By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Okay, special shout out to all the occasionally stressed out, burned out mothers who feel you may just scream if you hear the words “Mommy, can you”...” one more time.
As a mother, I can admit, sometimes my days are just downright stressful. From time to time, I need an “I’m not a Mommy” hour (or two), where I sit in silence and listen to the beautiful sound of “no one needs me for anything.” Please don’t misunderstand me – my children are the biggest blessings my life has ever received. It’s just that for most people who have made the choice to take on the full-time job of parenting, we get tired and need relief.
This isn’t meant to disregard daddies, because they also need a release occasionally, but for the purpose of this post I can only speak from the mommy perspective. Moms are the nurturers, I get that, but with two parents in the household I’m wondering what I’ve shown my children to make them believe that I am the go to parent at all times for almost everything.
Not that my husband doesn’t help, he is always willing and able. Our children just seem more prone to asking me whatever questions or to meet whatever needs they have at any given moment.
When there is bickering, I hear “Mommy, can you tell her to stop…” or “Mommy, she keeps”...”
When someone is restless I hear “Mommy, I can’t sleep,” or “It hurts when I close my eyes”...”
And when they are just plain old bored I hear “Mommy, what can I do now”...”
I really get puzzled when I hear a “Mommy, can you get…” and daddy is standing right next to what they need and I’m somewhere else in the house. I think, seriously isn’t your dad right there? I do love that my children rely on me and trust me to attend to their needs, but here’s what I had to do:
Walk Away. Rather I take a quick trip to the store or just around the block, hopping in the car and getting away provide me peace.
Pretend to be asleep. Just kidding, no but seriously; I have done this a couple of times and I’ll be honest I do feel slightly guilty, but at that moment a moms got to do what a moms got to do.
Encourage them to ask daddy. He is available and always willing to help. I am not sure why this one took me so long to figure out. I guess there is a part of me that feels there are certain things that a mom should always do.
Ask for help. My simply asking for assistance has made a huge difference.
Take my own time out. Locking myself in the bathroom for an hour (or two) is extremely relaxing. There is no rule on how long a hot bath should take.
Acknowledge that I am no superwoman. I let myself off the hook by being honest about not being able to do it all. Now I wonder who ever told me I had to.
BMWK Parents, if you have ever had one (or quite a few) of those days, how do you release?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
TheMrs says
Up until 3 yrs ago I worked outside of the home so I loved the kids coming to me for everything…it’s not the quantity of time but the quality right? Now that my children are aging (12 g, 9 b, 9 g, 8 g, & 2 b) they know which parent to go to for certain things, even the 2 yr old knows to pull his 8 yr old sister into the kitchen to grab him a snack after mommy and daddy say no. When my family comes home in the evening, everyone gets in between 430 and 530, I leave!!! Sometimes it will just be me going in the bathroom for a long shower and other times it is for a walk to my parents’ home(they live 5 blocks away). Somehow I make sure to have some uninterrupted ME time. There are days that I don’t need it and there are other days that I could use a couple of days.
Tiya says
TheMrs, yes ma’am, we truly need that ME time an often 🙂
Ruby Griffin says
Mom.for the first place don’t let your babies,get that far of a jump on you…It start as early as they understanding,the age of trying you,to see how far,or how much they can get away with,from the first time they pull a item off of your coffee table,and they look back at you…Right then,he or she knew,that was wrong ,from the time,they start running, y’all start chasing (stage2),and from the time,he or she start walking,y’all start screaming (stage3)that was the time y’all should have been releasing…DON’T GET ME WRONG…I also has those days…When it got to the point of mom,mom,I give them something to do,that i know it going to take a minute to do…Well,I know they can’t do…by the time they figure out,they can’t do it,or get bored with it,it’s nap time…When rising your children’s,you got to be on your guard,cause they coming at you from all, angler,with different drama,with them having some much peer-pressure in their life on a regular,that they’re going to start hathing us as parents.but,in the meantime…Parents, have a timeout away from your children’s,at least take one hour of daytime ,and do you,and the evening is for family time,night time is spouse time,and then you rest,for the next day….remember this…a mother,and a wife job is never done….
Tiya says
Thanks Ruby, so true! Never done, ever hahah
Jae says
Why do we as mothers feel guilty to take breaks away from our children and sometimes our husbands? I am a stay home mom of 3 boys, ages 5, 2, and 11months and my husband works from home. Lord knows I go batty a couple days a week but I don’t take me time often enough. I tell myself I’m going to get better…
Tiya says
Jae, I often feel guilty, especially if I’m planning a weekend getaway with girlfriends. But if we aren’t taken care of, we can’t take care of everyone else.
Anna says
LOL. I like the “Encourage Them To Ask Daddy”. I do think there is no guilt free way of parenting. Someone picks up the phone at my job,: Is my mom there? I get on the phone and the first thing I hear is “Mom Can I….”. LOL. I don’t care how old kids get, they will usually ask mom first, I work to get away, but kids will always find us. LOL.
Tiya says
Anna, so true. I still call Mom first. LOL
Jasmine says
OH my goodness!! I had this moment yesterday. I work from home and just yesterday my husband was downstairs on the computer and my daughter ran up to the 3rd floor where I was working to say “Mommy, they being bad downstairs!” I looked at her like she had green hair and purple skin! She said What! I was like isn’t your father right there? she goes yes… I just point to the door.
I love them dearly and my husband helps more than most in my opinion, but I just came to realize that we as mothers are just the all time go to person so I just deal with it, LOL. I would love more me time but its just not possible for me and for now I am okay with it.
Great post, I love how I can relate to most all the post on BMWK’s.
Tiya says
Jasmine, that is too funny. That just blows my mind. It happens to me quite often. I play it back in my head, “didn’t you just pass another grown up, standing right next to what you needed” lol. I just don’t get it. I do have to say, sometimes it feels good to be needed.
Pat says
My kids are 17, 15 and 12. I’ve been a stay at home mom through it all. Hang in there, it will get better. They will always first say “MOM!!!’ , but keep doing what what you are doing: directing them to their father, asking them to figure it out themselves, and taking a break(hide in the bathroom if you have to).
Savor the chaos, it will end soon enough…
Tiya says
Thanks Pat! I like your suggestion, especially have them to figure it out themselves.