“Good men are not the exception. They are simply the other choice.”
A year ago, I posted the above quote on my Facebook page as a result of a particular framing of questions that overwhelm social media and even have found their way into my private space through female friends. I’m sure you’ve seen if not asked the following questions yourself: “Why do men cheat?”, “Why is it hard for men to commit?”, “Why aren’t men honest?”, “Why do men lose interest after sex?”
My first thought when asked such questions is why are these questions asked of all men? Wouldn’t it be more fitting to ask the offenders? It’s like expecting a defense attorney to be qualified to answer questions regarding tax law simply because he’s an attorney. In the same way, though men share the same biology, they do not all share the same ideologies, habits, or practices.
A man who does not fit into any of the above categories is labeled “the exception.” Some would interject here, “I’m only speaking from my own personal experience.” In response, I would ask a few questions of my own. What does your experience suggest about your choices? Why do you choose men that cheat? Why do you choose men that will not commit? Why do you choose men that are dishonest? Why are you more familiar with bad behavior from men rather than good behavior? I realize these questions may be difficult to hear, however, they reflect your specific choices. As such, you should not expect a qualified answer from men who neither support these behaviors nor the men that practice them.
Men are not monolithic. Ultimately, it breaks down to this. There are good men and bad men. Good men are loyal, honest, trustworthy, and caring. There should be much more time and care given to identifying men that exemplify these qualities and far less attention given to men who don’t. It’s a waste of breath, space, and time to entertain the pursuits of lesser men. First, you must believe that good men do exist outside of fairytales. Good men are not the exception anymore than bad men are the rule. Don’t allow your past experiences to determine the quality of all men. Your experiences, good or bad, represent (1) specific individuals not men in general and (2) your own choices. Time allows us all space to grow. Our choices reflect our level of growth. Choose the good men that you deserve and you will find that better choices yield better results.
Good discussion. The sad part of it all is when she’s experienced enough of the bad guys, she can’t believe that a good guy would even exist. She falls into the trap of those that constantly make statements like ‘if he hasn’t done it, give him time and he will’, or ‘if he hasn’t done it he’s thought about it ‘ – no matter what, all men are guilty in this woman’s eyes- there is no such thing as a good man, even if he’s done all the right things. In her mind she just hasn’t caught him yet. Unfortunately the good man then suffers the cold treatment of a woman with trust issues! She does more harm than good for her relationship because she holds back on him and then wonders why he grows distant. Good men are out there, women just have to stop looking at them as bad men first.
Great response !!! I was really feeling the exact same way. I’ve been married for almost 10yrs, never cheated, lead my wife in prayer with every morning, go to church, take care of the home, cater to her, the whole 10 not 9. BUT because the ones b4 me abused her either physically, mentally or emotionally and didn’t honor her nor the relationship. I have received some the treatment they were supposed to have gotten. Just a year ago she realized the negative change she waiting on hadn’t come but she had not really stepped into this marriage. I’m a gentleman with old fashion chivalrous ways; which she wasn’t prepared for but has really taken too though it looks the first 4 years of our marriage. As it was stated due to some bad apples the good ones get treated bad too often.
Good article and God bless you !!!
It’s the same way with women. Good guys get all caught up and enchanted for the starlet then when they see she’s fluff and has little or no long-term value, they stoop to stereotypes just as easily. Then when women w high value and standards come around, their bruised feelings get in the way and they keep relationships at arms length. We all have to endeavor to know better to do better AND hold each other accountable for best results.