by Reginald Williams
Power struggles within marriages served as the spirit that gripped many of the client/couples my wife and I counseled with in the most recent weeks. We even had one husband recently uttered the “S” word ““ you know sub, sub, sub, submission ““ ok I said it.
Wondering what spores where transmitting through the universe to cause such a power-based spirit lead me to reflect on the universe. I began to focus upon the relationship between the sun and the moon. Consider this: the sun and the moon, in existence for billions of years, are known to possess authority over life. The sun and moon, in conjunction with one another, regulate the cycle of a day. Genesis 1:16 reads, “God made two great lights ““ the greater light (sun) to govern the day and the lesser light (moon) to govern the night.” So my question is, if the sun and the moon can exist in the universe for billions of years and do what they are purposed to achieve without a power struggle, then why is it so difficult for a husband and wife to achieve the same?
Okay, if the sun and moon are too deep for you ““ then someone explain to me why a lion and lioness don’t scrap for power in their relationship. Now I know there might be one person who reads this and reasons that the moon knows it is the lesser light and the lion sits around chilling while the lioness goes hunting ““ so why would there be a power struggle. But the reality is that the moon provides lesser light than the sun, but it’s role in the universe is just as critical as the sun, and the lion’s role as the protector is as valued to the pride as the lioness hunting. The sun and moon never compete for individual dominance. Day in and day out ““ like clockwork ““ the sun and the moon work as one to achieve that which it was purposed for the universe. The lion and lioness know the skills that each brings to the pride benefits the pride. Unfortunately the spirit of pride fills too many marriages preventing those unions from living in the sphere of oneness.
As humans we are suppose to be the smartest creatures on earth. God’s word clearly states that we are made in His image; being made in God’s image means that we are godly. And if you were to root out the core of God’s word you would probably dig up the word “Unity” ““ the state of being undivided and living in oneness. So why do the most intelligent creatures on earth behave with an intelligence void?
Those marriages steeped in a power based struggle are marriages of division and God’s word reads in Matthew 12:25, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.”
How’s the division in your marriage working for ya?
If you are enslaved by a power based spirit then it is clear that your purpose for marriage has nothing to do with marriage (you win and your spouse loses means the marriage “LOSES”), and everything to do with your selfish disposition.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but cannot have what you want. Your quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God, when you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures,” James 4:1-3.
Your marriage can’t flourish when seized by a senseless capitalist consumption for power. When those moments begin to rear up in your union here are three suggestions to follow:
- Return to your youth of yesterday and remember why you got married. Prayerfully you married because of the love and joy you had for each other.
- Reflect on the you in the situation. I understand that your spouse can be difficult and has irritating habits, but so do you. All changes for your marriage must begin with “You.”
- Remember your marriage will leave a legacy for your children. Do you want to will a legacy of brokenness or one of prosperity? Either way your marriage will leave the inheritance for your “children’s children.”
Reginald Williams along with his wife Peachie are Certified Marriage and Relationship educators; they are the co-founders of the Marriage Nectar, a marriage and relationship enrichment organization. Reginald is also the author of the blog www.ruleyourwife316.com. You can follow Reggie on Twitter.com/ruleyourwife or contact him via the company website at www.marriagenectar.com.
Dredio05 says
Everybody is trying to play the same role….Imagine if all of sudden the lioness decided that she had a right to be the lion, they both fighting over the same position. the moon says hey I have a right to shine in the day, you be night..don’t make sense does it. Society has changed the role of women under the belief that being a career woman is an advanced step from being a wife and mother, meanwhile, they’re both equally critical..young men don’t know how to adjust because nobody told us to change our roles. so we are all fighting over the same position, causing many roles to go unfilled and done improperly.
Reginald Williams says
While Sir,
You said a mouth full. Thanks for the comment.
Tonya says
Very interesting and helpful information. I really could’ve used this information at the beginning of my relationship with my now 3 year husband. I sometimes struggle with submission but I realize that there can only be one driver.
Never too late to learn to do better.
Briana Myricks says
I think in my marriage our power struggle works in reverse. We both try to have the other person make the decisions. There’s times when I ask for my husband’s opinion and he insists the decision is up to me, and vice versa. It can be maddening at times but as with everything in a marriage, it’s all about communication.
Reginald Williams says
Briana,
Y’all gotta find your niche and work it for the benefit of the marriage.
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Reginald Williams says
thank you for reading. I appreciate your view
Rory Gibbons says
There is nothing wrong with submission.. Blog post coming soon
Reginald Williams says
Rory,
Only if submission is truly understood in the manner that God meant it. Understand when that husband spoke of submission in our session he was speaking of “His-stianity, not Christianity.” Interested in seeking your post and how it lines up with God’s word.
Dredio05 says
The bible makes things pretty clear and it was written by men who were sexist during a time when it was the norm. We cannot pick and choose what we want to believe.. I am not a Christian myself because I believe we have too much religion and not enough God, but this half in half out thing can’t work. To be a woman or man of God you have to be willing to submit according to those terms..it’s not histianity it is Christianity, we can’t sugar-coat the bible.
Reginald Williams says
Let me begin with where we agree, “We have too much religion and not enough God” (agreed). However, if we are going to have God where do we get God’s message? Not looking for an answer, but something to ponder.
I don’t debate (not my style) and I definitely don’t debate God’s word (I believe folks should be free to believe what they choose). And finally I neither debate or even comment on something I don’t believe in – for example, why would I debate a Mormon and his faith if I don’t study what Mormons believe.
With that said let me give you this, and again my purpose is not to dry you to my side. The beautiful thing about God’s word is He gives you free will to render whatever choice you want. So who am I to argue or debate with someone’s position, and I can’t find one scripture where Jesus argued His point. I’m going to drop these three points and I’m out.
(1) All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. So no, God’s word was not written by men who are sexist. And when man cease trying to intellectualize God and His word, and instead learn the spirit of God’s word – people of faith will stop erecting manly definitions on God’s Holy meaning.
(2) Most folk who doubt God’s word (He’s has no problem with you questioning for learning) have read God’s word rather than study it. When God’s word is studied ferociously rather than the casual read that many folk give it- is when folks truly understand His meaning and not the ignorance of a personal position.
(3) The bible is for bible believing people. I don’t expect a member of the Dallas Cowboys to subscribe to the play book of the Washington Redskins. I don’t expect Coke to use Pepsi’s playbook to produce a Coke product. Neither do I expect someone who chooses against God’s word to believe in His bible. Again God and His word is so GREAT that He allows you to choose what you what to believe and live as you want to live.
In closing God said “Do you.” As for me and my house I will serve the Lord.
Niambi says
I am a woman of God and I would like to first clarify the meaning of submission. Often times Husbands state that this is what they want in their wives however they fail to read the bible in its entirety and full context. We quote scriptures but dont know where they came from and the meaning behind them. So for all you husbands, please allow me to shed some light on this subject. Although the scripture does state in Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lordâ€. They key here is that it states as unto the Lord. If the husband is a man of God then the wife generally has no problem submitting because he loves her as Christ loves her and respects her, values her for who she is and does not treat her like she is unworthy.
When you continue to read a little further down in that chapter, the scriptures then states in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for itâ€. Therefore husbands, if wives are to submit to you, it is only after you give the example by loving us as Christ loved the church and gave his LIFE for it. Often times you wont have to deal with the issue of a power struggle in your marriage if you spent more time loving your wife the way she needs to be loved and submitting yourself unto Christ so that he can show you how to be a better man of God and to be the husband that your wife needs. As the husband you are the head of the family and so it is you that leads by example and we are to be your helpmeet as the word says. God took a rib from Adams side and made Eve and so we are not to be below you, or underneath you but rather we are to stand beside you. That is our place in marriage which is filled with much more depth than I could express. A marriage will not be able to reach its full potential unless both the husband and wife continually allow God to work on them and their hearts and then come together on one accord.
I am a woman of God and I would like to first clarify the meaning of submission. Often times Husbands state that this is what they want in their wives however they fail to read the bible in its entirety and full context. We quote scriptures but dont know where they came from and the meaning behind them. So for all you husbands, please allow me to shed some light on this subject. Although the scripture does state in Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lordâ€. They key here is that it states as unto the Lord. If the husband is a man of God then the wife generally has no problem submitting because he loves her as Christ loves her and respects her, values her for who she is and does not treat her like she is unworthy.
When you continue to read a little further down in that chapter, the scriptures then states in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for itâ€. Therefore husbands, if wives are to submit to you, it is only after you give the example by loving us as Christ loved the church and gave his LIFE for it. Often times you wont have to deal with the issue of a power struggle in your marriage if you spent more time loving your wife the way she needs to be loved and submitting yourself unto Christ so that he can show you how to be a better man of God and to be the husband that your wife needs. As the husband you are the head of the family and so it is you that leads by example and we are to be your helpmeet as the word says. God took a rib from Adams side and made Eve and so we are not to be below you, or underneath you but rather we are to stand beside you. That is our place in marriage which is filled with much more depth than I could express. A marriage will not be able to reach its full potential unless both the husband and wife continually allow God to work on them and their hearts and then come together on one accord.
Niambi says
Ooops! This posted twice but I guess you’ll understand my point! lol 🙂
Neil says
“Often times you wont have to deal with the issue of a power struggle in your marriage if you spent more time loving your wife the way she needs to be loved and submitting yourself unto Christ so that he can show you how to be a better man of God and to be the husband that your wife needs.”
@Niambi,
While I appreciate your sincerity and sharing, I have to disagree with your (generalization) assessment of pointing the finger, solely at the husband. “Therefore husbands, if wives are to submit to you, it is only after you give the example by loving us as Christ loved the church and gave his LIFE for it.”
The bible does not say….only after we (the Husband) give the example by loving the (you) wife. The bible does not say that. The bible clearly states, that the wife is to submit unto the husband…..point blank……no conditions……no quid pro quos. Actually, in Ephesians 5, the bible also says that the husband and wife are to submit to each other. However, the bible clearly states (more than once) the wife’s role for submission. IMO, the wife (who has a problem with submission) usually has it from the early stages of a marriage and she’s decided right then, she will not submit. That said, it’s usually the beginning of a “Power Struggle.”
Niambi says
Hello Neil,
Thank you for your comment. It was not my intention to make it sound as though I am solely pointing the finger at the husband. What I was trying to say is that in addition to wanting your wife to submit, in that very same chapter in Ephesians it says for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. It shows that men as well as women have to take responsibility in making the marriage work. I believe that both persons must allow God to work on their hearts so that they can be a better person for themselves and their marriage.
Niambi says
I just wanted to add that in 1 Corinthians 11:3 it states that the head of every man is Christ and the head of the woman is man. With this said, there is a type of “submission” that men are supposed to have which is unto Christ.
Reginald Williams says
Niambi, thank you for your response and I truly appreciate your feedback. Your commentary on Ephesians, husbands responsibility as being the example and submitting onto the Lord, folks quoting scripture and not understanding the meaning are all absolutely “ON POINT.” However here is were I begin to disagree. To begin with the term woman/man of God falls on deft ears to me. Those are some of the ritualistic terms and attitudes often displayed in the temple; for me kinda like the Pharisees and Sadducces (folks fakin). I’m more concerned or concerned with disciples of God – people who live out His words in their action; folks who can say “I blew that God” and not hide behind the term “man of God.” A man of God will attempt to twist God’s word and “lean onto their own understanding,” and there are any number of examples of woman of God – who will not submit to a man who is a disciple of God.
The parable of the Fertile soil which can be found in Matthew talks about seeds (God’s word) falling on the soil (the heart) and in at least one verse talking about the seeding not “taking root.” So let’s be clear that PEOPLE (not genders) fail to follow God’s word. Men (husbands) who will twist a word for their benefit and women (wives) who will tell you I ain’t submitting no matter what they words says. In both cases you usually have folks ignorant of the spirit of God’s word. In that same chapter of Matthew Jesus tells His disciples – folks hear God’s word, but don’t understand it – again because it is not rooted in their heart. In closing my point is nothing more than ignorance of God’s word know no gender.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Niambi says
Hello Reginald,
Thank you for comment but I have to disagree on your statement about me being a woman of God. There is a distinguishment in that I am not just a woman but a believer who is living my life in accordance to what the bible says. I also address men who are believers as men of God in this very same way. Anyone can be a man or woman but there is a distinction with a person who is a believer and this is the way that I choose to express that distinction. Once again, the purpose of my post was to bring clarity on what submission is and to indicate that it is important that men as well as women take full responsibility in making their marriage work.
Neil says
Hello Niambi,
One question. What is the catalyst or reason on why you feel the need to address the men? Please, don’t make it personal. Wouldn’t it make more sense to stress the importance of women being accountable and taking responsibility, being a woman yourself and “A woman of God?” YOU could be that example. The men I know, are appropriate examples for other men to follow. But, I also know this, without the 3 A’s involved, (Abuse, Adultery, Addiction) marital issues and problems are always BOTH parties fault, not just the husband’s. Your debating this topic, post and responses are a good example of a power struggle. I see you’re even debating Mr. Williams. Tit for tat. You can’t let this go. In reading this wonderful piece, I believe Mr. Williams did not at any time give a pass, gloss over or imply that men do not have to be accountable or responsible. My understanding is that he was speaking to both, husband AND wife…
Niambi says
Hello Neil,
My comments are not a tit for tat but rather an expression of my “opinion” as is yours. You and the gentlemen made a statement in response to my post and I simply answered you both. If you read my posts, it is to make clarity about submission and having men as well as women work together in marriage. Everyone has to be responsible for their part. Again, I apologize for any offense that I may have caused.
Reginald Williams says
Just curious. Will you point out that part of my response where I stated anything about you being or not being a woman of God.
I think my statement to you was: the term woman/man of God falls on deft ears to me.
Niambi says
Hello Reginald,
Thank you for your comment. In my response I clarified why I used the terminology “woman of God” or “man of God”. You stated that it fell on deft ears to you and I simply stated that I use that terminology to define a woman or man who is living their life for Christ, just as you choose to use the word “disciple” for your terminology. It was a little offensive and hurtful to me when you stated in your post that by using the terminology “man or woman of God” it is for someone who is using ritualistic terms and attitudes similar to the Pharasees and Sadducces and a person who is faking their relationship with Christ. That is not the case with me and I know several people who call persons as men and women of God and use this terminology to describe persons who are living their lives for Christ as well as other individuals who use the word disciple also.
Neil says
Hey Niambi,
I’m not offended, just a little concerned. It takes two to make it work, true. But we can’t always put the burden solely on the man/husband. I’ve seen quite a bit. There are 3 men I personally know (one a family member), who had “wives” that completely destroyed the marriage. Yes, in all 3 cases. In these instances, it WAS the wife’s fault. Remember when I mentioned the 3 A”s? Can’t believe it, huh? Well, it’s true. That’s why I’ve thrown the generalizations and stereotypes out of the window. So when I read, hear or experience “finger pointing”, I take exception; but nothing gets resolved. Men and women are already sadly at war with other. BTW, 2 of the men have drawn closer to God in their relationship with him. Niambi, my intention was not to attack you. If I offended you, I apologize.
Peace,
N
Anonymous says
Good post Reg, you have appropriately struck a nerve. Godspeed!
LaToya Anderson says
I just came upon this site and well… I find this article and comments a little disturbing. I understand the intention of “submission” but somehow this rubs me the wrong way. I desire to be married and to have a family with my future husband but not on the basis of “submission”. For me, love has nothing to do with power. It has to do with the willingness of both people to form and maintain a partnership that lasts a lifetime. Love, for me, does not equal power, leadership, head of household, or submission. It’s about sharing and supporting each others dreams, building both of your visions together, exposing yourselves to the one person who truly understands you and whom you trust, learning how to live in grace and love and accept each others shortcoming, and being inspired by your partner to be a better person.
Feminity is not a narrow definition of submission or control or the moon or the lioness. All those things work in those circumstances while we as human beings are complex. Not all men are or want to be “leaders” just as not all women want to be “submissive”. To define ourselves into such narrow roles limits, I believe, the human experience and the experience of marriage. Feminity is how that individual woman decides to define it and convey that to the world just as a masculinity is only defined and conveyed by the individual man.
People can quote Bible versus all day long about the role of women, men, and power. But God is bigger than the Bible, Jesus the Christ is bigger than the Bible. God and Jesus are about love and its power in its own right. Love is forgiveness, acceptance, joy, pain, laughter, tears, shortcomings, strengths, expressed talents of the individuals and so much more that I can’t even begin to describe.