Hello Dr. Buckingham,

I have been married for 7 years to a wonderful woman and we have 4 children. One child is in college, one in high school and the youngest children are 5 and 4 years old. I never was good at talking much and always kept things inside. I know my wife loves me, but I don’t think that she is in love with me anymore.

We had a good marriage, but I let myself go because I was not happy personally. I gained about 60 lbs after saying I do and about 22 months ago I lost my mother who was the love of my life. Unfortunately, my wife and I were not in a good place at the time of my mother’s death. If we had sex once a month it was a good month. I reached out to an old friend for support and we started texting each other which led to me talking about what I wanted to do to her.

My wife saw the text messages and hit the ceiling. It took some time, but we kind of patched things up and tried to move forward. We even started seeing a Christian Counselor. Then, on Thanksgiving my wife asked to use my note book and found telephone numbers of pay for service women. I told my wife that I had never done anything with anyone besides her, but she told me that she wanted to move out. She tells me often that she doesn’t know if I am the one anymore.

Over the past 6 months I have been sleeping in the basement. I love my wife, but it seems as though she does not want to be married anymore. She is not willing to work on our marriage at this point. Although we both still say that we love each other, my wife tells me that she sees me as a friend. Unfortunately, I lost my father about 2 months ago and my wife was very supportive while I was grieving. I WANT MY WIFE BACK. How can I get my wife back?

Thanks, Tony

Dear Tony,

I am sorry to hear about your troubled marriage and the loss of both of your parents. Unfortunately, you have experienced a great deal of adversity in a short time span. I pray for your strength and commend you for seeking guidance. My initial response to your question is as follows: Work on You. I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling for individual purposes. You mentioned that you are not good at expressing yourself and have struggled with managing your weight and finding personal happiness. A professional counselor can help you learn effective communication skills, assist you with finding a happy place, and guide you in restoring trust in yourself and your marriage.

You will continue to struggle in your marriage until you resolve your personal challenges. Learning how to communicate effectively and acquiring knowledge about techniques that can help restore trust in your marriage will serve to be very beneficial. Remember that no relationship can survive without effective communication and trust. Your wife’s trust in you is shattered. By sending inappropriate text messages and storing contact information of call girls, you have allowed mistrust to enter into your relationship. This is unfortunate because trust is the foundation of any relationship and when it disappears; insecurity, paranoia, anger and fear become commonplace. When the latter things are present in a relationship, intimacy and love will take a hit.

Listed below are five strategies that might help you restore trust in your relationship and get your wife back:

1. Be truthful moving forward and take responsibility for your actions. Lying about the simplest thing can create additional suspicion and set you back significantly. No matter how you feel it is important to communicate in an open and honest manner. Mean what you say and follow through with action. Lying is not an option.
2. Commit to change. Be willing to do whatever it takes to modify the behavior that created the mistrust. If you have been devoted to yourself, change immediately. Remember that devotion to yourself will cause you to be by yourself.
3. Share openly. Give your wife access to your cell phone, social media accounts and email contacts. This might be difficult to do, but if you desire to restore trust and save your marriage do not allow your self-righteous need for privacy to override your need for love. This is a short-term sacrifice for a long-term benefit. Privacy is important, but so is trust.
4. Re-examine your values and personal needs. If you value marriage, then spend more time learning how to make it work. Be aware of and work through selfish and self-centered thinking. If you find yourself focusing on your personal needs without considering others, you are in a bad place. Some people love the idea of marriage, but not the personal and interpersonal work that comes with it.
5. Eliminate fear of living without your wife. Fear of living without someone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. True happiness occurs when you enjoy living with them. Allow love to guide your actions and fear.

By applying the 5 strategies listed above, you will be better positioned to regain the trust of your wife. However, be mindful that it will take time for your wife to trust again. It appears that her emotional wounds are deep. If you want to get your wife back, get help and make some lifestyle changes. Develop habits that will nurture your relationship and allow it to grow. Think positive, remain calm and be honest as you move forward on your journey toward marital restoration.

Best regards, Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.