Recently on my facebook fan page I posted an article about “Side Chicks”. Simply discussing some of the reasons women accept the role, and some reasons a man may choose to try and place her there. In the comments thread a woman attempted to validate the reason for being a “side chick” due to the ratio of black men to women being 20:1 as she claimed.
This immediately caught my attention, because I know that number is way off, but I also know there has been a lot of talk about the ratio being very lopsided. I hear it all the time from people as a way to explain the struggles of many good black women not finding a “suitable” partner. I have also heard it used to justify having multiple women, and as mentioned earlier, a way to validate being with someone else’s man. I believe a little light needs to be shed on this issue, so here is my perspective.
I think most of us know by now there are certainly more black women than there are black men. Some cities have it worse than others, and some may actually have more men, but as a whole we pretty much know this to be true. It is said to be 87 black men to every 100 black women. From there, people will then bring down the number of available black men by deducting for incarceration, homosexuality, and for some they will even just use a standard of quality to bring the number down lower. Even if that dropped the number down to 20 black men for every 100 women, that ratio would be 5:1. Which is still not great for the women, but nowhere near the numbers some will proclaim.
What is deceptive about this approach to explaining the ratio is that people don’t seem to use the same “math” with the number of women. I’m sure we are all aware that there are also women in prison, women who have a different sexual preference, and if you want to use the quality standard then a case could be made for that too. Adding in those factors would bring down the gap in the ratio to some degree, and provide a more accurate depiction of how things are. To apply it to one side is very misleading and has created what is in my opinion a very damaging perception of things that has hindered people more than anything.
After doing some research I chose not to focus on the exact numbers, because I believe that is where many are developing this negative and hindering perception of things. We are so quick to buy into the hype because many times it becomes easier to blame our circumstances than it is to look within ourselves for the answer. If you are struggling to find a partner, the power lies more within you to make the necessary changes to see better results. You may not like hearing that, but this principle is true in all aspects of life. If you desire multiple women, you aren’t doing it as a favor due to an uneven ratio. You are simply being greedy and you want to validate doing what pleases you.
Lastly, you don’t have to go after someone else’s man, because there are plenty still available to be taken. When you are willing to look at yourself in the mirror, it becomes easier to see things around you more clearly. Do not let a ratio cause you to embrace a negative mindset. You are capable of much more, and with a more positive approach, you increase your ability to see much more positive results.
BMWK – have you ever heard that there are far more available African American women than men? Did this impact your outlook on dating?
Freakonomics Radio recently had a series on marriage. In one of the segments they exploded the ratio myth. While talking with Ivory Toldson who teaches counseling psychology at Howard University and is a research analyst at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation he profiled DC and Atlanta.
Here is what he said, “Both of these cities are seen as, you know, kind of these meccas of progressive black people. And so there was a lot of talk about the ratio, you know whether there is a ratio of black women to black men in these cities. And you typically hear things like 12 to one, 15 to one. If you all went to either one of these cities and just asked someone randomly on the street, you know, what’s the ratio of black women to black men in the city, I guarantee you unless they’d read my research that they’d say something above 10 to one… So the true ratio in both of these cities is 1.3 to one. Then of course if you get in to the educated population you’ll see the ratio get even more skewed, and it goes up to about 1.8 to one in Atlanta and 1.5 to one in Washington D.C. If you’re a young black woman and you want an educated black man, these corrected ratios may give you some comfort, but in real time it still can be a challenge. You know, I’m not trying to put my brothers out there, but I know that some successful black men who are exposed to information like there’s a 15 to one ratio in the city that you live in, they become less committal in relationships and more restrictive in what they believe they deserve. This is certainly not true of all, but if we’re just looking at the entire landscape and how a lot of this information could be misused, that there is a tendency for some men to exploit the data.”
Here is the link to the transcript. https://freakonomics.com/2014/02/20/why-marry-part-2-full-transcript/
Ratios and statistics aside a serious reason for the disparity of educated black women having to settle or not settle for a less educated black man has a lot to do with the Ms. Independent Attitude that many successful black women refuse to admit although not always intentional. Dating that hopefully leads to marriage isn’t about who makes more or less money. Neither is it about the amount education or lack thereof.Its about putting egos aside and coming together as one in all aspects of a relationship. My wife has an incredibly strong spirit and personality. Not once in our relationship has she said or alluded to the idea of I don’t need a man to take care of me or act as if she had the option to end the relationship at anytime due to the fact she could take care of herself.(vice versa) She allows herself to be taken care of by her husband mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Notice I didn’t say financially. Any responsible mature couple knows that finances are a shared responsibility not to be solely handled by one person as if acting as a dictator. If that’s your choosing so be it. All this to say that its nothing wrong with being a strong,educated,self motivated black women. Its also nothing wrong with taking a step back and allowing the man in your life to be the lead/head. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice or have to give up who you are and all that you’ve accomplished.It means that you recognize you don’t have to be super woman 24/7. You don’t have to be constantly on emotional guard planning or waiting for the day when or if he does something not to your liking with the predetermined mind set of I can take care of myself way of thinking.I along with my wife understand that our marriage is a partnership not dominated by either person because of salary or education.
I don’t think it has anything to do with the silly “independent” label we have place on accomplished educated upward mobile black women. It all has to do with the “fragile ego” of a less educated, less yearly income black man. Like I briefly state in my earlier post, I’ve come across many men like that and when you move out of the get to know each other phase and into the serious phase of discussing marriage and you get to the point where the black man starts to really see how much the women makes, her accolades, awards, social circles, these men just freeze up and run. Prime example, I dated a guy in my mid to late twenties, around that time my yearly income was about $52,000.00 and his was around $27,000.00. Now take into consideration that he was completing his bachelors and working one full time job and one part-time jobs. I saw his potential as a partner because of his work ethic and his dedication to finishing his degree without any assistant from his parents. So I thought everything was going fine, when he brought up the subject of marriage and we really began discussing incomes, he becam very distant, not answering phone calls, no more Sunday dinners at his parents house, no more spending Friday nights together and enjoying Saturdays at the mall or outdoor festivals. He in turn did a complete 180 degree turn on me and after I basically push and push for him to go to dinner and talk to me he told me that I made too much money and it wasn’t going to work because he felt that I would want to take charge of the relationship and be the man because he felt like I would out earn him in the future also. I never made this man feel as if I didn’t need him, never threw my income in his face and I certainly don’t walk around talking about my “degrees” and private liberal arts education that I have. I’m just a hard working person who never gave up on myself and use common sense when it came to my career. Now you tell me less educated, black men don’t have a problem with a black women who out earns him.
Agreed! It’s all cool until it’s time to lay everything on the table and seriously talk about commitment when woman is more educated and has higher salary. No matter what you say, so many men have been innocculated that the woman has had to masculinize in order to get that far and she’s incapable of being vulnerable in partnership. The men need to stop assuming that’s just how it’s going to be, stop allowing their fragile ego busta friends to influence them, or better yet, the over-bearing mommy who can’t let any woman into her son’s life without showing her who’s really boss. If he knows how to be a good partner, no money can buy that and he needs to be confident in that and stop making excuses for being so dern emotionally insecure—scurred!
If the woman was sitting at her parents’ house learning domestics only, and he earned the $$, then she’s labeled a gold-digger who was tryiing to trap him with her uterus!
It’s time out for all that crap ’cause it’s getting us nowhere. However, we as women are usually the ones indoctrinated to bend toward the man. We’ve bent too far and that’s why we’re breaking!
@Finally – So you understand my pain. It’s like they place the blame on educated black women with this “independent title” but the reality is their ego’s are hurt and they can’t deal with your success, and it slowly eats them up inside and when it finally comes out, it seems as if their angry with you. I have so many dating stories where men either saw my home, my car, my closet, my furniture, my home office with all of my degrees, and awards they completely freeze and run away. Then you have the educated ones you meet at church, networking function, happy hour, and first Friday’s who think their Gods gift to the earth, and their carrying on relationships with 5 or more women at one time and don’t plan on committing to one until they run through and dog enough black women so they can brag to their friends about how many women they’ve had. Another example, I have a younger girlfriend (age 35) that I mentor and she owns two businesses in two different states with about 10 employees. She also works in corporate America and has risen through the ranks very fast because she’s ambitious and smart. She makes about $115,000.00 in her corporate job and the extra income from her two businesses are just her fun money. She has owned two homes so far and has purchased her mom a home. She owns a BMW, Corvette, and motorcycle and does so much for community. She has a great personality, can cook anything and is an overall genuine person. The problem she runs into is the men her age are scared of her wealth and yearly income, the older men she’s dated are completely insecure about her by passing them in educations and wealth. So what’s the girl to do. I’ve suggested to her to date out of her race, because she meets men while traveling for conferences through her corporate job who are not intimidated because their on the same playing field.
This is so true. It has been my experience of the attitude coming from the man when he actually sees the difference in income. He seems to think the narrative of the woman wearing the pants will be his future because of the perpetuated stigma Black women have placed on them by some who have demons within self.
If the woman does not like you or think you are not a great person, she will usually not waste her time.
Even when a man started out as if he was ok, I have experienced of him tell me what he thought I am thinking because he felt inadequate.
It becomes exhausting not being able to relax because a man is outwardly challenging your womanhood because his inward manhood is combating with his self-esteem.
It really does help to lay thing on the table by stating the facts and letting them know it doe snot bother you, is it going to be a problem for them and maybe even have them put it in writing so they can consciously remind themselves not to trip.
I have seen friend who were gentle as lambs, get treated bad in the end because the man could not get over her higher income. No amount of reassurance, encouragement, or support helped. Perhaps the significants others immaturity and listening to friends instead of the reality of having a great partner in the women he had.
Another thing for young women who are having this issue is to consider dating other races in the same social standing because it may be better to deal with outside racial issue than an enemy in your kitchen and bedroom stealing your peace of mind because of an internal war.
One thing you can’t deny is the ratio of black women graduating from undergrad and graduate school at record high numbers bypassing black men by leaps and bounds so therefore, marrying someone in your same social/economical circle and overall quality of lifestyle is very difficult. Things that attract us to potential mates are our similarities, and if you don’t have anything in common like(hobbies, “vocabulary”, interest, vacationing) etc… with men who don’t understand your world you’re not going to mesh with them. I tried dating black men without any form of higher education and it was disastrous. They were very uncomfortable attending black tie work functions with me, they were very uncomfortable around my male/female friends when I had get togethers at my home. They were always trying to compete with me and the last one I ever dated flat out told me – out of the blue I made too much money while dinning out and he couldn’t deal with that. So in reality for a college educated black women who is making an above or average median income for someone with a college degree, the dating pool is very limited. Take for example the weddings of my sorors I’ve attended over the years, about 98% of the men they married didn’t have any form of higher education. This was due too not being able to find a large pool of “committable and eligible” black men with degrees who made the same income as they did, so now my sorors realize they’re going have to carry these men and be bread winners which is causing major problems in their marriages now.
@Anonymous and @Finally Wow I sense a lot of hostility and bitterness. My comments were not meant to induce defensiveness. They were meant to open honest dialogue not attacks on the opposite sex which I ever did.Not once did I assume you to have a Ms. Independent attitude. I was speaking in general. The simple fact that most black women fail to acknowledge that there are many with that Independent Attitude speaks volumes. But enough of that already. It surprise me that one would go on such a rant about how insecure the black man is when an equally successful or more successful black woman come along without considering the root of the problem. Yes most men not just black men are insecure when it comes to their spouse being the bread winner. The real question is why? I believe the answer is simple yet the solution is complicated. Where do these pre-conceived ideas of who has to be the bread winner come from? What does it mean for a man to be the provider? It all starts with fathers in the home and male example/leadership to our young black men. Its no secret that majority of black children grow up in single family households with no father. So who’s to teach a man to be a man? Where do his values come from? Where does his validation come from? All he see’s is mamma working. Big mamma raised me. Auntie took care of me and so on. So he grows up without proper male example of what it is to be a confident secure man. All he knows is what he see’s around him. Its the same thing you see. A lack of properly raised men. I’m blessed to grow up with both parents who are still married. I owe all that I am to God and my strong parents especially my dad. It was him who taught me what a man is supposed to be. Yes he taught me that a man is to provide and be the leader of his wife and children. He also taught me that there are more qualities of a man than just being a bread winner. So I never would have a problem with my wife making more than me. I welcome it when it happens. That’s because I’ve been taught that being a man is more than being the financial king. Its about loving your wife and children. Its about being responsible. Its about shared partnership and responsibility regardless of who make more money. Every good relationship is built on mutual respect. Now ask yourself or the closest black man to you if his dad taught him this? The reasons for lack of fathers in the home raising their sons properly is an entirely different conversation all together that contributes to this discussion for another time. Besides my wife its rare that I meet a successful black woman who doesn’t think that there aren’t any good black men left on their same level just as you so eloquently pointed out along with Ms. Finally. Its true that black women are obtaining degrees in record numbers but black men are also out doing the same. This article asked for black women not to take a negative mind set but it seems that what I’m picking up on. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself is it me? Why does it seem you only find men who are insecure? Could it be that you have issues that you aren’t aware of. Does a successful black man make you insecure? Are you afraid to really have a man on your level? Are you scared that a man with your credentials may say I really don’t you just as some black women do? Maybe you feel the need to be in control and deep down you want a man who’s not on your level. Maybe you like the idea of I’m better than you. I’m sure I’m wrong and that’s not you at all. All black men are not insecure when it comes to this topic. Real talk!
@Scott, yes, you’re left to “interpret” what Anonymous and I said as evidence of anger and bitterness. However, just as you spoke on your observations and experiences, we did the exact same thing, either from first hand knowledge or from close observation. How come you sharing your experiences/observations is just stating fact, but us doing the same thing, you interpret as something else??? Not angry or bitter, but it’s what you have pre-conditioned yourself to think about our experiences. That’s simply what you want to label us because it puts all the responsibility back on women…
A whole lot of women I know grew up without fathers, some without good mothers too. How do we learn to be good partners? First you have to want to be a good partner more than you want to be single. Then that desire must lead you to do some serious self-inquiry, reflection, education and make necessary changes. From what I have experienced/observed, which is corroborated by the overwhelming following of women on sites such as BMWK, women are the ones managing change.
Again, we all know where it stems from, no arguments there. The solution regarding our men is what we are waiting on. Ask your single boys why they’re single and report back with the truth. Ask them how many women they’ve dated, and/or lived with, but not married? Ask them were the women marriage worthy? Many of them may not have experienced an ideal upbringing, as you say; most of us didn’t. SO they don’t know how (songs say it and I actually have had more than one man say it to me). Many men are gun-shy, don’t want to move forward out of fear of divorce (esp. if they’ve been there before) and consequences thereof. Are they actively trying to be better by associating with happily partnered men/couples, reading/educating themselves? Preparing and praying? Then, I want you to ask your wife what she thinks of them as marriage material. Would she introduce them to her good girlfriends or sisters?
Most of the women I know who are single are preparing for partnership at the same time as they are building their professional legacies because we know the two go together.
@Dre, you my friend, are on point!
I keep hearing and reading about how many men are afraid or intimidated by the success of many black women of today. My question is though what kinds of men are you dealing with? A true man is not intimidated by many things which would include a woman making more money than he does. Because he knows that finances are just PART of a relationship and the bonds that forge between a man and a woman is much deeper or at least it should be. If a relationship is solely based on income and money then it was already doomed to fail! Real men know that what’s most important, no matter how much a woman makes is the security of commitment, the transparency of honesty and the bond of Love. When these things are true in a courtship or marriage then finances will just be another way to show how much you love and appreciate one another by the use of those finances. So I would say question not his bank account and education (persay lol) but question the type of MAN he is!
I’m not bitter or angry, but just telling stories of mine and other black females family members and friends who have experience this while dating black men. But I think we as blacks are trying to cover up the disparity of the black men in America. First like all other races, women outnumber men, but on the other hand black women are progressing at much faster rates than the majority of black men who can’t keep or catch up too them. Then add on the fact that educated black women are out earning them, will make them insecure which correlates to your statement that most men of any race are not to keen on women of any race out earning them. So do you see that it’s a real problem that black progressive educated women have in America. So it’s not about me dating insecure men, it’s about how a man reacts because of his “fragile ego” of not being able to provide financially for his family, his wife or girlfriend who’s out earning him.