Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am having a hard time bonding with men who are good to me and cater to me. I have been single for most of my adult life and I have been told that men find it difficult to relate to me because I come across as being too independent. As a single woman who has made my way in life, I do not rely on or expect men to do much for me. I own my car, pay my own bills, fix things around my house and if warranted, I can satisfy my own basic sexual needs. I know that I can come across as being too independent, but I want to eventually get married. What Advice Do You Have For An Independent Woman Looking for Love?
Thanks in advance,
Independent Woman
Dear Independent Woman,
During the twentieth century, women allowed men to do things for them because they desired, demanded and respected chivalry. Nowadays, women are quick to remind men that they “do not need them.” I agree that you do not need a man, but if you want a man, especially a husband, please stop acting so independent. What do I mean?
I am not suggesting that you bow down to a man and act as if you cannot do anything for yourself. I am simply suggesting that you allow a man to be man. Respect what he brings to the table. I know you have heard this a million times, but hearing something and understanding it are different. Understand that some men take great pride in treating women like a queen. And I am not talking about buying you material things.
There is nothing more attractive to a man than being with a woman who knows her role and worth. A woman who knows her role and worth will allow her man to support her and will support him in return. Coretta Scott King exemplified this behavior and set the standard for women like Michelle Obama to follow.
Stop screaming, “I can do it” and start screaming, “I can do it, but it would be nice if you helped or did it for me.” The “I Am an Independent Woman” persona is not attractive at all.
Most women get defensive when men start talking about the “independent woman” issue. I personally believe that women who struggle with this issue do not understand their roles. A woman can be self-sufficient without making a man feel unwanted. Furthermore, a real man does not want you to feel inadequate or inferior so that he can feel empowered. Stroking a man’s ego is not a bad thing, especially if he is stroking yours in return.
Learn to humble yourself and accept chivalry. I can tell you that there is nothing more annoying to a man, than going out with a woman who brags about being able to take care of herself, but she never reaches for the bill after eating dinner. This happened to me a few times and I wanted to say, “If you are that independent, then pick up the tab.” Now some women don’t have a problem with this, but that is not my point. I know you all are capable of doing things for yourselves. That is easy. The challenge for most independent women is developing the willingness and ability to allow men to cater to you.
With all the game-playing that is happening these days, I realize that it’s hard to let your guard down and to accept kind gestures from men, but this “independent woman” thing is too much. The “independent woman” concept is anti-relational in my opinion. The last time I checked, human existence has been sustained throughout history because men and women continue to rely on each other. Sharing and depending on each other is what makes relationships blossom, not individuality. A Proverbs 31 woman is skilled and makes her own money, but she brings it home for enhancement and supports her partner. She does not brag about her skills or resources and she definitely does not compete with her partner.
The song “Independent Women” was a national anthem for women in 2000 and ignited a spark among millions. Women all around the world developed the courage to step out on their own with confidence, but as they say, all good things must come to an end—I guess Beyoncé even got tired of being an independent woman (go Jay-Z).
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
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