by Eric Payne
Most men in the married lane understand the following statement when it is spoken by their wives:
“If you loved me, you’d do what I asked…”
What leaves many men bewildered, dazed and often angered is the same statement with the unspoken directive (in parentheses below) attached to it:
“If you loved me you’d do what I asked (when I asked).”
Through my very unofficial polling of friends, relatives, wives of friends and ex-wives, I have determined that women fall into either one of the following categories: those who wholeheartedly have come to believe that their mate’s love for them is measurable based on how fast and how high they jump when told to jump; and those who, despite their agreement with the first group, have opted to embrace the belief that as long as their men do what is asked of them — the when and how of it is less important. Upon being questioned on the subject, these women seemed comfortable with letting their men get things done in their own way and time. This doesn’t mean that if a man is asked to take out the trash he should do it three days later. But it isn’t the end of the world if he happens to take it out after spending time with the kids, watching his favorite football team play his most hated team and/or some other thing he may be doing that doesn’t appear to be important. What matters is that he does it before he goes to bed or by whatever agreed upon deadline. Coming into agreement on these matters, of course, requires healthy and productive communication, patience and trust. According to these women they’ve learned through love to know that their men love them no less just because they don’t drop everything every time something is asked of them. These women indicated to me that they spend little to no energy worrying that what they ask won’t get done nor do they engage in the act of repeatedly reminding. They trust that their men will get the job done. And knowing they are trusted, these men get the job done.
In the ever raging debate of the Do What I Says versus Do When I Says, where do you fall? Do you believe a spouse’s love can or should be measured by how quickly he does what is asked of him?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Msleleecarol says
Do what I ask vs Do when I ask – I think I have to fall into the latter category only because I find that my husband procrastinates the very most at the times when timing is MOST crucial. He is so helpful most of the time in fact, that I need ask very little of him on a day to day basis, and have every confidence that he will do the prescribed thing before very long. BUT let company be coming, or we’re hosting an event, and I ask him to do something, THAT’S when he starts calculating in his head how much time he has to do whatever chore it is. I just don’t get that. Why can’t we be ready ahead of time, and relaxing before the doorbell rings, instead of running around like madmen, hoping no early birds show up???
Shahlex says
I don’t think it is a measure of love, but doing what is asked of you, if you agree to do it, is a measure of respect. I honestly don’t care when it gets done as long as it doesn’t have a strict deadline. If we are talking about paying the mortgage, well yeah, getting that in before the due date is kind of important. If I ask for a new shower head to be put on just because I don’t like the old one, no leaking or anything, I can wait until you get around to it. A problem I had when I was married was that my husband expected me to drop everything and do whatever he asked, when he asked. I found that did not respect my time or other duties I had to fulfill and it was very inconsiderate.
Keeshab2002 says
I also don’t ask much of my husband, AT ALL, because I work part time from home so he’s pretty much got it easy. My issue is BECAUSE I’m home, and feel I’m handling everyone’s issues/needs in a very timely manner, when I ask you to do something…like Nike, JUST DO IT!!. I’m good for not springing last minute things on him, so I’m the….’by Saturday could you’….or …’before next week could you’….. It’s just irritating when you guys wait until the 23rd hour for no apparent reason. I treat people the way I want to be treated….
Jaclynbrwn says
I have trouble with this often! I hate to be waiting on him to do something I asked him to do earlier. I throw a fit sometimes…ya know…those times when you standing there with an armload of trash only to see there is no trash bag in the can because he took it out during a commercial break!!! UGH!!! So when he ask when will I start cooking, I smile and say “I’ll get to it!” For non pressing items, I will write out a honey-do list with a timeline on it. He likes the challenge of seeing how many things he can get done in a certain amount of time so who am I to not take advantage of his competitive spirit?!!
Jaclynbrwn says
I have trouble with this often! I hate to be waiting on him to do something I asked him to do earlier. I throw a fit sometimes…ya know…those times when you standing there with an armload of trash only to see there is no trash bag in the can because he took it out during a commercial break!!! UGH!!! So when he ask when will I start cooking, I smile and say “I’ll get to it!” For non pressing items, I will write out a honey-do list with a timeline on it. He likes the challenge of seeing how many things he can get done in a certain amount of time so who am I to not take advantage of his competitive spirit?!!
Ronnie_BMWK says
I think it is a matter of communication and respect. If you ask someone to do something for you and you know it needs to be done by a certain time, then that time should be communicated and agreed upon.
And then again, some things are just common sense. If you agree to do something…. like wash the dishes or cook dinner, then it does not make any sense for you to wash the dishes 2 or 3 days later or cook dinner late at night after everyone is starving…or pay the bills late.. My point is ..be reasonable and considerate. Some things are time sensitive and some things are not….. Like Keeshab2002 said (I treat people the way I want to be treated…) And if you are always waiting until the last minute to do things and not being considerate …that’s not right either. And if your spouse is “asking” or “nagging” you about something….that nagging can easily be stopped when the two of you just communicate about a time frame and you both stick to it.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Oh ..and I did not answer the question… I don’t think love should be measured by how quickly your spouse does things…but if you never make your spouse’s requests a priority…and if you are always pushing what your spouse asks you to do to the side and fitting those things in between other thngs…then yes…there is a problem.
For the most part, I don’t believe people “nag” for no reason at all..there is either a communication break down or a lack of trust. And yes, some people are controlling…but not all people.
Dawn K Aldrich says
If there is a slow response to most requests, then it may be interpreted as a lack of consideration, a form of dismissal and may even trickle down to the kids response in doing the same. We all have our own standards which we hold valuable to ourselves and expect our partners to know what means a lot to us. Unfortunately, when we it appears that our partner is often putting our requests on the ‘it will get done when I get to it’ attitude, then that’s not good at all. The key to alleviate this is to acknowledge the request and move on it or at least ask do you need that done right now or can I do it after the game, during a commercial or after playing with the kids, it’s the most impressive form of consideration – which can make one feel loved……
EPayne says
Great thoughtful comments from everyone.
Frederick says
If I could add a different element to the discussion, I think it depends on what the job is. There are some jobs that my wife asks me to do that she could for the most part do herself. One think I’ve noticed is that women ask men to do things more often than men ask women. Why is that? I know for me, overtime I’m set to ask my wife to do something, I just find it is easier to do it myself. I often find it interesting that very few women I know, actually take out the trash. Why is that a man’s job?
AplMacLD says
What I can’t figure out is why does he need to be asked in the first place? lol, take the initiative. I guess it’s ok to ask every once in a while. Just because you are married and now have a wife/husband, doesn’t mean you should relinquish house duties because you now have some help. Marriage is a two way street and especially when it comes to house responsibilities, EVEN if she’s a stay at home mom, that is certainly a big job in of itself, but I will give more leeway on this, but if she’s working and coming home to clean and cook and all that, he certainly needs help much more than he may currently do. Why can’t he cook if she’s out working, or help the kids with the HW?
Like what Dawn mentioned, if he/she always responds to your request with a delayed reaction there’s a problem. If he/she asks if they could do it after doing whatever it is they are doing, it’s still considerate, but a simple delayed reaction for every request is disrespectful.
I’m not married either,lol and no kids…
JC says
I resent the implication that saying “if you loved me, you’d do what I ask and when I ask it” is controlling/demanding/disrespectful. I’m sure for some it is meant with an attitude that is those things. But hear my heart: my love language is Acts of Service. I work full time and two side jobs to support the family. My husband works from home as a part-time freelance writer. I am respectful of his time and his need to self-schedule, and I handle many, many things myself. But if something comes up (and I generally only ask for one thing at a time/on a given day) that I cannot get to and it needs done that day or in the very near future, and I ask him to please handle it and communicate the deadline, so often it still doesn’t get done. But he manages to find time to do things HE wants to do, like watch TV or play video games or any other number of tasks that are not pressing (mind, I understand his need for downtime, I’m not saying I don’t want him to have that). Like Ronnie said, I often feel my needs are not made a priority to him, that so many things are more important to him than helping me and easing my burden. (It should be noted that with all the jobs *I* hardly ever get “downtime” for myself.) So yeah, as Eggerichs would say, I’m not feeling loved when he doesn’t do those things in a timely manner. Trust breaks down and I end up adding more to my own plate to avoid the stress and disappointment of it not getting done, and then feeling resentful when he tells me I “do too much” and should “relax more.” Well, if he’d do what I asked when I asked, maybe I could! Please note he’s a wonderful man, and not a selfish pig. I just feel like he’s oblivious (my love language is bottom-ranked for him, so it doesn’t come naturally) and doesn’t realize how much his inaction hurts me.
JC says
I thought of an analogy. Guys, how would you feel if you communicated to your wife in the morning that you really wanted to make love that night. But then that evening she watched a few hours of TV, checked her email, and chatted on the phone till late. Then when she finally comes to bed and you bring it up, she says “Oh, I forgot all about it. But it’s too late now, maybe tomorrow.” That’s how I feel when I ask my husband to do something (in a timely manner) and he fails to do it.