By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
It is interesting to me how parents, who are raising their children under the same roof together, can have different parenting styles.
I observe my husband in his daddy role and while it is different from mine, we both seem to get the same result from our children. I listen to the way our oldest communicates with him and I have to admit it differs slightly from the way she communicates with me.
There are things she says and the way she says them that are okay with him, but just won’t work for me. My husband and I both are new to these “teenage years” and we are definitely learning as we go.
But there are times when I want to intervene and tell him how he should parent. I just want to jump right in and say, “Don’t let her talk to you like that!” But I hold back because I have come to the understanding that that isn’t my place. I would cringe if he were to tell me how to parent and how to communicate with our children. So I would never want him to feel that way.
Ultimately, I feel that my husband and I both are comforted and trust in the fact that we both want the absolute best for our children. So whatever actions or words we use to get there will be fine. The relationship he has with our daughters is going to be different from the one I have with them. There are going to be ideas he teaches that vary slightly from the ones I leave them with. And I have come to the conclusion that I welcome that.
Our children will benefit from both of our parenting styles; they will learn how to express themselves, speak their mind and be honest about what they feel, respect adults and use their words and actions carefully. Neither of us was given a manual on how to raise children, so we use what we have learned about life from our own upbringings. This is more than likely what other parents do as well.
Parents, for the most part, all want the same thing for their children. We want them to be safe, happy and successful. Believe me, there is definitely more than one way to get a child there.
BMWK, should you tell your spouse how to parent? Are you open to being told how to parent from your spouse?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com.
Dianne M Daniels says
Oooh – good question! My answer is NO – I do not tell my husband how to parent our children. While only our youngest is still at home, while they were growing up I kept my mouth SHUT if I disagreed with discipline or a lesson my husband was giving the children. I asked him questions afterward, asked for clarification if I needed it, and sometimes he’d go back and retract or soften something he had said to the children. In front of them, we were ALWAYS a united front – there was no playing Mom off against Dad in our house. My parents had a similar arrangement – they never disagreed in front of us.
Spenseravery says
No. I don’t tell me Wife how to parent, anymore. We have come full circle on this one. When we first got married it was my way Period. Then we ( I ) tried “co-parenting”. We would discuss whatever needed to be done on any given situation and when things turned out good, it was Great! But when things turned out Not-So-Good. It was my fault. My fix.
So now. Where back to a quasi compromise. I listen. Then make a decision and bear the Full Weight on my shoulders. Right or Wrong.
*unless it it something that my Wife feels strongly about, then I acquiesce and hold my tongue till I can BETTER communicate my displeasure and frustration. But I ride with her decision on it. Because again, she feels so strongly about it.
Memegryl1 says
If I may chime in on this great topic, however I am not married. I do have a signifcant other that lives with me and my child, and he doesnt like the way the I am raising my child. Maybe I could be more stricter but I was never really raised to beat my children, but he was. Discipline is a huge factor in how I’m raising my child, but he also has children that live in different states that he doent raise. What should I do, should I change the way that i am raising my child for the sake of our relationship?????
Keeshab2002 says
Memegryl1, this is a classic case of how communication can allow you to get past this one. The fact is, if you both can communicate EXACTLY what forms of discipline are okay, you should be able to get a plan in place that satisfies the both of you. We all learn that “the beat-down” often isn’t the best solution. In situations like your’s, where (I think) he’s not the biological father, you MUST be careful to agree on what issues will be handled in what way. It’s not hard. Decide how you will handle: not doing chores, back talking, unacceptable school performance, lying, and other things kids do. Maybe you could be more strict, but consistency is a winner with the kids. Good luck!
Keeshab2002 says
Memegryl1, this is a classic case of how communication can allow you to get past this one. The fact is, if you both can communicate EXACTLY what forms of discipline are okay, you should be able to get a plan in place that satisfies the both of you. We all learn that “the beat-down” often isn’t the best solution. In situations like your’s, where (I think) he’s not the biological father, you MUST be careful to agree on what issues will be handled in what way. It’s not hard. Decide how you will handle: not doing chores, back talking, unacceptable school performance, lying, and other things kids do. Maybe you could be more strict, but consistency is a winner with the kids. Good luck!
Cafe7202 says
I was in a similar situation once. My advice is to tell him you are open to his suggestions and the reasons behind those suggestions. It is something you can discuss in private, but when you are dealing with a disciplinary issue with your child, he should support you completely. I would not, ever, change my approach to raising my child simply because someone else disagreed with my approach. Particularly if it is working. After all, you know this child better than anyone, correct? And simply because a person was raised a “certain way” (beatings, for example) is not justification to claim that is the only or best way for children to be raised. A parent needs to be more conscientious than that.
Unless this man is going to be part of your lives forever (as opposed to the foreseeable future), you can’t introduce inconsistency into your child’s life. And you certainly should not do anything that goes against your belief system for the sake of a relationship. This child is your primary responsibility. One that he doesn’t seem familiar with, as he is not parenting his own children. I do not mean to sound harsh, and I know this is a difficult situation to be in, but my best advice is to do what you believe, in your heart, is best for your child. Anyone that advises you to do differently (including him) does not have your child’s best interests at heart. And that type of person should not be giving parenting advice.
Good luck.
Cafe7202 says
I was in a similar situation once. My advice is to tell him you are open to his suggestions and the reasons behind those suggestions. It is something you can discuss in private, but when you are dealing with a disciplinary issue with your child, he should support you completely. I would not, ever, change my approach to raising my child simply because someone else disagreed with my approach. Particularly if it is working. After all, you know this child better than anyone, correct? And simply because a person was raised a “certain way” (beatings, for example) is not justification to claim that is the only or best way for children to be raised. A parent needs to be more conscientious than that.
Unless this man is going to be part of your lives forever (as opposed to the foreseeable future), you can’t introduce inconsistency into your child’s life. And you certainly should not do anything that goes against your belief system for the sake of a relationship. This child is your primary responsibility. One that he doesn’t seem familiar with, as he is not parenting his own children. I do not mean to sound harsh, and I know this is a difficult situation to be in, but my best advice is to do what you believe, in your heart, is best for your child. Anyone that advises you to do differently (including him) does not have your child’s best interests at heart. And that type of person should not be giving parenting advice.
Good luck.
Keeshab2002 says
You should respect your spouse’s relationship with the kids. Our problem seemed to stem from this…daddy/daughter relationship where …he couldn’t/or wouldn’t say no to them, he just couldn’t. My husband didn’t want to be firm with our daughters at all, and it was driving me CRAZY. I never minded being “the mean one”, but after so many years, I started to feel like it wasn’t fair. I was tired of being the one fussing about their rooms, and having to call them more than once (which would’ve gotten you a DEFINITE beat down when I was raised)!! I just had to let him know that the “daddy’s little princess” crap was played out,(lol) and he needed to help me. He did, so it was fairly painless, but every now and then I still have to shoot him a look when they start hugging and kissing on him…I have to face it…he’s just a sucka for their love!! 🙂
I could have worse problems though, so I won’t complain!
Dedra says
Unfortuately, I was one of those spouses that would not only tell my husband how to parent, but he should say. The reason for this is because my husband came from a household in which all his father did was hit and his mother stood idle on the sidelines. So naturally, that was my husbands reaction to everything. As the years went by and we both learned it has gotten much better. My husband and I now talk to each other first on how to handle big discipline issues(mainly with our teenager) and with our 7 year old twins we discipline as needed, but if either of us has questions or issues on what was said or what punishment has been given, we talk about that in the privacy of our room. We found out that when our children heard us disagree, that gave them an opportunity to play us against each other and we wanted that to stop. Parenting is hard and hospitals don’t send you home with a manuel or instructions like they do with the after care of your body. So, parents bascially learn how to be parents from their parents and if you’re smart you make adjustments accordingly.
Pastor Fred says
There have been times over the years when I founf it necessay to discuss parenting with my wife abd vise versa. However, we always did it in private. There were times when we agreed with the suggestions offered and times we did not. We both knew that weach of us had the best interest we had the best interest of of us the children in mind so niether of us was offended. Raising children is a learned experience and none of us is expert at it. Spouses should discuss everything including parenting choices. We never told each other how to parent, but both usus felt free to offer suggestions and advise.
Pastor Fred says
There have been times over the years when I founf it necessay to discuss parenting with my wife abd vise versa. However, we always did it in private. There were times when we agreed with the suggestions offered and times we did not. We both knew that weach of us had the best interest we had the best interest of of us the children in mind so niether of us was offended. Raising children is a learned experience and none of us is expert at it. Spouses should discuss everything including parenting choices. We never told each other how to parent, but both usus felt free to offer suggestions and advise.
KenS says
Good read.
If you ask nicely, I tell you how to get the girls to “jump” at the sound of your voice.
Tiya says
Memegryl, thank you for your comment. I know it is hard to hear others critique of our parenting styles. But if some of the advice is for the best interest of the child, then I would consider it and use what I know will be of good use. In the partnership I would welcome the feedback, especially when it is coming from a place of love.
Tiya says
Thanks KenS 🙂
Tiya says
Dianne, I love this system!
Tiya says
Well said Pastor Fred!
Spenseravery says
@ 02′, you put it VERY nicely.
“Unless this man is going to be part of your lives forever (as opposed to the foreseeable future), you can’t introduce inconsistency into your child’s life. And you certainly should not do anything that goes against your belief system for the sake of a relationship. This child is your primary responsibility. One that he doesn’t seem familiar with, as he is not parenting his own children” ~Thank you.
KarenJ says
You were given some phenominal advice. To your comment about your husbands’ interactions with your daughter. Great choice to back out. His interactions with her are priceless! As you likely know the father/daughter relationship is her first step toward understanding male/female dynamics. this is an excellent opportunity for him to show her that men who love you do not reject you just because you are dissagree or are upset. If he tells her to mind her tone, actively listens to her concern, repeats what she is trying to say and engages in a calm discussion. He sets the pattern that her thoughts and feelings are important, she must share them respectfully and men who love you listen and remain engaged. She will take this along with her as she navigates all male/female interactions (coworkers/spouse/friends). Understanding how she should be treated in all situations. Fathers who allow their daughters to express themselves are less angry women.
Tiya says
Thank you KarenJ! Excellent, excellent feedback!
Dillahunt says
This is very interresting because from day 1 Ive been the one to play with, cry with (yes, cry), socialize more, travel with, very well known at school with, pray with, 1 on 1 and discipline. I’m pretty much the fore frount of the kid’s ups and downs, I get down in the trenches with all 5. When my wife steps up she gets a different treatment than I do and I feel bad for her, so I do try and give her pointers on parenting, I think some parents need it. I’m not saying I’m better than her in this situation just that she’s to lacksed.