In a recent article, I talked about the “labor of love” that is necessary to keep your marriage strong. I pointed out that “labor” means so much more than just “work.” It involves bringing a conceived love to life. In other words, giving birth. So what do you do when the very thing you gave birth to begins to die? How do you handle marriage problems that have become terminal to your relationship?
Marriage problems show no favoritism. Neither does the Bible. As such, the solutions I offer today can be followed by anyone of any faith or creed. But they tend to be more challenging if you haven’t chosen the Bible as your standard of living. If you’re serious about bringing your dead marriage back to life, however, you won’t go wrong taking these scriptures to heart.
5 Biblical Ways to Revive a Dying Marriage
In this article:
Seek Advice
Seeking advice isn’t necessarily a Biblical concept. We do it all the time about all kinds of things. And we certainly don’t shy away from it when it comes to relationships. But, here’s where the Bible gets you. Usually, when we “seek” advice, we go talk to the friends who we know will agree with our point of view. In particular, when it comes to relationships, we share our grievances with family or friends who will take our side. The Bible calls that foolish. In fact, Proverbs 28:26 says specifically, “the way of a fool is wise in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.”
When you get advice only from those who will say what your “itching ears” (2 Timothy 4:3) want to hear, you are being a fool. Instead, the Bible says in Proverbs 27:6, “wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Seek advice from those willing to call you out on your wrongdoing. When a marriage starts going south, it takes two to get it there. Seek advice on what and how you need change and then trust it. James 3:17 says that the “wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” That’s the kind of wisdom that can bring a dead marriage back to life.
Pursue Righteousness
So many times when you are facing marital problems, you can get caught up in what the other person is doing, has done, or is going to do. What you should be doing instead is looking at your own heart and aligning it with God’s word. Once you receive Godly advice from a trusted source or sources, then take the time to work on your character. Proverbs 15: 9 says “the Lord detests the way of the wicked but he loves those who pursue righteousness.”
Finding what is “right” in the eyes of God means opening your Bible and searching for the areas you need to grow. Once you find them, water them daily with prayer and action. Practically speaking, if you’re used to grumbling under your breath when your spouse says something, don’t. If you have stopped showing interest in intimacy, change it. Since the tongue can be a fire, if you usually curse at your spouse from sun up to sundown, don’t. If you spend money like it’s going out of style, stop.
Some changes will be more evident than others at first, but your marriage problems didn’t start in a day and they won’t be fixed in a day either. However, just as you pursued your spouse at the start of your relationship, pursue righteousness and watch your heart for your marriage come back to life.
Love Unconditionally
I know that this is way easier said than done. It seems only natural to place conditions on love during difficult times. When marriage problems arise there is always a tit for tat in behavior. She hurt me, so I’ll hurt her back. If he apologizes, then I’ll change. You attach conditions to some of the easiest things to give in a relationship. As a result, marriage problems abound and your relationship suffers.
If you got married because you were in “love,” then the Bible has a lot to say about that in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. While I implore you to read that whole passage, let me point out a few nuggets. Love is “not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” When you love unconditionally, you look to the interests of your spouse more than you look to your own interest. You love in a way that gives your marriage life.
Speak Truthfully
Honestly, this one is easy. When you are enthralled in marriage problems, the tongue wags loose. You say what you want to say without concern for how it impacts your spouse. You love to “tell it like it is” and “keep it real.” You just forgot one thing, love. See point three. Ephesians 4:15 attributes maturity to “speaking the truth in love.” Rather than fly off the handle like a child and tactlessly say what you feel like saying, grow up. Attacking your spouse with hurtful words will kill your marriage. But exercising restraint and pressing pause if necessary can keep bad problems from getting even worse.
Be Patient
Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a great marriage. When problems take over, they drain the life right out of you. As you work on rebuilding your marriage, patience will be the call of the day – every. single. day. If you try to rush it, your foundation will be weak. Ephesians 4:2 says to “be completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love.” Patience requires humility. I know that’s a tough pill to swallow when your marriage is on the rocks. But it’s worth it when it comes to saving your relationship.
Even though you may get frustrated…and tired, take Galatians 6:9 to heart: “Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
The Bible works. It’s really that simple. If your marriage problems are more than you can bear, take them to God who is always on your side. Seek His guidance, follow His word and pray for your marriage to be brought back to life.
BMWK: what do you need to do to bring your marriage back to life?
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Great suggestions. My husband has stated that he is unhappy for over 2 years. He has said that he wants a divorce but hasn’t filed. He struggles with divorce because he knows that God hates it. He took a job in Phoenix 7 months ago. i told him that I was tired of fighting for our marriage in my own strength and would be ok with whatever he decided. He started pulling back with the calls. He will go as high as 4 days with no contact. I continue to give him space as he is going through a midlife crisis. He has never given me reason to doubt his faithfulness but we have been married 26 years and my mind was running havoc on me. I have visited with him a total of 3 times and he has come home several times. While I visited he took me to his job and introduced me to his coworkers; to his church and around those who he socializes with. We have 3 children, his 32 year biological son, and our two sons together-21 and 22. One son is left at home in college., I love my husband but he feel like a stranger and everytime he mentions divorce he will call back and speak as if nothing has happened. I am praying fervently and the erie feelings about him seeing someone else have died down and he maintains that he is still married and would not bring someone else into our chaos nor hurt me that way.. I am in a holding pattern as the Lord has told me to be still and know that He is God. The waiting is really a challenge for me as this is the hardest test that I have ever gone through in 53 years. I love my husband with all my heart but somewhere along the way we got lost.
I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing with your marriage. I pray that you will find strength in God’s word and trust that he will not allow you to endure more than you can bear. He is our strength in times of weakness and you can trust Him to get you and your husband through this difficult season. Continue to keep Psalm 46 close to your heart. God bless!
The question i uave is, what if the union is one sided, i mean one spouse believes all this points noted above works with it including others but the other spouse is a arrogant type that doesn’t accept these words with patience, as human it can be terrible living with such spouse, what can one do?
This right here is Golden! “If your marriage problems are more than you can bear, take them to God who is always on your side. Seek His guidance, follow His word and pray for your marriage to be brought back to life..”
That is what we need to do more of as opposed to always running to other people First. The bible clearly says “Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God.” Seek God First and let him speak to your heart and lead and guide you on what to do, how to do it, and when. People may steer you wrong, and can only help but so much, even elders who have been married a lot longer. God never fails and he knows all.. He can tell you and show you the Godly way to deal with your spouse and your situation.