There are many single Christian women out there simply frustrated with the process of dating and relationships. It can feel like there is so much unnecessary nonsense attached, and that causes some to lose hope. For those that feel this way, don’t be discouraged, but be mindful of what adjustments you can make to see some improvement in that area. Here are 7 mistakes single Christian women should examine and consider correcting.
7 Mistakes Single Christian Women Make With Relationships
In this article:
- Hiding Out in Church
- Trying to Force Celibacy Into a Romantic Relationship
- Using Sex as a Tool
- Not Taking Time to Heal
- Looking for a Man of God
- Trying to Make Him Into a Man of God
- Not Getting God’s Guidance
Hiding Out in the Church
Going to church and praising God is a beautiful thing. Being open to meeting a potential mate in church makes perfect sense. Using church as a shield because you don’t want to put yourself out there and be vulnerable, can and will likely work against you. Many single Christian women use spending an excess amount of time in church as a cover-up to the fear that dwells within. Church is their wall of protection, but just like other walls in their life, it can still block their blessings.
Trying to Force Celibacy Into a Romantic Relationshp
I am a complete supporter of Celibacy. I think more men and single Christian women should embrace it in their lives. The issue here isn’t being celibate, but the idea of expecting it to work within the structure of romantic relationships. Boyfriend/Girlfriend is not a biblical union, so trying to fit certain biblical principles in it can create a conflict. Some people can do it, most will struggle and fail. That’s why friendship is a great foundation to build from. A man may not be willing to sacrifice sex until he truly sees the value in that woman, and friendship can create the time needed for that to happen.
Using Sex as a Tool
Not all single Christian women are celibate. Some may be having sex to reel a man in, and in her mind, hopefully keep him. Some may be celibate to make a man prove his worthiness. Either of those reasons (and I acknowledge other reasons exist) will typically backfire in her face. Sex won’t give her the relationship she needs, and it falls outside of where God wants her focus. Not having sex should be about her as a woman, and the desire not to have her judgment clouded…..Not to get attached to the wrong man, and not to confuse desire with love. Stay focused on what God desires and not how it can cause a man to stick around or to walk away.
Not Taking Time to Heal
We all have issues, but that isn’t and shouldn’t be an excuse to ignore them. The idea that we should find someone to help us “unpack our baggage” is a bit flawed. Because when bags get opened suddenly in a relationship, what is in them may be serious enough to bring the whole house down. As stated in the best-selling book God Where Is My Boaz, ” You can’t overcome an obstacle unless you are willing to face it head on” and lack of healing is a huge obstacle many single Christian women face.
Looking for a Man of God
I know that sounds like a silly thing to list as a mistake, but hear me out. Some single Christian women have become so focused on finding a “man of God” that they end up with men using God as a way to get women. He may look like a duck, talk like a duck, but still be a dog in disguise. There should be less focus on his resume, and more focus on if a genuine connection exists. Because a man who God truly has for that woman, will be able to get close to her heart like no other.
Trying to Make Him Into a Man of God
Some men are still a work in progress in regards to creating a relationship with God. So single Christian women believing this man can change is valid. The issue is when that woman thinks she can be the one to change him, big mistake! It is not that woman’s job nor in her best interest to attempt to take on this project. Nothing wrong with being a positive influence, but that man needs his time to grow. Again friendship is acceptable, but investing too much into this will stunt that woman’s personal growth, and in most cases lead to disappointment.
Not Getting God’s Guidance
I have coached many single Christian women and I have noticed a consistent mistake that is made. They will speak to family, friends, pastors, me, and anyone else to get guidance, but not speak directly to God on the matter. They speak in regards to expressing their position, but they don’t actually ask the hard questions they need guidance on. God knows what men are just distractions and the man that is best for that woman. Nothing wrong with physical counsel, but taking time to seek His input should be included, and will help that woman from making damaging decisions.
I truly believe there are so many great and amazing women out there, but sometimes certain mistakes are being made that hinders them from seeing better results in their life. Christian men make mistakes too, and that article is up next. In the meantime I hope the single Christian women reading are willing to be receptive to a different perspective. All points may not apply, but embrace those that do. For further insight on what is being overlooked in the process of receiving the relationship many Christian women desire, check out the bestselling book “God Where Is My Boaz” here on Amazon or at www.GodWhereIsMyBoaz.com
BMWK: Are you ready to change your dating mistakes?
Up Next: What A Man Really Means When He Says He Just Wants To Be “Friends”
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on September 25, 2013. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
Ooooooooowweeeee. THANK YOU. #1 hit me hard. Ok mostly all made me clutch my pearls and look around, the only person I saw was ME lol. Thank you for writing this. God bless.
lol I’m glad you enjoyed Sophia it and found it helpful. #1 happens to a lot more people than some realize. If we speak on it and encourage healing, then we can improve on that issue, and make progress with self growth.
I feel the same way too Sophia, some of these points stepped on my toes too, especially the 1st one. I admit to having a wall up sometimes too, but it’s hard and you never know if you can really trust a man sometimes. And it makes it even harder if you’ve had daddy issues, like I’ve had, and am still trying to overcome. It’s like the men I meet seem interested one minute and then the next, you don’t hear from them again. I am just focusing on me right now and letting the Lord work on me and making the changes that I need to make and not worrying about a relationship, it’s too much stress and headache.
Really great wisdom here…I/we most definitely needed more time to heal before we got married. When the bags opened, it was overwhelming all around. 15yrs. in and we’re still not as close as we need to be. It is only by the grace of God and our willing hearts to learn that has kept us. Thanks for the article. TGBTG!
Don’t focus on being able to trust a man, the goal is to trust God. As individuals we will all make mistakes, but when we embrace getting direct guidance from God, then we can avoid the common pitfalls. Also I believe most women (if not all) have been blessed with an intuition that lets them know when this man isn’t best. So embracing that more and not overlooking that will help greatly in the process of self growth and achieving better relationships.
Good article. Even though a lot of us know a few of these are things we already struggle with, sometimes it’s so hard letting go of our ways. Of course, I see that’s where keeping the focus on God and asking Him for guidance comes into play. I don’t want to get so caught up in looking for a guy that I take my mind of God and doing the will He has for me while I am single. I just keep reminding myself, in due season…
That is such an important principle you mentioned Nikki. Stay focused on God and what he needs you to do for your growth as a woman. I believe that when we continue to do what we are supposed to do, then we can rest assured that we will get what we are supposed to get.
Excellent read! You touched on many points that resonated with me. I got delivered from #6, which I have often heard described as “missionary dating.” It was tough, but after being disappointed a few times, I had to practice walking away. So now I ask God to keep imposters away, and for discernment to know who is genuine and who isn’t.
Thank you Renee : ). This is the first time I heard the term “missionary dating” but that is a great way to describe it. I’m glad you have broken free from that behavior. You have the discernment, you just have to trust it. Has your intuition ever led you wrong when you embraced it? I’m willing to bet it hasn’t.
I love that you mentioned that boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t a scripturally supported construct. People often marvel at how hubby & I went from strangers directly to engaged, then married, but we were completely God-led and it’s lasted 12 years so far. There was no need (for us) for the in between steps – fully trusting God should suffice.
Thank you : ) and I’m glad you mentioned your experience as an example of this principle. As you mentioned, many people are programmed to believe you have to be boyfriend and girlfriend first. When all you need in my opinion is to make sure you truly have a genuine connection with a person first, which being friends can show you. I’m happy to hear you and your husband are still going strong.
Your article was insightful and thought provoking. I agree with Ronnie, I’d like to see more discussion about a few of the points. I sort of understand #2 and where you’re coming from with it. I personally choose to be upfront before date #1 and give them a choice. I guess in my mind I felt like any other way would be false advertising and tantamount to trickery! I could see this article being co-written with a woman doing the mistakes a Christian man makes. Lastly, your point of finding a Godly man made me chuckle a little. Poor boxed in us, God can do soooo much more than we could ever imagine so why would we think Godliness looks the same in every man or woman? Great job sir!
Thank you Trina and I will definitely dive deeper into some of the points made in the article. I actually had already planned on making this a 2 part series with writing first on the women, and the men are up next. You said it right, God can do so much more than we could ever imagine. We have to trust his way, not ours.
Some good points… but–I think lists like this are really contradictory. I’m also exhausted by the “blame the women” dialogue that goes on in our faith in regards to dating. Enough. The real issues are these: pride, entitlement and addiction– mostly on part of the men in the church who are dealing with a whole spiral of issues as a result of pornography addictions and our broken world. The bottom line is: for every Christian man there are probably two or three Christian women. Shouldn’t the focus then be on working to encourage the future leaders of our homes? The fathers and husbands? Let’s deal head on with those big issues instead of tearing single women’s choices apart.
Thank you Creole Wisdom. I apologize if you felt this article was blaming women. That is not the case at all. It is simply pointing out certain mistakes or hindering behavior that some christian women overlook or do not properly address. The issues of pride, entitlement, and addiction have a deeper root that also needs to be discussed more often. The focus has to be on both men and women striving to be better individuals. There is a partner article for the men on this. You can find it here ==> https://bmwk.me/1a1evqp Again it is never about tearing single women or men down. We just all have to be willing to embrace holding ourselves accountable for the ways we can improve our approach in life.
I enjoyed this article, I’m especially guilty of #7. Is it possible to get more advice for us younger women, I have yet to cross some of those bridges mentioned.
Here is my take on this, I think the way the church is set up, it causes Christian women to be single. They preach and tell you don’t do this and don’t do that.A single Christian women need to be slaves in the church. Yes many christian women do hide behind the church and I do agree with #1. Most of them think that their husbands will knock on their door. When they never put there self out there. I am not advocating for someone to go out and have sex but fornication is not premarital sex. If you do your research it will defiantly define the fornicators where people that where paying prostitutes and not premarital sex. Fornicators was put in one category for everything. However religion has thought us differently. When discussing the bible we really have to do our research. There are so many points of view that will have your head spinning. I am a Christian and also a preacher’s daughter, there are certain things that don’t make sense to me concerning sex and dating. If a guy and a girl are friends, going out and hanging out is that not dating? Courting was not in the bible, please give me a verse where it says to court. This was actual a doctrine created by man. Look at all the marriage relationships in the bible. Ruth and Boaz, I honestly believe when she laid at his feet it was more to it. I think what it all boils down to is you need to have a relationship with God and he will tell you what’s right not what MAN is saying. Forget what you have been thought what God is saying. Even Jesus was against all these laws man created to follow.
Gen 34:1-4 Shechem has sexual relations with Dinah, and then AFTER doing this, says he wants to marry her.
Genesis 4:25 ESV
And Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and called his name Seth, for she said, “God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for Cain killed him.”
Genesis 4:17 ESV
Cain knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Enoch. When he built a city, he called the name of the city after the name of his son, Enoch.
There is also a verse in the old testament that discusses that when a man lays with a women he needs to marry her.
Most marriages that were in the bible were recognize by a sexual encounter, but the church say its wrong, Adam and Eve were married because of sex, they never courted or even dated. Most marriages in the bible did not court. Now having sex with any random people can be dangerous you need to know if this will be your life long spouse. So I do disagree with some things. I am celibate by choice,because I know when I have sex it will be considered a marriage,however when my spouse come and I know it is. I will move forward. So much Christians are jack up and confused because of this topic. I disagree with many laws/rules/regulations that the CHURCH has put on both man and woman on dating.
I totally agree with #7. I pray a lot! However, I don’t really know how to hear what God is telling me. There are so many things going through my mind I don’t know if it’s my imagination, anxiety, refusal to except the truth, or God speaking to me. I’m in such a state of confusion that I can’t see anything clearly, much less think clearly. I’m spending my energy just getting through each day. I function pretty well while at work but being at home is very difficult. How do I know when the words/thoughts are coming from God?
My marriage ended in divorce in January 2013. We married in Jult 2008 and almost immediately experienced several devistating events. Started in late August when husband lost his job; Husband facing trial on murder charges, which were dropped the day before trial was to begin; 9/9/08 our daughter was born at 23 weeks; we were both in serious condition for the first week; husbands grandfather died; daughter got very ill and died 7 days later; step-brother-in-law died 2 days later at 26; my grandmother died in April 2009; stepmother-in-law diagnosed with bone cancer. I spent 5 wks of outpatient treatment in a behavioral management program to deal with losing my daughter. My husband went to a few counselor meetings but soon turned to drugs. Got him in rehab in January 2013 for 30 days. Did great! When he came home things didn’t go the way he had planned and he got frustrated. When the news about his stepmother died in March 2012. He went to help for a while. Next thing he came back at the end of May to get his things. I filed ion 10/16/13. We didn’t talk until the day after divorce was final. We rekindled our friendship over the summer. He came to see me after his nieces graduation
I have not spoken to him since thanksgiving weekend. I have been texted by his girlfriend and asked to leave him alone he has started his life over and he doesn’t need his past haunting him. They are best friends and all each other needs. Told me that the things I sent him messed with his mind. And that he didn’t need to know about my text.if I wanted him happy I need to leave them alone
This is why I want to be able to distinguish between the two.
So much religious condescension and lack of humility in some of these responses. I promise the Lord gave us brains so we could THINK and not ONLY recite scriptures that suit our points. Great article Stephen and I understood exactly what you meant. Some of us really need to reach spiritual maturity. Fast.
Also, while I agree that friendship should be the basis of a relationship…I’ve never thought about going from friends straight to engagement/marriage. Definitely something to consider! 🙂
This is absolutely true! Last year I met someone who happened to ask my hand in marriage. Because I prayed about it and sought counsel, and he was a born again and my friend for two years I left my job and PHD admission to my country for the marriage in July. He called it off in August saying he wasn’t feeling the wife part. But we should still be friends.
I am still trying to heal from that.
Istrongly feel he was under the guise of “man of God” cos that was what drew my attention.
It hurts so much that the man wanted to marry you would tel u in the end he is not ready for that.
Normally, I tend to get my hackles up at such articles but this one really is right on the money! I had an experience recently with an infatuation with a fellow. It has really opened my eyes to my own ‘mistakes’ I’ve been making as a single Christian woman who is interested in finding a husband. Let’s add mistake #8 Christian gold-digging. “Coveting” his potential (for lack of a term). If you’re looking at that guy who seems picture perfect as the ideal Christian husband and going “wow…he’s a real Catch!” then be rest assured that nearly EVERY Christian woman within a 100 mile radius is thinking the same thing! Problem? When one starts doing that, you’ve stopping seeing him as a man and have turned that man into a ‘prize’ to be won…and that sort of objectifying is just straight up wrong. No one should be made to feel like a “trophy spouse.” The older you are and the longer one has been single, the easier it is to fall into that trip, too! Trust me, I know from recent experience. After finally being noticed by a fellow for the first time in 5 years since my last relationship, I went overboard and I should’ve realized he was just being nice. In short, I made a total fool of myself in the process and I’ve probably blown any chance I might have had with the guy by totally going overboard. Oh, well…live and learn, right?
Interesting article and enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, it will fall on deaf ears by most women because a lot of them feel it is the mans fault and their is nothing wrong with them which is ridiculous. I don’t agree with the statement that God knows that men are just distractions because men and women are both distractions to each other but will take it in the context of this is about the mistakes of women. At the end of the day, this article is about a true christian and not the many fake christian women out here. Being a God fearing woman is more than words but a lifestyle that is lived everyday according to the bible and not the adjustments that women will make to the bible..
I appreciate this article it really has given me somethings to think about.
The BIGGEST problem of this is Christian folks(no different from secular folks) put “conditions” in relationships. And. Present themselves with the title “Christian” or “Man/Woman of God”. What a bunch of B.S.. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich, poor, anointed, sinful, blessed, or cursed. Take all the descriptions off for a sec and see what you really are. I’ll take a humbled heathen over an ego-trippin saint any day. Not saying there’s no invert. But look at the adjectives….