Every marriage is different, but the requirements for being a good spouse are universal. It’s easy to say we’re doing our best in marriage but the evidence is how our spouse feels. It seems there is always room for improvement. We may never be the perfect spouse, and that really isn’t even the goal. Knowing we put forth our greatest effort in the majority of situations, especially the challenging ones, is the real goal. Unfortunately, there will be times we won’t get it right, but the more we try, the better we feel and the stronger the marriage becomes.
A great marriage isn’t something couples stumble upon. It happens by choice. Setting goals in a relationship helps us to stay focused and be more aware of our actions and words. Without a specific idea of how we plan to be a good spouse, the more we’ll struggle. It’s time we get really clear on what a good spouse and a bad spouse looks like and the difference it makes in our individual relationships.
The Good Spouse:
Communicates. Sharing our thoughts, our goals and even our disappointments are important for marriage success. Our spouses need to know where we are emotionally. How can they give us what we need if we haven’t provided them with the knowledge to do so.
Sacrifices. Making our spouse the priority is hard to do consistently, but it is the top ingredient for a successful marriage.
Practices integrity. When what we say matches what we do, you’ll find integrity at its best. In addition to saying “I love you”, “I’ll never hurt you” or “I have your back” showing these very statements with how we treat our spouse is even more powerful.
Loves. Love is an action word. It encompasses all of the above and then some. 1 Corinthians 13:13 says “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Love makes us want to do better.
I recognize being a good spouse isn’t always easy. Our selfish desires get in the way. We want what we want without regard to our partners. This won’t work, despite how natural it feels. Even though it isn’t easy, it is surely possible. The relationship goal I will challenge you with is being the good spouse as often as possible.
If you’re wondering where the list is for the bad spouse, there isn’t one. Simply put, the spouse needing the most improvement is the one who isn’t willing to do any of the above. Change is always easier said than done. The ask is that we simply be willing. One who isn’t, sends the message their spouse isn’t worthy of their best.
Again, this list may change depending on the partners involved. Having an understanding regarding the expectations in our marriage helps to reveal what a good spouse looks like to our mates.
BMWK, what do you think makes a good spouse?
1st I would like to say I enjoyed this article as well as the other articles that I read about marriage from this site. You share some good insight on helping people with their marraige.I’m a married man that dealing with something very strange, per my wife’s words I’m a very good man, the man she asked God for but what she doesn’t like is that I want her to keep her word to me. She may say that I do everyone of the subjects you have described as a good spouse but she doesn’t like that I hold her to her word. Besides the fact that our intimate life is truly lacking, her saying I love you to me doesn’t mean that much to me because she doesn’t show it consistently!!! I think about us she thinks about her. I’m not a man that doesn’t communicate I’m the biggest talker in the relationship but I don’t have anyone to talk to….subterfuge is what I get when I bring up an issue. Our sexlife or the lack their of has caused me to really re-think why I got married. We are empty nesters, I love my wife and would love to be with her for the resat of my life BUT I don’t want to have sex once a week or 3 times a month especially when I’m still a young man in my early 40’s. I told her that I was lonely now on that day she received what I said but a couple of days later she forgot which shows me she doesn’t care. Thats the way I take things …if I you tell me something and it’s important I keep it on my mind to not forget her feelings about this issue but I don’t get the same thing. I lead us in prayer, I lead us in going to church and studying the bible. I even go to her to ask (when things are ok) what can I do to be a better husband to you or am I fullfilling your needs/wants desires everytime yes you are….but mine aren’t being fullfilled. I don’t know what to do and I’m having thoughts I know I shouldn’t be having.
Signed: I need help !!!
Thanks for commenting Tony. I appreciate your honesty. That does sound like a difficult situation. I’m wondering if, instead of verbally communicating your needs regarding intimacy, you use physical communication to express your desires. For example kissing, licking, nibbling, ear biting, rubbing, touching, etc. How do you think your wife would respond to your touch, embrace?
Talking about intimacy too much can wear us out, but being physically turned on is something different. Although you are the one currently in need, try asking her what specifically turns her on and maybe asking what she needs in order to get excited about being intimate with you. Look for ways to physically please her so you both can get what you want.
Tony, sounds like you’re a fixer – the kind of person who believes thst if you don’t do it it won’t get done. If that’s true, and you know if it is or not, then stop. You have to step back and let her prove herself to you and the marriage. If she does then you’ve learned how to move forward with her. If she doesn’t, then you’ve learned how to move forward without her. It is less complicated than you’re making it, but it is very hard to control that impulse to “do” all the time.
Tony, it could be the way she feels about her self. Are you taking about her initiating intimacy? I know I look at myself n I don’t feel sexy. I desire my husband and can go through scenario us in my head as to how I’m going to rock his world but when it comes time to do it. I am so conscious about my weight since I have put on 80 pounds since we’ve met. He says and shows he doesn’t care about the extra pounds but it bothers me. However, there are those rare times that I may dress in something, where I feel sexy, you know, hair right, outfit tight, pep in my step n it’s on and popping, but again, those are rare times. I just think that maybe it really could be her own issues and not you. Maybe counseling would help??? I just don’t want to see you step outside your marriage or find yourself being drawn to someone else. I think you guys can have a blissful marriage but like all things that hold value in our lives, it takes work to maintain it. Praying for you guys.
TONY, you and your wife should read the five love languages.
Thinks Tony, for your honesty. The story of my marriage is quite similar. In my marriage I am the communicator. My husband is a silent partner in our relationship, even in the times when I am most broken. Most people who know us seems to think I should not complain because my husband is a very surface giver. Meaning he washes, opens my car doors, brings me food in bed , starts my car on winter days so that it will be warm when I get in and he loves my children like his own, never referring to the kids are the grand kids as his step kids.My husband and I may have and argument maybe every 9 months with me being the person at the enough of the silence of not being heard. Our intimate life is right along with our arguments few and far between. What my husband want do is meet me emotionally at all.My husband refuses to share or really show any emotions. I tell him sometimes I would like a good argument, or when I talk at least come back and let me know you were even heard me. Never and I do mean never does he come back and say honey I thought about what you were saying. I feel like even though he does all of these nice things that everyone see’s I feel emotionally unloved and cheated .I read all of your stories and share them with him praying he will read something that he can relate to. Through the years my heart has grown numb. I love my husband I believe because of my relationship with God but I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship og convenience for the rest of my life.
Vanny,
I appreciate your honesty as well. Does your husband have a clear understanding as to why you NEED him to do those things you mentioned (share, confirm he’s heard you)? Sometimes if we don’t recognize the significance behind our spouse’s request, and only hear how we’re not doing it right, we don’t get it and we aren’t as motivated to change. You’ll have to help him in getting it, if he isn’t crystal clear on why it’s important to you. Give him the chance to correct, but also be willing to bend in some areas also (if you haven’t already). Unfortunately, we don’t always get the exact behavior out of our spouse we expect. We’ll have to sacrifice and determine what’s most important.