A recent conversation with a married friend of mine quickly resulted in my wanting to get feedback from my BMWK family on this particular topic. This friend made a personal choice that her spouse disagreed with. While her husband was not pleased she felt confident that he would come around, and honestly our spouses usually do. Normally, much thought and careful consideration go into any decision made in a marriage. Couples must think of how the outcome will affect the overall relationship and spouse, as well as their family. On the other hand, there are those rare individual choices we make because they simply result in joy for us. These choices aren’t intended to harm the marriage, only to satisfy a longing we have.
Once we say “I do” we are naturally expected to join together and become one flesh, just as it states in Matthew 19. This means we are to forsake all others and consult one another when it comes to making major and minor decisions that directly alter how we progress in our family life. That makes sense, right? But what about those decisions that only affect one individual in the relationship, and the other spouse is not at all on board. Career goals and changes, going back to school and physical alterations all fall under this category. As we learn, grow and mature, our lives change and the things we didn’t seem to want in the beginning of the marriage are now what we’re longing for; and shouldn’t our spouse automatically be on board?
It is natural for our partners to be protective over us, so it makes sense they might first question something they don’t quite understand. But how we present the decision to our spouse can make a huge difference.
Getting married doesn’t change the fact that we are still two individuals within that union. There are going to be personal desires which our spouse will not understand, but if it’s important to us and our partner gets to witness the impact it has on us, then we’re on the right track. We aren’t going to always agree or feel the exact same way all the time. When those times occur we must be clear and communicate effectively. Explaining why, at this moment, this idea is so important to us and how it will make us better provides greater insight and will likely result in a greater understanding.
BMWK, have you ever made a decision your spouse disagreed with? What was the result?
This post came in the PERFECT time! Last night was the first time that I had ever gone drinking with friends without my wife. We’ve been married 3 years! Our first year was our honeymoon stage; our second we had our daughter. So we’ve been busy. I was upfront in that the baby was asleep, she was finishing class work, and I had nothing to do. I was even upfront that among my guy friends, there would be single female friends there. She wasn’t budging. I felt like a kid asking for permission past curfew. I told her I love her and to trust me. When I came home she was sleeping, I tried to hold her but she wouldn’t let me. I said I love you this morning and she didn’t say it back. I don’t regret what I did. I had fun without my wife. But she sure makes it hard not to feel guilty :-/
I’m not trying to pry but can i be candid for a moment? When you get married you are still two individuals with different likes, needs, etc. You can not lose your self identity to the point where you are no longer able to have friends or have fun in life. Given that you haven’t gone out in 3 years it shouldn’t be a problem unless either your wife has insecurities within herself or you have given her a reason to feel this way (just a thought) …
Good point Niambi.
I agree with Crystal. You should have another conversation just so can get a clear understanding of what it is that’s really bothering her. But it could be that she just needs some time away from school and family too.
Micheal, Your wife may not have a problem with you “going out” with the guys, but she may have been resentful of the fact that you COULD.
My husband and I have an infant son. I don’t have time to hang out and many weekends he goes out with his Dad, brother or friends. I trust him and don’t have a problem with him spending time with the guys, but I wish that it was an option for me. But between school, homework, housework and “the boy”, I can’t right now. So, sometimes it pisses me off that he is able to “let go” and fun. When my lifestyle just isn’t conducive to hanging out.
Crystal that is exactly how I feel. I dont mind per say that my husband can go and hang out. I do trust him and I am not concerned about what he does when he has his alone time but its just the fact that I am at home with the kids. I want time to be allowed to go out also. But between practice for the kids, daily housework, my job and other domestic duties I cant find the time to hang out…*sigh* Is there a class on how to successfully be SUPERWIFE, SUPERMOM and not lose yourself at the same time…I desperately need help with this…
Aliscia,
I believe we have to make time for ourselves a priority and explain to our family exactly why we need it.
My husband made a very big decision that I did not agree with. He bought a house that I told him I hated. I understand why he did it. It still bothers me tremendously because I don’t feel he took my feelings and my wants into consideration. As a consolation he told me I can do whatever I want to it. The only problem with that is he battles every change I want to make. So as a result have thrown my hands in the air. I have been living in a house that I cannot stand for the last 3 years.
….Career goals and changes, going back to school and physical alterations all fall under this category….
If the above piece of text is true, then we have not understand, comprehend and recognize what is the full meaning of becoming ONE flesh!!!
My spouse had made after he told me that he found an old friend via Facebook
Long story short. He told me he found an old friend on Facebook which was an ex of his. After reading some FB comments and messages it made me feel uncomfortable that resulted me in questioning him. eventually it came to a point where I was not going to accept this and leave, he told me that he didn’t want to loose me and that he was going to take care of it. Well, another discussion that leads into a hostile moment he mentioned that he’s not going to get rid of her on FB (not that if he did “there would be other ways of communicating”). Some other statements he said, ” I want talk/message her no more, I knew her before you, I’m not doing anything wrong so stop tripping, etc. When ever I want to talk and let him know how this makes me feel which I did at the begininng but close to 2yrs later it doesn’t seem that he cares about my feelings, I hurt because of this and its becoming to affect me to where moments can changes us. So his decision was to keep an ex girlfriend his friend? inspite of my feelings. Hopes this makes sense without alot of details.
opps, I didn’t proof read :l
I would have to disagree with this blog.
“Career goals and changes, going back to school and physical alterations”
Those no longer affect one person, the Wife or Husbands choice of a career affects the family as a whole. Whether it is the time dedicated to the job, the increase\decrease of finances coming into the home or the hours that will be spent at school and the finances that will be required from the family to achieve that educational goal. All of it is a team effort… at least I believe it should be.
As a family sacrafices will be made, and some dreams may be delayed for the sake of the family. Nothing is a sacrafice if it wasn’t something you personally wanted. But once you get married the family comes first and the husband and wife should be in agreement for what either one percieve as a significant change. That in itself should be a discussion on “what” is considered significant.
I will probably lose the women reading at this point. But at what point do you accept a decision from your husband when you clearly disagree. Is he only allow to lead when his decision is what the wife wants to do?
Marriage is some serious work, Active listening is very critical and a forum to speak openly is just the same. But as married couples is it acceptable to just do what we want when the other disagrees. To me that just opens the door for the other to do the same in the future. That could be the start of a viscous cycle that only stops at the divorce court.
@Michael I understand that you needed space but she may have her reason whether if it may have been the location that you were hanging out at with your friends, her personal insecurities or may she herself has something to hide and feels the guilt of what could happened because it already happened on her part. But its a very thin line thats sometimes hard to tell.. but I don’t know your back story
@Nichole To me personally we all have a past as an individual. But the day we get married and say “I Do” everything changes from that point. I have female friends but if my wife feels in any way disrespected by me speaking to another female that is not family especially someone that I had past feeling for that could possibly ressurect my duty is first to my wife and I’ll have to back off from that female because my wife come first and her resentment towards me for choosing to converse with another female that she has made perfectly clear she has a problem with is not worth it, its not worth placing my marriage on the rocks. And on the same token I expect the same from her, if I have an issue with a male that is not of her family as her Husband my thoughts\feelings come before that man. I belong to her and she belongs to me
As a single person, none of this makes marriage particularly attractive. To have to live with a final decision another person makes that I don’t agree with let alone hurts me or leads to distrusting his love for me is not a life I want. Yes, I understand compromise, but dang, in situation #1: why not wait until wife had no homework and y’all could get a babysitter? In the house situation: why is there even a discussion about what you want to do to the house? In the facebook situation: why are you still there if you gave him an ultimatum? Smh…surely it’s easier for me to ask these questions because I don’t have to live with any of the ramifications but REALLY????
lol, I really completely agree with you in your statement. But personally I believe the woman chooses who she wants to marry and that man she chooses has to be thuroly vetted prior to marriage. Hopefully a decision that was not ultimately your ‘want’ will lead you to distrust your mate and question his love for you and on the same token any man who’d duty it is to take care of his family will not make decisions to hurt his family. Sometimes he will make mistakes in that decision making process but be sure to look at the intent.
These are only my opinions, but a majority of the time a man will pick a woman who’s judgement he respect and who’d opinions he highly values and 95% of the time whatever his wife says he’s going to do. But if you can’t handle him coming to a decision that’s contrary those few times the choice to be single is not necessarily bad.
Thanks Mike. I’ve come to the conclusion that the man I marry has to have a heart yielded to God. Hopefully, this cuts out some of decision that might do more harm than good. Thankfully, I’ve seen a balance of the good and the bad; the functional and dysfunctional…that being said, I’m flexible, not foolish lol