by Delano Squires
A few people have asked me a question in recent months that I believe is worth addressing here today. Although articulated in different ways each time, it’s the same question that I’ve heard countless women ask about Steve Harvey, given his new role as relationship guru: “Why should anyone listen to anything you have to say about love, dating, or relationships?”
It is a totally legitimate question, not just for me but for anyone who is in the business of giving advice or presents themselves as an expert in some area.
An evaluation of advice or expertise typically starts with two things: the messenger and the message. We usually feel safe accepting the counsel of others when they have verifiable credentials (e.g. degrees or certifications) or extensive and tangible experience in a particular field.
Sometimes we take advice from people in one area even when their formal training is in an entirely different area. For example, both Boyce Watkins and John McWhorter are often called upon by major media outlets to discuss matters of race although their PhDs are in finance and linguistics, respectively. While I believe teachability is an important character trait, even the advice of “experts” should be examined carefully.
For instance, at one point in our country’s history legal experts held that black people were viewed as inferior by the framers of the Constitution and therefore had “had no rights which the white man was bound to respect.” My point here is simple: experts are capable of making mistakes, giving flawed advice, and exercising poor judgement, even with a great deal of training and experience.
This does not invalidate the usefulness of their expertise in a particular area. It simply means that they are much like us, trying to make sense of a world with so many questions and so few clear-cut answers, all the while reconciling new information with long-held beliefs, opinions, and biases.
In addition to the message and the messenger, it is also important to evaluate a person’s motives and methods. My motive for writing is simple: to provide content that helps people improve their relationships. We all value relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, but the amount of effort we put into making them successful is rarely in direct proportion to their importance in our lives.
We often put more tangible investment into our education, careers, and social networks than we do our love relationships. Therefore, my aim as a writer is to ask questions and start conversations about topics that affect relationships (e.g. intimacy, faith, fidelity), with the hope being that more effective actions will result from additional knowledge.
As I wrote in a previous column, the pain of past experiences often limits a person’s ability to give objective relationship advice. This is why a person’s methods for forming opinions is just as important as his/her motives. Sometimes our loved ones have great intentions but their inability to let go of their own hurt means that the words they speak with nourishing intentions often end up having poisonous results.
Personally, I strive to ensure any major relationship advice that I give is biblically based. While I believe that the principles and insight I share are also applicable to non-Christians, what makes this ancient text so powerful is that it often upends conventional wisdom about the world in which we live. For example, modern conceptions of love focus on feelings, both physical and emotional, that wax and wane throughout the life of a relationship. The Bible (1Cor 13:4-8), however, captures the essence of love this way:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
This is certainly a much different perspective of love than we are used to hearing in our everyday lives. In addition to the foundation I described above, I, like many people, attempt to learn from my own personal experiences, as well as those of others close to me. I do so cautiously, however, because relying too heavily on personal anecdotes can also lead to bad advice. Personal experiences are helpful when attempting to make sense of our own lives, but we should all be very careful not to make sweeping generalizations about entire groups of people based solely on our limited relationship histories.
Finally, the last tool in my toolkit is my background in public policy. While we all experience our relationships on a personal level, there are benefits that are reaped by children, families, and communities when people build strong relationships and marriages, and often dire consequences when they don’t. Just think of how many people you know who would characterize themselves as successful because of their family and upbringing, as opposed to those who would say their success is in spite of their personal history. An understanding of how our private relationship decisions often have public effects (e.g. social welfare spending, juvenile incarceration, teen pregnancy) has proven useful during my time writing for BMWK.
I hope this post will be a helpful tool as you evaluate advice, particularly on relationships, that you receive on this site and from other sources. The “4M” approach (messenger, message, motive, and methods) that I described has been useful in my life, but ultimately it’s up to you to decide what to do with the advice you receive. I recommend treating relationship advice the same way you treat your emails. Flag some senders automatically as spam. For sources that you trust, read the messages and save them if they are useful, and send those that are not to their rightful resting place”“the trash folder.
BMWK, how do you evaluate the advice you receive about relationships and other important topics? Who is your most reliable source of advice? What is the worst relationship advice you’ve ever received?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Social Policy at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
Gods_Man says
For us we have always evaluated most advice, especially relationship advice, against God’s word. For us that is the only real object measure.
The most important piece of relationship advice I got was from one of my mentors while I was dating my bride. I spent lots of time working with this mentor in our church and he pulled me aside late one night and told me that as much as he enjoyed our time together I should prepare to shift my focus to my marriage. I argued with him about finding balance and being able to do both. He took me to Ephesians 5 and told me that as a husband my focus needed to be discipling my wife and potential children. Then he took me to 1 Timothy 3 and said that if I missed my calling at home, it disqualified me for ministry. Then he took me to the traditional wedding vows and reminded me that I was making a covenant with my bride before God and so that gave it primacy over all other relationships.
8 years and 2 children later and this one piece of advice still keeps my priorities in line.
Great post.
EPayne says
This is a great post — on all levels and points. You hit the nail squarely on the head. I will definitely reapply some of these measures that I’ve strayed from personally.
Keeshab2002 says
I seem to internalize peoples stories about personal experiences, and how THEY overcame certain issues. I almost value this knowledge over facts and figures, because it’s folks actual testimonies and stories of struggle. I learn a lot by other peoples mistakes and successes. I haven’t really had any “bad” relationship advice that I can recall….
Sanaka11 says
What a wonderful and unselfish word of advice. Please be sure to pay it forward.
Dimples_76 says
This article is so on point. I am engaged to be married later this year and have recieved an abundance of “unsolicited” advice. Although I know that it is well meaning, I do know that most of it comes from people who are being led by their past hurts that still haunt them. I ask the Holy Spirit to give me discernment and I reference the advice back to the bible. If it can not be referenced there and if the person giving the advice hasnt produced any positive fruit from using their own advice, then that is easily dismissed. My fiance and I pray that we get wise counsel during this engagement. I do know that some well meaning people will give you advice that will jeopardize the blessing that God has for you. Be careful.
amber says
for me messenger is definetly the biggest factor…if im in a relationship and youre not then im not really tryna hear what you have to say…i want advice from someone whos in the same boat as i am…and likewise i dont give advice to my married friends or friends in relationships…i just dont think thats my place to do that because every situation is different…
Kitty76 says
I tend to not discuss my relationship or problems with people that are negative and judgmental. I look for advice/opinions that are genuine and that will actually be helpful. A lot of people out here are miserable and can’t get past certain things that have happened to them in their lives. I just keep things general with them. Advice is a serious thing to me and if I take the time out to ask you a question I want it to be meaningful and worth while. If someone asks me my honest opinion on something I make sure I give them the BEST possible advice so that when they walk away they feel at least hopeful and can do something positive to fix the problem not vengeful.
TheMrs says
I am very mindful of who it is giving me advice. About 2 yrs ago we decided to go into marital counseling, not because things were bad but because we wanted to keep things good. We sat down with the counselor and the first thing my husband asked (credentials were available on their website) was whether or not they were married or in a long term live in relationship and whether or not they had children. We hear the message that is sent but evaluate the messenger always!!!
Keeshab2002 says
You are so right!
Lorri says
I value advice that is helpful and appropriate for me based on my values. I can’t go off of someone’s advice if it doesn’t line up with my faith. And more importantly, I struggle with the idea that because you are a celebrity, I need to trust you. There’s a ton of advice out there, but a lot of it is just a business gimmick. So, I take my time and also ask for feedback when I hear something from people who have my best interest at heart.
Chasing Joy says
I really like this. I think the 4M is a great litmus test. I will be using it.