by Michaela Stephens
I have been married to my amazing husband for several years now. During our first year of marriage, my husband cheated on me with a mutual acquaintance. I didn’t find out about this until almost a year after it happened. I then responded in kind, and had a several months long affair. Did I mention that we are still married?
Let me go back to the beginning. When my husband first told me he cheated on me, I felt that gut punch to the stomach. It was raw, it was surprising, and it threw me off course. It wasn’t the cheating that was the worst part, but it was the betrayal in friendship. My husband and I have been best friends for over a decade, and we have always prided ourselves on being completely open with no secrets. There was nothing that I didn’t know about my husband regarding our past dating history. He knew the same about me. The fact that he didn’t tell me something of this magnitude until almost a year later disappointed me with its cowardice.
I said all that to say this: Cheating does not exist in a vacuum. In some cases it’s more complex than it seems. If you and your partner are currently going through this situation, my heart goes out to you, as I completely understand what you are feeling. As a disclaimer, the following advice only applies if you both have decided that you take on the infidelity and remain committed to each other. If you are moving on separately, I still suggest a few sessions of individual counseling so that you could make peace with any leftover remnants of the betrayal. If you are going to work on forgive and staying together, there are a couple of things that you need to do in order for this to work. Another disclaimer before I continue, I am in no way a professional at this, and I am not going to act like I am either. I’m just giving you suggestions based on my completely anecdotal experience.
First up, start from the beginning.
What I mean by this is where did this come from? In order to not repeat the same mistake twice, you need to figure out the root of the problem. Once my husband and I were able to get past our initial emotional reactions to our infidelities, and entered marriage counseling, we were forced to listen. No interruptions, no screaming, yelling and accusations. (I also strongly advise third party mediation.) My husband and I are typical military couples, as we married Justice of Peace style, followed by an actual wedding a year later. We were extremely young, in our early twenties, and in the throes of post-adolescence. We were also products of divorced parents, and extremely wet behind the ears, with no real idea of what marriage really entailed, except for stick it out. We both looked at our sides of the story. I’ll tell his first.
His Side
Prior to getting married, the consensus was that I would finish another few semesters of school, and work the high season at my job and then eventually move down to where he was stationed in the Southwest. But then as soon as we said our vows, my husband assumed I would immediately relocate. I was upset with his request because this is something that we had discussed at length prior to getting married. From my understanding both parties were in agreement with the plan. All of my friends, family, school, and work were on the East Coast. To my husband being married meant being one and living together. I felt like I didn’t need to live with my husband in order to be married, and I was surprised that my very modern and feminist husband had such traditional expectations of me as his very nontraditional wife.
This was an argument that came up several times during our first six months of marriage. I stood firm, and shut down any and all attempts from my husband at compromise. It felt like he was just changing the game up in the ninth inning.
Here are a couple of things that I didn’t take into consideration: a few weeks after getting married, my husband received orders to deploy. He was fearful, and nervous about going into a war zone for 15 months. He also did not have family in his location. I was his family. What he wanted and needed was the support of his wife.
My husband had all also been harboring negative feelings about events that took place prior to getting married. With my rejection of moving, coupled with feelings of hurt regarding problems pre-marriage, my husband became increasingly resentful and bitter. He eventually stopped caring altogether about our marriage. He withdrew, and basically, in his eyes, he longer felt like he was married.
What advice would you have for a couple in a similar situation?
Click here for part 2
Michaela Stephens is the owner of Metropolitan Swim Instruction, LLC, an aquatics based company that specializes in spreading awareness of the benefits of swim instruction and water safety. She is happily married to her husband of six years, Craven Stephens, who is a soldier in the U.S. Military. Michaela’s two biggest passions are finding ways to help guide other couples through the not so black and white areas of marriage, and also empower the modern woman on how to achieve individual balance, and happiness while juggling all of the many roles in her life.
Lgray2883 says
Nice article… I look forward to Part Two!
Sonya_Iam says
It takes courage to be cheated on, forgive and move on…You stopped the story right when it was getting good though? Okay, i’ll wait for you to share your part in the next article.
mdwilliams says
I find your story to be very interesting. Most people would have given their marriage up. With God’s knowledge, wisdom, guidance & strength, you can get thru anything. I’m happy to hear you Worked it out. I cant wait for part 2.
Larie says
Advice from experience, (Michaela our stories are very-very similar), first, don’t get married until the time comes that you can live together; the distance alone is a strain-I don’t care how much trust you have for one another especially being so young, (we were married at 18 & 19), and being away from home for the first time. Deployments are not only hard for the fact that it’s typically a war zone, but there’s a saying in the military, “What goes on TDY stays TDY.” Couples have to honest with one another and connected in ways more than physically.