Why is offering an apology so difficult? Most people take it and turn it into something ugly. An apology, to some, means our spouse now has something to use against us. We somehow feel it gives our partner the power in the relationship. What we think they’ll do with the power is still unknown. This, of course, explains why people are so stingy with apologies.
In reality, saying I’m sorry simply means we were wrong, we made a mistake, and we’re not perfect. We create these negative scenarios in our heads about the apology and it causes us to prefer the conflict instead of create a solution.
I’m sure enough evidence has surfaced thus far in our lives to confirm we aren’t as perfect as we think. The last mistake we made, unfortunately, won’t be the last mistake we make. Asking for forgiveness will play a major role in how a couple overcomes challenges.
An apology is defined as a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another. It’s basically us making an atonement for the pain our spouse may be feeling. That’s it, that’s all. It definitely isn’t the end of the world. I recognize this may be a little difficult depending on your spouse.
In order to be successful in love we all have to humble ourselves and do what is necessary for the relationship. In case you didn’t know, there is an art to this very useful relationship tool. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare to apologize.
We must get over the outcome. Thinking it’s going to go to your partner’s head, or that they “won” is harmful. What we do for our spouse should have nothing to do with what they do for us. As adults, we know the right things to do. Of course we make choices every day to do something different. However, love should guide us, if we stop and listen to our heart. If our spouse is hurt, whether it makes sense to us or not, we should apologize. A primary relationship goal for every couple should be to protect the heart of the other.
The apology must stand alone. Have you ever heard someone say they were sorry and then blame you somehow? An apology is ineffective if it is tied to something negative or meant to shift blame. In its essence, it’s meant to take full ownership of our own actions. We can’t really be sorry if we are still pointing fingers.
There should always be sincerity. Taking yourself out of the equation and really examining a situation from your partner’s point of view provides a clearer understanding and increases the chances of being able to offer a sincere apology. Saying we’re sorry just so our spouse can stop complaining, or so that we could benefit some other way only adds problems down the line. If we aren’t clear on why we’re apologizing, we should always look for clarity on any situation that occurs in our marriage. Asking our spouse what caused their frustration and really taking time to process it is key.
Know that you are personally responsible for making it right. Only positive can come from both partners consistently approaching the relationship thinking “I have to make this right” whether they were right or wrong.
In order to experience a relationship at its best this is one of the sacrifices needing to be made. We have to remove our selfish desires and shift our focus. Apologizing is a relationship-building skill that can heal even the weakest of the marriages.
BMWK, what method of apology would you add to the list?
Natalie guidry says
I’ve been Married for 8 years 10 years together before the Marriage. We have suffered through many storms, when ever their is a problem or issue I find myself saying I’m sorry majority of the time, my Husband rarely say it unless I force him. I’m tired of the disrespect and the lack of concern for my feeling. We might be headed for a divorce or separation soon if things don’t change , not happy in our Marriage. Any suggestions I might try before its over.
Tiya says
Natalie, thanks for sharing your truth, that’s not easy to do. Before you walk toward divorce, here are a few things to consider:
1. Have you sought guidance? Spiritual, Therapy or Coaching?
2. How have you communicated your needs to your husband? If you’re forcing him to apologize, it won’t be sincere and it may lead to resentment. When we communicate it has to be genuine and out of concern, it can’t be forceful, or angry because we won’t get the results we’re hoping for. We have to explain what we need and why (how it makes us feel when we don’t receive what we need)
3. Our spouses need an understanding of why, whatever it is, matters to us. It’s like when we tell children, “do it because I said so” they don’t receive any value in that response and are more likely to make a similar mistake again, because they aren’t seeing the value in it. Our spouses need the same type of approach. They need to know if something is hurting us and why we feel the way we do and not just because we said so.
4. Sometimes we give our spouses permission to continue behaviors that aren’t benefiting the relationship, because we haven’t expressed ourselves clearly enough or we’ve shown it in our actions that it’s acceptable. What do you think will happen if you didn’t apologize first and ask your spouse the same question.
carl says
Me and my wife are seperated and have been for a month now and everytime I try to reconcile with her she pushes me away I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage I never cheated on her but I did lose Her trust not supporting her in finances like i should have been and helping with our 5yr old son,some days we’re good and some days we’re not, the light has finally come on for me and I want her to know I will give my all to this marriage all she ever tried to do was help me I tried to do everything myself in the end Everything explode in my face. I’m seeking a better relationship with Christ in an even better relationship with my wife and my son
Tiya says
Carl,
Prayer, acknowledging and taking responsibilities are the best actions to take. Your actions at this point will be the proof needed to see you’ve learned from the errors of the past.