What a stunning admission, I thought as I stumbled across this status update recently on Facebook. Facebook seems to be the perfect outlet for sharing, promoting and releasing frustrations and disappointments. A release of frustration is exactly what one of my Facebook friends decided to do last week.
The complete statement read
“I am married to a cheater. I know this, so no one has to tell me or talk behind my back. There is nothing I don’t know”.
As you can imagine, this declaration generated many comments. Quite a few were very supportive, and surprisingly there weren’t many responses recommending divorce. People seemed to understand and not question why a person would stay in such a situation. The person who made this statement is married to a celebrity. So we can assume they have probably experienced more than the average couple. I’m guessing this particular day they must have gotten fed up with people gossiping and decided to take matters into their own hands. Making such a bold statement definitely sends a message. It confirms they are not only aware but that they accept their reality. Not many people can or want to be able to do that. Infidelity is a major challenge that affects far too many of our marriages. Some are willing to work through it while others immediately call it quits. But to know your partner is consistently unfaithful and there not be an action plan in place is a little scary.
While all the remarks demonstrated support of this person who admitted to being married to a cheater, I read it with amazement and didn’t quite know what to make of it. I was amazed at her boldness, yet I sensed her pain. Part of me wanted to question and challenge her on the importance of self-love and inform her she deserves so much better, but I didn’t. I just joined in on that list of comments reminding her that I was here if she ever wanted to talk and that I was sending love and prayers her way. What I learned from her statement was that it’s her life, her marriage and it could include or not include whatever she wanted.
There are many reasons people decide to stay in unhealthy marriages. It’s also easy to say what we would or wouldn’t do in a similar situation. We can also share the many reasons why someone should leave a marriage that lacks faithfulness, but it’s their decision. The best thing we can do is be supportive, encouraging and listen when they need us most.
BMWK, how would you have responded to this statement?
There is a lot more than courage at play when the cheating man is a celebrity. She doesn’t want to leave that lifestyle and that fame and that money. Those women know what their husbands are doing, but will sell their soul for the next Jimmy Choos
We’re so quick to judge rather than sympathize. Maybe this woman loves her spouse and is hoping for change. Sometimes it I about love. We say we should love ourselves more, but it’s okay to love someone through their imperfections. No, it shouldn’t be to the extent that it risks your physical health, if that’s a concern.
Never thought I’d be the one to stay through such pain, but he actually did grow up and change. Was it worth it? Yes because if I’d have left would I now be experiencing the happy, healthy marriage we have now? I’ve heard so many people who have been married for decades tell the stories of what they’ve been through in their marriages. I can guarantee you that anyone married for any number of years has experienced hurt and betrayal.
If there was a guarantee that a different mate would bring me no pain, I might’ve considered it…but until then…
I agree with you totally!!! I stayed with my husband and here we are, 17 years in, and more in love than we were at the beginning. I can now look back and say that I’m glad I didn’t run and turn my back on my marriage because the lessons we’ve learned have made us stronger as a unit. We now have consentual love, respect and honor for each other!!
Wow….. you just wrote our story and summed up our marriage as well
I’m wondering how did you learn to begin to trust him again?
I’m the original poster and I can tell you the road to trusting was so hard I didn’t think I could do it. I couldn’t. Given that I believe in Jesus Christ, that was my foundation. It had to be because there was no wy I could do it. Through months & months of tears & frustration I had to accept that I was not in control. But he also had to want it. He gave me the passwords to his cell phones & email addresses. He got frustrated sometimes because he felt like he had no privacy. Too bad. I saw EVERYTHING. All the emails, pictures, text messages. But he was ready to change. He worked as hard as I did. Like I said – it wasn’t easy. He had been that way so long that he had to learn a new behavior. After a while I had to stop looking and start trusting. And I wanted to let go of the past. To keep looking was only keeping the wound from healing. But I had to stop making everything into a big deal. In the last every time he picked up his phone I would get mad. After he started letting me see, I realized that most of the time it was friends & family. Sometimes emails, sometimes txt msgs. He has so much spam email tst you can imagine how min his phone would chime. But can you imagine how much that would make me mad in the past?? For nothing… But suffice it to say, I also had to change and let go and stop accusing him. I had to let go of my anger and hurt. I had to change as well because I couldn’t keep making him relive his mistakes once he repented. I was then judging. But to end here, I’ve learned to give it all to God. I trust my husband, but I also learned to say, Lord he’s yours. The more I tried to fix or control or change the situation the more I got in the way. And one last thing – I had to learn to not withhold sex in my pain and anger. I can honestly say it wasn’t deliberate, but my feelings would stop me from intimacy. And that only made things worse. I had to make myself love again and want again. I had to be intimate when I wasn’t feeling it. I had to learn to initiate it inspire of me. We’re beyond all of that now.
Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing this with us. I have been married for 12 years and found that my husband was doing a LOT of flirting with women on his job and also slept with someone. It has hurt me to the core. He also had a “first love” that he could not get over ever since we have been married. He found her via a social network and they talked for a while now I suppose he’s content since he found out how she is but it left me furious. I had left him in December and returned home – since he practically begged me to come back – in February….. But I am having the MOST DIFFICULT time trusting him. He says hes not doing anything but it hard for me to believe him. I too get angry at phone calls that mostly turn out to be family and friends, I get angry about him being at the job, hes had to start working Saturdays lately and that REALLY had me on edge since that is where most of his “activity” occurred. He assures me that he’s not doing anything, we have arguments about it – I find it so hard to just believe him because that’s what I was doing all along and he was being sneaky and lying. We had a HUGE blowup argument this evening. I am tired and I know he is too. I don’t mean to be so mean, but the hurt is so real, so painful. I have been looking for answers, something to help ME – and I stumbled upon your post – and I now feel that I can do this – I CAN forgive and move on. I get so emotional and so sad sometimes. I feel like I am his second choice since he could not be with his “first love” – all kinds of thoughts go thru my mind. Its torture – and ths why I am so grateful to GOD for finding your post – because now I see that if I REALLY don’t want this marriage to end – I’m gonna have to let go and Let God and I mean truly really do it. I truly want to honor my vows and it means a lot to me to make this marriage work. Leaving is the easy thing to do, but when you love someone its not so easy to walk away even if they hurt you real bad. Keep me in your prayers as I will do for you. Thank you for sharing. Your post helped me a LOT!!!!
Plz hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers. It is very possibl to have success. If you believe he’s truly changed, let all of it go. I used to feel as though he was getting over on me if I didn’t keep looking & finding things. That interfered with my peace. You know what? If he’s cheating (& you don’t know), then she can have that hour here & there. All she’s worth is a five minute phone call? I’m saying if something is going on that you don’t know abt. My point is, don’t waste time worrying abt something that may not exist. If an affair is happening it will come to light. If there is no affair worrying didn’t change anything still. If you’re making it work then let it go & move on. The less you care the less you care. Focus on other things. Now would be a great time for my husband to cheat because I don’t call him much throughout the day. I don’t txt except to flirt with him. He contacts me more than I do him. He keeps me posted on his day.
Having said all of that, there is such a thing as respect. After all of this, another affair is out of the question. That just means he has no respect for me. But we’ve made it through this storm and things are great. When you’re making it work you have to consciously turn off the negative thoughts. Think positively. Feed yourself the Word. Stand on those promises and trust God to move on your behalf. If you don’t try to fix it, then He has the space to do so. I’ve learned that the less I do & the more I trust, the more He does on my behalf.
We moved 6 months ago & found out that our new neighbor (single female) is having an affair. We know b/c my hubby remembered the guy from a wedding. I only see her in passing but I feel sorry for her. He may have spent the night once. He comes by briefly maybe twice a wk. I wonder abt his wife & what she knows or suspects. We’ve gotta do better…
I know this had to be God’s work! You see in my case, I’M the one who was the cheater and it was with my “first love.” My husband found out through “snooping” because I told him that after 26 yrs of marriage and going through a lot of ups and downs with him, I was very unhappy. Yes, I cheated and yes enjoyed it but the guilt of it all weighed me down heavily.
Being that I know the Word of God and “chose” to ignore it because of my “flesh” I stepped out (He does gives us a freewill). But after the conviction of it all became too unbearable for me, I asked my husband for a separation so that I can get ME together. I attempted to do it this way without having to hurt him because of “my” infidelity. Well suffice it to say, he knew it was more to my statement that was being said and yes he found out the truth. So what does he do…. the same thing which only created a bigger problem. Now the trust is not there for either of us BUT because we still love each other, we are attempting to work it out. By being truthful to one another and actually “communicating now” in this situation, is the beginning of our healing process. He and I both realize that somewhere during these 26 yrs. our marriage hit a rock and just fizzled out. But we are not giving up and are staying in the fight to accomplish this feat!
We have separated but still see each other as if we are two people who just met. And truth be told, living apart is actually working for us! At first he didn’t get it, but now he sees exactly what I was trying to tell him…. It’s bringing us back closer to each other! Funny how God works! LOL!!!
I thank you BMWK for this site because you allow us to have a voice and not be ridiculed or judged because of crazy decisions we can sometimes make. I can’t and won’t judge this woman because as I stated, it wasn’t my husband, but me who stepped out. So this is why i tell people NEVER EVER SAY WHAT YOU WON’T DO because it just might be you the next time. The scripture says “judge ye not lest ye be also judge.”
Today it’s me…. tomorrow…. who’s it gonna be? The one who passed negative judgment on this woman, the self righteous one??? We don’t need judgment but ENCOURAGEMENT and support with the help of Abba Father through prayer and faith and works… without the work it won’t happen!!! Be blessed family!!! Ciao!
I’m really grateful to read all the post and see that there are many people dealing with the same pains I deal with. It’s just so hard to trust again and move foward…for the “umpteenth” time. I’ve prayed and is praying and hope God shows up and out soon.
I understand totally what you’ve faced because I’m going thru the same exact things. I think i need counseling because I need to learn to love and become intimate again. Yes, its my decision to stay in my marriage but I will be respected and my husband needs to own up that his mistakes have caused this issues in our marriage.
My husband and I went through all of that. Sounds like you were writing everything that happened to us and what we went thru. My feelings with the cell phone and social media. It was hard and took me out of my character. The anger, hurt, feeling of total betrayal. Now we practice TOTAL Transparency or marriage. Celebrating 17 yrs in November, Thank God for forgiveness.
Good for you for working it out. No one knows what you’re going through but you and your husband.
I really would like to talk more to the women that have been in this situation. I have no one to talk to, the circumstances they share are what I need right now. I have been married 15 years married young and have so much trouble moving forward
Omg that is so true but its her who choose to stay we cant help who we love and god does not honor divorce and you reap what you sow and god will bring him in when he get ready if mother nature dont get you father time will. And as for as people talking thats just society they dont have business sothey meddle in other people business
In the case of infidelity He does. Jesus stated this in the book of Matthews. No one should feel they have to stay with someone who is either a sex addict or simply a habitual cheater.
GOD Bless everyone in this type of situation for trying and being true to their Vows. To just up & quit on each other and the marriage shouldn’t be the first option; after putting up with it for a while—(maybe the hardest thing to do)—but it’s bye, bye Baby! A person will continue to do whay they keep getting away with. LOVE may keep a person in an healthy marriage, but Self-esteem, Self-love and Self-worth are very important and plays a major role in how much your gonna deal with and for how long.
TYPO last paragraph:
A person will continue to do what they keep getting away with. LOVE may keep a person in an unhealthy marriage, but Self-esteem, Self-love and Self-worth are very important and plays a major role in how much your gonna deal with and for how long.
ALSO:
Divorce was never GOD’s will but allowed on the Grounds of ongoing unrepentant sexual immorality—adultery. Such a loving GOD to not force people to be STUCK in an unhealthy painful situation for the rest of their lives!
Rough for any couple to acknowledge infidelity. Prayers ia all I could offer because you just can’t define another person’s breaking point.
Wow
Hi All, I can say we all have a story to tell. Some or the same and others are different. I have been through the same but worst and should have left with child no. 1 but I stayed and child no. 2 popped up. at this point I do not trust my husband and he is trying to build his trust, only God knows what will happen. As was stated you never know til you are in that person shoes. My husband is not rich, but I am in love with him still. Shocked I know But GOD…. just pray for people like us and do not judge because God never puts more on you then you can bear. Yes, Some say we deserve more, but you never know what is behind the next door, you do know what you have and you pray for strength.
I would really like to talk to you. I’m also in the very same situation. Kids and all. I just think it would be nice to speak to someone with the same story. It’s very hard to deal with. And sometimes I just don’t know. But GOD. I’m praying for you and your situation. Please lift me up as well. Seriously if there is a way to correspond and you are also interested. Iwould
love to talk.
I would simply say to her that for her to openly admit this in this very public way tells me that it is weighing on her heavily. I would tell her that in that moment right then I am lifting her in prayer and asking for God to touch her spirit in an undeniable way that will allow her to make a decision that is okay and well with her spirit.
It is NOT MY PLACE TO TELL HER TO LEAVE OR STAY.
Sex is sex. Love is love. The two are not synonymous and you can have one without the other. I would never assume that my husband choosing to have sex with another woman has in any way diminished his love for me. I would, however, be bothered, concerned, and angry if he lied to me about it. Lying demonstrates that he no longer respects me. Lying is deciding he wants what he wants and I have to deal no matter how it makes me feel. Honesty gives me the opportunity to figure out how I feel and how I want to proceed.
Just curious…how is it that only lying to you means he doesnt respect you? Cheating cant mean that he respects you either can it? Im so not trying to be a smart a##. I truly wanna understand how cheating doesnt diminish his love for you. I agree that sex is sex and love is love. But disregarding your feelings and your marriage for sex is not love. Most Cheaters dont inform you that they are gonna cheat…they lie in order to cheat and all while cheating. Choosing to have sex with someone outside a marriage is doing what you wanna do OVER your marriage.
An action can be a mistake. It can be done without thought of another person or without thought of future consequences. A mistake is not about me. A mistake is your failure to be thoughtful. A mistake is your failure to consider the consequences of your actions before acting. So if I am in close quarters with someone, perhaps working, whatever, and I sleep with them, it may not have been a premeditated act. I suppose there are times when cheating is premeditated, but there are times when it is not. Lying IS ALWAYS a premeditated act. Lying is about weighing the consequences and deciding you want to attempt to avoid those consequences so you are going to risk damaging the trust of the people who care about you so you don’t have to be held responsible for your actions. Lying means you don’t respect me or my trust in you and you lack the maturity to accept the repercussions without condition. I personally can’t deal with that. But that’s me.
I hope you didnt think I was challenging you at all. I just wanted to get where you were in your thought process. I actually am struggling with this very issue. And I am totally lost. So trying to gain perspective is something I am dealing with. Often times when an offense takes place (any wrongdoing in general) against you, all you see is you and how it affected you. You are unable to use reasoning that you would had you been on the sidelines. (hope that made sense)
I appreciate your clarification. I didn’t see it as a challenge, just an opportunity to explain further. I hope you didn’t find my response hostile. I pray that you find answers that will be both healing and restorative for your heart and soul.
I get what you’re saying, but I disagree. Cheating is a premeditated act. It has to be thought of as an option before the act is committed. One may not spend hours thinking about it, but at some point they remember they are married. It may be a short conversation with an even shorter answer, but it is thought of, considered and justified before it happens.
Close quarters or not, one knows beforehand that they are placing themself in a precarious situation. They actively choose not to leave the situation and choose to see where it goes. Just like it takes years to be an overnight success, it takes planning to allow things to “just happen”.
It may not diminish their love for you, but it definitely let’s you know how much they value you as a mate and respect their own integrity.
@ All the Anonymous’s – when someone truly loves you, that man or women will only have eyes for you and you only. The only reason your husband’s cheated is because they’re weak boys pretending to be men. Trust me, I have older brothers and they have given me a wealth of knowledge when it comes to cheating. You women deserve better than a man abandoning you and your children to go and have sex with a women who could have a STD or worse HIV!! Please go and get yourselves tested and if you’re husband’s agree, please go and get them tested because HIV is one of the leading causes of death amongst African American women. God Bless you ladies and your innocent children.
You hit it dead on the nose! Why get married? It really angers me when my time is wasted. I am so thankful that I am a Christian. Otherwise, I would just stop praying for this person.
20 years together, time wasted 12, I am glad I saw the light
My heart goes out to the young ladies dealing with cheating husbands. God gives us a way of escape. It’s up to the person to pursue that way. I can’t prove that my husband has cheated physically, but I do know he has mentally. He denies that it is the same. It most certainly is. So now, I am disconnected. I don’t care more often than I do care. If he left right now, I would consider it a door that God is opening for me. I will probably miss him for a moment, and then I will be renewed because reality will kick in. God is not the author of confusion, therefore, this has got to wrong for me. God wants his children to enjoy life. I can not do that with what I have. Looking forward to my greater!
In response to
Anonymous October 1, 2013 at 4:17 am
I am happy to say that Me and my husband talked today, I mean really talked. Wear on the road to healing and I have decided to let it all go. How you said you were during your healing process was me totally and I saw that it was not helping in the least bit. It is an awesome thing – how God does – HE had me see your post at JUST the right time for me in my life at this moment in my life and just to hear your story has given me hope and strength to make it til death do us part in my marriage. I read everything you said and it sounded like ME all day long. My husband wants our marriage to work. Like your husband, he is willing to have me view everything. I am going to be wise and do what I am supposed to do as the helpmeet God gave him, humble myself, no more ranting and raving. I am so thankful that God is the one I look to for my everything and He heard my cry when I was ready to throw in the towel. My husband is a Christian also so that makes things even better – we depend on our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to help us thru whatever! Our talk was good, then I came to see if I had a reply from you and I did – God is GOOD!!!!!
God is good. I am so happy you and your husband were able to talk, really talk. Let the healing begin. I will keep you in my prayers. Thanks for being so honest about your challenge. I am sure you have touched so many others who might be in a similar situation.
Awesome! I am happy to see your response. It’s amazing what open, honest communication can do. Yes, EVERYTIME I read your response you sounded exactly like me and what I had been through! I will share my story anytime I can because I have lived through it and it could easily have gone another way, but for the grace of God. It takes work and it’s not an easy road. God bless you. Imagine how many women you can help with your story… I have always believed that if both people want the marriage (& God is in it) then it will work. If we can find a way to let go of the pain & feelings of betrayal, then that’s half the battle. I will continue to pray for you. This made my day!! D.
I also require your prayers, my husband has been cheating with every woman he meets, in his workplace, home place estate and major towns there are women for the last three years. we parted ever since but its him who moved out and abandoned us after two years of separation a friend of his told me things are worse and i need to find out how I can help him which has been difficult since he doesn’t own up what he is doing and doesn’t find it risk, he is just possessed into it. have tried but in vain and I believe God is the only help here, pray with me for his deliverance. we have two young children
@the girl when someone cheats they think and they are lying, your logic doesn’t makes sense, because if someone is cheating they are automatically lieing to you. Men should not get married if they are not ready to settle down, and vice versa. Get it out of your system then think marriage!
No. Cheating is not lying. Cheating is sleeping with someone else. Lying is being dishonest in an attempt to deceive or keep the truth from being discovered. Those are two different choices.
I think I understand where this poster is coming from. Cheating is an act of dishonesty. You are not being true to the commitment you made to your spouse or significant other. So in that sense its the same. But the girl I believe is saying if you cheat and are asked about it come clean…or even if you cheat there should be something in your spirit that once that ‘moment’ was over..you felt immediate remorse and confessed without being coerced.
Yes, TG, that’s what I believe. And when it comes to your vows… you may have told the truth when you made those vows, so really when you cheat, you’ve chosen to break your word. That’s not the same as lying, although it is dishonorable. When we look at it like this, we’re not just talking about unfaithfulness, we’re also talking about dishonesty (lying about cheating) and dishonor (violating vows).
Also, I have to add, even dishonor is about you. You made vows before God and you chose to break that covenant. You dishonored yourself. I have to ask myself if I want to dishonor myself by breaking the vows (til death do us part, for better or worse, etc). I am not sure that I become free to break my covenant with God just because you broke yours.
Infidelity does not exist in many cultures outside of the United States. In many countries it is common for men to take more than one wife. In the United States men have multiple wives but have to divorce first. This hurts the family. Why can’t a man or woman have multiple marriage partners if everyone agrees? This way there will be no cheating and men could have as many wives as they want with no one causing judgement. Women can do the same thing. In the Bible only pastors were held to a standard of one wife. Many others had many wives.
May the Lord strenghten you all and give you the grace to keep holding on. ThanKs for sharing with us. God bless.
I can say if she love him and can be happy in it more power to her. I did it for over 12 years and it comes a time when you just have to say to your self I am worth more. I loved him and stood with him as a Christian wife and him supposed to be a man of God. we are divorced now and I am standing and waiting to see what God has for me. The pain is a harsh reality that even in standing sometimes one woman or man is just not enough for some. May God bring her Joy in her standing by her man.
Hello all, I really don’t want to intrude on this great conversation but I’ve read all the posts and they have touched me personally. I was on the other end of the relationship. I was dating a guy for 14 months until I found out he was married. It tore me apart until I reached out to a friend that knew him and she really helped me through this tough time with fasting and praying. The wife harassed me for weeks and he still tried to contact me or months. I could have easily continued the affair but my integrity wouldnt let me and that is not what i want for myself. Being a Christian I felt like it was all my fault because I went back on my word to God so many times so when this happened I really had to re-evaluate my relationship with God. I apologize for all you ladies have gone through and I pray God continues to strengthen your marriages.
I’m glad you interrupted the conversation, and now is a woman that recognize cheating is wrong and it takes two or more people to cheat. Because sometimes the spouse that is being cheated on forgets that, and allows the cheating spouse to become the main objective and focus point of their pain and hurt. So knowing you have come to a higher Godly conscience to stop yourself from continuing to break ties among married people shows much depth, and I thank you. My spouse and I have been through several cheating experience in our 20 years of marriage, some of it was me too. We were so young with kids; however, our Love Is True. That’s why I can take a broader societal outlook on cheating. Understanding, people can have the right intention and still make mistakes, can be looking for love in all the wrong places, and start to hurt others because of their own hurt and pain. And as I read the postings on cheating I know it is a deep societal problem because I believe most women and men want to be loved and loved holistically, and that make me think about the other person that decides to cheat with a marriage person and I realize they must be hurting from past Love Relationships and in need of significant healing from within. Cheating is wrong and can never be right, yet it happens every day all day, so it is not just a surface sin but a root sin. And as Christian we must killed and exterminate the root so the sin cannot return, that takes soul searching all the way around. Hebrew 13:4 – “Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.” I like to say, To Heal, “Start Asking the Tough Questions”. Like, Will I ever be truly happy, if I keep causing someone else deliberate anguish? And through these methods my spouse and I have keep learning to forgive and grow into a healthy marriage, together. All glory belongs to God.
But I am here in regards to pre-marital cheating…I understand that we should have never crossed the line of living together before marriage and having a child out of wedlock – I mean perhaps that is the cause for all the pain I am in at this very moment…but I understand that people are not perfect, I would like to hope he will change, I would hope one day that he sees what I see in him and the value he has is much more than what he is seeing…not his money – because I have my own, not his car, because I have my own, not his home, because I found that thing! When he came to me we both weren’t in situations that one or the other could be used, so I know that wasn’t the case…but now what? Do I leave because of the mistakes…I mean demanding anything won’t help…he says he needs time to get his life in order and allow God to help him…so do I just leave? I am so confused and I have been in a marriage before, so I am aware everyone will have a down fall, I feel if I leave I’m giving up and any person I date after will not be perfect, so I am basically trying to determine if it’s worth it to leave ot worth it to work it out. I am in love with who he is in God’s eyes HONESTLY, not who he is today, but who God has designed him to be. I see greatnesss even in his flaws…what to do?
As with any situation admitting that there is a problem is the first step to finding a solution. Infidelity is normally a result of a bigger problem in marriage yes it’s heartbreaking mentally, spiritually, and physically. When trust has been broken only God can restore and heal. and you have to be willing to let healing take place for anyone that has been hurt that has been hurt by unfaithfulness in your marriage and you still love your spouse and want to work on the marriage. Seek Godly counsel be willing to forgive even through moments of anger and frustration. You and your spouse can make it through and beware of parasites they come in all forms with terrible advice. Know that God is able to heal every broken relationship because He honors your marriage God Bless
This entire article saddens me. It sounds like the celebrity woman in the story probably didn’t want to give up her title or lifestyle so she decided to accept her husband’s cheating. We all know that GOD created marriage and hates divorce. But GOD also knew there was only one act that you should divorce for and that’s adultery. Why because adultery is such a horrible and defile thing to do to your spouse/union. It is the ultimate sign of disrespect, unloyalty, and selfishness. Do we all make mistakes, of course we do but cheating is always done purposely. There are so many things you have to do (flirt, inappropriate talk/text, photos, meeting up, taking off clothes, etc.) before you actually commit the adulterous act. So your spouse had plenty of opportunities to think about you, your union, your family and did not. There is no way a person who truly loved themselves would accept this from their spouse. I suggest that this woman forgive and pray for her husband but file for divorce and move on. There are too many diseases (whether he used protection or not) that she could catch while she is “waiting on him” to change and get right. How about people not get married if they don’t want to be faithful. Stay single and stop entering into covenants with people who want monogamy. We all have urges and desires but as adult we should be able to overcome these urges by thinking of our marriage/family and putting more desire toward our spouses not someone else. Again GOD lists adultery as the only reason for divorce for a reason. And since HE knows marriage better than any of us, its time we started listening to HIM about what we should and should not accept.
Hello everyone, I was very pleased with everyone story. It feels good to see that I wasn’t the only one going through things such as you ladies with my husband. I want to tell my story not everything but a general idea of my life, I am in the process of writing book about it as well. One thing I can say to some of you women is that I have tho give you kudos for still being with your husband. Me and mine are coming up on or ,4th year of marriage and six years together. We have 3 beautiful and amazing children together. Since I met him I have been in love with him, it was times here got on my freaking nerves don’t get me wrong. But he has been cheating on me since we started and it was times he wouldn’t do it for a while, short period of time but still did it. Two years after our first born one of the girls had cheated on me with gave birth to his son. So you know I was distraught and hurt, til this day sometimes it hurts but I’m over it. I stuck with him then we had two boys after that time frame but he still managed to cheat with her and others. So imagine what I went through, through those years. I loved him still and kept that faith. I shed a lot of tears and I prayed that we would still stick strong. I guess until 2012 things happened and we were separated but off and on, two diff households and it affected our children major. I guess I finally quit and moved back to the state we were from while he was in the state that we had moved to. Being away and over the past year has made me think and be upset at times because I wish I would had stuck by him and prayed harder and believed longer, things was so bad between the two of us I was shaky on my faith at times. I gave up on the man who needed me, though what he was doing was not right at all. I miss him so much our children miss him. I feel like we grew apart over this year, it had been hell. But all I could do is continually pray for him whether we are together or not. I want my marriage, my husband and my bestfriend and I will not quit on him. He is dealing with things from his past and it really does take time and patience and to believe God will work EVERYTHING out if you trust in him. Faith without works is dead! So I’m coming to you ladies to not ask for your advice but that you pray for me and my family in this time if storm and I will do the same. Don’t give up just yet the fight is not over until God said it is and you’ll know when it’s over, peace be with all and God bless!!!
FEEDBACK LADIES 🙂
God bless you!! I feel your pain and confusion. I’ve posted several responses as a woman whose husband cheated. You have to pray and seek God. The thing is – so many of our men are dealing with issues from childhood & don’t have the necessary tools to change. What that does is leave their women hurt & frustrated.. By the grace of God mine changed but that was after some time. I’m not offering you any advice whatsoever, but what I realized for me was I had to love him through it. The biggest way to do that was to CHANGE my response. I had to get in the Word, pray, be patient, humble and real with myself and him. If this is wat I wanted, then I had work to do. I had to stop the fighting. I had to learn to honor him & not tear him down long after his affairs.
Ok but first let me say, b/c I haven’t said this in any if my responses yet – I left him & moved on with my life. He changed before the divorce & won me back. He chased me. He was the one who made the change. BUT those same issues had to be worked on b/c they don’t just disappear. I hate to keep writing so much but I want so bad to help anyone who’s been in my situation. I saw him as a joke. A man with no self control or will power. I tore him down with my words the way he tore me down w/ his affairs. I had to realize that neither if us would come out of this in good shape. I hate to say it, but I still had to change too. That doesn’t excuse anything he did nor the pain & disrespect he caused me, but suddenly I had to take a look at my own behavior. One, I got tired of being the “victim” & two, I got tired if being angry. And perfect. B/c I’m not… And then I realized I had moved from hurt to JUDGING and not compassionate. I was keeping him from moving beyond his mistakes (though I felt like he deserved it!!) but I was either in it or out of it. I couldn’t stay stuck.
I hate to do this but I see the brother below did it. If you absolutely need more tips/info on how to get beyond the hurt email me @ [email protected]. Yes it’s cheesy & I just created it but something else I haven’t mentioned is that I’m a Pastor’s wife & though I have a testimony, I’m not quite ready to share my story with the world lol. Sorry…
Thank you so much for your empowering words, it feels good to know that others who have been in my situation or going through my situation is out there. I believe that marriage values are token advantage of, due to many believing it is just a piece of paper or not that important. Many don’t know though that a healthy marriage has an big impact on families, children, homes and LIFE itself. We have to work together and pray for one another. There are too many marriages failing because people are losing faith, they want they help but don’t have the patience to do what it takes including myself. I understand that giving out your number or email is a big iffy thing but it is appreciated because there is a lot of others who need the support and prayer, I’m happy to give my email to communicate with others and receive others stories and share mine if we help each other and pray for one another our blessings will return greater, please do feel free to email me at [email protected]. Thank you!
The question is this. How long should his behavior be tolerated? Would he have been just as forgiving if the tables were turned? What is the example being set for your children?
Just like an addict whether it is drugs or the other you cannot do anything until they are willing to change. You should use this time to learn more about you and keep your positiveness for yourself and your children. We all want the family setting of both parents being present, but remember that children also feeds of the energy that is within the household.
So just keeping praying and leave it in God’s hand. In due time you will have all your uncertainties cleared up.
I feel the hurt and emotion of every person who is the offender and offended. We as a people do a lot of things because of mis guided information and the thoughts we live with. Yes we deserve better in all things. To whom much is given much is required. To say don’t give up or leave are both opinionated statements. How about daily we all get up and pray for our spouse calling there names to the Lord asking to protect them as they go and when they come back. Ask the father to cover them with his love because we can’t do it alone. He/ she needs you father to be a better person. Show us how to love like you and gave everything to prove it even though you knew that some would reject you, you still layed down your life for them. Father I thank you for (spouse name) and tell or call out some of the good attributes and conclude that we declare this will be a good day in JESUS name Amen!! Kiss your spouse and let them go about their day. Sometimes during the day txt to them you love them and was thinking of them. Pray for yourself and realize how tainted the mind is, how it try to focus on the things bad you found or how you hate them for cheating on you or with holding sex. Saved or unsaved we all will experience this. To some its a trial, but to other its merely your own temptations. I been with my first wife 25 years, married 18 of them. Now re married and the beat goes on. I am learning to express freely my pain and concern and not shut down as a man, then move on with my day. So let’s encourage and pray for each other. Serious talk only for change not for playing games or being victim!!Call me 202 359-9843 let’s pray for each other. Especially brothers please call, we can help each other fight to reclaim our position with God and family. As I type the very words I am mad as hell, but I am finding encouragement to bless and pray for other and not focus on me and bless God inspite, I’m still going to love her through the valley experience. Whatever choice we all make, let it be yours and not someone else because of a testimony or emotionally charge scripture someone else wrote. Seek God and his word for your life, submit un surrendered areas of your life you hold on too from hurt and protection. I love you my brothers and sister.
I mean really – How hard is it to stay faithful! Men approach me all the time asking to take me out, buy me things etc… But guess what? I’m married and I took my vows seriously, so I promptly tell these men I’m married and keep it moving. Even when things between my husband and I aren’t going well or all hell is breaking loose in our house I still stay true to my vows. There is no excuse for a grown married man with children and a wife to be in the streets cheating on his wife. Stop making excuses for these clowns, you married women commenting on this site look pathetic and weak. If you cheated on your husbands tomorrow and your husbands found out they would leave you in a heartbeat and you know it, because you all probably love that man more than you love yourself,your children, and God.
Wow! There is so much here. I just want to say thank you to the people who have been so transparent here. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. in the beginning we had 7 years of horribleness; mostly caused be me always testing how much my husband loved me because I truly believed I was unlovable because things people had said to me growing up. we had two incidences of almost infidelity on my part. We were able to take a long and hard look at what was missing in the relationship that was causing me to want to go outside. During that time I was suffering from a lot of depression after the birth of our first child, then working on a lot of my family issues. My husband was not being very supportive emotionally. before anyone starts bad mouthing him; it was not because he did not want to be, but more because he did not know how to be. For most men it is hard to admit that. Through a wonderful couple giving us 1 year of solid counseling both together and separately and meeting with us for 1 year after Wednesday night service we were able to start learning what it meant to be married. We had many ups and downs.
The one thing that remained stable was My husbands love for me.
Because I was so hurt from the abandonment of my biological father It was even hard for me to appreciate the love my step father who had been there for me in spite of my biological father refusing to give up his paternal rights to let my step father adopt me and give me his name.
All of those things played a part.
We were able to make it out on the other side.
It was a long and arduous process. So much so that I could not work outside my home for 11 years. because each time it was someone I had connected with on the job.
I want to say to anyone in this situation Do what you feel is best for you in your heart. If you want to stay and do the work then stay; If you want to leave, there is still work that has to be done when you leave.
If there are children involved, please get them someone to process all of this with.
Either way it will take WORK. Most people go into marriage with some fairy tale. You have a Glamorous wedding and you forget about the WORK that will need to e done to keep the fire burning.
Here are some wonderful tips we were given a long the way:
1. Continue to do in marriage what you did out of passion in courtship.
2. My spouse was told it was time for him to be a man and a Father and if he did not know what that meant, then ask other men who were husbands and fathers for help.
3. I was told to Shut my mouth sometimes.
4. We both were told that we are different and that are differences do not make us wrong, just different. I always looked at things form the mind set, that because my husbands life was not as hard as mine he did not know anything.
5. I also had to learn to let him be “MAN and LEAD” and to stop usurping his authority with our eldest and only time at the time.
6. I had to learn to “COMPROMISE”. I come from a family of strong women, but I did not see a lot of married women. I did not see how to compromise. It was either their way or the door.
7. I had to learn to let my “Walls” down. That was the longest lesson I am still working through.
8. I also had to learn to be willing to be and have a teachable spirit. Still in training.
You hear only my side, because I can only speak on what I have learned, my husband has his own opinion. I encourage everyone here to take some time to stop and think and mostly pray.
There are so many things and people that are against marriage. Lets do more coming together and offer prayers and support; share your heart and your stories without blaming. Life is about learning. no one is perfect. We can always stand to grow and learn. We all have something we can teach one another. lets start teaching from our lessons learned the hard way rather that passing judgments and opinions.
I would like to offer up these words of encouragement: Father forgive us for speaking sharply or negatively on things we do not know about. Allow us to open our hearts and minds to your true love. Open our hearts and minds to healing. Where their is darkness let your light shine in. Where their is pain let your healing begin. Where seeds of discord were sown I pray that seeds of restoration will be planted. I ask for peace, joy and strength in all these situations. I ask that what was meant for destruction be turned for your glory. I pray that your will be done in all these situations. I ask for a new found love and peace be given and received. Let your peace be instilled in the hearts and mind of all who read this. Let your Grace abound over all marriages. In Jesus Name Amen.
Love, Grace and Peace to all my sisters and brothers
Nadiyah
@ Nadiyah – Thanks for being so transparent with you post, but you sound like the female version of my husband – Someone plagued with childhood unresolved issues. I can’t understand for the life of me why would you or my husband decide to marry someone when you have issues that will cause another person turmoil. You just like my husband should have stayed single – sought counseling- resolved your issues and then got married. Doesn’t that make common sense?
I am glad everyone does not think that way. Realistically speaking when you are hurting you just want the hurt to stop. Most importantly you want someone to love and care for you. I am so glad my husband does not share your point of view. I am so grateful and happy we have made it through the rough times.
Sometimes you need someone steady to help keep you grounded and keep you in the reality. My husband has and always will be my anchor.
He know how to soothe and calm me when others just gave up and threw me away.
so no I do not share your view.
All people need someone to stand by them no judgements, no criticism, but just hold up their arms while they continue to fight for their life.
@ Nadiyah – I’m not standing in judgment of you or anyone else, but when I was going through my life situations I wouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with anyone because you don’t bring your problems into another persons life and bring that baggage to them. But I’m glad you have found someone to help you through life.
It is so good to see so many comment. I’m in a similar situation, newly seperated from my spouse of almost 5 yrs. We have been sep for a month now. I left. I discovered the affair in Aug of last year. Through his many lies of changing I stayed thinking things would change. We tried counseling but he would go in there and lie. He wants the world to believe he has actually changed while still doing the same things in secret. He has had multiple affairs in this last year that I have found out about. He admits to having a problem but has been claiming he’s a changed man. I look at phone records and he’s still doing the same things…I dont even confront him about it anymore. He does not know I have our phone records password. I just let him continue to text and tell me how much he is changing and staying in the house and don’t go out… Again all lies…Im hurt because I want my family, we had custody of his 2 children and we have one of our own. I had to leave my children who Ive grown to love as may own these last 6 years… Its hard, it hurts. I leave it all in God’s hand. I know what Im going through is exactly his plan so I don’t question it. I don’t know what the future holds for my husband and I, I only know that right now I’m loving up on me…..
The sharing and love on here is something I have been searching for. I have been married for 11 years and recently I found out about my husband infidelity. I have always had a feeling that he was cheating I just never had any solid proof and when he was ask numerous times he lied. It wasn’t until I check my phone records and notice that he text the same number all night long, so I decided to check his phone and of course it was what I though all along. I’m hurt over the cheating but I’m more upset over the words he said to her. I have known my husband for 22 years and I can’t remember a time when he was faithful to me, I know we only been married 11 of those years, but how can I trust him when it’s been so many years. I have heard it all before I Love you and I won’t do it again but to just find out he cheated. I find myself crying every other day and just so angry with him I want to push past the pain but right now it’s so fresh and I know my children are effected by this because I’m all over the place. I ask for a separation but he refuse to leave because he feel I won’t come back if he leaves, but I feel that’s the chance he took due to his actions. I have prayed I have spoke to God and I am waiting on God to guide me right now cause I don’t know rather to leave or stay. But the way things are right now I don’t want to return to this same marriage I need a fresh and clean slate with him or without him. When do the pain stop and the healing begin?
Why do women put up with this and accept this type of behavior from men. SMH !!!
I feel your pain. I do not think that you can ever trust again. The sad thing in my situation is that I was sure that I was getting involved with an older man so that I was the young one that he would always be in love with. Maybe he is. It does not really matter if he is cheating.