From time to time, we receive comments from individuals that say things like: “Well that post was nice…but I don’t believe in God or I don’t go to church, so what about my marriage?”
I, as well as many of our writers, believe that marriage is a covenant (a spiritually binding relationship) between my husband, me and God. And as Dr. Michelle so eloquently states in her article, I Can’t Imagine Marriage Without God:
“I am not too proud to admit that without a power bigger and wiser than us, my husband and I would be lost. . . if not divorced. So, not only do I reference God in my writing, but I also reverence Him in my life. My marriage isn’t perfect, but the God I serve is. And, as long as we keep Him first, we will be just fine.”
So no matter what we are discussing, inevitably, it’s going to come back around to understanding God’s perspective on marriage. And when times get tough and we feel like our marriages are under attack, we turn to God’s word. As Briana Myricks wrote:
“On one particularly difficult night, I turned to my Bible for answers on how to deal with this, on how to fight for my marriage, despite the Devil trying his best to destroy it. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (NIV)”
But if you don’t believe in God and you don’t read the Bible, then perhaps Bible verses are not what you want to hear. And this brings to mind two things that my mother always tells me, which are: 1. you have to meet people where they are…and 2. you have lead by example. So, I take that to mean you have to do more than just talk about God’s word and reference bible verses. You have to be living and breathing examples of what God asks us to do in marriage. In Ephesians 5:33, we are asked to do two simple things in marriage…just two: Love and Respect. And I want my marriage to embody those rules so much so that people want to know….what is it? What is it that makes your marriage so good. Because I want some of that.
I also thought about something that Speech Thomas, lead singer from the Grammy Award-winning group Arrested Development, said in our last movie, Still Standing. He said:
I feel for someone that does not have some type of standard that they dream towards and that they’re pushing toward. And that they know when they are not meeting that mark so that they can reach for that……Any decisions that we make in our lives are based on what standard is around us.
Speech and his wife Yolanda were dealing with the devastating impact that infidelity can have on a marriage. But when they decided to understand what God says about marriage, it changed the course of their marriage. And they are Still Standing strong over 16 years later.
So, if you do not believe in God, then perhaps you and your spouse should ask yourselves and agree upon the standards that you do have for marriage. Don’t just wing it…set some standards.
And just this one last thing, one of the things that made me 100% sure that I wanted to marry my husband Lamar was his faith in God. Because as Leroy Scott states..when husbands believe God, the game changes:
“When men do this, they set themselves on a course, not tied to the frustrations of their past, but rather to the fruition of their future. Their motives are driven by faith and the secrets of their hearts are healed without being revealed. They lead everything towards one direction, making all things work together for the good of their family. When husbands believe God; the game changes.”
BMWK — What standards have you set for your marriage?
Checkout a teaser from Still Standing below. And you can see the full trailer here –
DrMichelle says
Great response Ronnie. GREAT!!!
Ronnie Tyler says
Thanks Dr. Michelle…
Natalie B. says
Thank you for writing this piece. I am a fan of this site, and although I am a believer, I often find the constant references to Christianity a bit heavy-handed, and could see how a non-believer visiting the site would be turned off or confused. I think the emphasis that you placed on standards is something that believers and non-believers alike can understand and put into practice; standards are not only Biblical, but universal. Most importantly, you wrote the article in a manner that didn’t compromise your relationship with God and your beliefs, but is still accessible to those who are not believers.
Nae says
What Natalie said! Great post Ronnie 🙂
Maria M says
I completely agree with Natalie B – although I believe in God, but wouldn’t call myself a Christian the constant references to the bible can be really off putting, and I’m not sure how its supposed to help. Marriage crosses all religions, as well as the non-religious and cultures (all within the black community) it would be great if this could be reflected more on this site.
Ronnie Tyler says
Thanks for responding Maria…as it is certainly not our intent to be off putting to any of our readers. But, I am finding that this day in age that almost any reference to God is off putting. For every article that references God…we probably have 5 to 6 that don’t. But I get so many strong reactions to ones that reference God or the Bible.
Ronnie Tyler says
Thanks Natalie.
To tell you the truth…it is hard to please everyone…we also get complaints and comments about not being “Christian enough”
stephanieb says
I agree with your post Ronnie, religious or not, standards need to be set in marriage in order for it to work. And as you said, you can’t please everybody, so why even bother. If a person is offended by posts that seem too Christian, then they can go to another site. To me, our culture is too worried about pleasing people. Last I checked this is a free country and we have religious freedom (although I think that we are losing that a little), so all of the attack on anything Christian-related is just ridiculous to me. Our overly politically correct society gets to me sometimes, so my apologies for the rant 🙂
Yana says
I agree completly with Natalie. I was raised in the church, but am not particularly religious as an adult. While I absolutely beleive in God, I find constant bible thumping extremely annoying. Out here I tend to stop reading a persons comments if they come across as one dimensional thumpers. Bottom line, there are plenty of good, strong marriages that are not faith based, just like there are plenty of disastrous, superficial marriages with couples who do the most behind closed doors.
Yana says
… and go to church faithfully (meant to add that to the post)
T. Leach says
Ronnie, I think your response was most appropriate. We, all believers and non believers, need a set of standards to live and govern our lives by. And I disagree, I do not find your references to the Bible or God heavy handed. They are refreshing and sometimes what gets me through my day. So keep on referencing and giving accolades to God. He deserves it, whether you believe he exist or not.
Niambi says
Well said!
jack girl says
I agree with u T. Leach if we want to know about a product we read the manual or ask the creattor or designer of said product. the creator of marriage is who we need to seekregarding marriage.
nylse says
I don’t find the references to God/Christianity on this site to be heavy handed or off putting. Many topics have been covered and all do not reference God; however if God is your foundation it will come through in the writing.
I think it is well balanced.
Clearly you are affecting both believers and non-believers.
Its true in Marriage as in life, you need someone bigger than you or a standard to do it well. Call it what you may, but the Christian calls this someone God.
Abena J. Asanti-Neal says
Personally I’ve learned to weed out Christian/Muslim references because I understand that many people don’t know how to respond to others appropriately in the absences of some type of religious order. The problem tends to be that most of the religious members of these groups believe that without their system you don’t have a moral compass available. Marriage is a covenant and it doesn’t necessarily have to include a spiritual figure. Do you really need to have religion to stand by your word… Some folks do but I’ve learned to accept good advice no matter who the message bearer is.
Sheree says
Thanks for writing this Ronnie. I have always thought the institution of marriage was built on a covenant [founded by a Higher power] PERIOD. So, if there are married non-believers and I know that there are, what are on Earth is the marriage based on? What kind of vows are said? “By the power vested in me…I pronounce you man and wife”. Pardon my ignorance but where do they think the “POWER” is coming from? I’ve never been to a non-believer’s wedding, not have I knowingly had the opportunity to meet a non-believing couple. So, I have no way of knowing or understanding how they make a marriage work and survive under fire or in the midst of trouble.
Trudi says
The POWER is the government. Because without that POWER, you are just a woman standing in a church in a pretty white dress. It means nothing if you don’t have a marriage certificate from the government aka POWER. And without God, your marriage would be based on whatever you and your partner, societal norms, cultural traditions, etc agree to base it on. There were marriages long before your Jesus ever stepped foot on this Earth and there will continue to be marriages in the future. FYI – Research actually shows conservative Protestant Christians, on average, have the highest divorce rate, while mainline Christians have a much lower rate. They found some new information as well: that atheists and agnostics have the lowest divorce rate of all. https://www.dvorak.org/blog/2007/04/11/us-divorce-rates-want-to-stay-married-go-atheist/
stephanieb says
Please explain to me the difference between Protestant Christians and so-called “Mainline Christians.” Hence another example of how “testy” people get when you mention anything related to God. And honestly, I could care less about the power the government “has” because most politicians can’t even keep their own marriages in check, so how can they regulate someone else’s?? And you can take most of these lame studies and surveys they conduct with a grain of salt. They poll about 1000 people and that’s supposed to be representative of the entire group?
Trudi says
Ummmm it sounds like you wanna hear what you wanna hear. Sheree asked who are these “Powers” and the powers that grant marriage is the government. Not god. If you got married in a church, but never signed a Marriage Certificate, you’re not married. If you could care less about the government, then don’t sign a Marriage certificate or file your taxes or apply for Social Security. You purposely took a federal institution and turned it around to suit your whims. It is not a politician’s job to regulate YOUR marriage. They regulate the marital institution. Eventhough politicians probably live a lifestyle similar to what these priests/pastors live. If you want concrete studies or surveys, then Google them! Why call them lame when you’ve never done research in this regard? Ask yourself how many people do you know that are married & Christian? Then ask yourself how many people do you know who are divorced & Christian? There you go.
Edward says
Ronnie – I think BMWK does a great job of balancing the “religious tone” of it’s articles. A Christian might want every article to be religious centered. A non-Christian would never see the need to talk religion and marriage. And I think this site respects both poles.
Traditionally, we have been among the most religiously “flavored” people. The black church and faith among black people has had undeniable influence on “us”. The seeds of which still live in many people today, including some of your contributors and many readers. So no surprise that so many articles refer to faith. In the final analysis, not everyone has the same religious outlook or background and you respect that. But as a people, the truth of the matter is found in the old hymn many of our grandparents use to sing, “We have come this far, by faith, Leaning on the Lord…”.
Kuade says
Agreed. I think the site proactively seeks a good balance.
Jackie Bledsoe, Jr. says
This is a GREAT post! Thx for posting Ronnie!
Justin Bonaparte says
I am an atheist and my wife is a Christian. I was raised in a Christian household and Catholic school K-8, but never was a believer. My wife was raised in a Christian household and gave her life to Jesus at age 9, her father went on to become a pastor himself.
Yes, we have different outlooks on life and raising our children. Of course we have disagreements, but what marriage does not? We work through it just like every other couple. I fell in love with my wife because of the person that she is, not because of what she believes happens to us when we die. I think we have found a great common ground, where we both express our thoughts and opinions to our kids (6 and 8) about life, love and religion. They will grow up knowing that whether they come to believe in a god or not, we will always love them, and each other.
Trudi says
This article referenced “God” 18 times. So if someone is asking for advice as someone who doesn’t believe in god, do you think you did the best you could in them with sincere assistance? I read this article 2x and only came across one paragraph that gave a non-biblical or spiritual approach to marriage.
The Bible has MANY ideologies on what marriage is. Man + Woman… Man + Brother’s Wife… Man + Woman + Concubines… Rapist + Victim… Man + Woman + Woman’s Property (slaves)… Male soldiers + Virgin prisoners of war… Man + Multiple Wives… and Male slaves + Female slaves. Giving tempered biblical advice is fine. But the bible is not applicable as a PRESENT-day go-to source for marriage. And we should not have the mind frame that people who don’t use the bible as their marital foundation are doomed. Only 1/3 of the world are Christians, so people all over the world are functioning just fine without God and we should all keep that in mind.
Ronnie_BMWK says
God’s in my marriage and in this post 18 times..that’s a fact.
At the end of the day, you and your spouse need to come to an agreement on your own standards for marriage. …be intentional about your marriage…we say that on the site all of the time. We also say Marriage is not One Size Fits All – you and your spouse need to do what works for you.
We are going to have posts that reference God on this site…but many (no most of them do not) There is a lot of good advice and suggestions on this site. People should take what works and leave what doesn’t work for them. Our writers are being transparent and sharing their stories in hopes that someone can relate…in hopes that someone may be inspired to make a positive change….or simply to encourage others.
It’s about personal choice…if you don’t use God as a reference..well what do you use. What do you believe in? (And I am not really asking you..I am just throwing the question out there.) I find that most people write to tell what they don’t believe in…and never say what they do…or if you don’t believe in anything..then tell us what works for your marriage?
stephanieb says
Where in the world Trudi are you getting this “so-called” research of yours? If you are so offended by the articles on this website, then go find you a non-religious or athiest relationship website, since you say they are the majority of the population, assuming you are such an expert on the subject.
Trudi says
I never said I was offended. This article is asking a question and the responder chose to answer it. She didn’t have to, she could have diverted the question to a nonbeliever advice site. But if you want to be all-inclusive, you can’t answer a question in that manner. If someone asked you “How can I feed my children healthy food, possibly vegan/organic?” and the respondent writes an article about how she prefers to feed her children soul/comfort food… and continues to reference HER style of diet 18 times, well, what was even the point of taking on that reader’s question??? That’s what this article did. I’m sure whom ever asked the question wasn’t left satisfied, not in a way that they might have if the article focused on the question and not the writer’s personal way of life.
Kuade says
Ronnie is correct in that everyone needs to find what works for them and their relationship. The others are also correct in stating that the Bible has many different models of marriage outside of what we would consider acceptable today (rapist+victim, etc.).
I personally feel that in my marriage, our commitment to what we beleived God wanted for us was tearing us apart. It was putting an interpreted ideal before us as individuals.
It wasn’t until we both started to move away from the church and driving ourselves crazy trying to figure out exactly what god wanted for us; and started focusing on what made us a good spouse for one another that our marriage really started to flourish.
I’m not saying we have it figured out, but this new model outside of traditional Christian roles has been a great benefit to our life. The Bible has great teachings within its pages. It also teaches many atrocities. Same goes for the Koran and many other sacred writings that guide millions of other lives and marriages around the world.
If Christianity is only 2,000 years old, what did all those other marriages before it base their lives on?
As you stated, we all must find what works for us personally.
Maria M says
@ Ronnie, I sense you’re getting a little frustrated.
However, if you have a look at some of the comments on the facebook pages from fellow Christians you may be able to see why Atheists/agnostics can be a little (OK alot) defensive about the question: well what do you believe in or how do you get through a crises in your marriage? Some of the comments (the ones I thought were sane and not nasty or off-key) from Atheists or those that have seen marriage between non-believers have commented answering your question, like from Katina Davenport or Lauren Treadwell as well as some of the comments above like from Justin Bonaparte. However, at the end of the day, its your blog and you run it how you want, and select the writers you want and don’t worry about it.
Niambi says
If you don’t believe in God then that’s your choice. However, don’t bash other people who are believers. Instead provide your perspective of marriage. A believer will always reference God because that is their foundation. As for an atheist/non-believer, there is no need to bash the believers. Just share your tips on how you are successful in your marriage. I support Ronnie and Lamar because the advice that is given on this website is both helpful and balanced.
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