By Veronica Tetterton, Ph.D.
Many married couples have witnessed first-hand, the sharp descent from marital bliss to misery in the wake of the exchange of their wedding vows. What happens to the marriage after we say “I do?”
According to psychology research, life happens. We encounter new stressors of children, work, finances, all while trying to maintain our role obligation to our spouses. And let’s face it, we inevitably disappoint one another by failing to meet these expectations. Even couples who describe themselves as happily married would agree—marriage is painful work.
There are some married couples who experience deep relationship pain. For these couples, marital dissatisfaction levels are high, and discussions of separation emerge as viable means to regain personal fulfillment. Those, who are on the verge of divorce but endeavor to hang in there, often seek therapy in dire need of resuscitation measures to breathe new life into their marriage.
As a therapist for more than a decade, I find that the root cause for our marital dissatisfaction is quite often our focus. If you desire to breathe new life into your marriage, the first order of business is to shift your focus.
Here are five tips to shift your focus and resuscitate a lifeless marriage:
Shift from Present to the Past
This is probably the only time a mental health professional will instruct you to focus on the past. Most often, we are told the past is the problem, and we need to distance ourselves from it to enjoy our present life.
In the case of a lifeless marriage, these rules do not apply. We all married our spouses because we loved who they were and how they made us feel about ourselves.
In a lifeless marriage, there are only faint memories of who our spouses were. The traits of the person, whom we happily vowed to wed, are a distant memory because “this fool” that we are dealing with is another creature!
If we want to breathe life into our marriages, we will make a purposeful effort to remind ourselves of the qualities our spouses possess that we adore and love.
Action Step: Get a journal, and maintain a list of all of the qualities that made you fall in love with your spouse. Then remind yourself that these characteristics still belong to your spouse. In the midst of marital discord, we can all wears masks, but the core of the person you married remains intact.
Shift from the Enemy to the Partner
Is your spouse your enemy? This is a compelling thought that we often experience during marital discord, which tends to add gasoline to the fire.
It is easy to mistake your spouse for your enemy. After all, he or she is the one that is seemingly responsible for your dissatisfaction. While we tend to discount your own contributions to the marital discord, placing blame squarely on your spouse, the truth is we must shoulder some of the blame.
Chances are, we are engaging in a behavior, style of communication or presenting an attitude that can very well be maintaining the fire in our marriage.
Action Step: Stop finger pointing at each other, and point that finger at the true adversary. We are cleverly deceived by Satan, the true culprit of our turmoil when our focus remains on our spouses without consideration for the negative spiritual influences that seek to destroy our union. View your spouse as an allied partner in a fight against forces unseen in the spiritual realm.
Shift from the Battle to the Victory
The battles in your marriage are not imagined. They are real, and you probably have battle scars to prove it. Nevertheless, a mind that resonates on a battle can’t celebrate a victory. Resist the urge to marinate in the fumes of your battles, and actively look for a victory to celebrate.
Action Step: Celebrate small victories with gratitude to your partner and thanksgiving to God. Like others, you may believe that there are no victories to celebrate, but start small and generate a positive attitude along with a spirit of gratitude for the mundane. If your spouse speaks to you in the morning, start there, and build on that victory throughout the course of your day.
Shift from My Pain to Your Pain
In almost all cases, there are two people pained by strain of a lifeless marriage. Nevertheless, our focus tends to be our own pain and perspective. One of the best ways to distance yourself from your misery is to be compassionate about the suffering of someone else.
Action Step: Begin to explore your spouse’s perspective to gain an understanding of his/her pain. This may be particularly difficult to do initially as it may feel like you are going against the grain. Nevertheless, compassion leads to understanding and understanding is the gateway for forgiveness and reconciliation.
Shift from Spouse to God
Instead of maintaining a focus on the devilish traits of your spouse, shift our focus to God. This will require conscious effort on your part to monitor your thinking and interrupt the steady flow of negative commentary about your spouse with a prayer, praise or thanksgiving.
Action Step: Instead of meditating on what your spouse is not, remind yourself who your God is and what He alone can do! Open your Bible and find a scripture that you can memorize to be reminded of Gods power to do for your marriage what He did to Adam, breathe life into that which is lifeless.
In the 14 years that I have been married, I have battle tested these tips during some of the most challenging seasons of my marriage. I am certain that if you make effortful attempts to shift your focus using the methods outlined, you too will experience new life in your marriage.
Dr. Veronica Tetterton is a licensed clinical psychologist with more than a decade of experience in the mental health field. As a writer and public speaker, she effortlessly teaches people to overcome spiritual and personal strongholds, using psychological coping skills. She offers customized resources to assist people, who are crushed by the adversities of life, and help them further fight to reclaim their life, cultivate faith and pursue their destiny. Her website is drtetterton.comFollow her on Facebook: @drtetterton
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