After infidelity in our relationship and prior to making a decision to call it quits, I thought long and hard about what to do. Notice I did not say the “D” word! If you are like me, you have learned over the years the seeds you plant and nurture will take root and grow. Therefore, I have made it my business to intentionally not allow myself to even think, let alone verbalize the “D” word. If you discover that your spouse cheated in your relationship, divorce isn’t the only option.
Spouse Cheated? 30 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Calling It Quits
In this article:
- Thirty Questions to Ask Before Calling it Quits
- Why Question #30 is Such a Big Deal
- What You Should Do Next
The choice to dissolve a marriage isn’t one to be taken easily nor for granted either. While coaching clients over the years, it has been my observation that calling it quits comes after many months and often times many years of trying to make it work and weighing options.
When pondering this myself, I kept coming back to a commitment I made to myself for the benefit of honoring our marriage. I had to ask myself one major question along with several other important questions. Even though I’m not “Pro-Divorce,” there are certainly times when marriages need to consider certain questions too. Before crossing this bridge, I would like to encourage while empowering you to consider the following holistic questions to ask your spouse and yourself BEFORE calling it quits…
30 Questions to Ask Before Calling it Quits
- Why did we fall in love in the first place?
- Do you feel accepted by me?
- What are our main issues/
- Do you feel loved by me?
- Do you feel loved in the way you need and desire me to love you?
- Which issues are deal breakers?
- Do you feel able to communicate with me? Is our communication clear?
- Do you trust me? If not, how can I gain your trust back?
- Do we need to resolve past hurts? Do we need to resolve current hurts?
- What are your expectations of counseling? Should it be individually or as a couple?
- Why are we not in counseling? (OR) Is counseling producing results for us?
- Which issues are MOST important to who and why?
- Are you willing to change to make improvements?
- Which issues can we BOTH be flexible on?
- What bothers you most about me?
- Does either of us REALLY want to call it quits?
- What are the reasons you really want to work things out?
- How do you see the future?
- Are we merely going through a bad season in our marriage?
- Are you satisfied with our sex life and overall intimacy?
- In spite of the issue(s) do we overall enjoy each other and the marriage?
- What is truly within your control to change?
- How would you feel if your next five years were just like the last five?
- Am I really PREPARED to go through with this?
- Am I prepared to keep my emotions out of the divorce process?
- If I go through with this, will I be able to maintain my lifestyle?
- How do I pay my expenses during the divorce process?
- Will I try to move on from the divorce and not see myself as a victim?
- Can my partner and I try to honor our marriage and the memories we share?
Last but certainly not least…
- Have WE EXHAUSTED EVERY OPTION?!?
The Importance of Question #30
This question to me is the MAJOR question because before I dared to call it quits in my own marriage, I would say “Da-Nay have you REALLY exhausted EVERY single option?” See, it was important to me, regardless of my emotions (be careful not make major decisions while under the influence of emotions) to have a clear conscience and be able to sit with myself at the end of the day knowing that I did EVERYTHING within my control for the sake of our marriage.
Sure, I wanted to have a clear conscience and not be burdened by guilt. But I always felt this was a way of honoring our marriage whether my husband felt like it or not, or whether I did not find my husband worthy at times. I knew the vow I had taken and it was my “duty” to take it seriously. I can say I’m so glad that I did!
Having been through all of the above, it has truly taught my husband and me the value of being as proactive vs. reactive as possible. We’ve seen this value manifest through the “golden nuggets” communicated between one another that set each other, and our marriage, up for success.
What You Should Do Next
After going through, and maybe even before these questions, you probably know each other better than anyone else. By asking the above questions it gives you and your spouse the unique opportunity to create significant awareness about yourselves that you both may desire to work on, amend, or completely change in your marriage.
The best part is that it could very well save your marriage! Both spouses are likely to share critical information the other needed to hear in order to feel wholeheartedly led to show up and put some genuine effort into the marriage. In short, don’t process what you ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ done differently after your spouse has called it quits. Do it NOW to MAKE a REAL difference and to limit regrets.
BMWK, have you asked all the right questions to give your marriage a chance after infidelity?
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Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on February 26, 2018. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.
My husband and I are in the divorce process, which begin in Sept. 2017. He filed. after a big verbal (ONLY) altercation. We disagreed on a situation, and I felt he was not supporting me during a very very difficult time in my life, and that he handled a situation leading to the altercation very poorly which could have end up very traumatic because of how he handled it. I though my husband’s actions towards the situation were PURE EVIL., he was very angry and I guess even more hurt that I would not side with him in the matter. I asked a question which he did not like and he came out swinging (not literally) and because his response.was so heated I immediately became angry and defensive. The police had even come to our home, where I sat calmly, while my husband was screaming in rage. The officers who had come even asked me if my husband was on drugs.
When he gets angry, he is completely our of control. (never physical) but very very verbally abusive. You are liable to hear anything come out of his mouth. The worse thing yet that he has said about me is ” I hate you and have hated you for years and wish that you would drop dead.” That was a dagger through my heart as I was preparing to leave for church. and he even repeated it. I couldn’t focus on anything else but those words, and this was in response to my not agreeing to sign contract to put our home on the market. Which he had already known I was not agreeing to for months. I told him that if he decides to leave I wanted to stay in our home and would buy him out. He refused my offer, as he had a different amount in mind. Our attorney’s both had appraisal done and the difference in the results were $40,000. He was and is adamant he wants half of what his appraiser valued home for. I am at the point where I don’t care if I stay in the home or have to leave, which has never been that important. I just want my husband and my marriage. I saw us drifting apart some time ago. When I tried to talk about it, his response was always a hug, smile and “were going to be alright” I asked can we go for counseling, he refused. I bought books and tapes he refused to read or watch. No Investment in our marriage. and it hurts like hell.
This is a great post. I truly enjoyed. My thoughts exactly regarding infidelity. Prior to getting married I would simply call it quits. However, now that I am married it’s really not as easy I would like to think, how to address infidelity. I would not want to react out of angry, and end up making the wrong decision. I have way too much to loose. It requires a lot of thinking and communicating on both ends how to proceed with the relationships. I would have to ask my self those questions, and I already had in the event.. This is why ongoing communication, and remaining connected with your spouse is very important as it can help alleviate some of the concerns, and problems that may arise in relationships. Staying connected, ensuring that both partners are in in tuned with each other’s needs and desires.