A reader sent in this post to speak her truth in light of the recent sexual abuse scandals that are monopolizing the headlines and wanted to share her own story. Please leave some words of encouragement in the comments if you are so moved:
You’ve more than likely heard about the sexual scandals that have occurred at Penn State University and Syracuse University. You’re probably aware of similar happenings a few years ago in the Catholic church. Chances are you’ve watched To Catch a Predator. You’ve formed your opinion, you’ve discussed it with family and friends, and what did you do after that? You probably are wondering, “What else could I have done?” It’s time to speak up and fight back.
It’s called molestation, sexual harassment, sexual abuse, rape, sodomy, and incest. It keeps happening and the statistics are frightening. According to the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN):
- 44% of victims are under age 18
- 29% of victims are age 12-17
- 15% of victims are under age 12
- 93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker
- 34.2% of attackers of juvenile sexual assault victims were family members
- 58.7% of attackers of juvenile sexual assault victims were acquaintances
- 7% of attacks of juvenile sexual assault victims were strangers
Alarmed yet? Concerned? Afraid? You should be. These statistics are absolutely unacceptable. But what’s being done about it? There are adults who are aware of these attacks and choose to remain silent, sleeping soundly at night while a child is going through absolute pain and torture. Disgusted? I certainly am. So what are we going to do about it?
Look for signs: There are some victims who are too afraid to admit something has happened to them. They were either threatened by their attacker or they assume no one will believe them. However, you can usually tell something is wrong by looking for a few warning signs, such as changes in eating habits, poor sleeping patterns, distracted and distant, mood swings, sexual acts portrayed through art, unexplained fear, self injury, and more. Obviously, these signs don’t always point towards sexual abuse, but they’re an indicator that something is wrong and should spark a conversation expressing your concern.
Listen and believe: For those who are brave enough to speak up about something that has happened, you need to listen and believe them. Get the facts, listen to their story, don’t deny them. The feelings are magnified when something happens to you and no one believes you. People are so concerned with asking “Are you sure?” and “Do you know what you’re saying?” and not quick enough to take action. For some children, sure, you have to be absolutely sure they know what they’re talking about. However, in many cases, what does the child have to gain for lying about something so serious?
Seek justice immediately: For many, I know it’s hard to contain yourself when you witness or learn about such an injustice. You may want to take matters into your own hands, confronting the predator, and possibly going overboard. Seek justice right away! Go to the authorities, ensure the child is removed from the situation, and get help! What’s so frustrating about the Penn State scandal is that several people were aware of the situation and did nothing. The children were repeatedly violated and no one helped them. Don’t wait around!
Be someone the child can truly trust: The men at these universities abused their position of power and lured the kids in with false trust. Be someone the child can really trust. It’s not just the parents’ job to protect their children. We should all assume a responsibility for a child we know or that is in our presence. If you witness an act and do nothing about it, don’t listen or believe the child, or don’t seek justice, you are another adult who has let this young person down. Again, most abusers know the child. Be open and available for the victim to come to in a time of need.
I was molested by my stepbrother from the age of 11 to the age of 13. My stepmother (his mother) walked in once and witnessed what was going on and did nothing. I wrote a letter to my stepbrother begging him to stop, and my father found it and blamed me, and called me a whore. He told my mother and stepfather that I was tempting my stepbrother, which was not the case at all. I figured if two parents didn’t believe me, the other two wouldn’t either. I confided in friends, and it quickly turned into a nasty rumor around school. No one saw the signs, my parents didn’t believe me, justice wasn’t served and no one proved trustworthy.
The abuse deeply affected my life, sending me into a downward spiral of depression, promiscuity, and suicidal thoughts. It could have been a lot worse, but thankfully I rose above it. I look back and wish I had someone else to help me, which is why I’m so passionate about helping victims. I hope after reading this, you’ll feel more compelled to protect a child crying out for help, whether they tell you blatantly what happened or not. Make a difference and be the trusting, helpful adult.
Thank you for your courage to share. This is a great reminder for us all, particularly in our community especially “Listen and Believe”. As someone who has worked with children, youth and families for years, I am always disheartened by parents and/or other adults who do not believe our young people because they “just want attention, they are always lying, etc.” The reality is even if a child or young person is alleging sexual abuse that is untrue, that alone signals a need for intervention of some sort and should not be taken lightly. I pray that you continue on a healing path and find comfort in knowing that you have helped someone today as a result of your sharing.
You bring up such a great point. Even if the young person is not telling the truth about the abuse, this is a huge cry out for help. Something is going on one way or another. I hope more parents and adults in general realize this.
God Bless you for sharing this story. It does take a village-I just hope the village stands up before this national problem gets better and not worse.
I too thanks for sharing your story. In light of the recent allegations of assault, I just started talking to my 4y/o about what to do if someone tries or touches him inappropriately. It’s sad that I have to have this conversation at such an early age, but you can never be to cautious. Being that he goes to preschool and camp during the summer, he is around a number of different people. I realized when talking to him that we..HIS PARENTS are the ones that he should trust whole-heartly because a teacher “may” be the predator. We told him to shout, run, and call us immediately. We also told him that we WOULD take care of the problem and to NOT be afraid or ashamed. Don’t know how much is understood, but it is a beginning!
That is the same age I begun the conversation with my daughter. Being a survivor of sexual abuse myself-I know that one of the first steps is dialogue with your children.
It is sad that you have to have the conversation with your baby at such an early age, but YOU MUST. My sister and I were violated before we ever made it to kindergarten.
Thank you too..This is one of the reasons I have always called my children’s body parts by their appropriate names. I never wanted them to think their body is something to be ashamed of and available to someone they don’t allow(at an older age of course). I talk to them even when they want me to shut up. I decided you need to hear this now so you can be better prepared in a situation to know it’s not okay, we’re here and it’s another reason I don’t allow many sleepovers or total access to my children. Being in the military (both parents) you are expected to trust people just because with your children for your career..I don’t agree and I will be retiring this upcoming summer and my husband at the end of next year..they have to be under our guard. We need to listen!
Hi Keisha,
You bring up an interesting fact. I vividly remember a conversation with a friend whose sister was an ER doctor tell me it’s very important to use the correct anatomy parts on your child’s body. I didn’t understand why until she explained to me that a molester will not want to mess with a child who knows that it’s called a vagina or penis it basically shows the person who trying to hurt the child that this child’s parents talks to them alot and that’s not something they want to even try.
Thank you so much for your courage. In addition to the vigilance of parents and other adults, it will also take more people like you to be willing to talk about the abuse so that children learn that they should not be ashamed to tell if they have been victims. As we saw with the case at Penn State, this abuse was able to continue because of the silence surrounding it. So often when one victim of an abuser speaks out, many others see the courage of one victim and start to come forward. I believe that the victims who are willing to break their silence will be instrumental in helping stop these heinous crimes against children.
This post means so much for me. I went through a similar situation with my step father and like you I was made to be the offender. I think what you said about being someone the child can trust and listening to them FIRST, is so key. It always saddens my heart to hear others with similar stories. Sexual abuse happens more often than many know. I pray many people will read this and feel called to action. I will also be praying for you and your family.
NY Times Best-Selling Author Cec Murphey, author who wrote “90 Minutes In Heaven” and “Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story” was also molested as a child. He spoke about it on my blog…https://www.afterthealtarcall.com/2011/11/16/pedophiles-are-all-around-us/