by Eric Payne
Not long ago I had the opportunity to speak to a former coworker of mine named Andrew. He is a dynamic individual who in his spare time conducts workshops for young teens, ages 11-19, about financial literacy, male and female etiquette, leadership styles and skills, and HIV/AIDS Awareness. He’s an individual who in his own words came from nothing, overcoming street gangs, violence, prison and even a near death experience to become a mentor and motivational speaker. His story is a truly an amazing and inspired one.
According to Andrew, “Your child wants you to talk with him about sex. And you HAVE to have that talk.” It is critical to get everyone comfortable with one another so that the conversations can be had, understood and accepted NOW and not later in hindsight as an adult. The context of this talk is up to you. Of course we don’t want our children to engage in sexual activity based on our beliefs and maybe even based on mistakes we’ve made along the way. And the prevalence of teen pregnancy, the preponderance of single motherhood resulting from it and the subsequent direct link to poverty can’t be statistically ignored or denied. For any and all the reasons we don’t want our children to engage in this activity they need to be shared via a two-way conversation with your child: one that leaves the thought/fear-realm of your mind and exits your mouth. Then you have to use your ears to listen to your kid(s) so they feel comfortable enough to truly share.
Andrew also shared 3 simple tactics to get a handle on your developing child and engage them in conversations about sex, abuse and anything else for that matter.
- Be your child’s friend on the social networks they participate in (that is if you allow them to at all). Do this no matter how much neither of you might not want this do this. These sites will give you clear insight into their friendships, influences and the conversations they’re having out of your presence.
- Listen to the music they’re listening to. Yes, as parents we’d all like to believe that the music choices in our homes and on our iPod playlists are the only ones our kids are listening to, but this isn’t true. Music has been making the world go round for generations, inspiring each one for better or worse. Best believe it has the power to influence your child. Especially in today’s media- and tech-driven society.
- Set up designated one-on-one time for just you and your child. This can happen once (or twice) a week or month, or however much your schedules allow. Father-Son Day, Dad & Daughter Day, Mother-Daughter Day, etc. No different than you would if you were someone’s mentor or Big Brother/Big Sister. Eventually, they’ll look forward to it and begin opening up more.
These are just three steps to opening the lines of communication with your children. In light of the recent New York Times article about sexting the dangers of not knowing who your child is behind closed doors and them not knowing they can come to talk to you can create disastrous, life-altering results.
BMWK, what do you do to keep an open line with your children about sex and other difficult subjects?
Follow Eric on Facebook and Twitter. He has written the articles Investing In An Emotional Letdown and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He keeps it candid about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
“Then you have to use your ears to listen to your kid(s) so they feel comfortable enough to truly share.”
Thanks so much for saying this Eric. I think the key is that the topic of sex needs to be an ongoing conversation, not just a one time speech. I think often as parents it’s a lot easier just to say “don’t have sex and here’s why” and leave it at that. We have to be open to listening to our kids and maybe occasionally hearing things we don’t want to hear in order to keep those communication lines open. The truth is that kids are going to get information about sex from somewhere and I would much rather relay that info myself than rely on television, music and their friends to teach it to them.
EPayne says
The pastor at a church I used to attend said, we teach our children here so they don’t learn from the world. Whatever your stance it needs to be shared in a healthy environment rather than a distilled, “you do this because I said so”. I’m all about abstinence but I have a laundry list of reasons why starting at the bible and then just everyday real life examples. But it’s never a fire and brimstone speech — or at least I’ve learned and know from my own experience as a child that they don’t work.
TheMrs says
We’ve had age appropriate sex talks with our kids since they were toddlers. I made sure to teach them the proper names for their body parts as well as tell them some of the other names that people used for them (ie breasts are also called boobs, tits, rack). I did the period talk when I first noticed breasts on my now 12 yr old…I went as far as to teach her how to put on a pad and proper disposal and clean up if necessary. I had a lot of naysayers over this because they felt I was forcing them to grow up too fast but it paid off in the long run…on Christmas Eve I was doing some last minute prep for the holiday with my mom when my daughter called me and asked me if I moved the pads, I got home to find that she had followed all of my directions and only forgot one thing…pads don’t get flushed!!! Both my husband and I engage in conversations with our boys and girls so that they can also get a feel of what the other sex thinks about the same topic and we open the floor for any questions. So far so good, our 12 yr old openly talks to both of us about boys, her feelings, and asks when is it ok to do certain things.
Rubygriffin36 says
Rising my children’s was such a outgoing task,cause everyday something was going on different in their mind, about their bodies,that they was checking each other out,some body parts was developing ,sooner then the other sibling body part…that i was in a constant war zone,between gender,talking about personal hygiene, boys,girls,dating,safe sex,being touch in the wrong place,if do tell somebody,if not comfortable talking to me,i have been reiterate myself as long,as i can remember,talking to my children’s about sex,and about respecting themselves,as early as their understanding…When my daughters,ask me where baby come from,i believe if they was big enough to ask,they was big enough to know…so i took them to a health unit,to watch a film about child birth…that was so scary for me as it was for them,cause their face expression was so ghastly,and my boys,i just brought them some sample picture of different type of std…they reply oh! mom,that gross…