by Denise Anderson
I posted the following as my status on Facebook yesterday:
Marriage was not designed to make you happy, satisfied, or whole. If you go into it for any of the aforementioned reasons, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Some of my friends asked me to expound, so I guess I’ll take a stab at it here.
First let me preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to be an expert on marriage. My husband and I have been married a little under four years and we’re still learning a lot of things about being married. If you want expert advice, talk to someone who’s been at this for decades (and let me listen in). I can only share what I’ve learned so far. Further, I assure you that, despite the tone of this post, I really love being married. However, I don’t want people to be delusional about what marriage is or is not. So let me share with you what marriage cannot do.
Marriage cannot make you happy.
I think it’s safe to say that many people who want to be married think that marriage will make them happy, but I maintain that’s just not true. We’ve all grown up with the fairy tales where the princess finds a prince, gets married, and lives “happily ever after.” Simply put, nothing can “make” you happy. Absolutely nothing. Happiness is a personal choice and is not contingent upon one’s circumstances. There are plenty of happy poor folks and miserable millionaires. If you aren’t happy before marriage, chances are you won’t be happy in it. And unfortunately, a lot of people get dejected when they enter a marriage and realize they’re not as happy as they thought they’d be. Learn to be happy independent of outside influences.
Marriage does not equal satisfaction.
Let me be clear: you will not be completely satisfied in your marriage 100% of the time. You’re talking about two people who were raised by different mothers, were taught different standards, and somehow decided it would be a good idea to join together and become a unit. But because they are still two very distinct people, clashes naturally arise when expectations don’t align with reality. He has different ideas about cleaning than you do. She has different ideas about money than you do. You both thought sex would be more plentiful than it currently is. Somebody is going to be disappointed occasionally.
There is not a single person on earth who can completely live up to your expectations because all of us fall short. Whomever you marry will likely disappoint you, and I’m sure you won’t do much better. And don’t think you can change the things you don’t like about him or her. That’s a dead-end road, and even if you did “fix” those things, chances are you’d only find more things later that need to be “fixed.” Go into a marriage expecting the other person to fall short (within reason) and decide preemptively to extend some grace when they do.
Marriage cannot make you whole.
Everyone wants to feel complete, whether it’s in their careers or their personal lives. They somehow don’t feel like they can sit back, relax, and enjoy life until they have something they’ve always wanted. Sadly, plenty of people put their happiness on hold for some hypothetical day in the future when they have everything they want, including a marriage and family. If partial contentment is your status quo and the way you live your life, I can guarantee you that once you do obtain the things you think you want, you’ll find a reason not to be happy with them. Something will always be out of place.
Oh and another thing”… do NOT go into a marriage expecting your spouse to make you better, fix your hurts from your past, or give you everything you ever thought you’d need. Only God can do that. Please, if you have personal issues that you’re aware of, work on them before you get married or you will sabotage yourself. Your spouse is not your therapist or your fairy godparent.
So, why get married in the first place?
Well, only you can answer that. But I can tell you one indispensible prerequisite for a successful marriage: be prepared to work. Marriage is beautiful, blessed, and sacred, but it’s not for punks. They say it takes work, but I say it more than requires work “” it is work personified. It is a full-time job requiring a lot of spiritual, mental, and emotional strength. When you hear the words “for better or for worse,” imagine what the “worse” could possibly look like and honestly ask yourself if you have the wherewithal to thrive in those situations. If you don’t have it, that’s fine. There are far worse fates in life than to live it as a single person. But if you feel you have the fortitude to fully submit to another person until one of you leaves this earth, by all means go for it.
There is honestly no nobler thing than to dedicate your life to someone other than yourself, which is essentially what marriage is. You have to have the heart of a servant to do this thing correctly. Can you still fix him a plate even after he’s thoroughly pissed you off? Would you still put gas in her car for work tomorrow even after she’s stepped all over your ego? After days of fighting and arguing, can you still muster the humility to pray for one another? These are the types of things successfully married people do. In this job, you don’t clock out just because you’re not “feeling it.” That’s a hard thing for people to understand in a culture of selfishness, but it is what it is. Strong marriages are comprised of strong people, so you must ask yourself before you get to the altar, “Am I strong enough?”
Read Part II: What Marriage Was Designed For Here
Denise is a wife, mother, professional web designer, and minister-in-training living in the D.C. area. Check out her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back.
EPayne says
Very candid. Very real. Very on-point. Very good! I’m sure this post is going to keep people on their toes on a Friday. This is incredibly thought provoking because it is so obvious, but folks in the married lane don’t want to accept or even acknowledge truths like this. Thanks for shedding some light.
Just checked out your blog and that’s on point too. Be well. Be blessed.
VSG says
Although you’ve only been married a little under four years, you speak with a lot of wisdom and your words speak volume. I married sept 5, 2009 and july 28, 2010 my husband left for the 6th and final time. He words when he left..I’ll never put you before my son or my mom…I married you to make me happy. This aint working. When someone marries to be fulfilled by another person, it isn’t fair nor will it work. You hit the nail dead on the head by your comment..”Thats a hard thing for people to understand in a culture of selfishness, but it is what it is. Strong marriages are comprised of strong people, so you must ask yourself before you get to the altar, “Am I strong enough?â€
This was my first marrigae. I’m now divorced after 10mos of marriage. Not sure I’ll ever try it again with having the scars I have of giving giving giving and it NEVER being reciprocated. I am always praying for others and their marriages to maintain because I HATE Divorce and Separation, just as our Lord and Savior does.
Tiesha Thomas says
Don’t give up on love because this marriage went sour. I’ve only been married since May 29 2007 and I am only 23…. however I can tell you that if you wait on the Lord He WILL send you your partner. God has already created your life partner just wait on the Lord and He will reveal him to you. Before I married my husband I really started praying that God would make me whole and prepare me for my future husband I also started watching the Juanita Bynum’s sermon “No More Sheets” I can say that sermon truly changed my life and opened my eyes. Don’t give up on love just yet.
Spoiled1 says
Thanks for posting this! I saw No More Sheets about a month ago and like you it changed my life. Most of it for me was just confirmation, but profound nonetheless. Often times we do move out of season and get ahead of God instead of waiting.The bible talks about those that wait. I am learning to wait and be processed at the same time. I’m excited about who God has for me! Thanks again.
Minister Rhonda says
Sister your point is well taken concerning marriage, however, I disagree with several of the points you make. First and foremost there should have been a development of self, oneness in each person through God long before the marriage is a throught . If a marriage is going to be successful, it has to operate on bible principles. People get married for many reasons, good and bad. But if God ordained it, there would be a lot less divorces. The bible tells us, when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing. Once he believes the woman he chose was from God, and they both agree, then before there can be a marriage, there should be premarital classes taken where bible principle are shared, and there is a full understanding of what unconditional love really means. If there is no foundation builded on the Word of God through Jesus, then they will go into the marriage with unrealistic goals. There by disappointments, and hurts becomes the foundation. Then when trials, and tribulations comes, strife shows up, and all hell breaks loose. It is possible to have a Marriage Made In Heaven. It takes two people, male and female who are both saved, bible believer that pray together, and for each other. Yes, the devil will try to sift them like wheat, because he hates marriages, he knows how much power they have when they get on oneness accord. When Jesus is in the center of that ring, the marriage won’t fail. I’ve been married for 20 years, and no, it did not start off harmonious, because God was not in it. Now, we believe we have a marriage made in Heaven because it’s not about what he can do for me or what I can do for him. It’s because we took a vow, and that’s a contrast that is not to be broken. Yes, work is needed to better a marriage, but it’s no toil. Words have life, so, the question is, what are couples speaking into, and about their marriages that brings the results their getting. Life and death are in the power of the tongue.
With Love, Minister Rhonda.
Msperc says
There must be a total commitment by both persons in order for this to work. I met my ex-wife in Church, I was committed to making it work. We went to pre-marital counseling, I held position in the Church, however, after about 1 1/2 yrs into the marriage…all kinds of untruths surfaced…one after the other. Still, I stayed…told her & her daughter (i was a step-dad) that I loved them, was in it & wanted it to work. We went to Christian Counseling, as well as the more psychological based counseling…still the lies just kept on coming…lies that were told before we were married presented themselves. I asked her…”what is it about me that causes u to lie to me”…”she told me” that she thought I spoke down to her…even though I disagreed somewhat, I said ok, well, even though I may not agree…obviously it causes u to feel this way, so I will change my communication method/style to u. I did that, however, she did not move or change her ways. The lies just kept coming, tension mounted w/my step daughter. Then, at one of the counseling sessions…she said something to me that just hurt & cut to the bone of my existence, it was a the point..I said to the counselor, this is over…I m divorcing her. Funny thing is…she did not even fight to stay in this marriage. I was doing all of the fighting…I was up against both her & her daughter & I only wanted the best for her in all the decisions that were made. We had many conversations about my role in here life, prior to the marriage.
So, I even agonized about this divorce for about 3 years afterward because of what the Bible says regarding marriage. Then I learned of a something that she & her daughter did…& this was the confirmation that I had made the right decision.
I also know that God does not like abuse…I was being abused mentally, emotionally…which is sure death after a while. I had gone to my Dr. for a checkup, he told me my cholesterol was up, my hair was graying fast & that I had to be careful. Now, I have been a health nut for many years, never had a high cholesterol reading, so this was shocking news to me. U see, I was internalizing all of this stuff & did not know it was affecting me like this.
I m now re-married, we r doing fine, however, it was 12 years before I did so. During that time, I made sure that I looked at me, looked in the mirror, did what I had to do to stay emotionally healthy & stayed in Church. So, I guess the moral of my story is: There must be a total committment by both persons for a marriage to work, whether it is Biblically based or not.
I have friends who are not Church goers, however, they believe in God. There marriages are solid, as I have known them for years, because they have made a committment to do so & they love each other.
Even as a Christian, I do not think that we should “throw people under the bus”, so to speak, if they are not rooted in the Word. Why? Because its not up to us as humans to do this. “Let He Who Has Not Sinned Cast The First Stone”
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Aina Olukayode says
Excellent sharing. Certainly inspiring for those who have been divorced and hoping for the committed love of another marriage.
Msperc says
There must be a total commitment by both persons in order for this to work. I met my ex-wife in Church, I was committed to making it work. We went to pre-marital counseling, I held position in the Church, however, after about 1 1/2 yrs into the marriage…all kinds of untruths surfaced…one after the other. Still, I stayed…told her & her daughter (i was a step-dad) that I loved them, was in it & wanted it to work. We went to Christian Counseling, as well as the more psychological based counseling…still the lies just kept on coming…lies that were told before we were married presented themselves. I asked her…”what is it about me that causes u to lie to me”…”she told me” that she thought I spoke down to her…even though I disagreed somewhat, I said ok, well, even though I may not agree…obviously it causes u to feel this way, so I will change my communication method/style to u. I did that, however, she did not move or change her ways. The lies just kept coming, tension mounted w/my step daughter. Then, at one of the counseling sessions…she said something to me that just hurt & cut to the bone of my existence, it was a the point..I said to the counselor, this is over…I m divorcing her. Funny thing is…she did not even fight to stay in this marriage. I was doing all of the fighting…I was up against both her & her daughter & I only wanted the best for her in all the decisions that were made. We had many conversations about my role in here life, prior to the marriage.
So, I even agonized about this divorce for about 3 years afterward because of what the Bible says regarding marriage. Then I learned of a something that she & her daughter did…& this was the confirmation that I had made the right decision.
I also know that God does not like abuse…I was being abused mentally, emotionally…which is sure death after a while. I had gone to my Dr. for a checkup, he told me my cholesterol was up, my hair was graying fast & that I had to be careful. Now, I have been a health nut for many years, never had a high cholesterol reading, so this was shocking news to me. U see, I was internalizing all of this stuff & did not know it was affecting me like this.
I m now re-married, we r doing fine, however, it was 12 years before I did so. During that time, I made sure that I looked at me, looked in the mirror, did what I had to do to stay emotionally healthy & stayed in Church. So, I guess the moral of my story is: There must be a total committment by both persons for a marriage to work, whether it is Biblically based or not.
I have friends who are not Church goers, however, they believe in God. There marriages are solid, as I have known them for years, because they have made a committment to do so & they love each other.
Even as a Christian, I do not think that we should “throw people under the bus”, so to speak, if they are not rooted in the Word. Why? Because its not up to us as humans to do this. “Let He Who Has Not Sinned Cast The First Stone”
.
Mylissa128PreachersKid says
This article is one person’s insight. Because you do not agree does not make her wrong or her points any less valid.
Not everyone is of the Christian faith who may read this, so when reading your particular reply, they may take offense. Do I personally take offense? No. I am also a Christian. However, I still don’t agree with all of your points and your tone of trying to deter the authors ideals.
Just a bit of information for you, there is a Pastor back in my home town and he and his wife have a few beautiful children, they have a successful ministry and have been highly respected in the community. They were married in the church, went through years of dating and counseling as well before getting married. After their oldest son became of school age, this Pastor decides he wants to sleep with men! He’s been caught with men at hotels, has online accounts where he can meet men, has been caught with men who are also church members and also was caught in the church with a woman all in sexual engagements. Just because God is SPOKEN and God is asked for a blessing doesn’t mean you will always get that because some things simply aren’t meant to be! You cannot make a marriage something it is not. The spouse of this Pastor, has remained with him because of their children and she said he will change yet his behavior is only progressing. She is a beautiful woman, beautiful spirit as well but you cannot tell me that GOD blessed that marriage! Sometimes we need to be realistic about what is right and wrong. God also gave us common sense and this article above to me is based on common sense and her experience. She stated she was not an expert but was giving her opinion from experience.
I see no harm in that. She also mentioned that it takes God alone in some situations.
Smwillia21 says
You hit the nail on the head with this one.
The X-Genome says
I understand your point sister Rhonda…however, I think that the author reflects what your stated concerns are; its a matter of perhaps re-visiting what the author said? Marriage is what it is-and it can be related to anything in life.
A person can be married to themselves, to others, things, etc. It’s all about the ‘C’ word-Committment. You can have “GOD” in your life-you should already before you get married to anyone-so that’s not it-God has nothing to do with a person taking a vow to marry someone under his name (Jesus). People should understand that the ‘scriptures’ are what they are and the “Word” is not liturgical the bible is a book of records kept historically doing the age of the rise of Christianity!
The only sacredness that these books hold is that their texts are ancient from a time long ago pre-modern era or BCE (before the common or christian era). So, it would behoove people to stop trying to intergrate scriptures into a matter that is NATURE. Know self and you will know others and relationships will no longer become part of a GUESSING game and riding on a ray of HOPE!
‘The X-Genome’
Alp2715 says
I know a woman who stills says to this day, even after her divorce, that God ordained her marriage; however, God is not a dictator. HE may have ordained it, but we as fleshly being corrupt outr ordained promises each day when we fall to sin.
Anonymous says
Good post – I echo EPayne’s comments, not everyone is going to agree with you on this, but your comments are very on point. There is a book out by Gary Thomas called Sacred Marriage that addresses this very topic. The question of the subtitle says it all, “What if God designed marriage to make us Holy and not Happy?”. Great post – it is a blessing!
Roderick says
got to check this book out for real…
MyOwnPace says
I have read this book…it is the best “book” on marriage I’ve read up to this point…(been married 8 years) Not sure everyone is willing to accept this perspective but it changed my life…
MyOwnPace says
I have read this book…it is the best “book” on marriage I’ve read up to this point…(been married 8 years) Not sure everyone is willing to accept this perspective but it changed my life…
Carter Anderson says
Amazing post. Very good read. This is going to be an important read for many folks.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Awesome Post Denise and so very true!!!!
Jonesi says
Wow! Can’t find anything else to say other than I’m printing this out and taping it to my positivity wall (yes, instead of a dream board I paste little notes on a door in our spare bedroom with positive affirmations and such…). Extremely well written slap-in-the-face-reality-check of encouragement.
I have several newly engaged friends that will be receiving this as an engagement gift. In my first year I would have deemed this as negative. But for those who’ve come to accept marriage for what it is, there’s nothing negative about this post. I actually find this extremely positive! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Adarden0239 says
Goin in all my rooms on the wall
Michael Brown says
EXCELLENT!!!! Could not have said it better!
Lovebabz says
I think this is a good attempt at getting to the heart of the matter about what marriage is. I think we all have to have a reality check and get our minds out of the fairy tales. I am a huge fan of fairy tales…the possibility of love conquering all is not only very real but possible. However the reality is, until we come to grips with our inner turmoil and and mess, then we are going to cart that drama around…even down the aisle. I do believe can make you happy…”make” in the sense that it adds to the joy of life and living. But here’s the deal you have to already know joy, love, peace, in order to live in it and accept it. I think this is the heart of the post. I’d like to see more discussion and thoughts on this. We need it in our communities!
Onedestiny777 says
The writer is right. Marriage will NOT make you happy. In fact, so days it will may you quite mad. Try to re-read the article and see it for the reality she is attempting to impart. You can like fairy tales all day long, but they are not marriage. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a wife, but I had twisted views back in the day like many other women. It took a lot of reality checking, praying, counseling sessions (yes, I had issues that required counseling. I’m black and can admit I went to counseling) prior ot marriage for me to be the person I am today. My husband and I have a very healthy relationship and work on it daily. I only say this to you because even after reading this very spot on article you still say you thingk marriage CAN make you happy. It can bring joy, which is solid and from God, but marriage can not bring you happiness. That’s something you have to choose to give yourself on a day by day, minute by minute basis. Just my view point…
KBisme says
Wonderful article – especially the closing paragraph! I found myself nodding in agreement throughout the entire read.
Kitty 76 says
This article was a true eye opener and really made me think differently. Very well written and simplistic in explanation. Now I have the right mindset to make my relationship great with my husband !!! Thanks !!!
FaRon O. Law says
Wow, Wow, Wow, one must be in it, to win it, through the good, bad and the ugly. As previously stated marriage is not for punks, it’s for Grown Mature Folks. Children and the immature folks need not apply…..
Mrs. D says
Ah, Denise, minister in training? I think you ministered that thing girl. What a great post full of the absolute truth. I have been married for almost 21 years now and you are right, marriage is not designed to make you happy and it is not for “punks”. It is a partnership where you agree to journey through life with this other person. Wow, this post was great and refreshing to hear from someone four years into marriage.
MzDThatMe says
OMGoodness, kudos to your candor…! Your opinion and thoughts were expressed so clear and passionately. So honest…! And as a wife, I’ma put on my Sunday Best, including my wide brimmed hat cocked to the side and shout a hearty: SAY THAT SIS…! YOU BETTAH PREACH…!!! ALRIGHT NOW…!!! HA…!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS…!!! THANK-YA’…!!! GLORRRRRRRR-EEE…!!! HALLELUJAH…!!!
The Doors of the Church Are Open… Pass the Offering Plate… And Let The Church Say… Amennnnnn…
I’m just sayin’…
Juicy J says
Excellent, excellent post!! This should be handed to couples when they get engaged!
Juicy J says
Excellent, excellent post!! This should be handed to couples when they get engaged!
Sanaka11 says
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! These are the discussions that married couples and the newly engaged should have. If it were possible I’d pass your article out to every couple that I knew. I’ve been married 18 years and I always knew that it was work, but now that we’ve reached the worse of the “for better or worse”, I couldn’t agree more. I totally agree with Mrs. D that this is a partnership with your spouse, that you promised God you’d fulfill until death. There are way too many people giving up, walking away and throwing in the towel all in the name of not being “happy”.
Vanessa Crawford says
Truer words have never been written. Very thought provoking post.
Deebs says
This is awesome!
Steph says
Wow, great post! My friend who recently got married has similar sentiments. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. I like what you say better…”Marriage is Not for Punks!” I should get a t-shirt with that on it! Seriously though, great read. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Divyel says
This comment – and the entire article is confirmation that people have bought into the idea that life is HARD! I believe you create whatever you feel is truth. – I believe if you are sooo happy with yourself, then you will wait and attract the right person. Every relationship takes a certain amount of compromise, but “faint of heart”- sounds like war. Life is short- I think people force themselves to get married because we are conditioned that way.
Well- this is only my opinion. I’d rather have a soulmate- then a badge of honor that says- I’ve been married for x amount of years! YUKE!
Divyel says
This comment – and the entire article is confirmation that people have bought into the idea that life is HARD! I believe you create whatever you feel is truth. – I believe if you are sooo happy with yourself, then you will wait and attract the right person. Every relationship takes a certain amount of compromise, but “faint of heart”- sounds like war. Life is short- I think people force themselves to get married because we are conditioned that way.
Well- this is only my opinion. I’d rather have a soulmate- then a badge of honor that says- I’ve been married for x amount of years! YUKE!
Qcarter says
Yessir – you were right on the money hunny! Thanks for telling the truth about it – it will bless a lot of people 🙂
L says
Great article! Pretty consistent with my Pastor’s Bible Study from two days ago.
Reggie Williams says
I am so glad that your friends ask that you expound upon your FB post because had they not we would not have become the benefactors of such a wonderful and accurate post. Denise you hit a home run, scored a 100 yard touchdown, slammed dunked over several defenders and shot a hole in one on a par 3. “Pen on Fire.”
Life changing post for many people. Continue to let God use you.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Blaquethai says
Great Article! Couldn’t have said it better
Sterlingshears says
Wow, what can I say the sista covered it all, marriage don’t for punks and u must be willing to serve unconditionally. Thanks
Sterlingshears says
Wow, what can I say the sista covered it all, marriage don’t for punks and u must be willing to serve unconditionally. Thanks
Lindsey says
Nothing to say but AMEN!!!! After almost 40 years of marriage, I echo exactly what you said but I’d like to add – Marriage is still the way to go. Thanks
Tawana Howard says
You hit it right on the nail….im luvin this post!!
Dimples_76 says
Very nice article and a dose of needed advice for someone walking down the aisle in a few months. I appreciate this type of advice during a time when most people around me are giving wedding advice and not marital advice. Thanks for putting it plain and simple and preparing those of us who are “strapping up the boots” as we speak.
Dimples_76 says
Very nice article and a dose of needed advice for someone walking down the aisle in a few months. I appreciate this type of advice during a time when most people around me are giving wedding advice and not marital advice. Thanks for putting it plain and simple and preparing those of us who are “strapping up the boots” as we speak.
Patrice LaGrand says
I think you got it right with only four years under your belt. I am 23 years married and the things you said are just as true today as they were the first year of my marriage. Thank you for your honesty.
Patrice LaGrand says
I think you got it right with only four years under your belt. I am 23 years married and the things you said are just as true today as they were the first year of my marriage. Thank you for your honesty.
JF says
YES YES YES!!!!!!! Finally!!! I feel this is the most honest thing I’ve read on here so far (no offense intended, I regular the site and read daily). I’m just happy to finally see some honest from someone. When I talk to people like this, on here and otherwise, people feel I’m against marriage etc, but we need some honesty about what marriage is and it is not a fairytale fantasy and only a small percentage of people are cut out for it and like you said…that’s all right, there are far worst things that than happen. You don’t understand how happy I am that you wrote this. Extremely happy!!! I fills my heart with absolute joy to hear honesty and I feel like I’ve finally heard it on here. Its good to be optimistic and hopeful and think only good things and feed yourself these positive affirmations and tell yourself lies and be in denial…hold on what just happened, but we need honesty and we need reality…Reality…REALITY. I am at my work computer in sheer ecstasy from the honesty (and I mean that in the most professional way possible as I am married and love my wife and put her above all else and whatever else a husband has to say). Yes, I am babbling and I no longer make any sense, but that is how happy this article made me. Finally…we get the truth…
Reggie Williams says
Hello JF, you and I have traded comments at least once on BMWK. You said “this is the most honest thing [you’ve] read on here so far.” I’m good with that; there’s definitely gotta be one article to speaks to a person more than any other. But then you go and say, “I’m just happy to FINALLY see some honesty from someone.” Well brother, that implies that all the other articles you’ve read before were dishonest (I’m just happy to FINALLY see some honesty . . .
I think I made this comment to you before, people speak from their experience and oftentimes when folks have the inability to speak highly from something that’s usually an indication that something they don’t speak highly of is something that they’ve been unable to achieve — that’s honesty.
Denise wrote an absolutely phenomenal piece and on point on every point. I love it when she said marriage ain’t for punks. Let me give you some more honesty (this is coming from a husband with his wife who together has facilitated/taught a couple hundred marriage/relationship classes/workshops) it is usually the punks in the classes or workshops also raising complaints. The folks who understand there are trials and somedays are rough are the champs who rejoice that this is just a part of the journey. They choose to invest in the positive rather than invest energy in all that ain’t
You say you love your wife and put her above all else and I believe you believe that. But if every comment that I read from you has a negative tone (even you wrote that most folks think you are against marriage) I then began to wonder if that same negative tone that you write with in your responses don’t find there way into your conversation with your wife.
Bruh understand I’m not here to talk at you or be critical, but if we gonna be honest — let’s. It appears because your experiences are not what the experiences of the other writers (me included) then our commentary must be dishonest. Remember it was you who said “Im just happy to FINALLY see some HONESTY from someone. It also makes me wonder why you would read a site daily that’s steeped in dishonesty.
For real “it’s all love” just keepin it real
JF says
Peace Reggie…and alsoEPayne…
First off I must say thank you and that I greatly appreciated your honesty with me. I don’t speak on how you called me a punk and said I had a bad marriage, hahahaa (in jest).
Next, I need to apologize to the staff, writers and supporters of http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com. When I said ‘finally honesty etc’ I really didn’t mean to or want to imply that anyone on here is dishonest (well, maybe some comments I feel aren’t seeped in reality, but that’s my opinion and I am entitled to that and won’t apologize for). I repeat, I didn’t want to imply that everything on here or everything I read is Dishonest, but I honestly do not feel that way. I guess what i meant by ‘honest’ was this article had such a great…I don’t know…reality to it. Reality about what marriage is, not what he hope or dream or what it can be, but what it is. I feel the tone in this is so true and real and all gloves off honest. Like, though love honest, like she wants us to succeed honest, like she’s preparing us for this journey honest, like she’s trying to build us up, build our marriages honest, let us know of the reality of the rough road honest, but how it is still very beautiful honest. I read daily and love articles on staying connected spiritually, or about finances or keeping a spark alive, especially articles about dealing with certain circumstances like friends and coworkers etc. I love these articles because I see them as beneficial and necessary and great building tools also. But, I feel this article is just so important…so important because it address us in the beginning on what marriage is. My experience isn’t ‘bad’ sir. But, I will be honest in that I didn’t know what marriage was or what it entailed. Naturally that leads to problems, expectations not being meet, miscommunication etc. This is so important to me, personally and in general, because if I had someone talking to me this honestly about marriage and what it is and starting THAT conversation it would have been a great benefit me and many young just starting out couples.
So, I sincerely from the bottom of my heart want to apologize for any disrespect or just rudeness of how I came off. I love you guys and fully support you even if I feel otherwise about certain posts. I read daily and want nothing more than your success, personal and professional. I thank your writers for their hard work in addressing all topics relating to the black family and its dedication to preserving that. I want to echo that I did not mean to imply this is a dishonest site or other articles are honest, because they are. This one is just Special…to me at least (can I have that much, haha). Keep up the good work!!!
Peace
JF
EPayne says
I think that all the writers here have different ways of conveying their points to readers. BMWK is an oddity in today’s times not because it’s idyllic, but because in spite of the calamities erupting within matrimony, it’s stance is “So what! Work it out!” That’s why this post above fits so perfectly within it’s framework. From my own personal interactions with co-founder Lamar Tyler, I have seen in the flesh the fiery and adamant stance that marriage is to be maintained, strengthened and fortified, for the sakes of our kids and our communities and for the sakes of all the singles contemplating jumping the broom. Seeing his love for his wife and kids at work, his documentary-missionary work and his “deal with it” attitude helped me at a time when I was ready to buckle because of the “really-real reality” of my own marriage.
I believe that the writers here have embraced this as well and branded it according to their own experiences and styles of conveying their own individual messages. Keep in mind, the people writing these posts also have husbands and wives to answer to so there’s a thin line between “keeping it real” in a P.O.V. piece and creating a contentious environment at home. I don’t have a need or desire to defend the honesty of my writing here. As the 2nd consistent male voice on this site for a couple of years now, my work and the conversations they’ve generated speak for themselves. But I do feel it necessary to defend the work of my peers.
I think that a writer’s method of conveying messages shouldn’t be confused with honesty. Clearly Denise’s candid statements were beyond eloquent and will resonate with readers for many days, weeks, months and hopefully years to come. Opinions are opinions but the blessing of Denise’s article here shouldn’t be wielded as as some sort of proof that other content here is “not real”. That does the dedicated staff a disservice and it also diminishes experiences of readers here who have had their wounds healed, minds changed and marriages saved by posts prior to Denise’s excellent one.
JF says
As a side note: I must address something that will seem so small, but is important to me.
There was a line when you said “our mothers all raised us differently…” I know you probably didn’t mean anything by it and that is probably your experience and is honestly quite common, but I can’t close this screen and leave this beautiful article without letting it be known that my Father raised me. My mother left when I was 15 months and it was me and my father. Now, the woman I consider my mom is a beautiful woman and I am so thankful for her because our relationship is like I came from her. She came around the age of 5. But, my Father worked two jobs to take care of me and paid friends to watch me and didn’t eat to make sure I ate and he sacrified his dreams to work and do school. He kept me safe, protected me, disciplined me, taught a little lightskin boy with curly hair to be proud to be Black and from a glorious people. He gave me Malcolm and Garvey and corn flakes with banana and Nintendo and whoopings and honor and pride and as much of himself as he could. I honor my Mom and love her and I know many mothers play both roles and break their backs and I love, respect and support my sisters, but my father was no lazy ass…hahaha
Much love and respect and peace to you all…
JF
Onedestiny777 says
I’m thinking she was just saying mothers and not excluding the dads. This was an oversight because she may have very well been raised by her dad too. Props to your dad but I think you took it the wrong way! Also, what does light skin and curly hair have to do with anything. Were you adding a bi-racial plug in there. If anything, THAT phrase was not necessary. I’m just saying…
JF says
I don’t know what you thought I was adding with my ‘bi-racial plug’, but I was using more of a poetic license in describing my experience. More colorful or descriptive language so to speak. When you are teaching your children about being black, there is a difference when they actually look ‘black’ and when they don’t. For much of my childhood people, in fact, didn’t think I was black. So, me saying ‘teaching a light skin curly haired boy about being black…” it provideds emphasis on the work it took to do that given that my reflection didn’t show Garvey’s complexion, didn’t show Africa back to me, it showed what many people called ‘white’ ‘yellow’ other. It’s took more work to convince me of this strong blackness/Africa, let alone make me fully embrace, love and be extremely proud of. That’s what the ‘bi-racial plug’ was for. Nothing else. I don’t know what else I could have meant by it. So, that phrase actually wasn’t unnecessary, it was quite necessary in proving a point, painting a picture, providing emphasis.
Peace
Petrena R. McCoy says
WOW! This is so true! Even though I’m single at the present time, I was agreeing to everything, especially the last paragraph, it’s just so TRUE, a lot of people don’t even think about things like this before saying “I DO”, in other words they don’t see the full picture!
Patrice says
I absolutely LOVED this post ans couldn’t agree more! I’m also proud to say I was your 1000th “like” on FB! You go girl! You’ve got a new reader. 🙂
Onedestiny777 says
Wow!!!! This is all of my pre-marital classes wrapped up in one article!!! Excellent advise and very reall!!! I will repost this for my friends (if Ican figure how to do that)!!! Be blessed!!
Nbliss2 says
Wowwwwwwwww! Yes like many other comments this was definately on point. I could not have expressed this any better…I’m a fan!!!!
Kamila Scott says
thank you denise! we are on our 4th year as well and it has been hard. i do agree, marriage is only for the strong. thanks again for pouring words of wisdom into others.
mochazina says
this might just be the absolute best & truthful BASIC idea about marriage ever posted on this site or elsewhere on the web. 🙂
good job Denise & BMWK
Will Wavvy says
Very true. If more people realized this, there wouldn’t be as many marriages or divorces and marriage would have significantly more meaning to people.
Will Wavvy says
Very true. If more people realized this, there wouldn’t be as many marriages or divorces and marriage would have significantly more meaning to people.
JF says
So true!!! This is a truly special post. Just look at the response. I really wish I had someone talking to me like this before I got married. I had to learn the hard way. I hope people listen to this and really appreciate it and keep it with them. I had to learn through the weight of a woman’s tears. The process I went through was truly by the fire, but I’ve grown so much as a man, husband, father. I’m glad this was written. Peace
Natakisuggs1973 says
Woow this us wisdom!!
Rebecca says
I completely agree with everything said here. I went into my first marriage thinking I could “fix” what was wrong with him and then I would be happy and so would he. That was one rude awakening I tell ya! In the years after we divorced, I think I came to realize these things you wrote about, but could never put them as eloquently as you did in this article! I think this is the best thing written on marriage that I have read in a long time. It does take work, but if you truly love the person, you are willing to work on yourself and your shortcomings to make things turn out wonderful. Marriage teaches us things that we can’t learn anywhere else, and one of the most important things is to be more Christ-like. Thanks for posting!
FireStar* says
Let me say…you have made it plain and straight and straight and plain if anyone had questions they should’ve gotten there answers…this post made me want to shake your hands smiling giddily (like the man in Coming to American seeing the Prince of Zumuda on the bathroom line)…Outstanding representation of the Gift and Ministry of Marriage
Solomon L GruLaC says
In soo many ways I agree with what you have to say about Marriage not designed to make you happy; however, I believe that in other ways it is. When God made man and saw that man was alone; I have to imagine that man was NOT happy being alone. I also have to imagine that when God said that “It is not good that man should be alone…” (Genesis 2:8) and then put man to sleep and made woman for man, that God was not completely happy until He made and presented woman to the man (Adam). I also have to believe that when man saw what God had made from his flesh and said, “…now this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman…” that man was exceedingly happy. I submit that Marriage was designed to not only make you happy; but that Marriage was ALSO designed to make to make you Happier. I do indeed agree that a person must NOT enter into a marriage thinking that being married will resolve ALL the issues present in ones self. I also agree that one should NOT enter into marriage thinking that it will make them happy. I agree further that IF one does have personal issues or demons that need to be dealt with, that they should FIRST deal with them while one is single lest one sabotage the relationship and marriage one enters into. I take a slight turn and add a slight twist and say further that getting married when one is already happy being single is a call that one must make carefully. I say this because it is written in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9, “6) But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7) For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. 8) I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9) But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn….” I other words, IF one is content and happy to be unmarried and single; and has no desire to be with another person on a intimate level like that of marriage–and is strongly in favor with God and is fulfilling God’s Will the way He would have them to and is fully utilizing ones gift(s) and talent(s) the way God would have them to–then let that one continue to be single. I say these words as cautiously and carefully as I can in text so as NOT to intentionally mislead anyone. IF one; however, is content and is happy being unmarried and single and is NOT fulling the Will of God the way God would have them to and is facing temptations and desires that continue to lead them astray and finds one (of the opposite sex) that infuses them with the extra strength and drive and encouragement that they need to do God’s Will; and if the one who is facing these temptations and desires have a strong desire to want to share what God has blessed them with and is continuing to Bless them with, with someone (of the opposite sex) in such a way that is beyond what one can share with family, friends, strangers, or enemies…..If one is willing to humble themselves in such a way as to continue to learn how to better themselves and is willing to accept critique and criticism from another (of the opposite sex) for a lifetime. If one is willing to work hard at keeping things in peace, even when war wages on, and is willing to help another in ways more intimate than family, friends, strangers, or enemies……And being with another (of the opposite sex) actually helps them to achieve what God is leading one to achieve and is conducive to both persons. If the Love that is shared between and with the 2 is soo strong that each one did NOT FALL in Love; instead each one GREW to Love the other and that Love is continuing to GROW EACH and EVERY moment and day for each other AND there is NO desire for each one to be with another outside of each other. Also IF each one desires to SHARE each of the ones life with the other fully and completely; to INCLUDE each ones relationship with GOD and that relationship–the one each one shares with GOD–is ENHANCED by being with each other (to persons of the opposite sex) and previous desires and temptations that are NOT of God are driven away by being with each other. Then let each one come TOGETHER and be one….(Paraphrase from: Gen 2:24; Matt 19:5; Eph 5:31; Mark 10:7).
So, while I agree that one should NOT get married JUST to make ones self happy and that one should be happy and content with ones self and ones life and ones relationship with God and others BEFORE one gets married so as to share and bring that same joy, Love, contentment, and prosperity into ones relationship AND marriage; while at the same time bringing more Love, joy and prosperity into ones Marriage…I do NOT agree that Marriage was NOT designed to make one happy. Were that the case, I have a hard time believing that God would have performed the very first marriage ceremony.
There is more that I could say; however, brevity is what is needed here, NOT elaboration.
>>>Solomon L. GruLaC<<<
mochazina says
lol – bro, re-research the meaning of brevity. 😛
H. Roberta Williams says
ROFL, mochazina! Too funny!
DODIE says
I totally agree with you Solomon. When God first created all within the earth man and then woman he was happy. I believe that Adam was happy and God saw that a companion for him would make happier and therefore created Eve. I agree with scripture,as this was taught in my Bible Study class some years ago. I just wish I was taught and understood this before entering adulthood. I know better now so I can do better now and when the Lord present the husband he has chosen for me.
DODIE says
I totally agree with you Solomon. When God first created all within the earth man and then woman he was happy. I believe that Adam was happy and God saw that a companion for him would make happier and therefore created Eve. I agree with scripture,as this was taught in my Bible Study class some years ago. I just wish I was taught and understood this before entering adulthood. I know better now so I can do better now and when the Lord present the husband he has chosen for me.
Oneness says
While Adam was happy once God created Eve for him, it was before the fall of man. God’s perfect plan was quite a bit tainted by man’s sin.
Solomon L GruLaC says
One more quick thing, each one has to be willing to sacrifice some of each one’s personal time time to help the other achieve the other’s goals and aspirations. This must be done willingly and voluntarily. Even if one asks the other for help, the willingness MUST be there and the other MUST voluntarily give up one’s personal time to fulfill the help request. This MUST be done in and out of Love. This points back to what was said about one MUST be Humble and able and Willing to SERVE the other.
One person I met–and the Holy Bible points to this when you read ALL that Christ Jesus did–the greatest calling for any leader is to SERVE those of whom one leads. Also, the greatest respect that can be given and the greatest show of humility is for a follower to do what one is told to do. Many times one who is following wants the leader to ASK them and not TELL them what to do. The leader’s job is to direct and command WITH respect. God and Christ Jesus and the Holy Spirit TELLS one to do this or that NOT ask…..this line of comments can lead into something, thus to stay on track…..In a Christian (God approved) marriage, the man (husband) is the head (the leader); however, the man must also know when to delegate and empower his wife to do what he cannot do. Then he must be humble enough to step back out of the way and let her do what he cannot do. The woman (wife) must then be strong, willing, and humble enough to take charge for the time whatever needs to be done and then relinquish control back to the man (husband) because he is still the head; even if she (the wife) is in control.
The best example I can give is reflex. In short, when one touches a hot object the signal “too hot” does NOT wait to get to the brain (which in control) to move the hand out of danger and harm’s way; however, then the initial reaction (reflex) is done, the brain is notified of what took place and why and the brain resumes control of the hand. The brain does not get upset about relinquishing control over to the hand (actually its a portion of the spinal cord) because the over all mission is to preserve and protect the body as a whole. Anyway….I pray and hope the point is well received and understood…….
Again there is more I could say; however, brevity………
>>>Solomon L. GruLaC<<<
DODIE says
I share your view ,but to some in these times of today would get all carried away with the word SERVE. Some females also,take the word SUMBISSION to the husband in a negative way of thinking. The wife just that,the helpmate of the husband. When the husband is unable to do and acknowledge to the wife that she’s needed to take over when he cannot she is to do. When the husband is again able there should not be any selfish behavior for the wife to let the husband continue his duties as a husband for he is now capable to perform.
Denise says
Everyone, thank you so much for such an enormous and heart-felt reaction to this piece. I keep saying it, but I never thought this would catch on the way it has.
I do feel I need to clarify something, however. Never did I say I believe marriage is not supposed to BE happy. I believe it is supposed to be happy. I do believe, however, that we have the responsibility to make the marriage happy. We should not rely on the marriage to make US (as an individual) happy.
The article was essentially a challenge to the faulty thinking that marriage will automatically address feelings of unhappiness or emptiness, or that if we are currently unhappy with our marriage it may be time to throw in the towel. I think our attitudes have gotten so cavalier about marriage. We get into them — and get out of them — for incredibly selfish reasons. The article is a call to work, to MAKE your marriage happy through cooperation with the One who created it and service to your spouse. It was a call to pull up your boot straps and be willing to get your hands dirty for the sake of keeping your marriage functional and enjoyable. It was a call to stop living in the land of “someday” if you’re not yet someone’s wife or husband and to appreciate what God is doing in your life in the present. It was a call to approach marriage with the right attitude: soberly and advisedly.
Maybe other folks never had to learn the lessons I had to learn and have shared in the article. Wonderful. But I know — and it’s clear from the response to this post — that I wasn’t the only one who had learned it or needed to learn it still.
JF says
You did an excellent job!!!
JF says
You did an excellent job!!!
mochazina says
i asked the ribDonor to read it… he reposted the link on his FB with this caption:
“This is marriage in a nutshell. Take it, steal it, run with it, reject it, but KNOW that this is it.”
😀
Kirsten Simpkins says
I believe the happiness that Denise speaks of exists and IS possible for all couples. I assert that through obedience to God’s word on marriage, love, and discipleship we will find that a transformation takes place. As we heed God’s will for our lives and our marriages, our Heavenly Father changes us from the inside out, so that what makes us happy is more in line with what he requires of us as husbands and wives. 8 years ago, submission seemed foreign and uncomfortable, and now I truly believe it is my honor to serve my husband because I understand that as I serve him, I honor God. I pray that by reading Denise’s blog more minds are renewed and more hearts are changed so that our marriages can be saved. Thanks Sis for a wonderful read and an awesome reminder!!!!! 1 Corinthians 2:16 and Romans 12:1-2
H. Roberta Williams says
This is EXACTLY what people need: reality!!! I think it’s valuable for newlyweds to hang their hats upon. It’s also good for the more seasoned married couples to re-evaluate their marriages with. For someone like me, in the midst of a divorce, this candid article will definitely help me start again more intelligently! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your transparency!
Solomon L GruLaC says
Things like the heart is given a task to do and does it. The brain is still ultimately in control; however, it delegates certain responsibilities to various organs and parts of the body to do and the brain backs off and trusts those parts of the body and organs to do that job. At any given point and time, the brain CAN take over; however, the brain normally does NOT. Thus even in marriage one MUST trust the other. The head (man AND husband) MUST TRUST the body (wife and children–if any–esp. the wife) to do the role(s) delegated to them. The body MUST trust that the head (husband) is leading them correctly according to God’s Will. The head (husband) must NOT get upset if the body asks questions from time to time when things do not seem right; however, the body must NOT get upset if the head tells the body to do it anyway, because the head may know something that the body does not; however, the body should NEVER know something–for long–that the head does NOT know. The head is ultimately responsible for ANYthing and EVERYthing that goes on with the body as a whole…………..TRUST for one AND the other is key and very important…….Love MUST ALWAYS be there as well……..
>>>Solomon L. GruLaC<<<
Solomon L. GruLaC says
The head MUST trust the body when the body says that something is wrong or not right or even IF it FEELS wrong or right. The head MUST investigate unless the head knows beyond all shadow of a doubt that what the head knows is absolutely right and what the body knows is absolutely wrong. IF there is ANY doubt, the head should investigate…….
I think I may have inadvertently started a whole other/new blog here…….
>>>Solomon L. GruLaC<<<