by Denise Anderson
I posted the following as my status on Facebook yesterday:
Marriage was not designed to make you happy, satisfied, or whole. If you go into it for any of the aforementioned reasons, you’re in for a rude awakening.
Some of my friends asked me to expound, so I guess I’ll take a stab at it here.
First let me preface this post by saying that I in no way claim to be an expert on marriage. My husband and I have been married a little under four years and we’re still learning a lot of things about being married. If you want expert advice, talk to someone who’s been at this for decades (and let me listen in). I can only share what I’ve learned so far. Further, I assure you that, despite the tone of this post, I really love being married. However, I don’t want people to be delusional about what marriage is or is not. So let me share with you what marriage cannot do.
Marriage cannot make you happy.
I think it’s safe to say that many people who want to be married think that marriage will make them happy, but I maintain that’s just not true. We’ve all grown up with the fairy tales where the princess finds a prince, gets married, and lives “happily ever after.” Simply put, nothing can “make” you happy. Absolutely nothing. Happiness is a personal choice and is not contingent upon one’s circumstances. There are plenty of happy poor folks and miserable millionaires. If you aren’t happy before marriage, chances are you won’t be happy in it. And unfortunately, a lot of people get dejected when they enter a marriage and realize they’re not as happy as they thought they’d be. Learn to be happy independent of outside influences.
Marriage does not equal satisfaction.
Let me be clear: you will not be completely satisfied in your marriage 100% of the time. You’re talking about two people who were raised by different mothers, were taught different standards, and somehow decided it would be a good idea to join together and become a unit. But because they are still two very distinct people, clashes naturally arise when expectations don’t align with reality. He has different ideas about cleaning than you do. She has different ideas about money than you do. You both thought sex would be more plentiful than it currently is. Somebody is going to be disappointed occasionally.
There is not a single person on earth who can completely live up to your expectations because all of us fall short. Whomever you marry will likely disappoint you, and I’m sure you won’t do much better. And don’t think you can change the things you don’t like about him or her. That’s a dead-end road, and even if you did “fix” those things, chances are you’d only find more things later that need to be “fixed.” Go into a marriage expecting the other person to fall short (within reason) and decide preemptively to extend some grace when they do.
Marriage cannot make you whole.
Everyone wants to feel complete, whether it’s in their careers or their personal lives. They somehow don’t feel like they can sit back, relax, and enjoy life until they have something they’ve always wanted. Sadly, plenty of people put their happiness on hold for some hypothetical day in the future when they have everything they want, including a marriage and family. If partial contentment is your status quo and the way you live your life, I can guarantee you that once you do obtain the things you think you want, you’ll find a reason not to be happy with them. Something will always be out of place.
Oh and another thing”… do NOT go into a marriage expecting your spouse to make you better, fix your hurts from your past, or give you everything you ever thought you’d need. Only God can do that. Please, if you have personal issues that you’re aware of, work on them before you get married or you will sabotage yourself. Your spouse is not your therapist or your fairy godparent.
So, why get married in the first place?
Well, only you can answer that. But I can tell you one indispensible prerequisite for a successful marriage: be prepared to work. Marriage is beautiful, blessed, and sacred, but it’s not for punks. They say it takes work, but I say it more than requires work “” it is work personified. It is a full-time job requiring a lot of spiritual, mental, and emotional strength. When you hear the words “for better or for worse,” imagine what the “worse” could possibly look like and honestly ask yourself if you have the wherewithal to thrive in those situations. If you don’t have it, that’s fine. There are far worse fates in life than to live it as a single person. But if you feel you have the fortitude to fully submit to another person until one of you leaves this earth, by all means go for it.
There is honestly no nobler thing than to dedicate your life to someone other than yourself, which is essentially what marriage is. You have to have the heart of a servant to do this thing correctly. Can you still fix him a plate even after he’s thoroughly pissed you off? Would you still put gas in her car for work tomorrow even after she’s stepped all over your ego? After days of fighting and arguing, can you still muster the humility to pray for one another? These are the types of things successfully married people do. In this job, you don’t clock out just because you’re not “feeling it.” That’s a hard thing for people to understand in a culture of selfishness, but it is what it is. Strong marriages are comprised of strong people, so you must ask yourself before you get to the altar, “Am I strong enough?”
Read Part II: What Marriage Was Designed For Here
Denise is a wife, mother, professional web designer, and minister-in-training living in the D.C. area. Check out her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back.
Habakkuk 2:2,3 Write the vision and make it plain…you have done that so clearly. It is well understood to those who want truth to run with! I thank you for sharing so “plainly”! I have been married 34 yrs and I know that you speak sound truth! Keep being the mouth piece for God that you are! Those look for truth will find and adhere to it!
In being married for 2 decades this year, I would have to agree with the writer. I think we have forgotten that marriage is about service to one another. Loving and caring for one another when its not in our foremost thoughts, when we’ve had a bad day or the effort doesnt seem reciprocated. Being careful to give more than you take.
WOW, I’m totally speechless! Well said, all of the points you hit in this article was dead on. I’ve been married 15 years and I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put this candidly. Your words are really true. Thanks for this post, I will print this out and use it as a guide when these situations arise.
I swear this post seems like you have been living in my head having this conversation! I also have only been married for 4+ years & I totally agree that this is by far the hardest job I have! Harder than being parent, child, sibling, or even my career! Thank you for your candidness and comfort to give real talk to anyone willing to listen!
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Bravo for telling it like it is. I’ve been married a few decades and its not for whimps. Its good, bad and really ugly at times. Commitment is the key.
Marriage is a companion,for each other,a commitment,a bond unite as one,your soul mate…To have a solid marriage,you must be able to take a little,give a little…for instance….a marriage,is based on a balance scale,if one side is heavy,then the other one,the other side is likeing,so to have a success marriage,y’all must balance the scale out,to be whole…meaning…in a marriage,you can’t be pulling in two different direction,Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying, there know one out there,is not happy in their marriage…What i’m saying all marriage is not on the straight road,that there are some that have curve in them..Hey.but,can be work out,by speaking up.my belief, is what come out of your mouth is what built a good relationship in y’all marriage..from the beginning.but,remember…your teeth and tongue,will fall out in some point in life…Communication,understanding,patience.and love,is lacking in a lot of marriage of today,so we must stop focus on what if,and focus on what now…
LOVE THIS!!!
i like this. this is very relavant. nice acknowledgement.
Excellent commentary and original piece. I have been divinely guided to this site because my 14 year old marriage has always been an uphill struggle.
Now would somebody explain the terms serve and submit that the wife is supposed to do. i am sorry it just rubs me the wrong way. Every alarm bell goes off and I need to understand how serve and submit is interpreted from your perspective, Denise.
So for all of this here is my question …. For school I have to write the following paper….
Write a 3-4 page paper that evaluates of a couples troubled marriage as a hypothetical Christian counselor. Think of a real or imaginary couple for whom you could offer practical advice to saving their marriage. Consider what is helpful for those marriages that are in serious trouble; this may include a marriage where one of the spouses has committed adultery (or is currently in an extramarital relationship), or where one of the spouses has walked away from the marriage, or stated that they have lost their passion within the marriage. In your evaluation include Grunlans ideas from chapter 9 and draw ideas from chapter 3 in Chapman’s text in discussing how to save a marriage.
With all the knowledge you all have on this subject was hoping you might be able to help. I’m lost and dont know where to start
OOmg! You hit it on the head! I love my husband and love being married but “ALL” Of the above needs to be put in a manual and handed out when applying for marriage license It should say “Read before applying!” Marriage is not for punks
OOmg! You hit it on the head! I love my husband and love being married but “ALL” Of the above needs to be put in a manual and handed out when applying for marriage license It should say “Read before applying!” Marriage is not for punks
Sometime it’s good for one and not great for others? Ladies, need to find realistic qualities in a man? Cause, alot of men don’t want to deal with a high maintenance women? Want this, needs that? Has everything, but never satisfied? One the talks to her man, boyfriend? Instead, of the one who tell her man what she expects? Marriage is a partnership 50/50, and most traditional situation in the past had the man being the man of the house? With the change in women getting equal rights and pay as a man, the roles reverse now? Women, may or could make more then her lover, boyfriend, husband? Doesnt mean he’s any less then a man? But, some women try to throw their weigh and power around? Then find themselves searching for love in all the wrong places? Cause, they mistreated the one that the lord sent her way? Cause, your not satisfied with a real man? They come in all form
And shapes? Y’all better get in the gym, focus on yourself and when the time is right the lord will reward your hard work, determination and drive to focus one you first, before that man walk into your life ready to take care of you?
Marriage was designed to make the married couple not happy but very happy. The one who designed marriage gave the blueprint for marriage. Married people refuse to follow the plan to build their marriages thus too many far too many couples bring great unhappiness into their marriage. sometimes the man does not keep to the plan sometimes the womand refuses to kepp to the bluprints designs as well and somtimes both discard the designs as well. I believe I tried to build my marriage accordingly sometimes I got really angry and changed much of the plans as well. It was a disaster. I felt self righteous and very hurt. He did not see “Love your wife as Yashuah (Christ) loved His Congregation and treat her as your own body.” I did not see ” Forgive as Yahweh (God) for Yashuah’s sake has forgiven you.
If both follow the design for marriage the marriage is guranteed to be a happy one even between imperfect humankind that we are.
On top of all that, marriage is hard work. These days, people just don’t want to work hard at it, put in the time, the effort, the sacrifice.
Wow this is remarkable for 4 years of marriage ! Go girl, my 13th year and still discovering that I’m strong after all; IN GOD !
Thanks for sharring.
VERY well said. Great points. We are approaching our one-year anniversary and I love that you say, “Marriage is not for punks.” Ha! Perfect! My saying as been, “Marriage ain’t no joke!” But it is the most gratifying thing you will ever do.
What in the World! This sounds like an excuse to stay in a relationship to save face! People make bad choices usually because they feel pressured to measure up to an idea. It amazes me that we can say that taking a long soaking bath is something that you should do just because it makes you happy!
Of course, if you are a depressed person, you need to a lot of self -work, but there is nothing wrong with getting married to someone because it makes you happy- However, you don’t have to marry for that, but marriage is a partnership like a business.
Most people would think twice as hard about choosing a business partner than a spouse. The term soulmate means you connect with someone mind, body & soul. You get them and they get you- you are not just alike- yet you compliment each other. And there is passion!
Life should always have passion! When we have passion even the hard times are sweet- in fact- when you understand life- you realize that it’s all relative- no pressure- enjoy your life- while you can!
FIND YOURSELF- and believe in TRUE LOVE- that will save you a lot of heartache and dissapointment.
If you cannot make yourself happy, it is not a good idea to depend on someone else to make you happy. Although they may be able to for a while, a situation will arise where you must have inner strength and a strong foundation of who it is you really are.
A marriage is like a big pot of gumbo,if you don’t put the right amount of seasonal in it,it’s not going to taste the way you want it to taste…A marriage was not designed to make you happy but if you work all of that extra seasonal into the marriage,if you could a pot of gumbo,you will come to happy…I’m not saying,cooking is a way to a men heart,but it would help,what i’m saying,you both must want to be happy,to be happy…
Totally LOVE this article! u00a0definitely speaks the truth from an open and honest standpoint. if you want a “professional” opinion, go to Rev Stevens blog to see what he says about marriage and God. Been married 40 years-cant beat THAT these days! https://www.soundmarriages.tumblr.com/ u00a0
What you said will make the young couples deopressed.
Marriage is truly a labor of love. It’s one of the toughest responsibilities one will ever sign up for yet if its done with the right person, its also one of the most fulfilling experiences. To God be all the glory for anyone who is successfully married. Oh yeah, success if defined differently for each marriage.
Great piece. In todays society, sacrifice, compromise, and ability to commit are all qualities required to make a marriage work. With todays liberal no fault divorce laws, maintaining a marriage is much harder than ending one.
EXCELLENT!
Love your approach and your candor. Few are willing to speak to the reality of marriage and what it is and what it isn’t. The strength needed to endure. And I love that you emphasize spirituality and prayer as an absolute necessity when it comes to maintaining that level of committment to one another and the sanctity. Fabulous! Glad I took the time to read.
Although I am Christian and hope to someday marry someone who also believes in God-even if we’re not in the same denominations-I don’t think a couple has to be Christian for a marriage to work, and I don’t think there is one right way to make a marriage work-it depends on the people and their situation, background, etc. I do believe that two people do become one when they marry; however, I also believe that, although united, those two people are still individuals, and the two must find a way to retain that individuality while at the same time functioning as one unit (which sounds totally contradictory, I know, but I don’t think it impossible). I agree that marriage is about self-sacrifice and even give and take-however, note that I said EQUAL give and take. Not to say that everyone will always be completely satisfied, for I know that unrealistic, but I don’t think a marriage should be based on one person giving give giving while the other takes but doesn’t give equally; to me, this is not marriage but one person taking advantage of another, and I myself can’t stand the though of being taken advantaged of.
Now, I’m sure some people won’t like what I say next, but again, everyone has their own view of what a successful marriage consists of and the “roles” that each person should take on-including myself. That being said, I’ll continue: I believe that a marriage can best work when stratified roles exists and everyone involved follow those roles. HOWEVER, I personally don’t believe that there is one definition or way to be a “good wife or good husband,” and don’t think that traditional gender roles have to be followed for a marriage to be successful. I feel like roles and responsibilities should be assigned and given, but I don’t think everyone has to follow the same traditional rules if they don’t want to for a marriage to work-it depends on the couple. For example, I’d like to eventually get married, but I intensely dislike the thought of me being responsible for all of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. I myself don’t believe these things are “womens’ work” but work that both people in the marriage should do, so too much work isn’t pushed on one person, which means less work for both people. I also intensely dislike the thought of being expected and/or forced to stop my career outside the home and become a stay at home housewife, and if I ever get married, I’ll aim to marry someone who doesn’t believe in pushing those responsibilities on one person and someone who will be willing to share those responsibilities-something that, to me, is more fair. I know lots of Christians with traditional beliefs believe that men and women “have their place” when it comes to marriages, but I am Christian yet believe that these traditional roles aren’t the only ones that can be chosen and followed and produce a happy marriage. Maybe it’s because I have such a strong sense of self, but I imagine that if I got married and someone expected/tried to force those traditional roles upon me, I’d be very unhappy to say the least-probably so unhappy to the point that I would totally rebel against those roles and divorce the person or, if there were kids involved, either divorce the person and choose to be a struggling single mother or try to accept my place” but end up silently resenting and eventually hating my husband to the point that my bitterness would trickel down and the marriage would disentegrate anyway.I am not saying that I am not willing to self-sacrifice-I’d treat my husband with the same respect and consideration that he treated me, and I’d do things to boost his male ego-but I believe that the self-sacrifice has to be reciprocal, as in, you can’t try to force someone to do something or make a sacrifice” that you yourself would not be willing to make.
Marriage is about sacrifice and giving, but it’s also about respecting your partners as an individual person as well and a willingness from BOTH SIDES to swallow pride and do things they don’t want to do. If someone tried to force the gender roles upon me discussed earlier, I would honestly rather divorce them and be happy-even if sometimes lonely-than be with someone and be unhappy. For a marriage to work, there need to be distinguished roles, but those roles don’t have to be traditional Christina ones, and those roles should be discussed and understood BEFOREHAND to avoid the scenarios mentioned above.
Regarding the male being “the head” in the relationship and women being “submissive” to their husbands, here are my thoughts: I agree that a string male/father figure is important in marriages, but as far as working outside of the home, working inside of the home and making decisions that affect the entire household goes, I think those are things that should be done jointly-not solely dictated by one person. I think both people in the marriage should be strong and that both people in the marriage should take care of each-other and give to one another. hence, my future husband can be “the head” of the marriage, but running our household-outside and within it-is gonna be a job that we BOTH share, and I don’t think the ability to make rational decisions has anything to do with anyone’s sex/gender. Just b/c someone is “the head” doesn’t make them right, and both decisions should have equal weight.
Speaking of the breakup of marriage, I’ll bring up another point regarding my thoughts/feelings on divorce: I do believe that marriage is a sacred bond and vow that should not be broken and that God hates to see broken, and I do believe that marriage is job that shouldn’t be quit at the first sign of trouble. However, I believe it plain foolish to stay in a marriage when the bad outweighs the good and the unhappiness outweighs the happiness. When the bad times outweigh the good times, it’s time to go. Again, I’d rather be aline and happy than married and unhappy, and I think people use God as an excuse to get away with the same mistakes over and over and over again. No one is perfect, and marriage is about accepting the good and bad aspects of a person and being forgiven. HOWEVER, if someone CONTINUALLY makes the SAME MISTAKES-like cheating on you; showing a lack if apprecation towards you; refusing to break bad habits that have a negative impact on everyone involved-OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT’S TIME TO GO/DIVORCE! God wants marriages to work, but God also doesn’t want his children to be fools who are taken advantaged of and unhappy. If a person in a marriage makes the smae hurtful mistakes over and over again, to me, you should not justify continually forgiving them and allowing yourself to be mistreated with God but rather ou should take that as a sign that your marriage was NOT ordained by God and that you need to GET OUT! Saying you should stay in such a marriage and “work it out” is, to me, like saying an abused wife should continually forgive her husband who continually abuses her-just stupid. Sometimes, divorces are jsutified-at least in my eyes.
I must say that if /when you ever get married you are most likely in for a rude awakening. Yes marriage is supposed to be give and take but it is not equal. I haven’t met anyone who has truthfully expereienced that phenomena. Marriage is about ministering to someone else as an example of God’s love for that person. Marriage should not be entered into lightly and I cansee that you are not taking it as a joke however it might be beneficial to open your self up to the idea that you may have to actually do somethings that you don’t like are uncomfortable with or plain don’t feel like doing because it is in the best interests of your spouse and marriage. A real committment is not only when it’s convenient or fits into a five year plan or coordinates with presuppositions, it becomes real when int he face of extreme adversity we put ourselves to the side and focus on strengthening the whole and our spouse, even if it is not what appears to be in our best interests. WE must have faith and walk that faith out in spite of our spouses actions,behaviors, no one earns love it is freely given and a lot of the time you will have to choose to love and honor and respect your spouse even when you are not feeling like the same is being reciprocated
Is life happy. Life left to its own ends isn’t happy at all. If you don’t have food to eat you will die. If you don’t get enough attention you will become a nasty, criminally minded person. If you don’t have a decent childhood you will most likely grow up jaded and uncompassionate. You grow up alone and there are no guarantees you will make the right decisions. And you expect to find happiness with a total stranger? You aren’t your own best friend and chances are you don’t like yourself and you are expected to love a stranger you really don’t and possibly never will really get to know. Marriage is basically faith and developing a trusting relationship. Having something in common and the ability to make and achieve common goals and to responsibly raise another generation of human being to civility. The only way you can confirm love is after 10 or 15 years or after the kids are gone. You look back and realise it all wasn’t so bad and you had mutual trust, compassion and understanding of each other. And if your children are a relative success thats a plus.
Lets face it, marriage is a contract with someone that guarantees a lifetime supply of sex. A marriage even a loveless one requires cooperation. Even one full diecet can work if everyone does their job and cooperates with each other to define the personality of the relationship. As long as people give the perception of monogamy and come through with the sex and let each other know no matter how bad the sex is they did a good enough job it can work. Treat marriage like a business contract between partners. Until you want to kill each other then legally quit.
Yes, before getting married, one needs to have a strong sense of self. However, once married, no person can remain an island unto themselves. I’m just sayin, marriage will change a person regardless of whether a spouse makes a concerted effort or not to effect said change. The important part is to recognize the subtle lessons and cues that the relationship and life give you and act accordingly. Spouses are there to be loving, supportive and more. That’s important. A marriage can’t work if you act like you don’t need it when you really do.
Love You!!!!
I meant Love YouR opinion.
I meant love your opinion!!!!
Interesting opinion…
Great article! As a relationship coach, I always say that I am NOT just for the institution of marriage but MORE concerned about the people in it!
Yes, the people are actually what make up the marriage. What I discovered is that because of the lack of pre-communication, most people don’t marry the other person, they marry something about them. Whether it be his wife’s willingness to serve him on demand or the husband’s actions to give her want she wants all the time. Then when the wife becomes ill and he has to serve her or the husband loses his job and things get tight where he has to tell his wife ‘no’, then what they married is gone and this other part they didn’t sign up for.
http://www.holesinthehouse.com
Marriage ain’t for PUNKS, or people who are self centered and LOVE is not always enough!!!
Wow so many excellent comments, views, suggestions, opinions. I too thank the author for your well thought and researched comments concenring marriage and the recipe for marriage. So true, marriage will not make you happy. Currently going through the rough parts of a betrayal by my spouse. It has been really really hard, all of those dreams, changes, conversations, ideas, togetherness, sharing, mate. All are now in my thoughts. Strength and dedication and respect for marriage is of the utmost importance. I love marriage, I so wanted my marriage to work. I accepted so many things, so many disapointments.
Agreeing with an earlier post; Marriage is about sacrifice and giving, but it’s also about respecting your partners as an individual person as well and a willingness from BOTH SIDES to swallow pride and do things they don’t want to do. It is not selfish, it is shared. The ups and downs, the good and the bad. COMMUNICATION is the “key” to all of these things. Marriage or any relationship is not for “selfish” people. You can cannot maintain a marriage or any relationship with a ME attitude. Praise and boastfulness should not be what drives a marriage. Both persons must, must commit and not stray.
If shared, this article will help alot of individuals who are not in tuned with the the ins-outs of marriage, as well as many other aspects like knowing self worth, humanity, and general understanding of our human “cohesiveness”. Lots have no clue how to “Rodney King” life in general and this is not pointing towards race relations. Its human relations. The core of our communication, interaction, read/response techniques, etc., and if you are not familiar with this you will not know how to properly use your “discernment” skills. This can lead you to make poor partner decisions, and life decisions. Marriage “can” and does make SOME PEOPLE happy for reasons good and bad, so that’s the only thing I disagree with on this article as it is leading down the “will not make you happy” path. Also, I am in agreement that with certain thought processes that some rely on, marriage may not, or like aforementioned “cannot” create happiness.
In closing, when/if I get married, I’m 100% certain it will make me happy until there are signs that its over.
@ TPJ
Marriage for the TRUE* followers of CHRIST* is wrapped in the “COVENANT” that one day very soon JESUS* will be finally be wedded to HIS* BRIDE** and the fulfillment of the ages will be “THE MARRIAGE SUPPER OF THE LAMB” (Rev.19:7-9)…
Marriage was established as a sacred COVENANT* in the Garden of Eden between our 1st FAMILY* (a man created by Christ’s own hands and a woman (so named by man) taken from the DNA/RNA of man)…
From then till now, (like the 1st couple) – the ravages of SIN* and the tyranny of SATAN* has been to undermine this DIVINE* institution…
After 6000 years of CARNAGE – (Marriage) is now a shell of what GOD* had intended it to be (a quantum spiritual union of [2] souls that beat as [1] ) reaching its highest crescendo in the WORSHIP* and ADORATION* of the CREATOR* GOD* who made us for HIS* good pleasure…
No wonder PAUL the APOSTLE speaks of “MARRIAGE” as a “MYSTICAL” union (between a man and his woman) representative of CHRIST* & THE CHURCH*…
Though a “MYSTERY” – it is not without the propensity for “REVELATION” – for the mysteries of God are revealed through the PERSON* of JESUS* CHRIST**…
So the challenge for humanity is NOT* so much in the unlocking of the mysterious CODE* of what marriage is meant to be – but rather, in the REALIZATION* of the fact that “TRUE MARRIAGE” is virtually IMPOSSIBLE* without JESUS CHRIST* being the GLUE* which holds it together – (TOP to BOTTOM)!!!
After [29] years of being joined to my EVE* – I understand the BEAUTY, MAJESTY & DIVINE PURPOSE that “TRUE LOVE” brings to the lives of two individuals who are in essence really ONE PERSON!!!
And without the CONCEPT* of ONENESS* – (just like our 1st parents) we will go wandering off in search of HAPPINESS* that does not EXIST* (and is merely an ILLUSION of what could be)…
AN EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK – “HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES”:
Love is patient and kind; it still has patience after having said something a hundred times.
Love is kind, envies no one and is not jealous: it does not try to compete with another person; it does not attempt to copy someone else.
Love is never boastful, conceited or proud: it does not show off; it does not say: look what I brought into our relationship! It does not emphasize its own achievements and it is not too proud to ask for forgiveness. It never says: without me you would be nothing!
Love is never rude or ill mannered because the other person is always seen as a creation of God, as a thought of God.
Love is not selfish: you exist for him and he exists for you and you both exist for God – only in that way will you find yourselves.
Love is not irritable or resentful.
Love is not quick to take offence: It does not say this is the last time… If you do that again… It forgives and persists. Its not dependent on the love of the other person.
Love does not keep a record of the wrongs of the other person.
Love can forget: it gives the other person a new start; it does not weigh down the other person with prejudices and accusations.
Love does not chalk up words said in anger and it does not use silence to force the other to act. It does not counter one wrong with another.
Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth: it does not cover up the wrong but clarifies, solves and forgives.
Love does not sell the truth just to obtain peace. It is never unjust and for love there is no truth without love. There is nothing love cannot face: It can face the person it does not understand; it can live in circumstances it cannot change; it can face the inevitable.
Love believes everything: it accepts the word of the other, even if it is exploited at times.
Love is not ironic: it means what it says.
Love has a limitless hope: it does not give up hope for the other person and when there is talk of a weak character or of the power of heredity love places Gods powerful unchanging love opposite to these.
Love endures everything: it can bear the impossible; it can bear the unjust; and when everything in life seems to topple – family, faith, profession and friends – love blooms like a great hope above the ruins.
Love will never come to an end. Never will love come to an end. To an end love will never come.
“Love will never end.â€
This puts marriage in perspective. I’ve never been married but I’m slowly thinking about marriage but I’m still in that selfish stage. I’m used to it being me and my kids. But I think a lot of times as women we don’t think about can we still cook his food after he has pissed us off, etc. Just like you said we romanticize what marriage is and when it doesn’t fulfill us like we thought we will easily check out and possibly cheat or divorce a month later. Thanks for this article. Made me think about what I thought marriage was and what I want out of it.
( Couldnt find the comment box…) however, just wanted to say…Thanks for this post…you have prepared my mindset towards the true concept of marriage. Thanks…
I loved the article, but I still have to ask: Why get married to someone who doesn’t make you happy? I’ve been with my husband for 14 years (married for 11) and it’s been a rough ride, in my opinion. I’m sure he feels differently. Things were great in the beginning, but now I feel lonely and like I’m just a room mate. We don’t spend any quality time together, and I’ve told my husband that this is an important part of marriage, but it dosen’t seem to register to him. I will honestly say that I was not a fan of marriage because I watched my parents argue and fight just about everyday, and I always said to myself, “If this is what marriage is supposed to be, then I want no part of it.” I guess God thought that I would be suited for marriage because of the sinful single life I was living. My husband was out doing the same thing when he was single, and by some strange way we ended up dating and eventually I got pregnant. That slowed us both down, and we had to become responsible adults immediately. He wanted to get married as soon as I told him about the baby, but I didn’t want to. I already wasn’t ready to be a mom, and I didn’t want to jump into something else I definitely wasn’t ready for. I finally decided to get married two years later, and I really believed that maybe this is what I’m supposed to be doing. We were happy and in love, but now I don’t feel that way anymore. My husband says that he’s still in love with me, but I don’t see how. I want this to work, but how do you fall back in love with your spouse whose vision of being in love with you is by paying bills? I pay bills too, Buddy! There’s no affection, intimacy or romance in our marriage AT ALL! I really do feel that God put us together to for a legitimate reason, but life is to short to be miserable.
The basis to a happy and succcessful marriage is God. My father told me 1/2 plus 1/2 equals a whole. But we cannot be complete without God first or we will find that problems will accrue…then what happens??? We pray together till it is resolved, only to find more isssues. Give your all to the Lord , letting him be your father, friend, lover, Lord (look up TD Jakes book Her Friend Her Lover and Her Lord). This enables us to learn how to love and what love is before we delve into a relationship, let alone marriage. a question left for society, What becomes of those in “common law” marriages? Is there a difference?
Definitely a good read, kudos to the author, a person I believe that understands true spirituality. The underlining point from the article in my opinion is this; only YOU can make yourself happy. As selfish as that may seem to fathom for most of you, it is IMPOSSIBLE to love anyone else if at first you do not love yourself. We(humans) never trust another person, we only trust our own opinions of what that person can, will or should do/be for us. The disappointment, anger, arguments and resentment in marriage comes when the significant other does something that breaks that mental image you’ve put on them.
Some of the comments above mirror what I’m about to say, but for those thinking about marriage…make sure you’re not looking at it through the rose petal glasses that the big screen displays it as, but with the realization that there is no script, no retakes and zero illusions. Marry another person not because you NEED them(you think) to make you happy, but because you want to share the rest of this adventure called life with that person-no matter how rough the journey may be.
To those married…happy or not…there is no way to have/maintain a solid relationship if you are not confident in who you are. The sooner you realize that the other person sharing the same bed, last name, children as you is NOT your other half, the closer you’ll be to making yourself the best person YOU can be. The less you’ll be disappointed by what they did or didn’t do. To generalize(since it’s late here), if you are unfullfilled, unhappy or not getting what you emotionally need(you think) in your marriage…take a nice long look in the mirror FIRST.