Someone was recently sharing with me that she was in a relationship where her husband cheated, and what she did to help in surviving infidelity. So, she decided to cheat as well and now, they are struggling to get past the situation. Learn more about this woman’s story and what exactly happens in a marriage after a spouse cheats.
Surviving Infidelity | Get Better, Not Even
- Cheating Will Not Help in Surviving Infidelity
- They Blame Their Spouse for the Affair
- There Is No Forgiveness
- Forgiveness as the First Step to Surviving Infidelity
- They Don’t Have Boundaries
- Surviving Infidelity Means Big Sacrifices
Cheating Will Not Help in Surviving Infidelity
She has moved forward and wants her marriage to work. When her husband becomes frustrated with the situation, he brings up her infidelity. The conversation becomes heated, they start fighting “dirty,” and create more problems than what they had at first. They aren’t talking to each other — they are talking at each other with no real communication.
Here are 3 reasons why this couple is not able to move past their affair.
They Blame Their Spouse for the Affair
When you are upset and you fight dirty, you might say things like “If you weren’t out chasing those women, I wouldn’t have had to step out.” There might be truth in that statement, but there is no accountability or responsibility in it.
Acknowledge to your spouse (multiple times, if necessary) that what you did was something you made the decision to do. It was wrong and you sincerely apologize. Show that you are cognizant that you were wrong — it was a conscious decision and it was a mistake which won’t happen again. The important takeaway here is that you hold yourself accountable to your spouse and you are sincere in your apology, and just as sincere in the fact it won’t happen again.
There Is No Forgiveness
This one is a tough one. There are times in situations like the one I described where we may have to forgive, yet we haven’t been forgiven. We have to make decisions to make a change in marriages. Marriage is worth fighting for. We know our marriages are worth the battle, so we have to fight in the best way we know how — with love, honor, and respect. We don’t forgive to be forgiven, we forgive because it’s the right thing to do. It may take time for your spouse to come around, if ever.
Forgiveness as the First Step to Surviving Infidelity
While this point is true, it’s irrelevant to the fact we must forgive, work to rebuild trust, learn again to respect your spouse, and honor the position they hold in our lives. If you want a chance to move forward beyond infidelity in marriage, you have to forgive. Here is what Dr. George James, licensed marriage and family therapist and BMWK Infidelity expert, says about forgiveness:
“The betrayal you’re experiencing is difficult, but are you working on your anger? Like I said, it’s okay to be angry in the beginning, but you should be working on it so it’s not as intense, especially if you’re the person who’s been betrayed. Try to think about what happened from your partner’s side. How can you forgive? How can you express what you want and need as you move forward? Don’t let your anger speak for you, ask for what you want.”
They Don’t Have Boundaries
If your husband has been stepping out on you, it goes without saying you’re going to have a hard time trusting him. If you have been “out on the town” so to speak, the same holds true for him. Back to the scenario which is the topic of the article, the husband continues to have the deeper struggle with moving forward. I think in this scenario, its key for them to agree to boundaries. If she has any connection to her former flame, it needs to be broken off.
Surviving Infidelity Means Big Sacrifices
This could be deeper than deleting a number out of a cell phone. This may mean changing jobs, churches, schools, or even moving to another neighborhood or city. If you have done something to break your spouse’s trust, it’s not going to be easy to regain. Make the point to set a boundary which works for them (may not work for you, but this is the consequence you must accept for your actions). Embrace the new boundary and respect it to the utmost.
The Steve TV Show talks about how a marriage can go about surviving infidelity:
You both made the decision to stay, which means you believe your marriage is worth fighting for. So, you both must do everything possible to bring the love, respect, and loyalty back to your marriage. Surviving infidelity is hard, but with compromise, you can reach an arrangement that will help both of you move on and repair your relationship.
Does the BMWK fam have anything to share on surviving infidelity? Let us know in the comments section.
Up Next: How Can I Help My Spouse Heal From My Infidelity?
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on February 17, 2017, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
I’ve tried and I will never be able to forgive my husband for cheating I honestly hate him and do not look at him the same
We are in the same boat. Read mary b. Morrison books. It will change your perspective. Goodluck sis. We are fighting a battle here
Felishia Wallace says
I have been with my husband for 10 years and it’s sad that I cannot say that there’s been a single year where I’ve been the only woman. He has not physically touched another woman that I know of but because of his sexual interactions and conversations with other women I have no faith that he will ever be honest or faithful to me. I no longer even look at my husband as a husband. I look at him and feel hurt and regret. And I’ve even given up on being the person to seek help because I’ve lost the desire to and I’ve lost faith in the principals of what I’ve admired about marriage. This is my second marriage and my longest relationship. I ended my last marriage because of infidelity as well and we were only married two years. I keep saying I did not get married to get divorced again but I didn’t get married to be Someone’s fool either. I’m truly lost and even lost faith in seeking the council of our ministers and pastors. Not sure where to go from here.