When I was growing up my mother owned “the look.” If this sounds at all familiar to anyone you might remember how frightening it could be. “The look” was that quick eye stare and tight lip face our parents gave that would easily stop us dead in our tracks. Whenever you experienced “the look,” you recognized right away that whatever you were doing in those moments had to end and you better quickly do the opposite. It usually appeared when we were in public and our parents could not get a hold of us like they wanted.
I realized I had a healthy fear of my mother. Meaning, I knew she was no nonsense and had high expectations for each of us and we better live up to those expectations or else. We received spankings and stern discussions whenever we fell out of line. We were nervous anytime we found ourselves in trouble at school and our mother had to be called. It would shut us down for the rest of the day. Our fear of going home and dealing with the consequences that came along with our actions that day were enough to trump everything else. I remember not even being able to concentrate on friends, fun or anything else when I reflected on the suffering I would experience in having to deal with my mother.
My mother’s methods of childrearing benefited us greatly. It kept my sisters and me focused and furnished us with the desire to avoid many of the pitfalls others in our community fell into. Today, parents have similar challenges but the world has changed quite a bit. The healthy fear and high regard for adults seem to have disappeared. More parents, than in the past, are building friendships with their children instead of building healthy parent/child relationships, which has resulted in many children not only disrespecting their parents, but also other adults. The village, unfortunately, is no longer as involved. It has gotten to the point where some adults actually fear the children. This is unhealthy.
We have to get back to those days where “the look” will immediately get the job done and where a child fears the repercussions that come along with their bad decisions. I remember a comedian sharing how children should fear parents and actually think their parents are just a little crazy. There has to be a collective effort on the parts of parents. We must continue to demand respect, not be afraid to set boundaries and build a healthy fear in our children. The fear I experienced as a child definitely shaped me into the responsible adult I am today.
ERICKA says
I agree! Great article!
Tiya says
Thanks Ericka!
Funches22400 says
Tiya, I am a 70’s kid so I totally remember “the look.” When I was growing up, every black mother I know had it down to a science. I also feared my mother. She didn’t play!! If she told us to do something, we got up and did it immediately. There was no talking back and asking why. I remember watching white sitcoms wishing I could be white just for a day so I could talk back. LOL!
With that being said, I have taken some of those same values and raised my twins. I use to give them “the look” when they were growing up and they knew exactly what it meant. I never had to tell them to do anything twice because I shouldn’t have to. I spanked them and anybody I left them with had permission to do so. I would never leave them with anybody I didn’t trust. Spankings did not ruin them. My girls are not violent or disrespectful because of it. To this day, at 19years old, when I tell them to do something, they jump up like a “Jack in the Box.” As a matter of fact, my daughter Nia said to me less than 24 hours ago, “Momma, one of the main reasons we turned out the way we did is because when you said something, you meant it! You spanked us, punished us and never went back on your word. You also made it clear to us that you would pop up at the school whenever you wanted to, so we knew early on we didn’t want to suffer any consequences for misbehavior.”
I can not tell you how frustrating it is to see kids walking around talking back to their parents and elders. Now a days, parents are afraid to say anything because the kids parents might get upset if you do. That never happened when I was a kid. They supported each other. I still take my chances. I tell em to pull their pants up, stop cussing, be respectful of elders, etc. I have even been know to grab a couple kids in church and tell them to sit down. I don’t care if they dont like me. I will definitely be the lady that kids remember when their telling stories to their kids.
I know several relatives and friends who made excuses for why their kid did “XYZ.” They never made their kids responsible for their actions and used the excuse that “ABC” didn’t like their child. That is B.S. and I have seen time and time again how BAD the kid turned out.
How is it that a single parent, who grew up in Robert Taylor Projects, raise two beautiful girls SUCCESSFULLY on her own (with God’s help) from the time she was nineteen? Easy!! Set expectations, show love, support, discipline and continue to give “the look” as a reminder who’s Boss!
Tiya says
Tanya,
I absolutely love your comment and I agree 100%! That is part of the problem today parents are defending their children when they are dead wrong. When I was growing up parents had each other’s back. If an adult my mom knew said I did something wrong, my mother trusted their word and gave me the punishment I deserved. They stuck together. I do miss those days.
Cheryl says
I totally agree, my sister! So many parenting advice outlets have led people to believe that it is somehow wrong for children to fear their parents. I remember being afraid of doing stupid things in high school (cutting class, parties with alcohol) because of what the consequence of my mom finding out. Your kids don’t need to be afraid to breathe around you, but they do need to understand that there are standards they have to live up to, or else…
Doesn’t the bible say “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of widsom”?
Tiya says
Cheryl, thank you! I completely agree.
Elle says
I have to say I’ve just discovered this website, don’t have children (yet) and have gotten lost in the pages of great stories and memories. With that said, I have an interesting situation. I’m african american and was adopted by white parents. While my mother had different methods, “the look” is still something I know all too well – my best friend (who was african american from a “traditional” family) taught me all about “the look” – and I learned quickly that it meant just as much coming from her mother as it did mine – maybe even more.
I say that to say that the idea of a community raising a child, especially in the days when you do see so many “non-traditional” families is more important than you may realize. My parents are amazing and wonderful and did a great job, however if it wasn’t for the parents of my friends – I may not have had the opportunity to learn from the village that raised me – especially as I grew to learn exactly what it means to be an african american woman in today’s society. I’m lucky and I can only hope that the culture of a village raising a child is not something that’s completely dissipated by the time I’m bringing a life into this world.
Thanks for writing!
Tiya says
Thank you for sharing!
Wendy says
I agree with this article 100%. Not only did the look keep me in line when my mother was around but kept me out of trouble when she wasn’t. Funny as others wrote I was afraid of the consequences and didn’t follow along with the crowd in drinking etc.
As an adult her words, as well as, my grandmothers still keep me in check! lol! Finally, “the fear of Jehovah is the beginning of wisdom” and their teaching me to only follow him has kept me from harms way right to this day.
Thank you for the great article and inspiring comments!
Murdell says
Totally agree, I remember the look, especially in church as a child, I would be talking to my friends and not listening or paying attention to what is going on in church, my mom would just turn around and gave me that straight and stern look, and I know exactly what she meant, I remember my nephew was talking and doing other things in church and my mom keep looking at him, and he keep ignoring her, my mom just get up and go and take him by the hand and pull him up, take him and let him sit beside her, that was the end of the matter, my nephew did not even turn his head to glance at his friends, he just sit there and stay still until church finish.
So yes I rememember those days, and yes it help to keep you on the right path, you won’t go where you weren’t sent, you won’t take what is not yours, you won’t disrespect your elders, most of all you will never disrespect your parents, why because we will always remember that look. ????