Let’s say you meet a man who has everything you’ve been praying for.
- He’s handsome.
- He’s educated.
- He’s kind.
- He’s stable in every way.
The dates are exciting, and after a few months find yourself becoming attached to him. But then, things change. There’s friction and distance as you notice some serious incompatibilities that you can’t get past. After 6 months of talking, things come to an end. You’re hurt and disappointed, so you take a break from dating for 6 months. Before you know it, a whole year has passed, and you’re back at square one: still single! You’re a year older, and when you look down at your ring finger, it’s still empty. Pressure, anxiety and hopelessness sets in and you decided dating is just not worth putting your heart on the line.
If you’re the kind of sister who likes to date one man at a time because you’re afraid of looking thirsty or desperate, I’ve got to warn you: you are wasting your time! Here are 5 reasons why:
1. You Put Too Much Pressure On Men to Reveal Their Intentions On Date Number One
When you date one man at a time, you put too much pressure on men (and yourself) to somehow know if this person is your life partner on a first date. I know you don’t want to waste your time, so you interrogate men to figure out if they want love and marriage or if they just want to hook up. While some guys are just playing around and aren’t honest about their intentions, most men won’t tell you upfront if they want a wife. Why? Because they don’t want you to think they’re saying YOU are the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, how can they know that from one coffee date? They want time to figure out who you are (and that’s a GOOD thing).
2. You Assume That A Few Great Dates Mean You’re In A Real Relationship
An exciting date with lots of chemistry and attraction doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a relationship. The problem is you ACT like you’re in a relationship, limiting your options before you even know if you’re headed in the same direction. You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, sis, because he has no obligation to commit just because you feel like you have a connection.
3. You Get Emotionally Attached Before You Get To Exclusivity
You need to be open with the man you’re dating, but don’t get emotionally attached until you’re exclusive. And you’re not exclusive until you hear the words, “I only want to date you,” and you’ve both discussed your relationship requirements and needs.
4. You Put Your Life On Hold While You Wait For Him To Figure Out What He Wants
You’ve been seeing each other for months now, but every time you ask him “what are we doing?” he claims you’re pressuring him. Your fertility clock is ticking and you’re worried he may not really want marriage, but you back off because you don’t want to lose him.
Putting your life on hold makes you lose your confidence. You’re settling for less by waiting for him to figure out what he wants, instead of giving yourself your own desires by continuing to meet men who are willing to give you the commitment you deserve.
5. You Stick It Out Even When You Discover He’s Not The One Because You Invested So Much Time Into The Relationship Already
As a dating coach, I’ve heard from so many sisters who have told me they spent 5, 10, and even 20 years in a relationship that they knew wasn’t right for them. They stayed because walking away would mean facing the harsh reality that they’d invested the best time of their life with someone who never wanted to build a real life with them.
There’s another way to date that can keep you off the emotional roller coaster of the “I-think-I-met-my-husband-on-date-number-2–ops-you-aren’t-the-one-I’m-brokenhearted-now-I’ve-got-to-start-over” cycle that drags your heart through the ringer and wastes your time.
The answer is to date casually, meeting lots of different men until you meet someone who is compatible and also desires love and commitment like you do. Dating more than one person at a time frees you from the pressure of figuring to if you’ve met your husband from a first text. And going out with a variety of men helps you get clear on the right man is for you. You’ll stop giving away your power, hoping a man chooses you, and instead exercise the right to be selective about who can win your heart.
BMWK single ladies, if you’re serious about relationships, are you willing to date casually?