By: Saretha Pyant
Break-ups suck!! There, I said it…it’s one of the most heart wrenching experiences one can endure because it’s a pain that heals only with time. In the midst of heartache comes depression which, depending on the length of the relationship and an individual’s coping mechanism, can range from days to weeks to months.
You can’t eat, sleep, or think about hardly anything except the person that left you like yesterday’s news and how you’re going to move forward. However, in the moment, moving forward seems impossible because all you can do is cry, eat, drink, or smoke (for some all four is a party for one).
Break-ups are not the end of the world. Although it feels like it, it can actually be the beginning of a new you.
First, the break-up recovery process is synonymous with the grieving process. It may sound silly, but you are grieving the loss of your relationship.
- Denial: This is the phase in which you go cold turkey with calls, texts, emails, etc. The relationship has come to an end and you have each stated your last case. The phrase “It’s Over” just won’t sink in for you. Only the happy memories float to the top of your mind, and you find yourself wondering why you can only remember the good about your ex.
- Bargaining/waiting it out: If your ex has moved on to another relationship, you hope that they realize that their new partner is not you and comes running back to you claiming that they made a huge mistake. The longer you wait, the more you realize and begin to accept that they have someone new in their life. You’re constantly replaying your relationship in your head, attempting to figure out where you went wrong and what you could have done differently.
- Depression: This phase seems to last longer than the others because, in my opinion, it runs concurrently throughout the cycle until you approach acceptance. When you are feeling depressed, it’s important to acknowledge that you are depressed. Acknowledgement increases awareness to make an informed decision on how you will choose to handle it. Be fair to yourself by allowing time to be sad and cry if you need to; but also begin to incorporate positive activities as well such as going to the gym, going for a walk, or going out with friends.
- Anger: After weeks of mentally replaying your relationship and perhaps blaming yourself, you begin to realize that your mate has left you. They walked out of your life completely with little to no remorse, and here you are sulking over them while they’re out living their life – and possibly with someone new.
- Acceptance: Everyone has the right to decide who they want to commit to. You can only respect their decision and move forward. You begin to realize that perhaps that person’s chapter in your book is over. You can smile at the good memories and grow from the not so great ones. You hold out hope for true love because it ALMOST felt nice; then, you can only imagine what the right fit feels like.
With acceptance comes the desire, as it did for me, to make it to the other side.
- The side where he is a fleeting thought
- The side where I am much stronger and wiser than before
- The side where I no longer replayed our relationship in my head trying to decipher what I could have done differently
- The side where I could care less who she is and why he chose her over me
- More importantly the side where I chose ME
Choosing me involves allowing the circumstance to be exactly what it is and realizing that anyone who freely chooses to walk out of my life, did so of their own volition. He did not choose me…but I did.
Utilize this time for deep introspection in order to discover your true authentic self. Find out who you really are, your likes and dislikes, what you want your life to look like, your relationships, and your career. “You attract what you are” translates into the understanding that you are a mirror of the people that you attract into your life. If you want healthier relationships, then you must begin with the person in the mirror.
BMWK, what things have you done to make it through a break-up?
Saretha Pyant is a Certified Life Coach, specializing in lifestyle management and relationship coaching. She received her bachelor’s degree in psychology from Clark Atlanta University. Saretha decided to follow her passion of helping individuals build and maintain healthy relationships because she knows first hand how imperative healthy relationships are in contributing to the overall progression of personal development. Follow her on Twitter: @thesarethanicole IG:@thesarethanicle