Once you think you’ve found “the one,” you feel like you are on cloud nine. Knowing that you’ve met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is amazing!

You know how people always say, “I just knew,” when it comes to figuring out if someone is “the one.” Well I think there is some truth to that, but it’s actually a little more involved. I think the man you’re with exhibits a number of qualities that allows you to see a future with him. Seeing those qualities in action time and time again is really how you know.

I didn’t wake up one day to a random gut feeling that told me to marry my husband. I decided to marry him because he showed me who he was through his actions, and I realized that he’s the man I would love to build my life with. Of course, there were butterflies, and, of course, I listened to my gut. But the final decision about him being “the one” was deeper than just those two things.

Determining whether or not you should spend the rest of your life with someone isn’t easy. And unfortunately, love tends to get in the way when it’s time to make that decision. Love is, of course, a major factor we all need to consider, but love isn’t enough.

You can love someone who isn’t good for you. You can love someone who doesn’t treat you well. You can love someone that won’t make you happy years from now. Love feels good, and it matters so much, but love alone doesn’t mean you’ve found “the one.”

So before you go claiming that the man in your life is “the one,” consider these nine questions.

1. Is he possessive?
Possessiveness is not a sign of love and concern; it’s a sign of control. A possessive man may soon exhibit other behaviors that you don’t want to see from the man you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

2. Does he help you when you need help?
Someone who truly loves you doesn’t just watch you struggle. Sure, he may not be able to read your mind, but he should be willing to help if you ask him to.

3. Does he care about your family?
Even if your family is annoying, your man should still care about the people you care about. He may not show his love for them in the ways that you do, but if someone in your family is in trouble, he should be there to help.

4. Does he consider your needs?
When he’s about to eat, does he ask if you are hungry? If he’s out running errands, does he check to see if you need anything? Do your needs matter to him? Every man for himself is cute on a pirate ship, but not in a partnership.

5. Is he a provider?
This does not mean you are unable to provide for yourself. It means that your man understands his role as a provider, and he’s there for whatever you need—financial and otherwise.

6. Will he be a good father?
If you plan to have a family with this man, do not ignore this question. Does he possess the character traits of a good dad? If he has children from a previous relationship, does he have a strong bond with them?

7. Has he ever been violent with you?
This should be a deal breaker. Love won’t heal a violent relationship. If your man has ever placed his hands on you (yes, even if it was just once), please turn to people you love and trust, so they can help you make the best decision for your future.

8. Does he ever make your feel small?
Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. If your man makes you feel dumb, worthless or small, he can’t possibly be “the one.”

9. Does he make you better?
A relationship should add something to your life. If you don’t feel like your partner brings out the best in you, maybe he’s not the right partner for you.

BMWK ladies, what are some other things you can do to help you decide if the man in your life is “the one.”