Why She Stays

“Why does she stay?” Both the woman and the man have a ‘why’ that begs an answer, the woman even more so than the man. The cheating man benefits from his actions. That is not a justification of the appalling ignoble acts of men that abuse the privilege to love a woman. It’s merely a statement of an unfortunate fact. It’s too easy and over-simplifying to say that it’s a matter choice. That response is dismissive. It looks no further for an understanding of why someone would make a choice that offers them no benefit. Neither does it give a reason why a particular choice is made when better choices are available to make. Here are three reasons given that we will explore for understanding.

Fear of Being Alone

Atop the list of reasons women continue in relationships with cheating men is a fear of being alone according to some findings. One must question the truthfulness of this answer. I’m not suggesting that the woman that gives this response is lying at all. Instead, I would submit that her response is one heavily influenced by emotions that leave her distraught and in despair.

The effects of her emotional state are exacerbated when her experiences are repeated in one relationship after another. The real truth is that she doesn’t fear being alone as much as she fears the thought of rejection from another man that she has given her all to only to be made to feel inadequate. She would choose to feel alone in a relationship that offers her familiarity rather than one that offers her hope for a love that she has only dreamed of, but never known.

I Can Change Him

Recently, this reason surfaced in a couple of different conversations I was engaged in. These were the words spoken to me in one conversation. “We want the bad boys because we think we can change them.” This is a true mission of hope (lessness). The act of changing him is in fact an effort to save him. The “Savior’s Complex” is often misunderstood. A woman’s attempt to save her bad boy is primarily a means to show that she is worthy of his love.

If she can save him, she can establish that her value outweighs those of his other dalliances. Unfortunately, this is an exercise in futility. Indeed, she deserves the love and devotion of a man, but should never expect to find love with a man who cheats. He has a misunderstanding of his role as a man. Manhood is predicated on behavior. Just as a tree is known by its fruit, a man is known by his actions. A woman will never experience love from a man who disregards one of the very tenets upon which love is founded, trust.

He’s Just Being a Man

For authentic men across the world, this is probably the most heart-breaking but, also offensive response ever given. Authentic men take issue with this mischaracterization being associated with genuine manhood. The acceptance of this premise would seem to legitimize illegitimate behavior. That is just as much a contradiction as the behavior it seeks to explain. At the heart of this idea is a woman who only wants to make sense of that which is nonsense. She deserves better. Her heart only wants an explanation for the pain it must endure.

For the sake of clarity in the event it was missed, there are absolutely no justifiable reasons for a man to ever cheat on a woman. Infidelity is a deceitful act of cowardice and betrayal. Even when a woman accepts such degrading treatment, it never absolves a man of his responsibility for the harm he inflicts upon her and the subsequent damage that usually follows in succeeding relationships with the men that follow.

There are no good reasons for a woman to continue dating a man that demonstrates, his behavior, that he is a poor choice for a relationship. Her continued involvement with him will only serve to shape and contaminate her beliefs about men in general. Her beliefs about men will conform to her repeated negative experiences.

Why she stays should only be because she has been found by a man who loves her in the true essence of the word and shows in his deeds. In love, there is no separation between words and actions. One speaks no louder than the other. They are one. Cheating does not exist in this space.

BMWK, have you ever stayed with a man who cheated?