I am always hopeful for couples who reach out to me by asking questions or scheduling appointments for couple’s coaching. It’s a definite sign the relationship is a priority and their desire is to make it work. I recently received an interesting, but also honest question from someone who was beginning to lose the attraction for their spouse. The fact they even cared about maintaining an attraction, instead of seeking it elsewhere, was honorable. A large part of this person’s concern was centered around a desire to create better intimacy with their spouse. However, their biggest anxiety was the images of celebrities and exes whenever there was intimacy between them and their partner. Unfortunately, fantasizing about others while making love to your spouse happens too often in marriage.
There are several reasons we begin to allow images of others into our bedroom. Not being attracted to our partner, feeling overwhelmed and not having our needs met during intimacy are just a few. I’ve heard countless individuals express guilt over losing that attraction. The only time one should feel guilty is when they aren’t honest with their spouse and take an action they later regret. I always recommend communicating clearly and frequently with our mates. Even when our attraction or lack thereof relates to the physical.
Life, in general, brings about changes. Sometimes our physical being changes and occasionally so do our needs and desires. When our partner gains weight, loses weight, suffers from hair loss or from any other physical transformation, it can be challenging to maintain the same level of interest. When it’s lost, we search for ways to keep ourselves turned on. In many situations it isn’t our spouse who does the turning on.
Some spouses may not care what gets their mate excited as long as they’re in the mood. However, visualizing another, while making love to your spouse, isn’t healthy for a marriage. It may seem innocent at first, but it can actually lead to infidelity and the destruction of our marriage if we aren’t careful.
The bedroom in a marriage can easily become a boring place if both partners fail at putting forth the necessary effort to keep it adventurous. In order to keep the focus on your spouse in those passionate moments, you must first address the issues. If it’s weight related, an honest conversation must be had with your spouse. Asking your partner what they need to get healthy and fit as well as encouraging him/her along the way is key. You can motivate and join them in eating healthy and exercising
If the issue is an ex who knew exactly how to please you sexually, you must shift the focus off of them and onto your partner. Using what you enjoyed most about that part of the relationship and incorporating it into the marriage isn’t being dishonest. It’s actually bringing more of what you like into the lovemaking. Why shouldn’t you be satisfied? Just because it may have been experienced with another first, doesn’t mean you and your spouse can’t enjoy one another the same way. Also when visualizing the wonderful sex that may have been shared with an ex, you must also be reminded of all that went wrong in that relationship. You are exes for a reason. Remembering the heartbreak and the real reason the relationship ended is helpful. More than likely, not much has changed. So they are still that person who either walked away from you or who you had to walk away from.
Our spouse should be our one and only. They should be given every opportunity to please us sexually. In order for them to do that, they must be clear on what turns us on and whether or not we still find them attractive. If we don’t, we must be honest and work with them on being the partner we desire.
BMWK, what advice would you give someone who is no longer attracted to their spouse?
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