As a spouse we should feel safe and secure in our marriage. There should rarely be a moment where we experience thoughts of doubt or anxiety over whether or not our spouse is still attracted to us. After the birth of children, weight gain, loss and aging, it’s no wonder we sometimes feel threatened or unsure of where we stand with our partner.
Unfortunately, today, it’s easier than ever to stay connected with people from the past and even create new friendships, all unbeknownst to our spouse. We have to be more aware than ever when friendships, words and actions begin to cross the line and head down a dangerous flirtatious path.
Attention from those outside of our marriage can be flattering. Feeling like we still “got it” is a natural response to an ex proclaiming how good time has been to us. While we may see it as being harmless, there are quite a few challenges that surface as a result of flirting while married. As adults we are able to handle the unwanted advances that come our way, but what should we do when someone flirts with our spouse?
When I think of this topic I am always inspired by a friend of a friend who gracefully handled someone flirting with her husband. The friend of a friend’s husband was a little league coach of a boy’s baseball team. Recently, a single mom of one of the boys that the husband coached approached the husband and asked him out. The husband, while flattered, thanked her for the offer but reminded the mom he was married. To which she asked “but are you happily married”.
The husband of course answered he definitely was and thought that was the end of it. Again, the mom asked him out, and a few times after. During the course of this mom’s unwanted advances, the husband eventually shared everything with his wife. The wife’s response is one we all can learn from. As you may have guessed, she did confront the single mom. However, she approached her as an adult, with words of wisdom, instead of tearing her down. She shared with the single mom that she understands the challenges that come along with being single and raising a child. The wife also stated that she understood the attraction the mom had toward her husband. It made sense to her, because her husband is attractive and a wonderful man.
The wife went on to express to the single mom, that she too could find a man just like him, but she should search for one that would be solely committed to her and not belong to someone else. Because this single mom deserved the same kind of happiness the wife had experienced, but she shouldn’t cheat herself by trying to create a relationship with someone so unavailable. The mom understood and no longer flirted with that husband.
Now I don’t know very many individuals who could’ve handled this situation as maturely as this wife did. We have natural responses that come with someone flirting with our spouse, and they usually aren’t as compassionate. If we aren’t careful, this type of flirting can cause serious challenges between us and our spouse. When we find ourselves wondering exactly what course of action to take in moments like this, and before we go “all hell-to-the-naw” here are some suggestions.
1. Communicate your initial concerns with your spouse. No matter how silly they may seem, we want our spouse on alert so they can properly handle the situation.
2. Don’t be so quick to accuse your spouse of anything. Just because someone flirts with our spouse it doesn’t mean they are flirting back. Conversations don’t typically go as well when we start them off in an accusatory tone.
3. Don’t shut down or mistreat your spouse if they haven’t done anything wrong.
4. Don’t be too surprised. The same thing that attracted you is also attractive to others. Who wouldn’t want a handsome or beautiful good man or woman.
5. Use it as a reminder to give life to your marriage. When we relax in our relationships, it gives others the opportunity to creep in and do the things we’ve neglected.
6. Don’t pull off the earrings and put on the boxing gloves just yet. It’s natural to want to defend our position, but violence serves no one and can cause very serious repercussions. We must handle grown up difficulties like grown ups. If your spouse is having a challenge communicating why the behavior is inappropriate to the offender, help him/her out in a mature, non-confrontational way. Handling the situation in the way mentioned above is ideal, not always easy, but definitely ideal. Otherwise help your spouse put the correct words together to carefully deal with it.
7. Trust your partner. The worst thing we can do is feed into the flirting, allowing it to alter our relationship.
It can be really difficult to deal with someone else’s attraction to our partner. How we choose to react will have either a negative or positive impact on our marriage. If you’re aiming for the positive, the steps above will definitely serve you well.
BMWK, have you ever had to deal with someone flirting with your spouse? If so, how did you handle it?
Yes to all! This is a great article and it’s always refreshing to see grown folks handling things like grown folks should. Bravo.
Thanks T. Espinoza!
Why did she confront the woman, her husband wasn’t man enough to handle his business if you ask me. All that man had to do was not allow that child back on the team next season and that would have been the end to that. Also, it’s really apparent how you stressed she was a “single mom”, so again lets pit “single women” against “married women”. I’m a married women and if some man approached me with those intentions, I would spit fire at him so bad he wouldn’t won’t to approach me ever again period! I had a situation like this at my church, a “married deacon” with children keep eyeing me and finding opportunities to approach me and speak to me with mundane conversation. I knew what he was up to and me being a married women stressed that to him, well not really stressed I cussed his nasty behind out and completely embarrassed him in front of a large crowd of church members . Now I’m not sure which version he gave his wife, but she and her mother are giving me the evil eye every Sunday. So, it’s two sides to every story, but before she takes her husband side and before she decided to nicely read this “single mom” she should have asked that woman did her husband flirt with the “single mom” first and then when it got out of hand he ran and told his wife because the situation he caused got out of hand.
Thanks so much for the comment. I think because of the end result, with the other woman being so receptive to the feedback, it doesn’t sound like the husband was at fault. I only used the term single mom to distinguish the two women, not to pit them against one another. Also, the term single mom was used during their conversation, as the wife explained how hard it can be to be a single mom.
I agree with Tiya. If the husband had initiated the flirting I think that would have come out in the conversation between both women. In my opinion the single mom’s response after the discussion confirms this.
Wow, you just created an entirely different scenario in your head, and let us know your way of handling things differently is to cuss people out.
You need to practice self awareness and also not read over things that are presented. The way you handle things isn’t the only way to handle situations and, not everything written has underlying meanings (ie referring to the mom as a single mom); that’s how she was able to meet and speak with the coach. If she was married, I’m sure that would’ve been stated as well.
Im glad you said this…i felt anger starting to stur inside of me.This is a lesson i have learnt for sure! Wow…
Once again, black women back biting one another over a man. I have seen this so many times it just sickens me. I remember my days in under graduate school at an HBCU in the early 90’s and how our beautiful black women were fighting over the small number of black men in school there and allowing themselves to be disrespected because it was such a shortage of black men. If only black women would just open up their dating pool to other educated men of other races they would have a wider selection of men to date and a better chance of getting married. Black women wake up!
The article touches on a reality most of us experience at one time or another in our marriages. I definitely do not see this as a situation of women against women or back biting. I see it as a learning curve for all women. I was a single parent for 4 years before I met my husband. My dating rules were simple: no married men. I valued myself too much to compromise that requirement or share with another woman, especially one with whom I could never compete. I have now been married five years. My Love is a good man; he is also very handsome and financially successful. As can be expected, women flirt with him and likewise, men with me (I mirror his positive attributes). I used to get angry because I felt disrespected and could not understand why any woman would pursue a married man until the single men started hitting on me and my husband showed me how to deal with them. Now, instead of getting fired up, both my husband and I respond similar to the wife in the article. We realize its just as important to let others know we value our relationship as it is to show each other. It is equally valuable to encourage others towards their own successful relationships.
Great Read, that was an awesome comment. Thank you.
Why are black women so insecure? If your husband is not interested (Are you sure he not interested?)why do you need to check the single mom at all? Why are you letting this worry you? Are you afraid she is going to kidnap him and force him to go out with her? And why can’t your husband a grown azz man handle this situation himself. He does not have to entertain this woman or her foolishness. I’m guessing his reluctance to do so is directly related to her attractiveness. Honey please get your life. Are you going to follow him around and check (albeit oh so nicely)every woman who shows interest in him? Get it together. Stop being so insecure.
Since this is second hand information the author of this piece received, we really don’t know what happened between these two women in their verbal exchange, maybe the wife cleaned up her version to compensate for her husbands flirting. However, I do see a few red flags here. For one, how did the women who allegedly pursued this man not know he was married, where was his wedding ring. I understand he might not have wore his wedding ring because of the training, but at some point don’t they have awards ceremonies for these little kids who compete on these teams. Secondly, at some point this married man should have had his ring on, thirdly he wife never came to one of these teams games…. One thing I have learned from these little league coaches they have ample amount of single women to have affairs with and they take full advantage of it. Trust me, I know one women who has a baby by a married little league football coach, and she later found out he had another baby around the time her daughter was born from a another single women who’s son was on the team also, their kids have a three month age gap, and guess what, the wife stayed with him through it all. Silly women will never learn.
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I think he did address her when he reminded her a few times that he was happily married. Why would he EVER punish a child *who obviously don’t have a male role model in his life) because the mom is desperate for attention. Sometimes and especially when that woman knows the guy is unavailable, the significant other should step up and intervene. Her husband was clearly uncomfortable with her attention.
Too, if you don’t want to hear from me – stay out of my husband’s face.
You made some good points but the article did say the husband reminded the women he was married, so she did know. He reminded her to offer a reason for not accepting her advances. To say he was not wearing a ring is an assumption. It is possible for a man and woman to be mature in these situations. Real or fiction..this article made some good points.
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I’m a white single mom writing in to say this in no way is confined to problems for black families or to single women intrusions. Had a married woman flirt with my guy right in front of my face at “our” party several months ago. It was his work friend’s wife, a younger childless couple (we each have children from our first marriages, none together). That couple walked in like I didn’t even exist, and the first thing she did was snake up around his shoulders and plant a kiss right on him. Both she and her husband were stupefied when I stepped forward and introduced myself. After our other (good friends) guests arrived, she did something similar in front of me and the other wives — obviously enough that one did announce “oh hell to the naw”. I was horrified as the hostess and the one unmarried woman there.
I steered clear of this work couple for the next eight hours — eight! — then ultimately threw them out after our friends had left. These two would have stayed until next day if I hadn’t, and our kids needed to go to bed. This caused all kinds of crazy between me and my guy, but I’m not sorry for drawing the line. I’m 46 and have never encountered that kind of intrusion before, had no idea how to cope or address it gracefully. Your story is a great example and I’d say I’ll use it if I see this again, but the fact is that I have just put a hard boundary around that friend and his wife. I won’t have them in my family space again, period.
I had a young lady approach my husband and began to talk to him with her friend,as I watched her paw his forearm and give him a compliment and smiled at him. I graciously walked over and it was obvious to me she made him feel very uncomfortable and he was not welcoming her advances. I said “honey we have a small emergency in the kitchen can you help me out?” We talked about it at home and we made a plan that if she approaches him again he asked if I can just walk up and stand next to him and put my arm around his forearm.She made a few more attempts but I noticed he was more effectionate with me in front of her. A kiss on my cheek or my lips,he would put his arm around me .I felt like I was in high school again with my “knew boyfriend” he would hold my waist. She got more aggressive and started walking in front of him alot so he would notice her. What i seen him do was he would turn his head the opposite of her direction. It was as if she was jealous. Eventually she backed off. She was attractive and cute and she knew it. Unfortunately we are in a position were we have to work with this person and see her all the time. I love my husband and this experience made me love him more and respect him more and trust was enforced. Sometimes you have to team up on these aggressive kinda people. I came out the winner,I got the respect, and I didn’t have to slam anyone if you all get my drift. And she will not cross the line anymore . I still see her and I say hi and am cordual to her. But that’s it. She got the Point.
Women are the devil. Always they’re saying I’ll leave my husband for you. All they want is the pork sword. No emotional loving just physical harrumph huhh! Over being treated like a peice of meat.
Women flirt way too much for their own good.