by Delano Squires
A few people have asked me why a childless, single man writes for a blog called Black and Married with Kids. My response is that I write for this blog because there is a need for male voices to be heard in conversations related to love, intimacy, relationships, and family. Last week Aja Dorsey Jackson penned a thought-provoking post that addressed this very issue by discussing the lack of relationship advice specifically written for men. She also pointed out that women often endure the majority of criticism when relationships fail to work as planned.
That piece made me wonder whether the shortage of relationship advice targeted at men is due to the perception that relationships, marriage, and family are not considered to be core aspects of masculinity. There has been a lot of talk lately about the holistic condition of men. Some people believe the traditional masculine image is an endangered species due to a number of factors, including 1) the current recession’s disproportionate effect on jobs and sectors traditionally dominated by men, 2) educational, employment, and economic gains by women, and 3) the difficult circumstances in which many men find themselves due to depression, alcoholism, homelessness, etc. Prevailing wisdom dictates that it is difficult for men to be effective in relationships when they do not feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. This is not to say that there are no outlets that offer relationship advice for men. One self-described expert on Essence online feels he has found the key: “All relationships and marriages are either successful or they fail based solely on the leadership of the man.” The author also states “men are the problems in relationships, not women.” This author’s perspective is on the opposite end of the spectrum from those who imply that the bad behavior of men in relationships is due primarily to female shortcomings. This school of thought produces articles that give women advice on how to ‘keep’ their man from cheating. Both paradigms ultimately fall short because they treat the opposite sex as objects in a relationship instead of fully-engaged, self-determined actors. For example, a man has no more power to counteract a wounded woman’s propensity for relationship self-sabotage than a woman has to keep faithful a man who can never find contentment in a monogamous relationship. While I agree that there are things that a man and woman can do to mutually strengthen their relationship, these are tools and strategies rooted in partnership, not paternalism. We do ourselves a disservice when we go into relationships believing we can either mold our partners into an image that suits our tastes or control their actions so as to prevent disappointment.
The extent to which men are comfortable with their roles in society will ultimately impact their ability to properly function in relationships. If the traditional embodiment of masculinity is indeed on the decline, it is possible we will look back at this period in history and see that it opened a space for men to rethink the defining elements of manhood. Maybe we are reaching a point where a father who chooses to take advantage of paternity leave to care for a young child will be seen as just as much of a man as the father who sacrifices family time to doggedly pursue his career. Perhaps a new generation of men will no longer define themselves by possessions, positions, titles, or other tangible social and economic markers but instead by less measurable traits, such as integrity, honesty, commitment, faithfulness, resilience, and determination. It is important for the next generation of men to know that profession does not equal purpose, and that a man should be as much of an active contributor to the development of his relationship and family as he is to the development of his career. Men have been socialized to believe that their primary contribution to the home should be economic but I have often found that physical presence and quality time are much more valuable to loved ones than material goods and expensive gifts. Wives, girlfriends, and children have always seen men as more than a paycheck”“now it’s time that men do the same.
BMWK, do you think the traditional male image is on the decline? What does manhood mean to you? How would you finish the following sentence: “Real men…”
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
BMWK, do you think the traditional male image is on the decline?
Yes I think that the traditional male image is on the decline. I think, even more important, the image of the competent man is almost non-exisistent. The images that are being broadcast and rebroadcast are of the man who is unable to take care of himself, has no sense of purpose, no ability to plan. We see the father as the bumbling guy who can’t fix anything, not make any kind of substantive decision, and is awkward around his children. We see the husband who fears his wife, doesn’t serve his family, doesn’t lead, and is disengaged.
How would you finish the following sentence: “Real men…â€
I had this conversation with one of my god-daughters, back in April, in regards to her boyfriend. We were discussing what a real man was and what she should be looking for. I referred her to a message that I had listened to about biblical manhood and the notes I had taken on it. You can see it here https://blog.gods-man.com/2010/04/gods-man-biblical-manhood.html
The short answer is this, a Real Men is committed to
1. Living within a set of standards/principles. For me this is following Christ’s example.
2. Working hard to provide for himself and his family.
3. Making his Family a priority.
I love the question you asked your god-daughter, “Real men……..” It makes you stop and think instead of blindly accepting society’s perception of what a real man is?
I think its a question we should ask all our young ladies and men.
Great comment, this is the exact kind of thing are next film will focus on.
As a woman i think “manhood” is on the decline for the same reasons as “gods_man” touches on….also, the feminist movement has made men – fathers/husbands/brothers etc “accesories” in the media and the feminization of boys (manhood being taught by women is an ultimate fail)…who grow into confused MEN…the roles of men changing doesnt appear to be the issue for me…it seems to be gender role “confusion” that is causing lots of chaos…women coming to the relationship with male/masculine traits/characteristics and men coming with female/feminine characteristics is wreaking havoc on our family structure
Authentic manhood must be on the hearts and minds of everyone this week…I definitely believe this is a divine arrangement rather than pure coincidence. I hope the ensuing discussions are truly profitable.
“The extent to which men are comfortable with their roles in society will ultimately impact their ability to properly function in relationships.”
I agree to dis-agree.
Being raised by a single Nubian female way before it was all the rage. I made a promise to myself on one of many nights of overhearing my Mother crying about her situation and being overwhelmed by it. I would NEVER have my kids grow up like this. My Mother didn’t do everything Right. But she also didn’t do everything Wrong either. She just never sought out guidance from someone that has “Been-There-Done-That”.
I continue even to this day. To look for and lean on “Successful Nubian Couples”. Not the richest. Not the flashiest. But couples that have already passed the test of time. The one underlying theme across all of them over the years has been. Don’t get your marriage advice from single or divorced people. What do they really know about it, anyway? Well 27yrs with my Bestie, through the fire and the rain of which 21yrs married. I would have to say that I have never been “comfortable” in my role of being “Black&MarriedwithKids”.
While we all Love our President and the First Lady, Mr. Washington and his wife and last but not least Ossie Davis & Ruby Dee. I start with the man in the mirror. I seek to be comfortable with my Wife and children. Not my role in society. “Black&Marriedwithkids” after all, JUST got COOL for everyone else. Like the 60’s & early 70’s we as a people must look to ourselves to bring about the changes in our relationships. Not society.
(define yourself and make your own role)
*Through the Fire -Chaka Khan
*The Man in the Mirror -Michael Jackson
Definately not the end of men, but the generation that my son, at age 25 is a part of is having to define manhood for themselves all too often. I and my son are blessed that I’m married to a man who, while not my son’s biological father, has been more of a father and role model to him than anyone else in his life. I was blessed to choose a great partner…
That said, even if a young man in the 16 – 30 year old range does NOT have a father at home, he can find role models. Not just among the black glitterati, those who are constantly in the news, but among the men of his neighborhood – and if he cannot find them there, he should go looking for them. Search among the hallways of municipal government, the seats at church, the men who get up and go to work each and every day and perform jobs from blue collar to boardroom and back again. Need to upgrade your education? Find out where the young men in the classroom with you are hanging – those who are involved in positive pursuits – and make that your environment for growth. Try just saying ‘What’s up’ to the man you see on the bus, on the train, on the way to work or school each day. It takes time, but this is the rest of your life we’re talking about.
Good, stable, family-oriented, smart, accomplished Black men are out there…take a chance, extend yourself a bit, and start making friends. You may find that putting the intention out there draws the kind of men to you that you want to become.
For me, I married my husband based on the intangibles you talked about: integrity, honesty, commitment, faithfulness, resilience, and determination. I believe that with those things working for him, all the material things that come as a result of them would follow.
We are both trying hard to instill the same kinds of attitudes in our own sons. To me, a real man is someone who loves himself and God enough to become a man who can speak to the lives of future generations by his actions. A real man is someone who allows himself to develop into the husband/father/man that he may or may noth have had an example of growing up.
That’s the man my father was. That’s the man my husband is.
Great article, Delano!
I have adult sons, 26 and 28. The younger is engaged, the older has a steady girlfriend. Neither has children.
Both are respectful to the women in their lives. My oldest son did not have a serious girlfriend when he was unemployed and without a car. He decided he could not be a good boyfriend broke and without transportation. My youngest son and I struggled with him attending a family function, he and his girlfriend needed to celebrate their “anniversary” on that date. When he said ” this is my relationship, Dad” I understood. They made it to the dinner and celebrated their “anniversary”.
They vote, guide their younger male cousins, honor their true friends, love their sister, protect their mother and grandmothers, teach their nephews and nieces, respect the Aunts and Uncles, defend the weak, take responsibility for themselves and others, and encourage friends to do the same.
Their mother and I are not surprised. We tried to teach and live most of the above. We understand we did not do this by ourselves. We thank God, the village, our parents, and our children.
Here’s my answer to your real men question https://www.mochadad.com/2010/09/7-traits-of-real-men
This post, “7 Traits of Real Men” has sparked much conversation on my blog and has been my most popular post.
Real men are…true to themselves first. There is a core part of a man that belongs to him and him only. Each man has to come to understand exactly who he is before getting into a serious relationship with a woman or having kids. That is why I am a firm believer in men spending some time in their early adulthood living alone. For me, it helped develop my self image and allowed me to carve out my identity apart from the women in my life. Far too often men go from living with their mothers to living with their girlfriends all the while struggling to understand themselves. The wants and needs of the women in a mans life can smother him if he is not in tune with and true to his own wants and needs.
Manhood, to me, is above all an understanding of my own humanity. That includes my thoughts, emotions, potential and limitations.
-Thoughts refer to the fact I am not an animal. I have a brain. I dont just act on instinct. I try to consider pros and cons before taking action.
-Emotions refer to the reality that I experience the full range. At different times I feel happiness, sadness, anger, joy, and yes, fear and insecurity. To deny the existence of any of them is to deny my humanity. The key is proper management of my emotions.
-Potential is simply all the things I can accomplish if I put my mind and heart to them. I try to stay mindful of my potential as way of keeping myself motivated to be and do better.
-Limitations refer to having a firm understanding my boundaries. Superman doesnt exist. I cant fix everything. However, I can work in relationship with others to fix problems we have in common.
I dont think the traditional male image will completely die off. Some men will stick to it no matter what. However, we men are quietly redefining ourselves.
You know I tend to lay a lot of responsibility of the plight of relationships to women because from a deep place I know that we hold the gateway to men’s hearts, minds, and spirits just as we hold the gateway to love in this dimension as we give birth to everything you see on this planet through our vessels and our portals. This is not to let men off the hook but since this is a blog targeted for black people, I need to bring up how our ancestors deal with manhood, womanhood, initiation, etc and to generalize this most traditional African societies, the women were the first teachers of the children with full support from the men, but the women also were the ones who solidified and confirmed their manhood meaning the test of manhood was approved upon by the role that women played in their lives. Now the question one would ask is what type of women were they because these weren’t ordinary women. They couldn’t be. They were women of high ideals, high states of consciousness, high moral, high states of unconditional love, and they possessed high states of embodying a feminine identity that was interdependent of a masculine identity meaning not separate because in Ma’at consciousness or Afrikan consciousness the male and female are interdependent upon one another, not separate in the least bit. That is a white patriarchal thought system that we have adopted. Just to conclude the men that we need NOW are men who are do what GODS would do. Protect their families and their communities and that means they put in check the drug dealers and the hustlers, men who are committed to their WORD and that means men who keep their agreements to their women, their children, and themselves, men who know their history as black men and that means men who are constantly studying themselves, their history, their culture, and their relationship to the world, men who are always questioning and asking, and men who love boldly, loudly, and without reservation and who do it with swagger because WE LOVE THAT!!!
This one got me going! ? As a VERY proud Mr. Mom (Chocolate Version?) one of the words that came to my mind reading this piece was confidence. One thing it seems we lack in our community is true confidence; not arrogance, and not fake “I can get all the honeys anytime I want, bling, bling confidenceâ€. As a man, are you confident enough in your abilities, your spouse, and your faith to allow yourself to be vulnerable, not only to your wife, but your children? Are you confident enough as a MAN to accept AND thrive in the “non-traditional” role of being a homemaker? And on the flip side, does your wife have enough confidence in YOU to leave you at home to run the household and raise the children, while she is the sole bread winner? Well, since being laid off early in 2009, I have discovered the answers to those questions (and numerous others) since I live it daily. Have I occasionally questioned my “manhood†and that I was selling myself short being just “A Dadâ€? Oh yes! Did I feel that I was wasting all of my education and work experience on doing the laundry and cooking dinner? Id be lying if I said that I didnt. But any fool who has done this for more than a day will tell you that this is the TOUGHEST JOB EVER! So tough, in fact, that I sometimes ENVY that my wife gets to go to work outside the house with other adults ? This is a 24/7/365kick in the behind kinda tired! 🙂
The fact of the matter is I believe, we as a community, focus WAY too much on what “role” society deems important or what “role” we each should accept within its confines. One thing I have come to learn in life is that the whims of society and what is deemed as “traditional†or “normal†are just that, whims. As a man who is “confident†in himself, this is a no-brainer for me; my role is determined solely by the needs of my family, PERIOD! Has my role (and by default the role of my wife) changed before and will it change again, and again, and again over the course of time? Uh-huh. Because when all is said and done, it comes down to my family and what works for US, not (as much as I love them ?:-) family and friends, and especially not folks whom I dont know, will never meet, and have absolutely NO vested interest in the happiness, survival, and prosperity of our family.
To quote Mr. Squires and the, “…need for male voices to be heard in conversations related to love, intimacy, relationships, and family.†Well, here I am, so you can call me what you will but I know for a fact that Im not the only brotha out there who feels that this is neither a beginning nor an end. Weve always been here, but no one was listening, and unfortunately they probably never will…society won’t let them. Just my two cents.