I was minding my business the other day, watching TV, when I came across what I thought was a funny (albeit stupid) commercial:
Haha, “typical dad” can’t get away from his power tools and uses them to drill holes in the chicken. Funny. But then the tagline gave me serious pause. “Ragu – Mom’s Favorite For A Reason.”
Um. Wait a minute. The whole commercial was about a dad (and the mom, but primarily about the dad) getting his kids to eat dinner and then you close with that tagline. Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this?
And it’s not just Ragu. It’s everyone. I bought some applesauce the other day and it said, “Trusted by Moms since 1912.” So Dads don’t trust it? What are we really saying when we exclude fathers from the parenting equation?
Society conditions us to think that caring for the family (and by extension, buying products for the household and making appointments and preparing dinner) is a woman’s job. Men, if they’re in the house, are supposed to make money. And that’s it. Even if the woman is making money as well, all that other stuff is still her domain.
Because I didn’t know I signed up to be in charge of everything. I really didn’t. We just kind of fell into these roles and we fell even harder when I decided to become a work-at-home mom. Up until about a week ago, I felt bad that the house wasn’t always clean when my husband got home at 5:30. After all, I had been home all day, right? But I had to remind myself that 1) he lived here too and has functioning arms and hands to tackle the mess 2) these are his kids too who make endless messes all day long and 3) just because I work at home doesn’t mean I should be working on the home while I’m here.
We need to push for more father involvement and recognition. Stop saying “Moms” when we mean “parents.” Parenting magazine might as well be called Moms Monthly.
Today’s fathers are much more involved than their fathers (remember when most of them weren’t even allowed in the delivery room?), but I still feel like we have a long, long way to go before there’s equality between the two parents. Of course, I don’t think we’ll ever get to the point where things are 50/50 and stay that way forever. I understand there’s a natural ebb and flow to family life and at times Mom puts in more effort and at times Dad puts in more effort.
But when society treats fathers as optional or invisible beyond what they provide financially, is it any wonder that Dad isn’t hopping up off the couch trying to see what needs to be done around the house? Don’t get me wrong – there are some outstanding dads out there who go above and beyond to provide their families both financially and emotionally. They’re on top of things. But they are viewed as the exception, not the norm. And that bugs me.
What do you think? Does it bother you the way society””both in popular culture and your day-to-day interactions””relegates fathers to the margin?
I have to admit when I first started reading I was getting a bit bothered but by the end of the read I realize where you were going and I have to say I agree.
I agree in the sense that I believe all of this is what fosters the feeling that dads are optional and it aids in them feeling like they don’t have a NECESSARY part in being there for their children. Men need to realize and understand that they are NEEDED and a REQUIREMENT in the upbringing of their children. Yes children can be raised healthy and happy in a one parent home but in all honesty they can be a lot more WHOLE with both parents. (their are always exceptions to the rule)
As for taking care of the house I think it’s also a joint effort but circumstances play a big part in that situation.
Tara, you are so right. It bugs me too(!). Thank you for sharing thoughts about it. In every way I can, I give accolades (sharing with others) about my dad’s multiple roles and influence in my upbringing and in my life…I wish more people would do this.
I think a big problem is the notion that motherhood is superior to fatherhood. My theory on the source of this notion shall remain (publically) undesignated at this time. But, I think this same notion has led to women assuming their role is more important and men following suit. While our tasks (not necessarily our roles) are more shared these days, we DO generally exercise different roles and this is ok! What is NOT okay is the blatant disregard for a father’s role in the household with respect to his chldren’s wellbeing. This disempowers and belittle men. I think it also helps to develop a hands-off approach to parenting.
I believe your perspective is right on point; and I think we as women may often unwittingly become the biggest obstacles to strong fathering. I launched the Mothers@the Gate initiative to mobilize mothers to promote strong fathering, especially of our daughters who have yet to receive as much attention as our sons in the fatherhood crisis conversation.
I agree with what has been said, but also think it comes down to the man (husband/father) and his understanding of his role. My dad NEVER washed dishes and NEVER cooked. Ironically, however, he always taught me that if you see something that needs to be done, do it. I work mornings and my wife works in the evening, which means I have the bulk of the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, helping kids with homework, baths, etc. I absolutely love the responsibility. Yes, it gets to be a little overwhelming at times, but marriage and raising kids is a partnership. It’s give and take.
I agree whole heartedly that women should not be looked at as the primary and only person responsible for the up-keep of the home and rearing of the children, but one thing I’ve learned in my 3.5 years of marriage is that as women a lot of times we set the tone and expectations in the home and relationships.
It bugs me out, too that society is trying it’s hardest to relegate fathers to the margins, but I can’t control what pop culture tries to shove down society’s throat. I can control what expectations I have of my husband as a father and vice versa.