My parents never gave me the “When are you going to give us some grandbabies” talk. In fact, my parents encouraged me to wait as long as possible to have my first child. They told me to enjoy my pre-baby life as it was then and to settle into motherhood when the time was appropriate for me. So that’s what I did.
When people would ask me if I had children, I’d reply “no.” When asked if I wanted any, I’d always say, “Maybe, we’ll see what happens, but no time soon,” and that would be that. I rarely received an odd look or a follow-up questionnaire to provide my reasons for not wanting a child at that particular point in my life.
I appreciated that because I typically heard otherwise from so many of my friends and colleagues who have felt the pressure mounting year after year as they’ve reached late twenties. Those in their early to mid-thirties tell me they really get it from their families (particularly mom) and friends. One friend tells me her boss incessantly reminds her that she is nearing 35 and that the risk of down syndrome in children increase the older the mother is when she births her child. I try to put her at ease by letting her know that my mother had me at age 36…and I don’t have down syndrome.
I say all that to make a point about the pressure I now feel to have baby number two. At one time I wasn’t sure that I wanted to have children at all, and I’m not sure now if I want to have a second one. I believe in a divine plan; if I am supposed to be a mother of two (or three, four, or five), it will happen. But the pressure for me to force it along seems to be coming out the woodwork every which way I turn. My well-meaning mother, who previously all but ensured I waited as long as possible to have baby number one, is now beginning to start every other phone call with, “So when do you plan on getting pregnant again? You should really begin to plan for the next one, Gwen. Babies are like Lay’s chips: you can’t have just one. And besides that, Caiden told me he really wants a little brother or sister.” (Keep in mind that Caiden is 6 months old. The only thing he’s saying right now is “Mama” and “Dada” and even those are few and far between.)
If it were up to my husband, I’d already be pregnant. Although I must give him credit for being just about the only one not laying it on extra thick. Since I’m still trying to recover from the labor I endured six months ago, I am in no rush to have another right now. I’m thinking maybe three to five years from now, I’ll be ready. But I’ve been told that’s way too much of an age gap. What folks don’t realize is that my sister and I are 16 years apart (me being the younger one); we are very close and we do just fine. So for me, three to five years is NOT a big deal.
But even my doctor has started giving me the “older mother” talk, pointing out that I’ll be between 32 and 34 when baby two shows up, if my plans move along as I currently wish them to. She pulls out all these charts and graphs and sends me home with scary pamphlets showing all the “risks” associated with having a child past age 30.
My co-workers, friends and even not-so-close associates all are on my back about having a second kid within the next year and a half. At one and a half months into my 29th year of life, I really don’t think I’m that old. Geez…
My conclusion is to pull a Lauryn Hill and tell people to mind their own dang business. Baby two will show up if/when Mommy one is ready.
Have you ever felt the pressure to have another kid from family, friends or even outright strangers?
BigGirl says
I so feel your pain. While I don’t have any children yet, I am getting the side eye and blank stare about not having one yet. Like you, I’m 29 and don’t see my having a child until I’m 31. My response when folks ask me or my hubby about children is “You putting in on it?”, meaning are you going to pony up some money or volunteer to babysit when mommy and daddy want some “us” time? That usually shuts them up. I believe that when it happens, it happens. Let God handle it.
tia says
That’s interesting. With #1 being just 6 months, it seems odd that the pressure is on for you so soon. All the best!
Elibra75 says
I don’t understand how anyone in their right mind could suggest to the mother of a six-monthxold that it’s time for another baby! I’m 35 with 2 children (6 and 3yrs) and am expecting in Dec. Three-year spacing has worked really well for us. The kids get along really well. Don’t let anyone rush you! You’ve got plenty of time. My doctor says the risks that come with being an “older” mom don’t significantly increase until 40.
Kennishahall says
Funny I deal with this pressure daily as well. I had our son 4 months shy of my 28th birthday! Now that I am 30 and he is 2.5 people ask my husband and I just about every other day when we will have baby #2?
Runningamomathon says
LOL people will always ask, no matter how many children you have! I am a mom of a 3 yr old son and one yr old twins, and people STILL ask if we are done, or having another! Umm…not if I can help it, and only if God says so, and gets me preggo THROUGH the birth control! lol! All I’m saying is, people are ignorant and nosy! 🙂
Gwen Jimmere says
Don’t count out getting preggo through the birth control. That’s how I ended up with my son. 🙂
Briana Myricks says
I’m young so I’m not experiencing it. But most of my cousins have popped their babies out already. However, none of them are married so they definitely didn’t get the pressure. My in-laws would like some but we’re going to wait a couple of years. My uncle & aunt are definitely getting the pressure. My grandparents went 18 years between me & my little cousin, and now that he’s almost 3, they’re definitely advocating for a new born, especially my grandma. I’m hoping when I do pop mine out that we won’t get the pressure.
Skylar says
I am with u and children are wonderful blessings. My son is 9, I am 30 and for the past 10 years everything has came together nicely, including me having a successful career. I know I had defied the odds as a single mother as well. We are sticking to babies that go home lol I love my 10 year old niece and 6 week old nephew like they’re my own. We will stick to kissing the babies on the way put and me and my lil man hitting the road! When the time comes, he may get a puppy, may lol The side eye and questions don’t bother me any more 🙂
Vvestrada21 says
It’s all according to God’s plan. I had my first child, a boy at 36, and my second ( a girl) when I was 38 going to turn 39 later that year. They are now 8 and 10, honor students and do not have Down’s Syndrome or any other genetic disorder. A friend of mine from high school had boy and girl twins at the age of 44, also healthy and no Down’s syndrome. Having a baby over the age of 30 or 35 is not an automatic default to Down’s syndrome.
cdv4life says
I recently had a baby before my 35th birthday. What amazed me during my pregnancy was the number of people that kept telling me I must have another one. Really? If I know my limitations, why can’t the rest of the world simply accept that? I’m happy to be a member of the “one and done” club.
Nicky says
I’m 24 with baby #2 due soon (first one is almost 3) and I have no idea how people say 30’s is late to be popping out baby #2. Especially early 30’s, I think that’s a good timeline to do what you want to do in life THEN focus on being mommy.
Anonymous says
I thought I was the only person experiencing this. I was shocked to read this article. I just had my first baby at 33 and I enjoyed my life and completed a masters degree before I got pregnant. Now my mom and everyone I know is telling me to hurry up and have another baby. I’m not certain that I won’t have another one, but I’m 34 now and it’s not looking too good. Besides, my body is SO bad right now after having my daughter, I really don’t want another one for selfish reasons!!! 🙂 I think I’m “one and done.”
Aleks Nearing says
Now that my daughter is near 4, my parents and others have stopped nagging me (too much) about having a second. I would tell them “sure, I’ll have another as long as come babysit and help out whenever I may need you to.” That generally shuts them up 🙂
Jazzi or Jaz says
Gwen, I totally feel your pain…….not only do I get the “do you want children”, I get the “why aren’t you married yet”, “do you have a boyfriend”, “what is taking you so long to find a mate” or here’s one I got from a older Mother from church, “you need to hurry up and get married because you have needs”. I was shocked because God has kept me MANY years now and nothing has changed.
It’s also funny because my sister had a little boy 3 years ago and my mother was ready for another baby in the house and she stated why don’t I have one. HA! I want companionship right now in my life before the baby comes along. God knows what’s best and if I’m having children later in life, they’ll come out just like God planned it….Perfect for me to take care of!! ;oD
Dr. Mon says
I’m pregnant with our first now at age 31. We’re already getting pressure for number two. I think gender has something to do with it.
A lot of family wanted a girl, but since finding out we’re expecting a boy, we’ve gotten a lot of pressure to try again so we can have a girl. It’s a bit upsetting to me if I think about it too long. So I’ve taken to rolling my eyes and ignoring such comments.