By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
The past is the past, right? Well, why does it creep into our marriages?
Sometimes it is even disguised as something else. When I was growing up, I observed my mother do everything for us. She worked, paid the bills and provided for our every need. She raised us alone and didn’t really have to answer to anyone as to the way she did it. While coming up, I thought that a man/husband was just optional, not necessary. My mother made parenthood and running a household appear so easy. I always thought it was something I wanted to do, too. My behavior reflected that thought. It took some time to acknowledge that I had actually brought those ideals, a.k.a baggage, into my relationship.
I could clearly see the burdens that others were carrying, but my stuff didn’t seem like baggage. My idea of baggage, in regards to others, was thinking that a man was going to hurt them the same way another man had. I often found myself advising friends on this very situation by requesting they give the new guy a chance and stop carrying the past with them into every new relationship. To my surprise my baggage, which I kept tripping over, was right there. It took the patience and gentleness of my husband and an honest self-assessment to realize I had to ship that baggage out of our marriage.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few of us who still struggle to be happy with our spouses because of our own “stuff.” That stuff has been given permission to take over. It is known for causing us not to trust, fully love or enjoy the moment. We are either fearing that what has happened to us in the past will ultimately happen again. Or we are exhibiting negative behaviors that we’ve learned in the past, like not communicating effectively or having certain expectations of our mate that just aren’t realistic.
In order to release the baggage, we must be completely honest with ourselves. We can begin anytime by:
- Admitting that we have the baggage. As with any addiction or self-sabotaging behavior admitting it exists is always the first step.
- Acknowledging and respecting why it is present and continuing to travel with us. Understanding where it originated will help start the release.
- Recognizing what it has prevented us from having. Have we missed out on enjoying the marriage or having healthy conversations with our spouses? If so, it is time for change.
- Confessing that it isn’t working. If it bothers us that we’ve missed out on those certain moments, it makes sense to do something different.
- Planning the change. Of course change doesn’t occur overnight, but being realistic about what needs to take place is the beginning of the plan. Creating small steps toward the bigger goal is a great place to start.
Whether we have been married 12 months or 12 years, the baggage has to go. It is never too late or too early to prepare a plan of release. Baggage gets heavy and causes damage, so whatever baggage there may be, it is always best to let it go.
BMWK, what baggage have you carried into your marriage?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Notisme37 says
My husband and I was just talking about that this morning. He endured a lot growing up with his mom. His Grandparents was raising him and his sister, but their mom just kept coming in and out getting them and destroying another part of their growth. In his relationships, he have never been able to release the baggage of that first relationship. He continue to fight those demons everyday. He have so much anger and strong emotions inside of him I’m scared that one day it will be released, but in a negative way. He is fighting it now that is why he has become a workaholic.
Tiya says
Thanks for your response. I pray that your husband gets the help he needs to overcome the anger.
Reggie Williams says
Tiya, bless you for this post. It’s absolutely amazing how many folks who have no clue that they are being drugged down by their baggage, blaming their marital woes on their partner. If only their partner would do this or that their marriage will be better. No, the problem in your marriage is usually “You.” But it is a lot easier to see the ills of your partner.
GREAT post. I pray that folk take heed to your transparency and your advice.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com.
Tiya says
Thank you Reggie! Yes, we are quick to point those fingers, it’s not that easy to admit where we can improve.
Keesha says
There is no one, I believe, who can say they don’t have baggage. I think they may just have a different word for it, but it’s all the same. I had, and still have a really hard time not comparing my husband to my own father (who is still only a phone call away..lol). It’s not the worst thing in the world, or the worse baggage to claim, but still very unfair to my husband. He is not, and will never be my Father. He is, a great father to our daughters, so I ended up with a win-win. Great post Tiya!
Reggie Williams says
Keesha just wondering and attempting to engage in conversaton – not a debate.
You said your husband was a great father, but you never chimed on how he is as a husband. While you’ve acknowledged that it was unfair to compare your husband to your father I just need to note it is also like comparing apples to orange – not practical. Maybe not in your situation, but possible, maybe your mother, could like you, say your father was a great father – but be mum on how he was as a husband. Husband duties and father duties really differ as far as from the east to the west.
Just a thought
Keesha says
No debate Reggie (agreed)…lol. You’re right, I didn’t say how he was as a husband. Here we go..He’s an awesome husband because he’s willing to learn, grow, and pray with me. We both understand that until the day we die, we are growing and changing, and we are committed to go through these changes together. His willingness and desire to be happy is what I love about him. Lord knows it get’s rocky, but the fact that we can suck it up and push past the hard times is all I ask for. One of the best things we realized in the last few years is that different things float our boats.
Example:
I married a man who loves to be affectionate, whenever/wherever! Now that I know more about the different love languages, I understand his love language is physical touch. Mine (probably due to my upbringing), is acts of service. I’m a “show me and do it” kind of gal, and he’s a “just touch me, please” kind of guy.lol. I married a man who requires more affection than I want to give at times. BUT, I cater to his needs and he caters to mine so it works. We’ve been happily married for 15 years. It really, really, helps to learn about your spouse and the way they desire to be loved, not what you want to give. It took me about 11 years to fully grasp that concept. Your baggage gets lighter when you are in tune with what your spouse needs from you, and you know how to communicate your needs clearly as well. So, for his dedication, he get’s a 10(because that’s a definite act of service). Thanks for making me clarify:)
Reggie Williams says
Love the reply Keesha and the transparent testimony. Much blessings to you and the fam. Take care
Reggie Williams says
Love the reply Keesha and the transparent testimony. Much blessings to you and the fam. Take care
Reggie Williams says
Love the reply Keesha and the transparent testimony. Much blessings to you and the fam. Take care
Tiya says
Thanks Keesha!
Tiya says
Thanks Keesha!
married with 3 girls... says
Wow, this really touches me in a mighty way. Also, raised by a single mom, I grew up with the notion that if my own father could walk away from me, why would anyone stay for the long haul? So, for so many years I kept my heart guarded and tried everything to ruin my marriage it seems. Luckily for me, I didn’t marry a quitter and after 13 years of marriage, I am slowly learning to leave the bags in the past.
Thanks for the post…
married with 3 girls... says
Wow, this really touches me in a mighty way. Also, raised by a single mom, I grew up with the notion that if my own father could walk away from me, why would anyone stay for the long haul? So, for so many years I kept my heart guarded and tried everything to ruin my marriage it seems. Luckily for me, I didn’t marry a quitter and after 13 years of marriage, I am slowly learning to leave the bags in the past.
Thanks for the post…
Tiya says
Thank you! I am also happy you didn’t marry a quitter. I can relate to that one too, my husband withstood all my mess. I thank God for him.
TheMrs says
Never thought of my “baggage,” I mean I didn’t bring in children, a bunch of failed relationship anger, etc. My parents were and still are married, my father is older(23 yrs my mother’s senior) and was retired most of my upbringing while my mother went to work M-F, took on a part time job when my father was sick, paid all the bills…basically took on the role of a single mother with a live in nanny/housekeeper. In turn, I have had a hard time with accounting for myself with my husband. Bills come in I pay them, kids have appts I go to them, and the list goes on. And I can honestly say that over the years I have put blame on my husband and his upbringing as a large part of our problem, however maybe I need to reevaluate some of our issues…maybe I do play a part….
TheMrs says
Never thought of my “baggage,” I mean I didn’t bring in children, a bunch of failed relationship anger, etc. My parents were and still are married, my father is older(23 yrs my mother’s senior) and was retired most of my upbringing while my mother went to work M-F, took on a part time job when my father was sick, paid all the bills…basically took on the role of a single mother with a live in nanny/housekeeper. In turn, I have had a hard time with accounting for myself with my husband. Bills come in I pay them, kids have appts I go to them, and the list goes on. And I can honestly say that over the years I have put blame on my husband and his upbringing as a large part of our problem, however maybe I need to reevaluate some of our issues…maybe I do play a part….
TheMrs says
Never thought of my “baggage,” I mean I didn’t bring in children, a bunch of failed relationship anger, etc. My parents were and still are married, my father is older(23 yrs my mother’s senior) and was retired most of my upbringing while my mother went to work M-F, took on a part time job when my father was sick, paid all the bills…basically took on the role of a single mother with a live in nanny/housekeeper. In turn, I have had a hard time with accounting for myself with my husband. Bills come in I pay them, kids have appts I go to them, and the list goes on. And I can honestly say that over the years I have put blame on my husband and his upbringing as a large part of our problem, however maybe I need to reevaluate some of our issues…maybe I do play a part….
Tiya says
Thank you for your comment. That’s the interesting part, the baggage can appear in all sorts of packaging and it’s not always easy to identify.
TheMrs says
Oh no, thank you for your article!!! This has really got me to thinking because I often complain about what my husband isn’t doing…’Babe, why can’t you take the kids to an appt?’ But in reality it is I who has forged this in his head that “I’ve got it all under control” when I really want him to do some of this stuff so I can get a breather.
TheMrs says
Never thought of my “baggage,” I mean I didn’t bring in children, a bunch of failed relationship anger, etc. My parents were and still are married, my father is older(23 yrs my mother’s senior) and was retired most of my upbringing while my mother went to work M-F, took on a part time job when my father was sick, paid all the bills…basically took on the role of a single mother with a live in nanny/housekeeper. In turn, I have had a hard time with accounting for myself with my husband. Bills come in I pay them, kids have appts I go to them, and the list goes on. And I can honestly say that over the years I have put blame on my husband and his upbringing as a large part of our problem, however maybe I need to reevaluate some of our issues…maybe I do play a part….