As I was transporting my children to and from various appointments this week I reflected on the life I had before I found myself taking care of all these other people. I was in my late twenties when I said “I do” but before I walked down the aisle and shortly after, I recognized there were a couple of things I could no longer hold on to.
First was my need to stay upset longer than my husband. That one has (almost) completely vanished. I remember those crazy days (during our courtship and in the beginning of our marriage) when my husband and I would disagree and literally not speak to one another for days. My personal goal was not to break. That was the stinking thinking that could have ruined our marriage. As I matured and began to see the true value in having a healthy marriage, I knew nothing would get resolved by shutting down and failing to communicate effectively. Thank God for allowing us both to grow in our marriage.
The “all about me attitude” is now nowhere to be found. Again, thanking God for allowing me to get this one pretty early on. Our marriage works so much better when I make my husband my priority and he makes me his.
My thinking we can build a healthy marriage on our own has also gone missing. Not making God a primary source in our union was an epic fail in the beginning. Aside from the promise we made during our vows, we were lacking in praying together and being more connected spiritually. We are now both heavily active spiritually and in our church, with me leading the marriage ministry. That position has made our marriage even stronger.
I also lost the desire to spend frivolously. Early on in my marriage, I was one of those secret shoppers. And not the ones who get paid to spy on various retailers, but the kind that would shop and hide the newly purchased items in the back of the closet. My husband never had a clue, at least I don’t think he did. Now we budget and discuss our finances. I plan ahead and prioritize so that I am saving first and spending carefully. Being careful with our finances will allow us to enjoy the opportunities we’ve dreamed about. Like family vacations and our children’s futures.
Many of the items listed above would have sabotaged my marriage had I kept them up. I am grateful for the space we are in today. Our marriage continues to get better and our efforts to keep it that way continue to increase. So I realized there were things I definitely had to lose when I got married in order to be in such a healthy relationship today.
BMWK, what did you lose when you got married?
What wonderful things to lose, and what a loving relationship you gained!
I think that there are often such power struggles in marriages. Spouses can be reluctant to let go of behaviors that “give” them the “power” in the relationship, as they see the marriage as a zero sum game. They don’t see that by letting go and getting on the same side as their spouse and giving a minimum of 100% that their marriage will prosper in ways they couldn’t even imagine.
Thanks for highlighting an important issue!
Kim,
Thank you for your comment. That was my struggle, remembering we were on the same side. It’s like we don’t want to lose too much of yourselves. But marriage is about compromise and sacrifice. Great comment
Reading this article kind of highlights things that I had to lose when I got married. Before I married my soulmate I was single for almost 4 years. I was in previous marriages where I was verbal and phyiscally abused. So after removing myself and my kids for the situation I had a hard shell and would not allow anyone in. I started becoming cold to the word love when especially when people I have trusted told that word to me and abused me. So i started to lose the faith in the word love and the idea of marriage. But the day my life turn around is when I gave all my pains from the past over to the lord and found a new found love and appreciation for him. I learned that he will be the only one that will bring his angel into my kids life and my life. So I had to lose my negative thoughts of the at in order to see my current husband. And that was the best thing I could have done for me and my kids. Now I can truly say I know what love is and what it feels like to be loved.
Thank you for your comment. I love your testimony! I am happy to hear God revealed true love to you.
Thank you Tiya. I am seeing on a daily basis areas I need to work on and I am finding it to be quite difficult I will shut down at times like you mentioned in your article. I will also use colorful language which I know he hates to emphasize my anger, and I know that is not right to do. I will want to discuss issues we are dealing with even if we are in public which he is adamantly against. I am struggling with the submission if I do not agree with his decision or the process–after being independent for so long it is hard. I am trying to grasp my head around all that I am suppose to be doing as a wife and it feels like I am fighting myself. I love the articles that help me but I still have such a long way to go. Only 3 months married and the tough spots really do show.
Lawanda,
Thanks for sharing. It’s not always easy to admit where we fall short, so good for you for recognizing them and admitting them. The next thing you have to do is admit that the current way isn’t working for you or your husband. Once you determine it isn’t work, start thinking about what will work. Also, being honest about why you do what you do (the intentions and motives behind your action) is key. This what I had to do for myself, in a heated moment, I had to take a second and ask myself questions like “why are you about to say or do something hurtful” and my answer would always humble me. If I knew the sole reason for my doing a certain thing was to hurt my husband I had to start checking that behavior quick, fast and in a hurry. I know what my ultimate goal is for my family/marriage, I want to be happy. I have to contribute to that happiness, and let go that which does not honor that goal.
nicely put article Tiya!
it hits me when you wrote down “Not making God a primary source in our union was an epic fail in the beginning.”…its very resonate in my heart, remembering one of the saying of a sufi master ‘Bawa Muhaiyaddeen’, he said “Unless love is connected to God, it is easily to breakdown”.
Looking forward for another piece of mind of yours! 😉
Absolutely Tessa! Thank you
I really enjoyed your article Tiya. It has opened my eyes to my shortcomings. I now know what I need to do to achieve a healthy relationship with my partner.
Thank you Shauna!
What a nice thing to read for me today. My soon to be ex boyfriend could never understand why I wouldn’t marry him, even though we had a very long relationship. Aside from me not loving him enough to vow to stick with him for life, all the things you described here that saved & is making your marriage a good thing – we had none of it. Especially not praying and or worshipping together. I love reading stories of folks who love each other enough to work on it. Blessings to you.
I also wanted to say that how you were before – that was how we were thru the entire relationship. If he seemed to have an attitude, I’d put on my iPod for hours on end. We had no communication to speak of w/out arguing. I am not looking for a new relationship for a long time now – need some time to re-meet myself, but when I do, I pray that he will be a man that God picked for me. No more, no less. Thanks for listening. 🙂
Tracey,
Thank you for your comment and for sharing. It’s easy to fall into those relationship traps, believe me I know. Until I realized my marriage was more important to me than my proving a point, that’s when I changed. I love how you put that, taking time to re-meet yourself. We all need to do that every now and then.
You can say that again Tiya. I am still learning to lose things in my marriage that I know that bugs my husband. like thinking if I don’t do it, it want get done, I say that I have to make sure me and my kids are good. and when he point it out to me I say well I am just used to beening by my self and always doing what I have to do for me. not giving him no chance to show me that he is the man . And reading this you help me to see I am only telling him in a nice way I really don’t think this marriage will last, and it’s really about me and my kids not him. I feel so bad now that I see that. But thankful by just reading what you wrote. God has many ways that he speak to us. Keep on letting the lord use you. This is something that I need to lose more then anything.
Nice article Tiya! I can totally relate to much of what you are saying. In almost 17 years of marriage, I have had to learn to let go of the “critical eye” and use a more “constructive eye”. That is hard. I also had to let go of my need to try and control everything. Even if it was the “right” thing that I was trying to do, for years trying to force a concensus often made my husband rear back because he felt manipulated. I also had to let go of my desire for him to “fix” things that I wanted fixed. Learning that it was sometimes just a quicker road to peace to do it myself (or find someone else to help) rather than drag him through it was a life saver.
another timely message!!!! thank you