I will start this post off by being completely honest in answering this question; I would definitely find it a bit of a challenge if my husband’s best friend happened to be another woman. This subject was presented courtesy of my husband who had a detailed discussion on the topic during his last barber shop visit.
I contemplate the dynamics of a best friendship. The people we choose to fit the role of best friend usually have qualities or behaviors which help them stand out amongst our other comrades. This is the person we run to first whenever we are having the best day of our life and especially when we are having the worst. They are quite familiar with the good, bad and the ugly of who we are and love us anyway. We trust them with everything including our secrets. We never allow too much time to pass without being in contact with them. We lean on them for a shoulder to cry on and to acquire that much needed advice on how to handle those special life situations. They are selected to be the “bestie” for a reason. In most instances we have shared with them more than what we’ve shared with our spouses. With all of that being said, how can I be completely comfortable with my husband having this type of relationship with another woman?
I do trust my husband and I happen to adore the female friends he currently has. However, I am not sure how I would feel if one of them were given the official title of “best friend”. I feel as though once a person enters into a marriage their spouse should begin to fill the role of confidant and trusted ally. I am by no means saying the friendship has to end, but the structure would have to be tailored slightly. There would have to be an understanding. The friend of the spouse would now have to become a friend to the marriage and be okay with taking a back seat.
It may not seem fair to ask this request of such a close friend, but if the friend is true they are only going to want the best for us. And if making our spouse feel loved, respected and trusted is one of those requests, there shouldn’t be a problem.
BMWK, What If Your Spouse’s Best Friend was of the Opposite Sex?
Dr Michelle says
My husband and I are best friends. Our covenant overrides friendship.
T.Henry says
And THAT is the only way!
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Dr. Michelle I couldn’t have said that any better!
Vanessa says
There is a woman in my husband’s life that he considered his “bestie” before he and I were married. She is still considered a friend but is now a friend to both of us. She respects our marriage enough to take that back seat without feeling any knod of way about it. She knows who his “bestie” is now 🙂
Tiya Sumter says
That’s awesome Vanessa. Just as it should be.
Vee says
My husband and I are dealing with a similar situation. He talked to his female “best friend” EVERYDAY, and no they didn’t work together. After months of conversation and arguments about my discomfort with their closeness and co-dependence, I saw a decrease in how frequently they talked/texted and thought that he finally got it. Well, that was short-lived. Three years later, we continue to argue about the SAME THING. He feels that since they never dated, or were intimate that I should I be fine with it and just trust him. It’s not about infidelity or adultery, it’s about the emotional connection/dependence/intimacy that should only be shared with his wife. What do you do when you want your marriage to thrive, but it’s stuck in the same sad place and you cant see eye to eye on how to move forward?
Tiya Sumter says
Vee, I am sorry to hear you and your husband are having the same challenge. Kudos to you for being honest about how you feel. What made your husband feel it was okay to increase the contact with his female friend again?
MsMonet says
I am the female best friend and feel that many women let their insecurities and past become the real problem in their relationship, not the female bestie. For example, I have been called multiple times by different girlfriends and attended very awkward introductory dinners (both with and without a date) all in an effort to put her mind at ease. Let me tell you, it is really hard to become a “friend of the marriage” when one partner starts from a negative/skeptical place before I even say hello. I am happy to take a back seat, but get truly frustrated by always putting on the happy face when I know the girl truly dislikes me for no good reason. However, I continually do these things because as a friend I want my boy to find true happiness. Anyway, I just felt the need to share the view from the other side.
Emma says
Ms Monet, I sympathise with you. I was a best friend to a man until I got married. His girlfriends didn’t like it and I found some of them very hostile from the outset. It was probably because we had such a great connection and understanding. Our communication was always very good. I must admit I did not like him confiding in me about his relationship issues. I had to constantly reinforce boundaries. Sometimes it was very uncomfortable.
We became close 5 years ago when we worked together BUT here’s the odd part, when I met my husband, I stepped away from the friendship because it felt inappropriate to have a male best friend. My male friend was furious and very jealous. He felt that I was being hypocritical. It certainly affected our relationship negatively for a while, but quite honestly, I did not and do not care. My loyalty is with my husband who is now my best friend. My husband and ex best friend do not like each other at all. They are cordial, for my sake, but there is an awkwardness when we are all together. My husband thinks my ex best friend has deep feelings for me. This may be true but I do not reciprocate or encourage those feelings. Our friendship was so relaxed and uncomplicated.
I have sacrificed my friendship for the sake of my marriage. Truth be told, I dropped him like a hot brick. If I’m honest, I feel that I have been disloyal to my old best friend BUT it is a price I am willing to pay to have an intimate and trusting relationship with my husband. He does not have close male friends because he is very close to his brothers. He has SIX brothers and he is the middle one. I am an only child. TMI? Sorry!!
MsMonet says
Thanks for sharing and if any of the brothers are single…watch out below, hot brick coming! 🙂
ttjam says
i had to come to this conclusion as well, my ex was my bestfriend and when i started dating my husband he was very negative and quite frankly rude to my husband. naturally that caused my husband o completely dislike and dare i say hate him because it was clear he still had feelings for me. it was hard for me at first to make the decision to end our friendship because we have known each other since we were 13 but when i saw the way it affected my husband i knew that the friendship had to end. i can honestly say now that i am happier in my relationship and friendship with my husband now because that burden of a toxic friendship has ended. my husband is now my best friend.
Tiya Sumter says
MsMonet, I so appreciate your honest feedback. We definitely needed to hear your point of view.
Dell says
My friend came in and out of my life while I was growing as a young lady. He would call once in awhile to discuss issues he was having or to just make sure I was okay. He saw me as a homegirl he could talk to honestly. When he was in a relationship I always made him think what was best for the relationship never crossing the line. We knew everything about each other. He was the one person that I could be honest with and free to express my true thoughts without being judged. Well to keep a long story short we are now husband & wife. While we were only friends he looked at me different one day and said that he had everything he needed in a woman in me. So yes women & men can be best friends only if they stay in their lane. Soon as they change lanes then wives watch out! We have been friends for 32 years and out of those years married for 24. So if you are a wife who is not comfortable with your man’s friend be honest and speak to her and him. Tell her to stay in her lane!