by Tara Pringle Jefferson
In case this is your first time to BMWK or you never read my little bio at the end of all my posts, I live near Cleveland, Ohio, which was just ranked as one of the snowiest cities in the country. How fun for the woman who doesn’t go outside when the temp falls below 50 degrees.
Last week, we got pounded. My husband left for work and just missed the dumping of snow that came down so hard I couldn’t tell where our front yard ended and the street began.
As it got closer to the time he would come home, I looked out and noticed two neighbors stuck in their driveway because the snow was too high. Being the kind wife that I am (and desperately needing a break from the kiddos), I layered up and began to shovel the driveway so my husband wouldn’t get stuck, too. All 24+ inches of snow.
Now, this was my first time ever shoveling snow. (I told you I don’t go outside when it’s below 50.) I thought it would be easy. My husband shovels the driveway himself most mornings and THEN goes on to work all day. Surely I could shovel the driveway in what? 15, 20 minutes, tops?
It took me 50 MINUTES! Lifting the snow and hurling it over the fence onto the front yard was rough. My abs, back, arms, shoulders, thighs – every part of me was on fire! I was drenched in sweat and could barely tell it was cold outside.
I was in awe of my husband. Even though he’s stronger than me, I couldn’t imagine doing this every day or even every week.
As I finished and came back in the house to make dinner, my back was incredibly tight. It was then I had my “Aha!” moment.
Almost nightly, my husband asks for a back massage. I used to get annoyed because he never offered to return the favor but instead would be half-sleep by the time I finished. But after spending almost an hour in the snow, I had new insight into why the massage requests came so frequently. Sure, I knew he shoveled the driveway regularly, but it didn’t click until I honestly put myself in his shoes and shoveled that darn driveway myself.
This little experience taught me that sometimes it ain’t about me. It’s about caring for your partner without having to know the reason why they want something or being resentful that the action isn’t reciprocated at the time. Marriage, at its core, is about selflessness, about giving of one’s self and being ready to help in any way you can.
Yes, it would have been nice for my husband to return the favor of a solid back massage (and he does, occasionally) but by staying in my own head I was missing out on an opportunity to show my husband how much I appreciate him and all the hard work he does.
Now excuse me – I heard Home Depot was having a sale on snow blowers.
BMWK family – how can you strive to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes more frequently?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer, blogger and PR professional living in Ohio with her husband and two kids. She’s also Managing Editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for more insights on love and family.
I have to agree. Next week will mark one year for my husband and I. 2 days after we got married the first 26 inches came and we were snowed in together with my 7year old. For 2 people who didnt live together before marriage…i swear it was a test of my patience. After 2 days in the apartment i was ready to say I QUIT, when my husband went outside and shovel our area so i could go out (and i dont do cold weather either). He then made his way across town to shovel out his parents.
Later that night snow began falling again…28 MORE inches to be exact. We are strong but i will be damned if imma be shoveling anything! I love my hubby
I can relate to this post. We in Atlanta were snowed/iced in all last week. My hubby works from home and I go to a corporate office daily for work. So that week I was happy to have the chance to work at home while we were stuck. Much to my amazement all the things I ask him to do during the day just to help us stay on top on the keeping the house together I could not even bring myself to do. So I have a new found appreciation for him that it is not that easy just to clean up on your lunch break or drop loads of clothes throughout the day when you actually have to be working.
Great article Tara and a great example of thinking of your spouse
That was right on point Tara. You’re right it’s not about us. Same thing happened to me minus a few inches of snow. My husband was under the weather and I went out to shovel for him. I think marriage definitely works better when we can put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
On point as usual Tara! When he and I became a “we”, it ceased to be just about me. For a relationship to be successful, you have to focus on what you can give to the other person.
About the snow, I don’t do snow. I pushed out the babies, he pushes around the snow 😉
Being from Boston, I am used to the snow but I don’t like shovelling it which was one of the motivations for moving south.However being single for all of my adult life and getting married at 41, I expected my husband would do all the things I HAD to do including shovel. Well, a few months after we married, the DMV was hit with Snowmaggedon. He had undergone surgery for carpal tunnel & nerve damage and so I had to shovel. I was not happy and neither was he because he didn’t want his wife to have to shovel by herself. So, he layered up and came out to help. I was so happy he was willing to do that in spite of his pain. That made me appreciate him even more and of course, I sent him back in the house. Moral of this story:expectations are often not reality but that doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed or you love less. It’s really not just about me but we.Thanks for reminding us what really is important Tara!
This post was timely for me, my husband and I have been having MAJOR problems, but during the weather debacle in Atlanta he walked 5 miles to the store to get the kids some milk in the ice and then turned around and shoveled the driveway. He is from Flordia and never had to deal with anything like that before, but he held in down. That broke the shell I was starting build around my heart…gotta keep trying.
don’t give up sometime it’s the little thing that reminds us why we fall in love in the first place may God be a bless to and in you marriage
Keep fighting for your the health and happiness of your marriage, Shanna. I believe all things are possible… I’ll be praying for you.