Yesterday in class, I huddled up with two of my classmates to discuss our upcoming presentation. One of them is my age (26), and she’s looking to start a family soon. She’s been married for a few years and now they’re actively trying to get pregnant. Still, she’s concerned about what’s going to happen with grad school if she has a kid now.
The other group member, who’s a little older, warned against it. “Finish school first,” she said. “It’s too hard to study and watch a newborn.”
I, of course, had to chime in. “Well, it’s hard, but it’s not impossible,” I told her. “I had my first in undergrad, and I have two now. It’s hard but somehow”...you make it work.”
She just kind of looked at both of us, like she didn’t know what to think.
And really, I was wondering what advice I was giving her. Going to school while you have a kid is a lot of work. Last semester I almost quit everything from the stress. Every week there was a major project due. My daughter’s school is big on parent involvement and I found myself putting in 10+ hours of work each week on various events/field trips. And I still had my son home with me all day, so his development was on my mind as well.
It is a struggle. No question about it.
I sometimes wish I had either waited to go back to school or had gone before I had kids, but that doesn’t make any sense. Financially, the time was right for me to go now. I’m pushing through because I know it’s going to make my life better in the future. So, kids or no kids, I’m making things happen.
I’m not typically a big fan of people pushing off having kids for a more perfect time, probably because I’m mom to two “surprise!” babies. At the time, I struggled with what the upheaval in my life would look like and how I would cope. But now, five years later, I am extremely happy. Extremely. I do distinctly remember life before my children, but somehow it seems like all my memories of that are in black and white, while my current reality is in color. It’s kind of like life before the iPod. Yes, it was pretty cool walking around with your Sony Discman, but then you got your iPod and it was a wrap. Motherhood is kind of like that.
Was life easier before kids? Yup. I had a ton more energy. But when my daughter draws a picture of me in art class because she missed me, or when my son says he loves me “thousands,” well, somehow I don’t mind being sleep deprived as much.
I guess my advice to her is to not let the idea of having kids keep you from doing what you want to do. You could be a doctor, or a lawyer, or an entrepreneur. Having kids doesn’t erase your goals.
What advice would you have given my classmate?
Briana Myricks says
Great story Tara! When we had a pregnancy scare not too long ago, I thought of you and knew I could do it if it were actually the time. Thankfully it wasn’t but I know if it does happen before we’re “ready” it can be done. I would have told your classmate the same thing. Is it easy? Heck no. But is it possible? Heck yes. Many moms have done it. When you become a mom, you make a way out of no way.
Aisha says
“When you become a mom, you make a way out of no way. ”
-So True!!!
Lisa says
I don’t see the problem. She’s 26 AND married, so why not? There will never be a perfect time to have kids, and I know a few too many people who waited until they accomplished everything they wanted… and then couldn’t get pregnant. Your classmate is in a better position than many to have kids now. Is your other classmate a mother?
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Lisa – The other classmate was a new grandma. She had been babysitting her month-old grandson over Christmas break and remembered very quickly how demanding newborns are, which is why I’m sure she gave her that advice.
Lisa says
Thanks Tara. I’m sure the lady meant well, and I get the impression that her child might be a younger parent, which could also influence her concern. That being said, I still think you gave the right advice. I definitely think one can be too young to start a family or not in the best position (because of insurance, school, unemployment, etc.), but plenty of married couples have children while one is going through school. It certainly will be demanding, but your classmate is in a better position to do it than many who don’t plan to get pregnant, but do anyway! Best of luck to them.
yasmin says
Thankyou for this story. It was just what I needed. My husband and I have just found out I’m pregnant. I’m 24, in last year of uni and had ambitions of continuing with my masters degree. I know it will be a struggle but I am determined.(grandma did it with 5 kids so why can’t I)
Tara Jefferson says
@Yasmin – Congrats on your pregnancy! Do check out my blog at theyoungmommylife.com. A bunch of support is waiting for you!
Nees says
I’d wait until I was done with school, I’d want to give my baby all my attention nd never come up for air lol
Albany352 says
I’m going through this now. I’m 26 years old, married for two years, have been with my husband for almost 10 years total and I’m still indecisive on starting a family. I just feel like I still have so much more I want to do before having kids. I want to finish school, travel out the country and so much more. However, I do know my time clock is going to tick out on having kids. Man this article hit home for me. Great article!!!
Lisa says
Guess I should add… I’ve been married for about 14 months and I’m 34. We’ve both been done with school for a while and we’re working on starting a family now. God willing, we’ll be parents in September… still, having a little more time to start a family (if we had met a few years earlier) would have been nice, especially since we want more than one child.
Mswright26 says
love this article and this site..such positivity and its well written too–way to go. I’m not there yet but one day
Adrienne says
I once heard that grandparents are best suited for raising kids. It makes sense to me given that they would have more lived experience, maturity and patience to rear a newcomer. Having said that, I believe that the best age to “birth” a family and to raise a family are two distinctions to be held. Currently, the medical professionals deem ages 15-35 as the best years for fertility, particularly for women. And even that is changing. However, we know that precious few folk under 20 are equipped with the maturity or resources and others approaching 40 start to panic for fear of running out of time to birth.
The truth is there is no best age. I believe it’s more about the best time in your life, which would be when you see that to raise a family is the ultimate service you can give to your community, nation and planet. It’s when you become excited by the possibility of meeting someone new and watching what s/he becomes. And it’s when you see the human addition to your life as an asset–not liability.
Debt Free Divas says
As someone who waited and had a lot of trouble getting pregnant…I say don’t always assume that you can wait and your body will respond in kind. I know too many women dealing with infertility. Have your children…everything else gravy!
Yana says
Although there is no perfect age, I’m glad I had mine young. Me and my husband will be done raising all 4 of our kids at 42 and 47, respectively. I think when you have them late you tend to have less patience. A few of my friends who have had children early in life and then turned around and had another one or two later in life, all agree that it was easier on their bodies and nerves with the kids they had earlier.
Microwave Love says
I don’t think there’s a “right age.” I do think if I had ever planned to have a baby ( I haven’t) I would probably plan for a time that I could devote more time to my baby, which I don’t think has to always do with age. For instance, if I was in her situation in school and knew I would be done with school soon at 26 I probably would just wait. I don’t think there’s ever a perfect time and even with the best of plans things change and you make it work either way, but given the option I wouldn’t create more stress for myself or take away any of the time I could give to my newborn if I didn’t have to.
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
@Aja I should add that she should be done with the program in about a year, but I’m not sure if that makes it an easier decision or not.
Rubie says
I will be36 this yr and I def. thought I would have kids by now. I never wanted kids before age 30 though but I am single and have been during my 30s I want to be married with kids so I try not to stress about it. God is ABLE
Dionneas says
I’m a fan of getting married and having children at (or after 30). Why? Because in your twenties its filled with sooo much internal growth, etc. You’re just getting to know who you are. I’m with the older “more experienced” lady. Finish school—-children will be there. True, you can raise great kids while in school, etc. Everything has its challenges, and children are forever. School is a moment in time! Live it up, go after dreams, etc. Doesn’t mean that all of that will stop once children are there. However knowing that you’ve reached some personal goals in life without the stressor of child rearing is sweet satisfaction! 🙂
Nykolej says
My husband (36) and I (34) made the mutual decision to wait. It’s just us (we don’t have family here). I wanted to finish school, and accomplish some other goals that I had set for myself. While there is really no “right” time to have children, I am glad we had a chance to enjoy each other and travel before Junior came! No matter what time a child comes, they are a true blessing!
Guest says
I had my only child at 36. For me, it was the best time. I had been married for 3 years, done with school, travelled the world, and had a successful career with some money in the bank. Your parents make child rearing seem easy. I was raised by a single mother of three. I, too, thought, how hard could it be? It is crazy ridiculously hard to work and care for a baby. I’m an advocate for experiencing life, living out some dreams and then starting a family. I can fully concentrate on being the best parent possible.
FutureMochaFNP says
It is VERY possible!!! I have a 2 and 4 year old girl and boy, and I took prerequisites to get into nursing school (read:all the classes I avoided in high school and college the FIRST time! lol), while they were still VERY little. Now im in the second quarter of the nursing program. I had my son when I was 27 and my daughter when I was 29, and started school before I got pregnant with her.
It is EXTREMELY demanding, you will no doubt be tired and may even feel like giving up sometimes, but you can do it. Especially if you’ve got a good support system, family nearby to help you. We’re 2000 miles away from family and doing it on our own, so it’s all about how you’re willing to rearrange your life. For me, it is important that my children experience the least amount of impact of me being in nursing school, because they still need me. So, that means, I dont get to be a straight A student, but i’ve committed myself to spending the time that they need, and getting what I need to get done while they are at school, or asleep.
You really just have to prioritize, and work with your spouse about how you’re going to do it. As long as YOU two are in agreement, then you should be fine. EVERYONE will have their opinion about what they think you SHOULD be doing, but make that solid plan with your husband, and you’ll feel like you can conquer the world together!
janice says
Boy….the question of whether or not to wait to have children until I was ‘set’ used seem like such a struggle to figure out. I have absolutely never ever met anyone who is relatively stable, rational, without mental illness, or intense bitterness (and I am completely sincere, absolutely no sarcasm, just pure observation) say if they had to choose between or a degree of any sort vs. children (after they have them I might add) that they would have chosen the degree. To be able to find a great guy, get pregnant, carry it to term, have a live birth without injuries to the mom or child is truly nothing short of a miracle. We see so many blunders with out of wedlock pregnancies, poverty, abuse, divorce that scars the adult as well as the children that we forget that infertility or lack of a traditional option for having a baby could happen to us. Yes, doing absolutely anything with a child of any age is a challenge because there is a natural built conflict of interest due the ‘knock your socks off’ love, dreams, hopes, and investment you have in that/those child(ren). However you can almost completely control getting more education. You can decide how hard you want to work, how much you want to juggle, raise the extra cash or cut back to utilize what you have, decided the timing, aaaall of that to make it happen. You truly have no control over whether or not you get to have a baby. I would caution against comparing bringing a life into the world with any other type of investment. Plus anyone who is PLANNING to have a baby with their SPOUSE with the timing of obtaining a GRADUATE degree really hase zero to worry about, since you already have a great history of making wise choices. Who really cares if its hard, or you get syked out from time to time about the degree, just as long as you never think that the degree has any equal footing or is even measurable to your wonderful husband/wife and beautiful baby. Because you can’t take the degree with you when you leave this world however you will remember with joy the time you had with your children.
Mrs. says
I’m 35, married mom of 4. I had my 1st child when I was 27, before I got married. Soon after she was born, I started grad school…and it was HARD.AS.HECK. It wasn’t just the classes, wasn’t just the work or the multi-tasking…it was the fact that when you have a child, your priorities change. You change. Everything changes. Which is why I tell people, to do as much as you can, while you are SINGLE with NO KIDS. Once you get married and have kids, or have kids and get married, the path of your life changes. You don’t have to change your destination, but you may have to be content to drive the city roads to get there, rather than take the interstate. You’ll still get there, but remember that others need what you have…now.
JF says
I personally do feel that people should wait to have children and get married. Of course there is the ‘but’, which is just that it does depend on the people. I tell people to wait and enjoy themselves, get their careers going, travel, and develop more as an adult. This whole get married and kids at 23 and such makes absolutely no sense to me. Yes, you CAN make it work. Yes, it is possible. Yes, you can struggle to make a way out of no way. But, why make a struggle for yourself when you don’t have to? I think people should wait until they are in their late 20’s to even consider these things. With the way the economy is, jobs, new relationship dynamics and relationship definitions, divorce rates, I don’t think this is anything to rush into and I think it’s becoming evident that married-life, kid-life may not be for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think much of that is from societal notions and, in a way, those are being challenged. Some people don’t have the same life aspirations, so kids/marriage won’t really hinder too much. I think you can really live a fulfilling and experienced life if you make the right choices and do things in a good timing. Your early 20’s are really about fun, work, development, social, travel etc. You can graduate school, get a masters, travel other countries, have an exciting social life, meeting and experience new people, start in a career etc, and THEN go onto pursuing these life long things, marriage and kids, IF and only IF that is what you sincerely want and need and not because society dictates that you have it and you’re blinding following this archetype. Now, Im not saying being a parent/married isnt fulfilling, BUT it is a different life. And yes, sometimes when the kids come, the dreams go.
BUT, on the other end, if you do want kids and a marriage and are trying to pursue much in life you can’t wait for the ‘perfect condition’ because there will never be just the perfect time. Because once school is done, then your on the job search, after the job you are developing a career, after that you are trying to take it to the next level etc. If you are a forward moving person there will always be the higher mark, next level etc and if you wait for the ‘perfect time’ it may never happen, so this is where the ‘you can make it work’ is absolutely right. BUT, I would rather at least have the school out of the way and have a job and THEN struggle with the next level than struggle just to get out of college and get a job. The current climate is entirely too uncertain and difficult to make things harder on yourself, and the family you want to start. The balance will be extremely difficult, but at least you can wait a bit after setting a goal and making a little more doable for you. Also, in your early 20s, a lot of your wants in life are changing and the last thing you want is to make a life choice and feel otherwise later on. It takes SO much to be a parent if you really want the best for your kids. In California, a good daycare/learning center is anywhere from $800-$1400, rent in a good area is in the $1500 range, people are working two jobs, 60 hrs, to make a somewhat comfortable life, student loans payments, public schools in many areas arent good and require parents to spend that 10+ hrs, if you do private school-thats in the $800-$1100 range, around me- you need to make at least like 45k to responsibly sustain yourself alone and jobs I see now want people to have years of experience, a degree, work in a hard environment and pay them around $14hr/30-35k. It is not the time to make things harder for you and your family. Im sorry this was so long, I really wanted to go into more…
Kimber Lee says
I had my first child when I was 18, the end of my first year in college. I had my second at 21. I completed my bachelors, it was difficult, but thats college. Then I completed my masters two years later. I didn’t get to spend numerous amount of time with my children as I was studying and working, but the quality of the time spent was amazing.