by Ronnie Tyler
As couples, we have to compromise all of the time. On a daily basis we have to agree on how to spend our money, on how we spend our time, on how we discipline our kids…etc. Compromise is an important skill for a successful and healthy relationship. When you compromise, both parties give up a little for the common good of the relationship.
But why compromise if you are going to be a —- about it? And you can fill in that word yourself…(i.e. – jerk, ass,…I bet you know some words that will fit there.)
For instance, you finally agree to go shopping with your wife. She enjoys shopping and you don’t. But you know that you should show some interest in things that she likes to do. So you go…. but the entire time that you are there you are being a —-. And after she listens to your whining and complaining and rushing her to decide between the 3 black dresses that she’s looking at, she finally looks at you and says: “I wish you would have stayed at home.” So really…what was the point of you agreeing to go if you were going to make her miserable while you were there ..huh?
Or how about this. You have been asking your husband to help out more around the house. You are not the maid and don’t feel like all of the household chores should rest solely on your shoulders…it’s a real problem for you and you let it be known. Finally, your husband agrees to take on more responsibilities around the house. And after he does them, you go completely off on him because he does not do them the “right way” (your way) or he did not do them when you wanted them done. So he did the chores…but still got a tongue lashing.
Another example (and one that I am personally guilty of myself) is when your husband asks you to watch Sunday afternoon football with him. He loves football and would love it if you showed some interest from time to time. So you agree to watch the game, but the entire time you are complaining, trying to turn the game, falling asleep, talking on the phone. So are you really showing an interest in one of your husband’s favorite past times?
I could go on and on with examples. But I bet we all can probably think back to times where we have acted like a complete —- after we have agreed to compromise in our relationships. So here are some great tips that I have found to be helpful in compromising:
Try to come as close to a win/win situation as possible. Don’t agree to something that causes a great loss for either person. And yes, I know this is not always possible. But one person should not always be the only one in the relationship making concessions.
Don’t just think of yourself. Think of what the other person would want…remember you want this to be a mutual agreement that both parties can benefit from and not just yourself.
Communication is key. Be very specific about the terms of the agreement in order to minimize misunderstandings. So if your husband agrees to do more around the house, you should also come to an agreement as to when things need to be done…etc. For instance, he agrees to cook dinner twice a week…..but he cooks at 9 pm. This is really not a very good arrangement because by 9 pm, everyone is starving and the kids should really be in bed. Taking the time to discuss expectations will help to prevent additional problems….because trust me…hungry,cranky kids are definitely a problem 🙂 !
Don’t commit to do something that will make you feel bad about yourself or that will make you resentful. Take this time to discuss your true feelings about the situation…. suppressing your feelings will only lead to resentment that will come out in other ways.
Do not go back on your word!! Don’t commit to do something that you know you will not follow through with (i.e. if you know that you hate shopping to the core of your being..then perhaps you will suggest another one of your wife’s hobbies to show interest in….)
And this leads me to the final point.
Be happy with the outcome… remember that you are doing something that is best for you as a couple. So once you make a decision….let go of the attitude and any bad feelings that you have and try to enjoy the experience.
BMWK family, what tips do you have when it comes to compromising?
sunt97 says
Wow, I hear this all the time, from myself. I am always thinking this when I hear a man sigh when he is doing something with me that I know he hates. It i so freakin annoying.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Xavier Husband says
Stick to established interest that are in common. Going outside of that is asking for trouble. Thats why you have associates (If you are lucky enough to that is) of the same sex, and interest. Its ok to have interest that are just for you, that have nothing to do with your spouse, enjoy them. If you know that your spouse hates an activity that you love, love them and leave them alone about it! They will still be there when you come back from said activity, and will be in a much better mood then if you guilt them (And make no doubt it is a guilt trip), into doing something they really really dont want to do. Why would I want my spouse to ruin MY good time with her behavior. Life is a lot simpler without trying to fit square pets into round holes. Come back together later and fit the pegs and holes properly, and you will BOTH be happy.
“Xâ€
Keeshab2002 says
It was said before….communication is the key. There’s no problem with asking, and there should be no problem being honest and saying no if you don’t want to do something. BUT, to be a loving spouse means recognizing when your NO’s are more frequent than your YES’s, and you need to adjust accordingly (because you love her, right?) If you’re going to support your spouse, however, do it with a smile!! God love’s a CHEERFUL GIVER!! My name is Keesha and I approve this message!
Anonymous says
I kind of agree with you. But I think that each person in the relationship should try their mates activity at least once before totally refusing to do it. They might actually enjoy it. For example, I’m not a big football fan either, Ronnie. But my spouse loves it. So I try to at least be in the room with him. I may have a magazine, but he appreciates the effort and we still feel like we’re having quality time together.
Xavier Husband says
I agree with you MRSRW to a point. I think that I am speaking of a little further down the line in the course of a relationship after a certain amount of seasoning. Most people will let it be known what they do and dont like after a time. I am speaking from the viewpoint of the person who has the activity that is to be participated in, but KNOWS through various discussions that it is something that is simply insufferable to the spouse. For instance since we are talking about football, my wife despises all sports, and has made that known in no uncertain terms. It would be a recipe for disaster to try to get her to sit and watch any football game with me. I personally think its more humane to put her out of her misery (Ok probably going to get in trouble for that last statement), and have her do something that she really wants to do, then sit with me and suffer even once! I actually think of it as rather loving NOT to have this expectation of her.
Reggie Williams says
Xavier Husband I don’t disagree with you – trying to put a square peg in a round hole is always going to be a recipe for disaster.
I’m not fond of the shopping & mall thing and would prefer to do almost anything other than go. My wife understands this and never expects that I will choose to go. But as Keeshab2002 alluded to in her post (adjusting), sometimes I love being in the company of my wife more than I hate going to the mall – so I mount up and go with her and don’t push her to say, “I wish you would have stayed at home.”
When do we graduate to a level higher than what “I” want, and why can’t we grow in things so that we are maturing from a square peg to a round peg so that now we can place the round peg in the round hole – that’s growing in grace 2gether.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Reggie Williams says
Just in case the thought entered your mind, the MrsRW who replied to your post is not my wife.
Ronnie_BMWK says
I love all of the comments above and the different perspectives. All in all, I think communication is key and a willingness to work with each other and think of each other’s needs.
To tell you the truth….I don’t agree with forcing your spouse to do things that they just don’t want to do… But I like what Reggie says… he goes sometimes because he likes being with his wife. I watch football because I want to spend time with my husband and because I know he likes it when I show interest.
And sometimes we do things simply to bring the other person joy (not because we like to do them…not because we will get something of it…but because we love our spouse and want to see them happy.)
Anonymous says
LOL 🙂
Anonymous says
Point taken. I do agree with that perspective.