A single black woman that I’m friends with on Facebook posted an encounter she had with two separate men. It lit up a firestorm of men vs. women in the comments. Two men from her past, in two separate conversations, both claimed that they were interested in her and wanted to ask her out, “but she never gave them a chance.” She frustratingly replied to both of them, “You never ASKED for a chance!”
See…her assumption was, if a man wants to go out with you…all he has to do was ask a simple question, ‘Would you like to go out?’. Was she wrong? Is it really that simple?
The fact is, some men have game…and some men don’t? Some guys know exactly what to say to a woman…and others are seized by fear and paralysis of analysis just to come up with an opening line? For men, this is very frustrating because it hinders their dating/love life. Take a man we’ll call Duman for example,
Last Friday, I was in Friday’s sitting at the bar eating dinner. I stumbled into a conversation with the guy sitting next to me about women. Duman is a 44 yr. old, tall, clean shaven, slender build, divorced gentlemen originally from West Africa. But Duman has no game. Self admittedly so. He cited an incident where one day he was sitting in a lobby in front of a beautiful woman. Every time he looked up, she was looking at him. But he didn’t know what to say to her. When he got up to leave, she stopped what she was doing, looked up, and said “How are you doing?” “I’m fine. How are you?” he replied. And then walked away. When he got to his car, he beat the steering wheel ferociously because he regretted missing the opportunity to ask her out.
For a woman, this is frustrating…because, all she wants is someone who has the gonads and the confidence to step to her like a man and say the right things to get her to go out with him. So here’s the #1 reason why a man is afraid to ask a woman out…and the four things woman can do about it without playing herself.
Lack of Confidence
Men date out of their confidence level. What I mean is…a man who acquires knowledge in knowing what to say, what to do, how to carry himself socially, and what to do sexually with women…builds up a certain level of confidence in himself. An experienced man will exude a high degree of confidence…because he knows what to do and how to handle himself in any situation with a woman. To him, rejection isn’t a deterrent. And to women, this confidence is sexy…even if he is not physically.
But for the man who has limited experiences, he has a low level of confidence in how to handle himself socially and sexually with women. So he’ll play-the-wall in social setting…hoping to build-up enough confidence to eventually ask a woman out. Or he’ll make statements like, ‘I was going to ask you out but you never gave me a chance.’
Speaking of my friend…what is she suppose to do? How can she…and you…avoid being told this in the future?
1. Build Up His Confidence
His confidence is the key. The only way to remove the fear is through social experiences with women. So engage him socially. You don’t have to seem desperate or pressed…just friendly. The more interaction he has with you, the more confident he will be come.
2. Challenge His Manhood
No man wants his manhood challenged…especially by a beautiful attractive woman. But sometimes, the right kind of challenge prompts a man into action. Now…don’t go calling him out in front of a bunch of people. Rather, privately challenge whether he’s scared to ask a woman out. Challenge if he even knows how to ask a woman out. Then have him role-play with you to check out his game. Tweak it to your liking…if you like. Depending on how savvy he is, he might build up enough confidence to ask you out.
3. Correct Him Privately
If you see him doing or saying something that’s socially awkward or a turn-off to women, pull him aside and playfully tell him how stupid that was. A great line to use is “If I was on a date with you, I would feel…” Then tell him what he should’ve did/said that would’ve been more palatable or attractive to women. He will endear himself to you and build his confidence at the same time.
4. Humor Always Helps
Being humorous makes you more likable. You don’t have to be a standup comedian, but play up your funny side. If you can make a man laugh, he will want to be around you more. And more exposure to you…means more confidence for him.
Confidence is intangible. But its presence…or lack thereof…is very real. It shows up in the presence or absence of ‘game’. Men feel it…but women experience it. And in the case of my friend, she experienced its absence because those men didn’t feel it.
BMWK – As it pertains to a man’s confidence, which have you experienced more: its presence or its absence? And what do you think can be done to increase a man’s degree of confidence?
Interesting! When I read the introduction, I felt just like the frustrated woman. I’ve smiled at men, looked them in the eyes, said “hello” and tried to make conversation while smiling in a “happy” voice and NOTHING! It’s very frustrating. I used to personalize the lack of response, is there something wrong with me, really!? I assumed most men know how to talk to women, this realization is a little disappointing. I’m not an aggressive woman, I prefer men to pursue me. Hmmm, I guess I’ll continue to be my pleasant self, but I honestly don’t have time to pull men aside, build their confidence and hope they ask me out…and not another woman.
I definitely feel you on that…not wanting to build a man’s confidence for the next woman.
But from a man’s perspective…from one who didn’t gained my confidence until my mid 20’s…nobody teaches young boys how to properly talk to girls. You just pick that stuff up in school and in the streets. If you are good looking, it’s relatively easy. But for those of us who weren’t particularly fetching as a young teen, it was hard work. The threat of being embarrassed and social peer-pressure were a legitimate forces to contend with. So we used trial and error to figure out what worked for us.
It wasn’t till my 20s that I started hanging around a group of guy that didn’t care what they said. They would say anything out their mouth. And it worked. So I tried that strategy. I had to morph into a completely different person to get up enough confidence to say the things they were saying to those women. And I started getting positive results…which built my confidence. That’s when I realized that experience builds confidence.
So I’m thankful of my social experiences with other women. I’ve been married 16 years and has given me the confidence to be able to talk to any woman in a social setting. So think of it this way November, some other woman has/will build up another man’s confidence to talk to you. Don’t be so reluctant to do your part of confidence building for another women. Help a sista out. LOL
Wishing you all the best. Please like my FB page so I can stay in touch with you. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
Hmmm, nice way to consider it. My building confidence in one brother, helps another sista and vice versa. I can do that! 🙂
IT’S NOT A WOMAN’S JOB TO BUILD A MAN’S CONFIDENCE. THEY SAY MEN LIKE A WOMAN WITH CONFIDENCE, WELL GUESS WHAT…SO DOES A WOMAN. FUNNY HOW THIS MAN (WIGGINS) TALKS ABOUT MALE LEADERSHIP SOME MUCH BUT YET IS ADVISING WOMEN TO BUILD A MAN’S CONFIDENCE SO HE CAN “ASK HER OUT”. REALLY? IF A MAN DOESN’T HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK A WOMAN OUT THEN HOW WILL HE HAVE THE GUTS TO TAKE INITIATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP? VERY CONTRADICTORY. I’M SICK OF ALL THE ARTICLES THAT TELL MEN TO BE MEN BUT THEN WOMEN NEED TO HELP RAISE THEM BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE DID. THAT’S WHY I DON’T LISTEN TO THESE OLD CRAZY ADVICE COLUMNS. I READ FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
In so many ways, I agree with you. It feels contradictory. No, we cannot, will not, and should not try raising men. It’s too late for that any way.
Yet, the other side is… women are powerful. We are motivators and nurturers. We have a sphere of influence that no man can touch. Borrowing from a book a recently read, ‘You always hear behind every great man is a great woman, but you have never heard (nor will you ever hear) behind every great woman is a great man’.
Long story short…every woman should know her value and invest her energy wisely.
I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
November, I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
I met my high school sweetheart like that. We were in a summer program at VUU. I had a boyfriend but we were definitely on the outs because he was a smooth operator not awkward at all with any woman and liked to prove it much to my heattbreak. All of my girlfriends had paired off with their summer flings and there I stood alone. Until I was told “hey he likes you but scared to ask you out” so I politely walked up to him and asked in his ear “you scared of girls or something” from there we had one of the best relationships I have ever known. VERY SWEET GUY….to bad we graduated and went separate ways. If I hadn’t been forward enough just to say that to him I never would have met him. I wish I had that confidence now , life has a way of tempering you…slows and calms you down … way down …maybe to much..gotta get the old me back!!!
Great story Darama! I love it!
Confidence swings both ways. Just as experiences can cause your confidence to increase…so too can experiences cause it to decrease.
One way to get your confidence-game up is to give yourself permission to be rejected. Yes I said it. You must give yourself permission to fail.
Our adult culture frowns on failure. But all scientific discoveries are forged out of a test-and-trial process. What the scientific process does it test an approach, look at the results, and tweak the approach. Then they test the new approach…and so on.
Do this: whatever you want to be confident in…let’s say for example, it’s in approaching men like you did back in VUU. Try one approach on 7 different guys. Use the same line. Don’t deviate from it. Don’t set any expectation for what will happen next. Just test that one line. Then look at the results of your interactions. Tweak the line to get more desired response from a man. Then test the new line on 7 different men. Repeat this process 3 times.
This process alone will build up your confidence in approaching guys. And it will give you the confidence to say the right thing in any situation that you feel comfortable saying as a woman.
Now…that was just an example. I don’t know your if you’re married and this is not permissible – or if this forwardness doesn’t fit with your belief system. My point with this example is simply to give yourself permission to be rejected…to fail. It’s the lessons learned during this process of trying new stuff that builds confidence in who you are as a woman.
I don’t know if this help…but I’m hoping the best for you. Let me know how your test goes. Like my FB page so I can stay in touch with you. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
Question- how and why is it that Women then can’t Ask or “court” nowadyas?? and PLEASE, do not go with the “Gender Roles” response, because in 2014, if Men/Women WANT Something, just Go Get It andSTOP allowing Oneself to be locked down by what Society deems Appropriate/Non-Appropriate. Society isn’t “Living” a Person’s Life, in their bedroom, on their date(s) or in their business(es) at the end of the day…
My thoughts are that a man should take the initiative to ask a woman out and if he gets rejected the SO WHAT! That’s life…move on.
I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
That’s a great question J. In my opinion, women are doing it. Some 2014 women are going out and getting what/who they want. In fact, in the reply above yours, the woman did that very thing. Additionally, the women I spoke about in this article has no qualms about approaching a man. In fact, she’s trying to pull back from approaching men…because in 2014 she’s trying to ‘stay in her femininity’ as she puts it.
And that speaks to the answer to your question. It’s not that a woman CAN’T…but why men WON’T! Her quandary is…why won’t men step up and say something if they are interested. Why don’t men have the courage to put themselves out there…risk being rejected…and ask a woman out? Why must women now be the aggressors…if a relationship/courtship is to be started?
To which my response was…some men lack the confidence.
But you have to admit…she asks some pretty valid questions. As a woman who is not afraid or ashamed to approach a man, why should she be the one that always has to take the initiative. As she continued in her FB comments, ‘if I takes the initiative to start the relationship, I’m going to be the one that running things until he steps up and proves he can do it.’ To which I responded to her…’if you do that, then you’re going to be very frustrated because he’s going to feel like your son and not your man because you are running things.’ She agreed.
And that raises a question I have for you. In 2014, do you think a man should be taking on some leadership roles and responsibilities in a relationship? You said you don’t want me to talk about gender roles…but what do you think about the existence of gender roles and responsibilities men and women have in relationships? Do you thinks its okay for woman to be ‘running things’ (as she puts it)…and not a man? Or do you think a man should be running things and not a woman?
My take is both should be running things. But in my experience as a relationship trainer for 14 yrs, women have become the dominant ones running things. And the reason they say they do it is not because they don’t want a man to do it. But because they don’t trust a man to do it.
Your thoughts.
I think there are a lot of mixed signals in the dating scene. Guys who are aggressive may come across as players and vice versa for timid guys. But women have a lot of control and most guys like to be challenged. In that scenario of Duman, the lady could have let her intentions known by complementing him and inquiring about how happy his s/o is and that could have sparked a conversation which would then give Duman a good lea in to ask her out….
I wrote a followup article for how men can build their own confidence. I’d love to get your thoughts.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
I don’t want a man that doesn’t have the confidence to ask me out. I feel that he isn’t that interested, or afraid to loose a chance with me if he can’t just find it in him to simply ask. Whether he may get rejected, or isn’t sure if the female is interested..just simply ask.
I do think it is our obligation as women to make it clear what our interest level is, & not make that such a mystery/confusion for men.
But me building up their confidence to ask me out is a no. I will be giving no man a pep talk to ask me out!
I can’t figure out which gender complicates things more, men or women.
I’m finding a lot of women feel the same way you do. And I agree with you. Men should build their own confidence. I took this female-obligatory approach to this article because when I preparing to write it, I had a conversation with a woman about this issue. When I told her the issue regarding a male’s confidence, she asked, “What should we (woman) do?” Frankly, I though that was an odd question. I figured women felt the same as you, and would be repulsed at the idea of having to help a man ask her out. However, this repulsiveness is not shared by all.
I’ve found that some women (I don’t know if it is a majority or not) are willing to give a man a little “push” if it will help get the ball rolling. I wrote this article…to bring light to the boot-on-the-ground reality some single women are dealing with. I wanted to empower these women with the knowledge of what to do…and how to do it.
However, based on all the comments from this article, I decided to write as sequel targeted toward men…telling them how to increase their own confidence. It will be posted later today. Please read it. I’d love to get your opinion on it as well.
Thanks for your feedback.
Yes! Can’t wait to read. I still think this is a great article for a couple of reasons. 1. A female can use these tips to coach her male friend, not her potential man. & 2. The humor part in #4, isn’t just about building his confidence..it’s abt getting the female to give the guy some postive feed back . Which I think we females lack sometimes. Sometimes the guy just wants to be reassured tht what he’s doing works, & that his jokes are funny.
Anon, here is the follow up article I wrote for men.
https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2014/03/social-impotence-7-confidence-builders-for-his-social-game/
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this piece and I’ll make sure to show my girlfriends this because when we get together the age old subject of love and relationships tends to come up more often but the subject at our most recent pow-wows was about the dance between the man and woman and the approach.
So I believe that a man should chase the woman, period. “He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” is my base for that. However, I do believe if he is suppose to recognize or needs assistance in finding out that you are that good woman its only fair that she make herself known to him, right? He’s not a soothsayer (psychic) or a mind reader and at the end of the day he is human. Therefore he struggles with the same internal struggles we has women have as well… confidence, uncertainties etc so help him out… give him signals that he should approach. They do say “it takes two to tango” right? So I don’t think it hurts in giving him that nudge he needs to steer him in my direction. I think we owe it to ourselves for that chance and also I don’t believe your confidence in letting him know you are ready to mingle goes unseeen and is one of the reasons he’d even more attracted. Shooot! This girl owes it to herself… My girlfriends are always amazed and the running joke in the grouo is that I’ll be married first… hhmm we’ll see! LOL
Thanks again for the great read, Heath!!! 🙂
Thanks Empress. I truly appreciate you comments. Please like my FB page so you I can keep in touch with you. Let me know how your pow wow discussion goes. Sounds interesting. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
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