by Lisa Maria Carroll
Are you a parent who struggles to give your child the best of everything, including a house that’s not a home because you’re losing sleep at night worrying about how you’re going to keep it, vacations charged to credit cards that will take you the next 20 years to pay off, and a college education that you can’t afford to pay for? If this is you, then I beg of thee to stop it…NOW.
I just watched CNN’s Black in America: Almighty Debt, and I was greatly disturbed by the parents who were facing foreclosure, because they’re 26 months behind on their mortgage, yet they’re concerning themselves with how they’re going to pay for their daughter’s college tuition to Yale, Harvard or Princeton, while this young lady incurs $400 credit card bills. At first I was miffed at the daughter because of her misplaced values. But after some thought, I realized the WHOLE family’s values are in the wrong place.
Where is it written that parents MUST pay for their child’s higher learning? I told my children early (probably daycare) that they needed to get good grades so they could go to college.; I never led them to believe that Mama would be paying for anything. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would have contributed in any way that I could, but as a single mother raising four children, establishing college funds for each of them on my salary was not realistic. Nor is it realistic for a couple sitting on the front steps of foreclosure to think they can pay for an Ivy League education.
The couple on Almighty Debt said that it’s important for their daughter to be able to go to the college of her choice. Well, if her college of choice is Yale, Harvard or Princeton, then her grades should reflect such. And if not, then she’s already made her choice to enroll at the community college around the corner, where she can get enough through financial aid, including work study, to pay her own tuition.
Feedback Friday Question: Should parents pay for their child(ren)’s college education??
Lisa Maria Carroll is a wealth strategist and along with Kim Crouch, is co-creator of the Millionaire Journey. To learn more about Millionaire Journey, go to https://1yearmillionaires.blogspot.com/ or join us on Facebook at https://tinyurl.com/yhdwa78
Excerpt from the couple’s story:
Funkidivagirl says
I totally agree that it should not be expected and parents should not put themselves out. If they are able to afford college, or help pay for it a little or a lot, then fine. I know several kids who went to an Ivy League school while the parents busted their butts to pay for it and and now the kids don’t even have a productive job, nor are they concerned about getting one.
Kisha says
I completely agree. Most parents will be pushing retirement age and there is no good reason why you should forfeit retirement money for college tuition. You are ending your working years and they are beginning theirs.
I tell my kids all the time; they should be preparing NOW (5th and 7th grade) for college, especially my 7th grader. She has been in band for 3 years, plays sports and I’m getting her into volunteering also. My niece was just accepted on a full scholarship to Hampton University, but she’s been working for it since junior high.
Another family I know, they explained that they would front 0 costs Freshman year. So many kids mess up, drop out, etc. that they said that first year, you’re on your own. They offered to pay 15% Sophomore year, 25% Junior year, and 50% Senior year. I also think that’s a reasonable scheme if you have the means.
Alonzo says
I agree. Parents should not be expected to pay for their children’s education. Not when most parents haven’t even funded their own retirements. There are pell grants and student loans for college but there are no retirement or old age grants or loans. Besides what parent wants to be a financial burden in old age to their well-educated kids?
I think many parents need to start thinking about scholarships early. Many experts rightly claim that its a numbers game. The more scholarships your kid applies for the more he or she will receive. This means they can’t wait until the last minute.
Kerri says
Last night’s program was fantastic but very sad & realistic.I believe a child should be able to attend the college of their choice if they have worked hard, earned the grades and have the proper scholarships to pay for it. I do believe that Mom & Dad should contribute to their child’s college education BUT I do not believe it must break the bank. So if my little Michael wants to go to Princeton, he better have the grades to help him achieve his goal. Higher learning is the key but 20years of debt behind it is unnecessary! The young lady had it all wrong last night….I’m 35 and don’t have a $400/mo. credit card bill for clothes. The parents were slipping on that. Even if mom/dad were doing well and financially stable their daughter doesn’t need all that money for clothes .How about putting that toward her college education! She would not be seeing Princeton,Harvard, or NYU—Pace University is more like the budget they have right now!
MrsDeveter says
I tried to watch the show but couldn’t bear it. My husband has made it clear to my kiddies (5 & 2) that if they want to go to college they better get good grades so they can obtain scholarships and if they don’t want to go to college that’s on them. At some point we must pull back. We are living in a different day and age. One of my sisters is going to come out of college owing so much in loans and it’s because she didn’t take her first two years of college seriously and lost her financial aide. I feel sorry for her but she now realizes the changes she made are going to effect her for a long time.
Lamar Tyler says
I kind of like that idea.
Erica B. says
I totally agree with this. We have a daughter that’s a freshman in college this year. While we are assisting with the cost, the brunt of the tuition is being financed through loans in HER NAME! I’m willing to send her an allowance, keep food and beverages in her mini fridge, buy her clothes and books… can’t have her going without since I don’t trust her to work a job and maintain her grades yet. I do agree with you that if your child has Ivy League aspirations, they damn sure better have an Ivy League GPA with award monies coming from the school of their dreams.
Renee_john says
I disagree. I’m currently in college and my parents pay for both my sister and I’s tuition and housing. We both made amazing grades in highschool and have received most of our aid in scholarships and grants, but it all really comes down to how much money your parents make per year that affects financial aid. I have seen students who have to struggle and pay their own way through school because either their parents could not afford it, or their parents had the mindset that you could do it on your own. These same students either take longer to complete school, drop out entirely because money becomes more important, or they succeed and graduate.
Maybe it’s the American mindset that requires everyone to work hard for what they have, but as a first generation American, my parents believe that they would rather go without than to see my sister and I fail at school worrying about money. At the end of the day it comes down to knowing your child. If your child is not good enough or motivated enough to go through college, then don’t let them go. Too many people nowadays believe that everyone can and must go to college, but quite frankly it’s only for those who can afford to go, or who’s a mini Einstein.
Gwen Jimmere says
I somewhat disagree with you Renee. Perhaps my story is not the norm, but my parents did not pay for either my bachelor’s or masters degrees. I worked my way through school and yes, I incurred a massive amount of debt, but I graduated with my bachelors in two and a half years, instead of the expected 4 or even the standard 5-6. I graduated summa cum laude both times. My grades were very good,in part, because it was my money and it was up to me to make sure all the debt and money I personally spent wasn’t going to waste. I have something to show for the debt incurred and a career to match. Most of my friends whose parents paid for their tuition never graduated. Their parents have the debt and there’s nothing to show for it. Contrary to your point, my friends whose parents footed the bill did not graduate with incredibly high grades and most dropped out. The accountability wasn’t there for them like it was for me and others I knew like me. Now that I have a son, I don’t want him to have to struggle, but he has to have some sort of hand in paying for his tuition. Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to give him a free ride. I love the idea above of paying 15% sophomore year and so on through graduation. I think that’s a great idea.
Anonymous says
I am of two minds. If a parent CAN afford to pay for their child’s college education then I believe that the parent can, not necessarily should.
Paying for college outright is a privilege of the extreme wealthy – many of whom expect their children to pay for their own expenses anyway or get a scholarship in academics or sports. Why do you think there are so many sports in the collegiate world that don’t have professional leagues – lacrosse, field hockey, rowing, etc. Expensive sports that are dominated by the children of the wealthy and elite.
For the average middle class family to think that it is possible to pay for a child’s college education outright – IMHO they are foolish. The parents are jeopardizing their future for their child.
I know plenty of people who had their parents pay for their education and who are now in unsustainable jobs, living on credit and a pray and still going to the Bank of Mom and Dad in their 30’s and 40’s. Some of these people have attained their degree, most haven’t. Because they knew their parents were footing the bill and they didn’t have to put in the effort that I and others had too.
There is nothing wrong with accepting financial aid in any form.
The best education is not received from the best school.
The best education is a free one.
Ann says
I believe that parents should have a certain amount set aside to Help with tuition and only tuition, if the budget allows it. Almost like a “rainy day” fund. But not let the child know. The child should be pushed to make their own tuition but if something happens and they can’t (and you know they have tried to pay their own tuition) then there is the fund. Now, if you have the money to pay tuition, then help pay for it, but only on one condition, if the child is a dedicated student or not. My husband is ex-military and would have paid for my step-sons tutition, but the childs mother chose to find other ways to pay for it and is seeking others(outside if him) to help. Silly, I know. Now my step-son has to worry about his tutition being paid. He is a dedicated student and I would not like for him to be worried about paying it. Also if parents are paying tuition/books, then the child has to get a job to cover other living expenses.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
I think that if parents have the means to finance their child’s college education after the child has gotten whatever other scholarships etc. that they can to finance it they should, but that doesn’t mean going broke. If the kid didn’t get an Ivy League scholarship and you don’t have Ivy League money then they don’t need to be going to an Ivy League school.
While I do think that a good education is important, it has also become a justifiable way to spend way more money than you should on something you can’t afford. Parents and kids need to recognize that there are more options than sending your kid away to an expensive school. If your money is such that you can only truly afford to send your child to the college in your city while they live at home then that is what should happen. Some kids may have to go to community college first, some people might have to work their way through school- the going away, full-ride, dorm life is unfortunately not going to be a reality for everyone and parents and kids need to be realistic about that.
Browni673 says
I wanted to go to a college and my parents didnt have the money. I went to a very competitive school so my 80 average was nothing, then too boot – I had little SAT prep and my SAT score was low. It took me bery long to finish my associates degree bouncing from college, trying to work to pay for college and I still have school loans at 37. I encourage my children 14 and 8 to get good grades b/c momma’s assistant wont be enough to pay for it all. I think that if they get good grades, which she is averaging about 95 every semester since stepping in middle school, and can handle the school of their choice – go for it, search for scholarships, search for workstudy, search for programs that provides grants – We are underinformed as a people and dont have access to the information – other folk have. Other races (maybe their finances are better) put their children through college, and then when they graduate help set them up in their first aptment etc. – They also have tutors, send their children to summer programs and extensive test prep. Ive tried my best and yes it has broken my pockets in some instances not to the point where I will lose my house, but she’s attended Center for Talented Youth of John Hopkins University for 2 – 3 week summer camp – she loved it, since that time she has been at the top of her class in math and science, she always wants to go back, but unfortunately money is the issue. You would be suprised how many programs provide financial aid. If my parents had the money, the information re: how to help a child excel at school – I would be in a better position. I am grateful for where I am and will continue my education at some point, but my children come first – God shelter, education, food and clothes.
Ashleigh L.A. says
I wish just getting good grades was all people had to do. Costs are going up. I came out of high school with a 3.5 GPA and I was lucky enough to have a scholarship. Even then, I still had to ask my mother for money. At the fault of my own, I lost my scholarship but I am working HARD to get through school and I’ve still been able to have my financial aid cover my costs. I have had friends, many with good grades, have to take a semester off or leave school all together because of money issues. My school’s system is facing a budget crisis and as a result, we’ve had fee increases thrown at us left and right. Just last year, we had a $200 per semester fee thrown at us in the middle of the year, after the financial aid deadline. Consequently, many people had to pay out of pocket. On top of this, there’s books (bookstores WILL rip you off), shady financial aid practices, dorms, apartments, food and a host of other things to pay for. A refund check can only last for so long. I’m working a seasonal job right now and I’m looking for another. Did I make mistakes as a dumb freshman? Yes. Am I paying for them? Yes. Is my mom being easy on me? Hell no. I don’t think it’s right to make assumptions based on a CNN excerpt.
justsayin says
Parents should absolutely not pay for college. As others have said I raised my kids from early on to know that I would not be paying for it. That if they truly, truly wanted to go they would get good grades. To date my daughter got a FULL SCHOLARSHIP to college. Ipay for hair, spending money, clothing, food etc… If they want to go, they will. I have a cousin that signed her name on 2 of her kids loans and they both dropped out and now she is stuck with the balance. NO thank you!
2011parent says
Everyone should encourage their children to get good grades as soon as children can understand what grades are. However for those of you that think good grades automatically equal scholarships and $$, that is not always the case. Getting into most schools outside of a community college, is very very competitive these days and there are hundreds if not thousands of other kids whose parents have given them the get good grades, participate in extracurricular activities, advanced coursework and community service speech. There is a pool of $$ available to be shared amongst the incoming freshmen, transfer students and current students at any school and it is not unlimited just because you have 1000 students with great grades. Most financial aid is based on the the parents/guardians financial standing per the info on the FAFSA (Dept of Edu) forms that are completed each year. There is much more financial aid for families with lower incomes than good grades. I am at the tail end of this cycle thank goodness, as my child will graduate from college with the class of 2011. I was unwilling to do anything that would jeopardize my ability to take care of my family living expenses to pay for my child’s college educations, however she has blossomed in college and makes good grades, so I am willing to do whatever I am financially able to to get it done. My advice to anyone is to start early and do your research to find out what is available based on your situation.
Moneymonk says
I thought I was the only one being negative. CNN did a poorjob.
For the couple, they should have let the house go. The lady does not work or make money, no side hustles or anything she wanted a handout from the paster.
For as the college guy–WORK. Why did you choose an expensive school? You could have went to community college for two years and then finish at a 4 year to cut costs. Or you could have stayed home and not live on campus.
Carl was the only guy I favored. Everyday he was grinding.
Kisha says
My kids’ grandparents (their father’s parents) has HUNDRED’S of thousands of dollars in PLUS loans sending 3 kids to college which NONE of them completed a degree. They were just paying and paying and paying. And now, at 51 and 56 they are STILL paying and paying and paying! And their youngest – who was actually successful at college – they couldn’t afford to help her at all. But they make too much money for her to qualify for financial aid like PELL, etc.
Anonymous says
It is a great idea to have kids responsible for funding their education however, parents & students must clearly understand the difference between Merit and Need based aid and the EFC in this funding discussion. The early you learn, the better prepared you are to face your unique funding needs when the time comes to finance a college education.
Your Expected Family Contribution (EFC) is the amount of money calculated by the FREE Application for Federal Aid (FAFSA). This is the amount of money that the family is expected to contribute to the cost of attendance at any school.
The majority of grants and scholarships available are Need based – meaning, regardless of a child’s grades, the parent’s income must fall below certain levels to qualify for that award.
Only the dollar amount above the EFC to meet the cost of attendance at each school is the amount of need based aid the student qualifies for. Meaning if your EFC is 20,000 and you child attends a school for 17,000, you are responsible for the entire cost. If your EFC is 20,000 and your child chooses an Ivy at what 60,000 ?, you qualify for 40,000 in need based aid. But your family is still on the hook for 20,000 each year. In qualifying for the 40K in need based, you will also find many awards have stated income limits- so regardless of needing 40K for school, if you make say more than 70K, your student may not be eligible to apply for that particular award. The higher your income, the fewer need based awards are available to you and the higher your EFC will be.
Merit based awards are based on performance like athleticism, academic achievement, or affiliation with a group or organization. Families can usually use merit based awards to cover their EFC costs and beyond. These awards are harder to obtain because the pool of need based students can also be eligible for these awards.
Parents who fall between the limits of need based aid and a fully funded college savings account are faced with a very different options for educating their children. Your income has a direct impact on your child’s options to fund their own education.
And the cherry on top of all this is that all these awards are given for 1 year – some are renewable. Meaning each year of college, the student must jump through all these loops again in the hopes of getting the necessary funding to continue through to graduation.
All this info & more is available on the FAFSA.ed.gov site (FAFSA website is http://www.fafsa.ED.GOV not .com or .org or any other hoodwink site that might charge you to apply or collect sensitive ID theft type info on you. So watch your back.)
Sce32203 says
I really like the position this article takes because I am the mother of 3 (one adult child-lives independently and twins) and on today’s cost it would be daunting to try and pay for college costs for two children actively enrolled in college at the same time. Like you made reference to earlier, where is it written that a parent must pay for a higher education and if kids want these Ivy League educations that calls for Ivy League performances prior to college to help make that happen. My kids and I (currently as 7th graders) have been discussing and planning the last few years on working towards their AA while in high school for FREE, so when they graduate high school they will have two years completed under their belts and can start working right away and finish their college education simultaneously. Many may consider this cruel, but my male child wants to play professional sports and can do so if the goals we have set forth are achieved. He will be able to afford his remaining two years of college with no problem. My female child right now has mentioned being a veterinarian, but with her already having two years of community college would be able to also, work and complete the remaining part of her professional goals faster. She is into cosmetology, which we all know is flexible and can be worked around her schedule. I am also assisting both of them to think “outside the box” and still accomplish their goals.
Ashleigh L.A. says
Thank you! I hate that people are making it seem like good grades fix everything.
2011parent says
You are absolutely on point here. My child has been on the dean’s list every semester while in college. We have received no additional scholarships or awards, because of her fantastic grades, my EFC has been the sole factor in determining what aid we received.
Elle0626 says
I currently have two kids in college. Both are in Ivy League colleges. The first thing is, there is no MERIT aid at most, if not all of the Ivies, although they do have pretty generous financial aid that is NEED based. While I wouldn’t mortgage my future to send my kids to Ivies, I do feel that if my child has done what it takes to reach that level, I should do what I can to help them. College costs too much to expect kids to foot their own bill. The Ivies draw from the top 1% of students, they can’t give merit aid to everyone, but like I said, if you qualify, based primarily on your FAFSA, you can get generous aid. If a family can’t afford their expected family contribution (EFC) then I wouldn’t advise a parent to go into debt since a child who can get into an Ivy, can get a full ride at some pretty decent schools based on merit. The flip side of this is, I see a lot of parents living large and saying they won’t pay for college. What people spend their money on is what they value. Our family values education, so that’s what we spend our money on. One other thing to consider, children who attend highly selective schools tend to graduate on time. So one thing to look at is a school’s 4 and 5 year graduation rates.
Elle0626 says
One thing that parents should also be aware of is there is a good portion of merit based aid that is also need based. In other words, you have to meet the merit criteria as well as a need component, so just because you meet the merit component, you won’t get the award if you don’t meet the financial need criteria.
Aaron L Daniels says
Parents are supposed to help their children. They are not supposed to lose their house to give their children their hearts’ desire. Not with toys and telephones. Not with school.
With all the options for higher education available, it is alright if we don’t take back all our injustices in one swoop. I set aside a specific amount for each of my three children. I told them what it was. If my amount was not enough to cover their “dream” school I let them know early that it was up to them to make up the difference. My oldest took his and went to truck driving school. He’s now an entrepreneur, owning his own truck. My middle child took the military route and got a lot of extra help from Uncle Sam. The baby is going to community college, rolling over the excess to finish her degree at her “dream” school.
Wayne says
Again…a lack of knowing all available resources will keep us ‘behind the 8 ball’. My first son graduated from high school 3 years ago. I promised myself that his education would be paid for if he wanted to go to college. With all available scholarships and both private and government subsidized funding, his $84,000.00 bill was paid before he registered. Out of our pocket we paid $3500.00…everything else was scholarship application from the site fastweb.com. (My son decided to walk away from the school 3 weeks after he started to chase after a girl…and the school kept the $80,000.00). If you know and utilize ALL AVAILABLE RESOURCES, funding your child’s college does not have to be expensive.
Simmonz says
Very interesting comments. I am one that believes that you pay for what YOU value. Otherwords, paying for your own education creates character and appreciation. I guess back in my day (43 years ago) things were different. I came from a single mother family with a little brother 7 years younger and my mom struggled but made ends meet for us and I certainly knew it. Therefore, even though I wasted my high school years and could have qualified for NationalNegro Merit Scholarships but I had mediocre grades I worked my first year out of high school. Got real tired of not getting anywhere so I was very motivated towards junior college. Mom helped me with first $150 which then covered 12 hrs full time schooling. After that I quickly learned the funding game of me doing my own financing with the Financial Aid offices with gov’t loans back then. 2nd year moms helped me again with another $150 in tuition and that was the last time she came out of her pocket ever. I transfered to one of the top city universities with grants, scholarships, loans and “Work Study” jobs and financed the rest of my education even some of grad school. I stayed on the deans list most of my college career which was very different than my high chool years where I wasted my brain. I had a more robust attitude about college and took it as my responsibility and I think that made the biggest difference with my attitude about paying for my educationmostly myself. My son didn’t develope that attitude so I didn’t give him any money to waste and he still doesn’t appreciate what we did provide for him even without college being saved for. It is all in the student (person) and about what they really want for themselves. By the way I helped my mother the rest of her life by contributing to her and the family and she valued my independence for the next 25 years til she passed away. Seems it is always about the character!
Ceecee says
The title of this shouldn’t be “Why Parent should not pay for college” it should be “Parents should live within their means and teach their children the same thing”. If they can afford $400 a month credit card bills they can afford to pay their mortgage. Most parents try too hard to keep up with the Joneses. Well according to the commerical the Joneses are up to their eyeballs in debt. We buy playstations, ipods,cell phones, jordans and nonsense but we think it’s too much to pay for EDUCATION. Yes, scholarships and grants are available but may not fund all of a students financial need. How many of us are without college degrees because our parents couldn’t afford to help or didn’t want to(Been there). While I agree everyday living should be the number one priority I also believe retirement and some savings for college should be number two. There are options such as 529 plans or prepaid tuition that can help fund even a small portion of tuition. I started a 529 when my son was in elementary school with $40 a month and bought a prepaid tuition contract when he hit middle school for $100 a month. I’ve told my son he has to start at a community college to cut cost and I will pay for the tuition and his first year at a University and he is responsible for books and room & board and the last year. We will still apply for scholarships and whatever grant aid we can but that is never a guarantee. I work with people who don’t even question whether they will write a check for college for their children . An I agree with them.
Wayne says
You know something…after my son walked away from college, I started to accept that college is not for everybody. I wanted him to study sports medicine…he disappointed the hell outa me…but all the better that he walked away before building up a massive tuition reimbursement debt. I have 12 more to go…and I will send them all if they so choose…but I damn sure don’t think that parents should go broke sending their kids to college. I am a Cornell University grad…self payed. I took my series 3,6,7,63,24, and 27 and retired at 33 years old and then went to Cornell. I believe it is better for kids to go to school part time…while they work full time as to keep a positive financial balance. Right after high school(graduated in 1985), I started a company and kept expanding it while I went to a community college.(studied fashion at a community college and fell back on that education when I started the Colours clothing line). There is no right way to do it…work first…college later…or vice versa…or both at the same time. All I know is that A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.
Wayne says
You know something…after my son walked away from college, I started to accept that college is not for everybody. I wanted him to study sports medicine…he disappointed the hell outa me…but all the better that he walked away before building up a massive tuition reimbursement debt. I have 12 more to go…and I will send them all if they so choose…but I damn sure don’t think that parents should go broke sending their kids to college. I am a Cornell University grad…self payed. I took my series 3,6,7,63,24, and 27 and retired at 33 years old and then went to Cornell. I believe it is better for kids to go to school part time…while they work full time as to keep a positive financial balance. Right after high school(graduated in 1985), I started a company and kept expanding it while I went to a community college.(studied fashion at a community college and fell back on that education when I started the Colours clothing line). There is no right way to do it…work first…college later…or vice versa…or both at the same time. All I know is that A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE.
Anna says
Where is it written that parents MUST pay for their childs higher learning? I told my children early (probably daycare) that they needed to get good grades so they could go to college.;
~~~~~~~~~~
I thought I was a bad mother, I told my kids the same thing. 2/3 of my kids knew I meant it. LOL. I don’t have a college education and didn’t find it my job to pay for my kids to get one. Ppl don’t realize that ppl have scholarships for the most oddest reasons. I. E. , if your dogs name is Buddy write a essay and get a $2000 scholarhip, if your great grandpa’s name is Ed, write a essay and get a $1000 scholarship. One of my daughters graduated high school w/a $26,000 scholarship, the other had $10,000. That money goes by fast.
Anonymous says
I like this idea, because it gives the child a chance to prove that they are serious about their education. If they get good grades, then they’ll get rewarded. Otherwise, they won’t. Isn’t that the message we send when we give them a dollar or two for getting good grades in middle and high school?
Roger Madison says
I like all the comments I have seen here. I went to college on scholarships, flunked out due to bad study habits, and was at least comforted that it didn’t cost my parents. Seven years later, I returned to college and graduated with nearly a 4.0 average. The only thing that hurt my average was that first year.
I learned a lesson from that that I passed on to my children. I graduated at 31 instead of 21. That cost me 10 years of earnings that I can never recover from. I was competing with 23 year-olds at age 35 to get job promotions. I was slowed in part by having to work and go to school at the same time I was supporting a wife and 2 children. THAT WAS HARD!
The lesson I learned was to help my children prepare for college starting at age 2. When I graduated, my son was 5, and he said “Dad, why aren’t you going to school? Did you do something wrong and they sent you home?” He understood that school was of paramount importance to me, and also to him. So, when he graduated from high school, he knew the value of a college education to his future. He was prepared to go. I wasn’t when I was 17.
The other lesson I taught them was the importance of parental support. I didn’t want my children to have the extra burdens that I had to carry while going to school. So, I made a bargain with them — you perform well in college, and I will pay (whatever remains after scholarships and grants). I wanted them to have the head start that those 23 year-olds had over me when I was competing for a management position at age 35. My position at that time was that it was my parental responsibility to pay. I wanted my children to have a better life than mine, but to be prepared to earn it. It wasn’t a gift. It was a mutual commitment to prepare for adult life.
We were blessed that both our children finished college (our daughter earned a Ph. D.), and they have been self-supporting since graduation. No moving back in with us to “get myself together.”
We spent 3 years in Africa when my son was 22 years old, and he lived in our home. He maintained it well, paid all the bills with access to my checking account, and didn’t wreck the place with wild parties with his friends. He learned financial responsibility, and how to take care of a home among those lessons in life, when he was growing up and preparing for this responsibility.
As for the family in “Almighty Debt,” they had lots of problems, including a daughter with little understanding of managing credit. A 16 year-old should not even have a credit card! The question for these parents had little to do with whether they should pay for their daughter’s college. They didn’t practice good money management, and they didn’t prepare their daughter for college or a responsible life.
We paid for college for our children because we prepared to do so from their birth. Helping our children become responsible adults is a parental responsibility. How much to help is a function of each family’s means. What I have read from parents who responded to this, is that all of these parents are willing to help as much as they can. That is the lesson. They should not guarantee children a free college education when they don’t have the means to do so.
College is becoming a necessary step into adulthood for many children. Parents should help their children prepare for, and get through this phase with love, encouragement, and financial assistance if they are able. If they aren’t able, children should learn the lessons of responsibility that prepare them to work while they study for their personal success in life.
mochazina says
Agreed!! That EFC is a monster!! (However, I believe that a way to get around it would be for grandparents to hold the college savings fund…? Someone should try that and see if it works! LOL) School sponsored/federal aid will not do it all for middle class families, even if the kid has excellent grades.
Also, let’s not forget those private scholarships! We have to be aware of those lil $500 awards that various organizations give. It may be a lot of work to find them, but I had a friend in college who LIVED off them because he had MANY small scholarships. They will add up, but we have to be aware of them.
Nicollette says
My parents wouldn’t pay for mine, and on top of that, they made too much for me to get financial aid. So, I initially thought it was wrong that my mom required me to go to college, given those facts. I only did average in high school, so I went to a local community college. I was tired of going there and working at McD’s, so after two semesters, I made what I feel was the best decision I have made in my life, I joined the Army specifically for the Army college fund. I only did 4 years, and it covered my Associates and the majority of my Bachelor’s degree. The rest of my Bachelor’s was paid with student loans, which totaled $12,000 and I have since paid that off.
For my own children, my husband and I have started college funds. But, the emphasis is on preparing them by setting expectations of good grades to possibly get scholarships. There is always the military though. If it wasn’t for the wars, I would encourage any young person to join.
Lamar Tyler says
Great comment as always
Tamara says
I feel sorry for my parents, they were most definitely indoctrinated in the whole “Go to college, because then you are assured a good job”. My father finished college when i was 4 but my mother took a couple classes but never finished. I had NO idea why i had to go to college, just that it was expected of me. So far, ive become a hybrid of them both, i have 2 classes left but ALL the school debt, one loan that is in my mothers name. I COULD have gone to the city school, worked part time nights and had a free education, but NOOO i wanted to go to an out of state HCBU. Not to mention, i had a full ride to the in state school before that and promptly lost the scholarship my freshman year. Im pretty sure my parents are very disappointed in how i treated my education, heck im disappointed in myself as hindsight is 20/20 (the funny part is that my lack of a degree hasnt kept me from progressing in my degree field this whole time whereas my degreed husband has been laid off for the better part of the last 2 years with employers passing him up left and right for less educated applicants). Should I have kids, my experiences will most definitely color how I view their education. I will help but i will NOT be the sole payor. I have other ideas about why we think college is necessary for EVERYONE in this society, but for the most part, yea, i will NOT be tryna go into debt trying to pay for all of my unborn’s college education.
Larry says
Perhaps parents should not be expected to pay for college – but students in today’s world need some type of higher education after high school. It doesn’t not have to be a 4-year university education and doesn’t have to be at some top notch college. What was true for those who went to school in the 50s, 60s and 70s is not true today. The problems students have with higher education are:
1) They are diectionless – don’t know what they want to take in school after high school
2) They did not learn good ways to study so higher education classes seem so hard and many drop out and end up with debt
3) There are many people with a college education who we’ll be competing with for top jobs
4) Talent is important but a good education foundation is more trusted and many who decide those who advance or don’t view a college education as valuable all other things being equal
5) Too many students don’t go where the jobs are and expect to find a good job in the town they grew up in – not true today
6) Students are not willing to work while in school or look hard enough for scholarship and grant money that may be available – it’s a job, not a right
Lots of students don’t have a good foundation in knowing how to study and just study skills don’t cut it any more – students need a study system that will help them in school and after they finish school since they’ll be getting training for the rest of their lives
Check out https://www.yoursuccessinschool.com – for a good study system for students in Middle School, High School, Higher Eduation and College, Adults returning to School
to be able to learn with any teacher, instructor, professor
Dimples_76 says
I think that this is a very interesting article and some of the comments just blow my mind. With certain comments from the article, it is no wonder that we as a people are lagging behind. I was talking with a co-worker one day and we (being the minority: college educated African Americans) were discussing that in other races, it is not “if they will go to college”, but “which one they will go to”. In other cultures, education is a mandatory neccesity. Now a four year university is not for everyone, but there is a serious lack of making education of some type a priority in our community. Why is that? Now, I don’t condone going into any debt to put a child through school, but if we as a people can make getting an education a priority and educating ourselves on how to foot the bill without going into debt, then it will be better for all of us. Taking in information from The_A is a good start. When I was putting myself through college ( on Ramen Noodles LOL), my parent’s EFC kept me from getting ANY funding, yet they could not afford to pay my tuition. So I was in a rough position and they never encouraged me to continue school either, but it was my determination that led me to graduation. But my family wasnt able to give me any pointers on how to pay for college, because not one of them went or made it a priority. This subject is almost a double-edged sword, but if we can get our priorities shifted and, then hopefully we can get further as a people. FAFSA.com is a good start.
Chocolate Mom says
As a teacher and parent I make it a point to tell all of my children whether from my loins or another that they must study hard to get those academic scholarships. If they’re lucky and they play a sport or instrument or can dance or draw, great! But I want my kids to get into the colleges of their choices based on their brains not their slam dunks. My daughter is 10 years old and can tell anyone when asked the question, how will you pay for college? – “I will will get all 90s from studying and get a scholarship for being smart!!”
Teach them young and the lesson will save you thousands!!!
Bryan says
For us as a people to say that we value education and not be willing to contribute to our children’s college funds or tuitions is short sighted and misguided. Understand that academic scholarships are harder to get than ever before. Corporations, nonprofits, charities, state governments, and universities are cutting back on the amount that is given and making the requirements harder and harder. Good grades help, but it is not enough and if a parent truly wants their kid to be successful in life, you need to develop a plan early to help pay for college. For those mothers and fathers who told there elementary age kids that they weren’t going to pay for college, they had 12 years to put as little as $50 dollars a month aside. Why do you want your kids to begin their adult life saddled with debt. Every dollar they have to pay back is a dollar that they can’t put towards a house down payment or an IRA. For a parent to willingly not help a child with their education means that that parent does not truly value education.
And we should stop trying to send our kids to community colleges. Most students there never transfer to a four year university and those that do are missing out on so much of the college experience. A good college education is more than just the requisite number of credit hours. For example, a student that starts at a four year university has three summers (after freshman, sophomore, and junior year) to get good internships that will help when applying for jobs or graduate school. That is three opportunities to get real world experience. If you are transferring from a community college you only have one, junior year. These students miss out on two years of networking, building leadership skills, and opportunities to get close to key professors and university partners. Community college is good if you’re not ready for a four year, or not serious enough yet about college. But, to send a kid to a community college just to save money, is shortchanging their earning potential down the line.
Dimples_76 says
Amen !!!!!
Kisha says
While good grades DON’T equal EVERYTHING…ask a student with POOR grades how likely they were to receive ANY scholarship dollars…
TCB says
I can’t believe these comments. My husand and I attended a pretty expensive school, incurred student loans mostly b/c we didn’t have anyone to pay for it. (It wasn’t a priority). We both struggled, took out loans and pushed through. We have paid everything back. We realized that we are going to have to make a choice between what we pay for college or private school, but we know this, we are going to invest in them in order to provide them the best choices in life. So, if we can’t afford ivy leagues, we are going to send them to private school from kindergarten up OR send them to the best public schools here (we intentionally purchased our home in the city w/the best public schools) with supplemental activities in sports and/or music and something spiritual. It’s simply NOT enough to tell them you won’t pay for college and then not guide them from pre-k up on how to secure a scholarship. I hope this is what everyone is doing in lieu of not paying for college. Again, I’m blown away by these comments…
Anna says
@Bryan. Some kids don’t appreciate things until they have to pay for it themselves. Some try harder when it comes out of their own pocket, some need to see their hard work pay off. I think some kids slack off when it’s mommy and daddy’s money. I know kids who mom and dad paid for an expensive private (high school)education, they took the kid out of private school and put them in public, why pay for private school if your child is going to bring home C’s & D’s? We as parents love our children and want them to get a higher education. Some kids are not cut out for school. Is there something wrong with a kid wanting to be a Fireman, Mechanic or Sanitation/Garbage man? Having a higher education does not mean more money. Some parents stress their kids out so much(wanting them to go to college for what the parent wants them to be)that it becomes a “Epic Fail”. Some kids don’t even know what a bill is until they graduate college, and have to pay back their student loan(s). Each child is different, they can have the same parents, all grow up in the same household but see things different apart from their siblings and their parents dreams for them. I would rather have a happy child w/a career they are passioniate about, then a miserable child who follows in a parents dream/footsteps. It’s not my life, it’s theirs. My point. Some parents only pay for college if the kid picks a field the parents choose. Some kids may find the most expensive college to go to for the “prestigue” and know mommy and daddy are going to foot the bill, and really don’t care what grades they get, they are away in a dorm away from mom and dad, at a school that looks good on a resume’. I am not going to take out a second mtg. for my kid to go to college. A medical precedure “yes”. Many parents may have saved for their kids to go to college, things happened w/our economy. If the money was not put in a 529 or some kind of investment other than a savings the parents may of had to use it to keep their own selves “afloat” from foreclosure, divorce, hardship.
Tiya says
Totally agree!
Bryan says
Anna,
The first part of your comment doesn’t address the issue. The issue is paying for college, not if your kid is cut out for it. Save for college. Assume that they will soar academically. Actually have faith in your child’s abilities. And then, as they become teenagers or young adults and start figuring out what they want to do with their lives, they may decide they don’t want to go to college. That’s fine. Most 529s allow you to transfer the savings from one child to another, or withdraw them and only pay some tax on the interest accrued. I’d rather be prepared for my kid to succeed and accept that they don’t want to go college, than have a kid yearning for higher education and not being able to pay for it. Yes, your kid may slack off in school. If that is the case, then you can pull the money and not pay for the next semester or make your kid pay back what they spent. By saving for college, you have more options down the road to address these situations. If you don’t save, you are handicapping your kids right out the gate.
Second, we need to stop with this mentality that it is enough if our children don’t go to college. According to the Department of Education, the median salary for someone with a high school diploma is 25,000, for a Bachelor’s degree it is 45,000. (https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=77) They don’t have the information for those with technical degrees or associates, but my guess is that it is somewhere in between. The empirical evidence and facts are against you. Despite the few stories and examples we have about people not going to college, college does equal more money. And as for the examples that you mentioned, firemen do typically need some form of education, whether it is an associates or medical training. Plus, at my alma mater, we had degrees in Fire and Emergency Management and Fire Protection and Safety. If your child wants to move up the ladder, then the people with the BS in these programs are going to be ahead of them. Being a mechanic requires going to a community college or a vocational school, and if they open their own shop, or want a loan to open a shop, they would do well to have taken some business classes. As for being a garbage man, that is fine if you never want to move up, but you can only get promoted so far and then there is a wall you cant get over without an education. Plus for firemen and garbage men, their salaries, budgets, and raises are made by people with degrees. But, most college savings plans allow you to use the money for vocational schools. There are over 200 degree options at some universities. Surely, theres one that will peak a students interest, if his parents have saved for him to go.
Bryan says
It is all about having a mindset for success. I’m saying, reevaluate your priorities. Why are people so willing to take out massive car loans on something that will immediately depreciate in value as soon as you take it home, but not willing to save for college. Why are you willing to buy your kid the most expensive phone or gaming system and pay for internet access and text messaging on it, but not put money away for college. No one is saying take out a second mortgage on your house. If your kid is in high school, it is too late to start to save. But if your kid is eighth grade or below, then save, save, save.
MTM says
I disagree with most of the people here. My parents bent over backwards to send me to an Ivy League school. That education has provided a return on investment that will pay off for generations to come. To me, college is the new high school. My kids are going, period. If they have the grades for Ivy League and they want to go, they will go. I know my undergrad now makes very generous grants for those who can’t afford to pay. They don’t even do student loans anymore. I did work study during college for pocket money. They can too.
They can finance their own graduate school, as I have done. The people I know who are building generational wealth are putting down payments on houses for their children too. I hope to be able to do that for my kids — help them get a house, then make them responsible for the payments and the upkeep. If we don’t invest in our children, who will?
Lisa says
I completely agree with this, and I’m frankly surprised at how many parents make a declaration early that they will absolutely not pay for their children’s college education. I mean, not even bother to start a small fund and put aside a small amount per month that would at least help in the process. It’s not that difficult.
I was observing a Jewish family I know that had a Bar Mitzvah for their son and how the relatives all gave money that went directly into the boy’s college fund. A Jewish friend of mine was able to graduate from a very good private college (not Ivy League, but a Midwestern school that very well could be) without any student loan debt. Now, when she was threatening to act up, her parents told her that her college money would be cut off, so it’s not like she got it for free. Once she got her act together, the money continued.
It’s nice that she was able to pursue low-paying (or non-paying) internships over the summer that helped make her job search easier instead of having to hustle to just stay in school. Like most of us, she and her family are struggling in this current economy, but it really helps that she doesn’t have student loan debt hanging over her head because her family’s forethought is now reaping benefits for her children (their grandchildren).
Sometimes, I think “we” are so focused on teaching our kids the value of hard work and hustling that we miss the big picture… which is that we are already setting our kids up to be in the hole and competitively behind other groups in which parents and families see it as an obligation (and dare I say, a privilege) to pay for their children. You’ve got some white grandparents setting up 529 accounts for their grandkids as soon as they pop out the womb and putting a nice amount each year in that account instead of buying them frivolous birthday and Christmas presents.
So yes, I will proudly pay for my children’s college educations and will start a college fund for them as soon as they are born. Yes, I will expect excellence and cut them off for foolishness, but I owe them more than just food, clothing and shelter if I choose to bring them into the world. It is also my role to set them up to succeed and thrive in this world, and saddling them with a mountain of debt just because I don’t “feel like” paying for their college educations is doing them a terrible disservice.
LA says
As someone who has accumulated tens of thousands in student loan debt for both undergrad and grad school, I plan to pay as much as my husband and I can afford for our children’s higher education. I stress “as much as we can afford”. No parent should be expected to go into the poor house to pay for Harvard or community college if they don’t have the means.
Even though I received scholarships to help pay for both undergrad and grad school, I still had to take out loans to supplement what I couldn’t by working. With private colleges costing upwards of $40-50K/yr now (and rising), full ride scholarships are a thing of the past even for the most gifted students. I want to do for my kids what my parents could not do for me. I want them to graduate college and concentrate on finding a career they WANT and enjoy doing, not just finding a job for the sake of being able to pay off their student loans they’ve incurred.
Normbograham says
My parents did NOT pay for college, but I went, etc. While I was angry at the time, I realize now, that my parents raised very independent children. One who found a way to pay for college, WHILE GOING full time. The “republican” ideals, as applied to parenting create some very independent children, even if they are angry.
My x-wife, is still dependent and expects help from her elderly mother, because she chose not to work more that month. I see the choices my father made gave him a nice retirement, and when he didnt pay, others paid, and no one suffered. Now, as I approach retirement (before 50), I notice that others who went to ivy leage schools, and got a bit glutneous at the student loan desk, will work into retirement. Helping children, encouraged the children to ask for more.
Parents should understand their primary goal is to raise independent children. This means not giving them everything.
Superdoopermaz says
Yale has an %8 acceptance rate. The daughter’s grades obviously match the criteria. The tuition is still high not because of her lack of focus in pursuing good grades but because the selectivity of the school allows the school to fill her spot easily. Being that only a select number of people can attend Yale, one tries to do anything possible to make it happen. Building a platform for a child that has OBVIOUSLY worked very hard is worth temporary struggle in an attempt to end the family pattern for the future children of poverty. This view is disgusting and ignorant. Times are changing and a community college degree won’t make one competitive in the near future.