Did you know your personal values, ideals and goals significantly contribute to the behaviors you display in your relationship? Unfortunately not all of them are suitable for a marriage. We aren’t usually intentional or even mindful of the language, emotions and actions we use daily or where they originate. As one would assume, who we are, as an adult. is the aftereffect of how we were raised as a child. We are all a product of the verbal and nonverbal messaging presented in our homes.
It’s easy to discount that thought when dealing with the challenges of having a committed relationship. We have an inclination to do what appeared to have worked for our parents. Many childhood observations transform into our grown up beliefs. Again, a number of those beliefs are quite damaging, let’s examine a few.
Using words as weapons is a toxic belief that literally destroys marriages. If loud, disrespectful conversations were customary in the childhood home, it now becomes tolerable in the adult relationship. Many of us believe this is the only way to communicate. What we fail to realize is our message gets lost, we are no closer to a resolution, and that behavior slowly begins to shatter the foundation of the partnership. As adults, we possess the power to control our choice of words as well as their delivery. Pausing before we speak and acknowledging this is a person we actually love should help suppress our desire to lash out.
Making your spouse feel expendable is another unhealthy relationship belief. Those of us who grew up in a single parent home witnessed that one parent make all of the decisions without relying on input from anyone else. Quite naturally, we carry that belief into our grown up relationships. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always benefit the relationship. Independence is sexy to some and empowering for the person who owns it. However, being too Independent and behaving in such a way that our partner questions their purpose in the relationship is dangerous. Not allowing our mates to contribute to the decision-making, financial planning, and child-rearing, challenges the very idea of partnership. Trusting our partners with our hearts and future, as well as showing him/her they are needed is very necessary for marriage success.
Thinking spiritual guidance, therapy or counseling is only for “crazy folks” is one more harmful belief. Many of us witnessed our parents struggle through internal battles and personal difficulties and never seek help or guidance. The effects caused destructive behaviors which led to unhealthy relationships. It may have been taboo when we were children, but couples and individuals do themselves a disservice when they suffer in silence. Prayer and consistent worship practices are essential to a grounded marriage. Therapist, Counselors and Coaches are equipped with the training, life experience and tools to assist us in overcoming many of the daily battles we face. Making our self-care a priority not only heals us, it restores our marriage as well.
If you have been practicing any or all of the beliefs listed above, it is time to take a deeper look into the impact it has on your relationship. Whenever our marriage experiences those moments of strife and struggle, it is a must that we examine the personal beliefs we’ve brought into the partnership.
Couples cannot prosper and build the relationship they desire if becoming more aware of destructive beliefs isn’t consistently practiced. Once we recognize what they are, why they exist and the potential damage they cause, we can begin the work. That work includes knowing we need a spiritual foundation and connection, and pursuing the individual transformations we need to be successful in love and marriage.
BMWK, are all of your personal beliefs good for your marriage?