You might be thinking your spouse doesn’t like being questioned. The truth is, not very many of us do. Each individual has their own communication style, including the way they listen, respond and process information. The majority of us have trouble processing information that arrives via nagging, negative energy or even too many questions.
10 Very Specific Questions to Ask Your Spouse
One of the negative ideas I usually coach couples on avoiding, is nagging. Putting pressure on your spouse to communicate with you more, share what they are feeling, or even the handling of the household responsibilities could be overwhelming to both of you. Although we desire for the things in our marriage to be exactly as we planned, it won’t always work out exactly that way. Occasionally, when we bring certain tasks to our spouse, we may not receive our desired result.
Delivery is important
It’s usually in the delivery and type of wording being used. The ask is often in the negative.
- “Can’t you clean up after yourself”?”
- “Why won’t you communicate with me?”
- “Why didn’t you share that with me?”
Of course, we’re asking these questions, as negative as they may be, to gain a better understanding of our spouse. But when an idea is presented to most people in this mode of delivery, they automatically become defensive and fight back. The answer will usually include “because you always…” At that point, the conversation takes a turn for the worse and the couple is off track.
Questions to ask often
In order to stay on track, more often, we should continue to question our spouse. However, there is a certain way and specific questions we should be asking our spouse, pretty often. Here are a few:
- Are you happy?
- What do you need?
- What is needed to make this the best marriage possible?
- How can I show I love you even more?
- What do you love about our marriage?
- What areas need some improvement in our marriage?
- How can I be a better spouse/partner to you?
- What would you like more of in our marriage?
- How can I support you better?
- How can I relieve any of the stress or pressure you may be feeling?
Most couples don’t consider the strategy that’s needed to have effective communication. We learn something new when we listen and share. As we communicate with our spouse, we should be listening to gain insight. Every discussion provides an opportunity not only to connect, but to also really get to know the person we married. Asking the right questions, more often will eliminate most of the negative that surfaces in our relationships.
BMWK, what questions would you add to this list?
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Editor’s Note – This post was originally published on March 9, 2015, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.
I like that, It makes plenty sense to ask, mot demand a answer to a question.
Thank you!
Great questions. Thanks.
Thank you!
Awesome questions and thank you. How can I reword those questions for my situation. My husband and I are newly weds (8mths) but have been separated and living apart for the last 7 months. W have just recently started communicating again and working on our relationship. He is NOT the vocal one in this marriage. Thanks in advance.
Dee, thank you for your honesty. As a newlywed I think you can still use the questions above and add some questions that focus more on foundation and building, like what actions are needed from both of you to build a healthy partnership? What is missing in our marriage? What vision and goals do you both have for this marriage are good places to start.
This is funny. I ask my husband 4 out of the 9 every couple of months and it irritates him. His response,”didn’t you just ask me that?” I ask him any way lol.
I’ve been married 3years and my husband and I have communication problems, so can you give me some advice to open a commersation.
First, understand your style and your husband’s way of communicating. They may not be alike, and that has to be okay. You’ll have to meet each other where you are. Pay attention to body language and other signs. Ask your spouse to share how they best receive and process information and you should share the same.
I would recommend you ask if he is willing to let a third person into our situation and seek a qualified marriage coach, counselor or minister or ministerial couple. Sounds like you need help getting past the blending stage, which takes alot of compromise and empathy as you two become a new version of yourselves.
Thank you for shedding this much needed light. I’m guilty of the negative nag and he’s guilty of you always. I want better in my marriage so starting tonight I’m using your method.
Thank you for shedding this much needed light. I’m guilty of the negative nag and he’s guilty of you always. I want better in my marriage so starting tonight I’m using your method.
Good for you Dene!! God Bless
Thank you so much for this, my husband and I will be celebrating 15yrs of marriage next week and not till recently I’ve been evaluating the way I ask and respond in our conversations.. This helps so much.
Thank you Aleisha, so happy it helped you.
Funny! My husband asks me all of these questions and they annoy annoy the heck out of me. I’m confused right now. Like how does this not seem like nagging?
These questions are solution focused. Hopefully the answers will improve the relationship.
Thank you.
I just reviewed this with my fiancé. Great tools.
Thank you
Thank you for sharing this article. My wife thanks I’m being too sensitive when we discuss this issue in our marriage. I’ve been telling her for years that my issue is “it is not what you are say, but how you say it”. She becomes frustrated and tells me to “man up”. Thankfully, I have the resolve to realize a lot of this has to do with her upbringing and our different communication skills, but I’m lost at how to get this message across to her…..24+yrs married.
I know this dont have to do with anything on your pestopics but this needs to be discussed and stopped.
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