Dear Dr. Buckingham,

My marriage is just 9 months old. My wife is pregnant and I lost my job 6 months ago. I try doing other things to provide for the family but, it’s not easy. My wife works and her salary is OK for us but I know it’s my responsibility. I know she expects more from me but, I’ve been unable to find a job.

Recently, she has been very angry. She calls me all sorts of names and insults me. At one time, she threw my things out of the house because she had to pay the rent. I tried not to talk to her to avoid quarrelling but sometimes I am tempted too retaliate. Three days ago, I told her mom what has been happening. My wife was very angry at this. She always says what happens in the house should stay in the house. I told her that we need counseling but, she refuses any counseling.

A little background: my wife is a divorcee. Her ex left her 10 months into their marriage and never came back. That was 8 years ago.

Could she be reacting based on fear of has happened to her? Do you really think money is the issue? What can I do?

How Do You Cope with a Traumatized Spouse? I love her.

Thanks and Regards,

Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband,

I appreciate your willingness to fight for your marriage. As you stated, you have a few challenges. Your wife is probably struggling with respecting you because you are not currently contributing to the household in a financial manner.

I am wondering if your wife understood her wedding vows: “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” To me, marriage is a partnership, which means we work together. Yes, we are “supposed” to provide for our family.

Most men take this seriously because the bible instructs us to, society reminds us daily, and our ego cannot take the blow when we do not. Try to be creative and seek guidance from individuals who have been in your situation and overcame it. Securing employment will probably help with the respect issue. Right or wrong, money does change people. However, I do not believe that money is the real issue in your marriage.

It appears that your wife has an anger problem. Name-calling and insults are not by-products of being unhappy. A lot of people are unhappy, but do not attack and belittle others. Your wife’s anger is probably rooted in fear.

When people are fearful, they either fight or flee.

Your wife was victimized by her previous husband and is probably concerned about being vulnerable again. However, fear does not justify inappropriate and aggressive behavior. Feeling angry is normal, insulting and belittling is not.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of people suffer from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The important thing to understand about PTSD is that it falls under the Anxiety Disorder category. Individuals who experience a great deal of anxiety are more likely to become aggressive if they do not have healthy coping skills or outlets. Stress can trigger aggressive tendencies or responses. I believe that African Americans have greater tolerance levels because we are taught to “suck it up or keep quite” about our anxiety and/or trauma. For example, “What happens in this house stays in this house.”

Your wife could definitely benefit from therapy so she can gain insight into her anger issues. Try to revisit the counseling option to see if she would have a change of heart. Unfortunately, she will probably not change the way she copes or expresses herself without some help. Unresolved trauma can and often resurfaces.

You can cope with your marital distress by seeking help for yourself. Because money is an issue, I recommend that you speak with a spiritual counselor at church. Also, you should remain respectful and try not to get caught up in your wife’s aggressiveness.

If you respond in an aggressive manner, she will feel justified in her action. Finally, strive to remain patient and respect your wife’s wishes about her privacy. She has to be able to trust you in order to respect you. I pray that your wife and you receive professional help.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

BMWK, What are some more ways to copy with a traumatized spouse?