This is kinda personal. I scarcely put my private marital issues out there. And this issue my wife and I are going through is on-going — meaning, I don’t know what the outcome is going to be. But grown men aren’t afraid to share their story mid-test…before it becomes a glorified testimony. It went down over the weekend like this.
I was coming out of the master bathroom. My wife was sitting innocently on the bed watching TV. It was a beautifully sunny Saturday afternoon around 2:00ish. She had her hair rolled up because she wanted to have dem’ fresh curls for church on Sunday (she sings on the praise and worship team). As I walked by, I thought to myself, ‘Wow! It’s 2:00 and she already has her hair rolled up and ready for bed. I wonder if she even considered whether I wanted to go anywhere with her today.’
After that, I kinda got in my feelings. I thought back over the 17 years we’ve been together…and this was not a new issue. In fairness, when we were just friends/co-workers, she was a home-body. And I was always hanging out somewhere. After we got engaged…the same. I’d drag her along with me and my friends. She reluctantly went. After we got married…the same. She preferred for us to stay home. I preferred for us to go out. That’s just who we are…individually.
We learned early-on that we had to come up with a compromise. So we agreed: 2 weekends of the month we’d stay home, and two weekends we’d go out.
Fast-forward 17 years. Our negotiated compromise is theoretically still intact. The frequency has changed. And we both reluctantly go along with what the other person wants to do. What I didn’t know then, but know now is…if the other person continues to reluctantly do things you really like to do, you eventually stop asking that person to do it. Because it gets depressing…feeling like you’re dragging an unwilling participant behind you saying, ‘Come on, let’s go have fun!’ Eventually, you either stop asking, do it by yourself, or not at all. And it’s not a far leap from there for both of you to feel like your mate is trying to change you to be like them.
But you can’t change people! Right?! I can’t change my wife, who is a home-body, into a person that loves hanging out…no more than she can change me to love being a home-body. This goes for your relationship too. You can’t make your mate love doing something you love doing…no matter how much you expose him/her to it. That’s what I use to think. ‘If she just experiences how much fun it is, she’ll get it…and come around’. Well…it never happened! And it never will. That’s because of a principle I learned about change vs. compromise.
Changing a person is when you change one’s values and beliefs. Compromise is when you change one’s behavior. Here’s how it works. I’ll use myself as an example.
I highly value hanging out with friends. I believe it’s a good/right/appropriate/acceptable thing for me to do. Therefore, I include it in my plans. And my behavior follows suit. The same can be said about my wife’s values and belief regarding staying home. However, there is nothing she can ever do to change my values to make me believe that ‘staying home’ is better than ‘hanging out with friends’…not even an abundance of sex. This is just who I am. (Actually, I’d prefer to go out with friends and top the night off when we get home…IJS).
However, I can compromise and stay home with my wife (i.e., change my behavior) because she values it as good/right/appropriate/acceptable for her, but still maintain my values and beliefs that hanging out with friends is good/right/appropriate/acceptable for me. This understanding gives me the freedom to acknowledge and yield to her preferences without losing my own identity.
If you feel like you are unwillingly losing yourself to the preferences or desires of your mate, man or woman…take back your identity by prioritizing your own values and beliefs. Start pursuing what you believe is important — the things you value as good/right/appropriate/acceptable. Refuse to solely be bound by the preferences and desires of your mate. It’s suffocating you and slowly killing your identity.
Yes…be willing to compromise and do what your make deems good/right/appropriate/acceptable. But also dedicate time, effort, and money to pursue the things you deem good/right/appropriate/acceptable. Include those interests in your planning. And from now on, let your behavior follow suit. So if this means some of your mate’s preferences and desires get put on the back-burner…so be it.
Regarding me and my wife, we had a conversation Sunday after church. I told her exactly what I’ve told you. I decided to respect who she is and to no longer want her to change. Even though nothing has physically changed in our marriage, this is a pretty significant shift because I’ve always envisioned our future as us living-life a certain kinda way, which was contingent upon her ‘getting it’ and taking on my values and beliefs about hanging out with friends.
Now I realize that was an unrealistic expectation. We celebrate our 17 year anniversary in 6 weeks. We’re committed to one another…and neither one of us is going anywhere. So I’m interested to see what year 17 and beyond looks like…because life will now take on a different kind of interaction that I didn’t anticipate when I jumped over the broom 17 years ago. #changeisreal
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