By: Da-Nay Macklin
We live in a world of way too may secrets. You know what I mean…learn the 3 secrets to blah blah blah, discover the 5 secrets to blah blah blah, perform these 3 secrets to blah blah blah. However, your partner keeping their infidelity a secret is no small matter. Surviving that kind of betrayal is a tall order requiring us to dig way down deep.
So, are there really “secrets” that can help an individual or couple survive infidelity? Just like life is not black and white neither is the answer. That said, the answer is yes and no. Truly, they are not secrets, but more like survival methods and deep soul searching techniques. Many people (men and women alike) survive infidelity and learn more about themselves than they ever wanted to know. And, in the process, discover their true elasticity. Lord knows, this sister did!
Having personally experienced this kind of betrayal (and it is awesome to be on the other side now), I have learned that it is one thing to forgive an isolated incident, and another to repeatedly forgive from your heart.
I’m referring to my concept of limitless forgiveness; this is the most potent commodity you can own in your infidelity experience. It takes an astronomical amount of soul searching to find the kind of forgiveness required to become a victor rather than a victim to infidelity. Yes, you can do it! There are a few truths that will help you to understand the “secrets” to forgiving infidelity.
Secret #1: Keeping It Real!
Here is where keeping it real goes right. First and foremost, you both have to be honest. Imagine that! The perpetrator MUST speak honestly and be allowed to speak honestly about what they feel led them to cheat.
Please understand this does not excuse the act. However, it does allow their feelings to be expressed. They will then need to honestly and openly share their guilt and feelings about what they did to you and to the relationship.
I know this may be a stretch, but try to be mindful they are hurting too (if they are indeed remorseful). Yes, you are the injured party and that is a fact. At the same time, they have done internal damage to themselves PLUS external damage to the relationship. Chances are they are feeling very guilty now and they have to heal too.
Secret #2: Limitless Forgiveness
Another secret of forgiveness is that you must be completely honest with yourself and your significant other. Optimistically, at this point, you have done some self-reflection and can openly admit and own your imperfections. Hopefully you are able to see that…yes, your partner was weak and was unfaithful. But they will need your forgiveness every day when you are ready and able to give it.
Secret #3: Recovery Time
I’m often asked the question of “how long will it take to get over this?” Let me brace you, as most individuals do not like my answer. I do not wish to lie to you or lead you on. As I’m sure you have had enough of that! One of the biggest secrets to the success of forgiving infidelity is time.
You’ve heard the old adage that time heals all wounds, right? Well, that’s not necessarily true, but time does help. Time stands still for no man or woman or broken heart for that matter. But, if you will use time, honesty, and love as the major tools in your arsenal of weapons, you will not just go through it but rather grow through and beyond the infidelity.
Giving unconditional love and limitless forgiveness is hard, but it is possible especially in the cases where the relational foundation was pretty solid prior to this turmoil. What is given from one another in a beautiful exchange of love and support will be whole heartedly received and the new foundational floor and home of the marriage becomes solid, solid as a rock (in my Ashford and Simpson voice)!!!
BMWK, how possible is it to survive infidelity?
Coach Da-Nay Macklin BS, CCLC, author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage. She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity recovery and prevention, certified life coach, empowerment speaker, business coach and entrepreneur mentor. She is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of Da-Nay International LLC, located in Charlotte, North Carolina. To learn more about Coach Da-Nay Macklin visit her website at www.DanayMacklin.com.
Great Article Da-Nay. A lot of people needed to hear this. Thanks for sharing your story to help others. We want to read more from you on BMWK.
Thank you! Glad you feel this way, and same here. My pleasure! I would like that and hope BMWK makes that happen. Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing your insight! I am not yet married but inching closer to it and I can appreciate your stance on forgiveness. As a woman that has had my fair share of very serious relationships, all in which I held another on the side, I not only had to receive forgiveness from others but most importantly forgive myself. Forgiving myself allowed me to move forward honestly and to receive the love I deserved. Now that I am in a relationship where the end goal is marriage, I’ve had to dig in areas of my life that I blocked decades ago and learn my triggers in order to avoid breaking another man down to the lowest denominator depreciating my worth.
My pleasure! Congratulations in advance as marriage is a beautiful and blessed union intended for a lifetime. Therefore, I’m glad to see you have done your pre-WORK because marriage is WORK but WELL WORTH it when the couple is truly committed to their commitment to one another. I commend you for all you have conquered and encourage your continued evolution. Know the best is yet to come! Thanks for making the time to share your experience with the world. Keep Conquering!
Great article! It’s been two years and it still feels like yesterday. I’ve adopted many techniques to deal with the turmoil infidelity has caused. Limitless forgiveness and recovery time are two that I need to keep at the forefront of my mind. I don’t want to be “okay” for anyone but myself and what I’ve realized is I DON’T have to be okay just to ease the pain/shame that my husband is going through. I want and need for healing time to take its natural course and to continue to forgive daily.
Great Article! My husband always says if he can’t be real and keep it real with me who else can he be real with. We have to get past the idea of being married and understand that marriage is work. I like to hold grudges but I know that if I’m going to be the best wife and mother I am called to be I can’t hold grudges.
Da-Nay, I read your article twice! I crumpled over at the forgiveness secret because it is a hard and large pill to digest. Forgiveness is not my strong point. Yes, it is easy to wring the bad out the person who cheated on you and then tell them, “I need time heal,” BUT that limitless forgiveness piece, well — crickets, crickets and one more cricket just hopped out and then I crumpled over! It challenges me. It keeps my partner human. So, thank you!
Lastly, what strikes me most in all three of your Secrets is that your recommendations allows the person who has been cheated on an antidote to retain their personal power while moving cohesively through the hurt with the partner that has wronged them. This makes resolution almost bankable. Much appreciation!