Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I’ve been reading a couple of your articles on Facebook. I believe that you have a very unique gift from God. The information that I receive from your articles moves me to want to take action and acquire the change within myself. I never really reached out to anyone mainly because I was scared to do so. However, I have been married to my husband for 8 years now. Within those eight years we’ve been separated 3 times. The first time was due to my husband cheating with several other women.
How Can I Trust Again After Infidelity? I don’t feel like I can truly trust him again because a lot of things that he does reminds me of back when he was cheating.
Sincerely,
Rosa
Dear Rosa,
Thanks for the compliment and I am glad that you decided to take action. I believe that it is important for individuals to understand what trust is and is not. Trust is about having confidence in a person and feeling good about being able to rely on another individual. Losing trust is similar to a man or woman losing his or her virginity – he or she can never get it back. An individual may become a born again virgin, but he or she cannot claim to be pure or free from immorality, especially from a sexual perspective. Unfortunately, once trust is broken in a relationship, the purity of the relationship is damaged forever. However this does not mean that the relationship will be damaged forever. Let me explain.
Just like a born again virgin, any individual can be renewed and experience feelings of purity if he or she comply with and live by certain rules. You cannot undo or forget the adulteration or contamination that occurred, but you can prevent further infractions. You can learn to trust your husband again if you comply with the following three trust restoring strategies.
Trust Restoring Strategy #1 – Realize that restoring Trust takes Time and Work. God created the earth in seven days. I mention this because it is important to remember that good things some take time. Restoring trust in your husband and marriage is a good thing and will take some time. It is normal to want and desire purity in marriage, but it is abnormal to expect for things to be good without being patient and working. The quality of your marriage will be determined by the quality of work that is put into it. Monitor your expectations and pay attention to unrealistic expectations. If you expect that your husband will cheat again, you will look for signs that may or may not be present. Make a commitment not to search. It is impossible to forget memories, but it is quite possible to start all over again. Try renewing your vows and turn to God. Allow Him to go to work in your life and marriage. Restoring trust in your husband will require forgiveness and a spiritual rebirth for both you and him. Like a born again virgin, you cannot regain what you lost, but you can clear up your future. A renewed mind and sense of self, will equip you to better deal with feelings of mistrust toward your husband.
Trust Restoring Strategy #2 – Express Your Emotions and do not allow them To Build. If your husband’s current behavior triggers emotions that you felt during his cheating phase, let him know without attacking and being negative. If you allow your emotions to build without expressing them, they will intensify. Suppressed emotions are not good because they eat at your soul. If your husband cares about how you feel and is serious about making your marriage work and last, he will work to change behavior that triggers negative emotions in you and the marriage.
Trust Restoring Strategy #3 – Be solution focused. Be careful not to persecute your husband. Spend time trying to figure out how to move forward. Discuss solutions or strategies that will prevent the adulterous behavior from occurring again. Being solution focused can help restore trust if both parties are willing to do what is necessary to create harmony. Keep communication lines open and take inventory of what is really important to you personally. Believe in yourself and your marriage. If you and your husband cannot come up with workable, reasonable and effective solutions, make an appointment with a professional counselor.
Restoring trust is not a simple decision, but it is process that takes time. View and experience the process with a positive mind. Restoring trust is a very delicate process that requires forgiveness and sound thinking. You can choose to either live in and be victimized by the past or look forward to and celebrate the future. Give it your best, let God and get help.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Erika says
Thank you for this. I needed to read this to help me understand why my husband is saying what he’s saying.
Shevonne says
This ia an excellent article. What do you do when your husband is too proud to get help or make any changes? He says wants the relationship to be repaired, but he doesn’t put in any work to repair it.
Jill L. says
“Be careful not to persecute your husband. Spend time trying to figure out how to move forward.” HUH? I find this an unbelievable article that puts the weight on the injured spouse (the wife) and doesn’t address the responsibility of the adulterous partner (the husband) to rebuild trust. The article should deal with how to know if you can trust the person again – what are the signs? what are the benchmarks in knowing the person is now sincere? Please address these real-world concerns in a future article.
Colleen says
i agree. the rest of the article was good though, from a man’s point of view, that is.
Anonymous says
I so agree with this. This article suggests that the “cheatee” should do all the work.
Renee says
Interesting article, but what was missing was the recognition that the cheating person has to WANT to restore trust in the other partner. If he/she takes the viewpoint of “Yeah, I cheated, let’s just move on” and tries to steamroll the other partner’s insecurity and doubt, the relationship will not survive. The article focused on the reactions and behavior of the non-offending partner, when it should have also included guidance for how the (hopefully former) cheater can rebuild the damaged relationship as well.
Anonymous says
So is there an article out there somewhere that does address this?
Anonymous says
I am a man and agree with many of the concerns raised in some of the comments. I think the key is whether the injured spouse will allow the offending spouse to restore trust. That is what I believe the key message was in the article. Clearly the offending spouse has the responsibility to show that they have changed by God’s grace. However, this will never be effective as long as the injured spouse will not turn to a relationship with God and truly forgive.
Brandi says
Unfortunately,I share Rosa’s trust issues. My initial reaction to the article was much like the comments above (in regards to the responsibilities of the offending spouse). Rosa’s question was about how could SHE learn to trust…which is why I believe the article reads the way it does. In the end, no one can MAKE you trust them. He could behave perfectly, but until she decides to allow herself to take ANY steps towards opening her heart again, it will never happen. Now, with that being said, he definitely should take a huge role in helping her trust by reassuring her of his dedication to her and their marriage not only with his words but actions. He needs to acknowledge and accept how his past and current actions have brought his marriage to its current residence. I don’t know if he’s aware that his current actions are triggers for her, but hopefully she’s voicing this and he’s listening. PLEASE,if anyone has follow-up info and another article that does address “How can let my spouse now I’m dedicated after several acts of infidelity?”…I’m sure both Rosa and I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanx
Brandi says
Read article, “Can a Marriage be Healed After Infidelity?” for advice on what BOTH spouse can do to save a marriage that has experienced infidelity.
kathleen says
ooookay so I’ve been dating this guy for over four months now. BEFORE I START MY STORY. im not looking for advice. just advicing you.
so I honestly love being with him. he makes me feel hot and special and wanted and honestly his smile lights up my life. my heart still skips a beat whenever I see him. I still get butterflies when he touches me.
I love him. and he loves me.
recently he’s been starting to be distant. and it’s fine; I let him have his space. until last month he started talking about wanting to break up.
I was very upset. I called my friends and I was crying and all that jazz.
I went to visit one of my friends, who happens to live near the guy. on my way to her house, I ran into my boyfriend. we sat down and talked for a while. he doesn’t know what he wants. I cried. he said that he wants a break because he feels so much pressure to be good at a relationship. he also wonders if sometimes that he might also be happier single. but then he says hes with me and he laughs and he’s happy and he doesn’t know.
so towards the end of the conversation I suggested that if a relationship is like a house, and a lightbulb burns out, we don’t burn the house down. we fix the light bulb.
(prior to this conversation he only saw 2 options- ending it or staying together) he chose ending it, i talked to my friend about it and he gave me a contact email for me to ask for help and i did, in contacted the love doctor and he told me what to do and when i did it, he prayed for me and my biyfriend came back begging me that he was with another woman who did a spell on him that made him leave me annd i should take him back. i had to choice, i had to take him. all thanks to The love doctor who helped me. his email is [email protected] if you have any problem in your marriage or relationship please do well to contact him he is the best.
Suuperwife says
How to restore trust in a marriage after infidelity …. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
GODSPEACH says
My response is: serial cheaters who do not get help for their insecurities are bound to cheat again. They have family of origin issues, and they need counseling by someone who understands how to help them stop using sex to get an ego boost (feel loved).
Noone is enough except God when we have been wounded. They think warming enough beds will cure their emptiness and insecurity. They thought marriage would cure them. Give a hungry person a rock, and they are still hungry and frustrated!
Counseling teaches the Serial Cheater to deal with their issues, so they can be committed to their marriage.
They must rebuild trust by going to counseling with the Hurt Spouse, too. Not expecting to sweep their cheating under the rug, understand what they have done to their partner, stay away from exAffair Partners at all costs, pratice boundaries around the opposite sex, be where they say they are, stop ALL lying, and commit to being very patient with their partner whom THEIR SELFISH ACTS DEVASTATED.
Until they are consistently doing THESE THINGS, don’t believe a thing THEY SAY!! Talk is cheap and so are THEY.
It will take at least 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelities; the work must be done or the marriage is toast. Another thing, get into therapy for your own healing if you are the Hurt Partner. Being Cheated on rips your old wounds open, too. You will need help on this journey before you can save a marriage. Put on your oxygen mask, It’s going to be a long, bumpy ride…Jesus will be there and find some safe mature people to sypport you both.
Blessings from someone in the Storm
Divine DivaLiya says
Someone in the storm, you are dead on! I, too, am in the storm & it has been/IS still hard on some things, but slowly & surely we WILL make it past this & through this! Blessings to you & others who are hurt/hurting from betrayal!
~DivaLiya