Wow! So you’ve just found out that your spouse or significant other has been unfaithful! Heart breaking, right? I’m sure you have a million scenarios and questions running through that head of yours.
Did someone say questions? Questions like…
- Now what?
- What do you do?
- What will people think?
- What will my family say?
- How will my kids react?
- Should I get a divorce?
- How do you go on without allowing infidelity to destroy you as a person and as a couple?
Now let me ask you a question. Do you want to know the “secret” to getting beyond this? Are you ready? Now this is huge! Well… it’s simple – and the answer is…one day at a time!
Related: For inspiration and encouragement, check out these 34 daily marriage quotes
However, the first 30 days prove to be quite difficult because you have to go through many transitions during this time. In those thirty days, expect to experience the following phases:
Phase 1 = Shock
Have you ever seen shock on the face of someone in a horror movie? Well magnify that expression times twenty for me! Yes, that was my face and it is the face of many women and men when they learn that their significant other has been unfaithful.
This phase is accompanied by enormous amounts of anger, tears, and a roller coaster of emotions. The emotional roller coaster is very real…trust me I know! I want you to know and trust that these emotions are normal and totally okay.
This is an emotional topic.
You will both have plenty to say so be mindful that while some things need to be said, others might not be advantageous to one another or the relationship during this time. Now I’m not saying lie, as I believe in honesty. Just be sure to evaluate carefully first.
However, know this is all part of the healing. Just remember that if you really loved each other, now is the time to grab hold of that love! I know it is not logical. Trust me. I get it. But heck, is love logical? I think not!
Phase 2 = Aftershock
So, after shock, comes aftershock. As the recipient of the infidelity, you will likely go numb. You will cry some more, and more, and plenty more. Again, I remind you, this is normal and a good cleansing process so do not fear your emotions.
Allow yourself to feel or you will drive yourself crazy!
You will want to point fingers and blame, but that’s where I caution you to be careful. When a relationship suffers through an affair, it’s usually because there are underlying problems that need to be dealt with. Take time to talk through the areas of concern and try to find healthy ways to address them, with help, as needed.
Phase 3 = Initial Healing
Healing is likely be the third phase. Regardless of what you hear, there is no “right” amount of time to pass through each phase, this one included. Healing will occur fastest with lots of honesty, talking, forgiveness, displayed commitment (because talk is cheap if it is not backed up with supporting actions), hugs, and kisses.
If you want to survive and truly thrive through the first 30 days and beyond, you MUST forgive.
Bitterness will only harbor resentment which prevents you from moving the relationship forward.
Phase 4 = Growth
Growth is the final phase of recovery. And this may last a lifetime. This is where you take what you’ve learned through shock, aftershock, rebuilding trust, forgiveness, healing, and growth and continue to put it all together to get better, bigger, and stronger.
Remember, every day is an opportunity to move your marriage or relationship forward! The best part is that you get the choice whether to turn it into a burden or a blessing. Choose wisely!
BMWK, How do you choose to deal with infidelity?
We’ve been living day to day and it was only a matter of time before one of us would admit that we’re unhappy. That night happened to be Oct 6, 1014. It was past midnight, he couldn’t sleep and he said he wasn’t happy and he’d been seeking emotional comfort in other women. I was shocked, hurt and took the blame. I could have been a better wife, lover and friend. I could have been more supportive, finished my degree, etc… That night I decided I was going to fight for our marriage, kids, home. The next day, I did some digging and found out it was one particular woman-a colleague. They work for the same school district, just not the same school. They and a few others have to communicate as they hold the same position. Since October I’ve done a 180. Cooking more often, nurturing him, enrolled in college–everything he has asked for I complied; because I love my husband, I love our family and because at the end of the day its what I wanted, just never had the courage to do.
Fast fwd to Friday July 31st-the day of our good friend’s funeral. He went to work that morning and called me when he was on his way back home to pick me up. He didn’t hang up his cell phone and he called the woman-his colleague- on his work phone. Through the conversation I found out they had met for coffee the day before and were planning on meeting for coffee that Saturday. I was crushed, angry and broken all over again. I confronted him and he was shaking and asked if I was going to ask for a divorce or separation. I immediately yelled “NO!” and told him I was going to fight like hell for us. I made him call the woman and I told her that whatever friendship they had that evolved into this emotional thing stops NOW. She kept saying that she didn’t know what I was talking about and ended with telling my husband to delete all her contact information and hung up. Im crushed–all this time I was slowly trusting him, believing in him, loving him and making love to him just to have the rug pulled from under me a SECOND time! He’s apologizing, reassuring me, but he did this before… Im praying hard, everyday really heard asking God lift this burden. He seems sincere, he wants to work things out and we’ve even sought out marriage counseling. Asking for prayers!
I am praying for you too. Counseling, ministries,and other couples to keep you accountable is what is needed. Your husband needs to put in the work…just like you are putting in the work. Saying I am sorry is not enough.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency as through our trials come our triumphs! Remember it takes THREE for a marriage to work…let me clarify three as in God, your husband, and you. I ask that your hear my heart in the following. How are you BOTH incorporating spirituality in your marriage consistently? You do not have to answer here but please answer for yourself. I have been where you are and wish to encourage you that with God all things are possible. At the same time, you BOTH must WORK consistently to make this work. In order for it to work the affair must end. There is a process to this and I would recommend (not required) reading my book Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey to the Brokenhearted for you and him. This will not be resolved in a day, week, or the months to come but I can assure you that when BOTH parties put forth the consistent effort you can and will establish true Love After Adultery and BEST of all a NEW renewed marriage better than ever before!
In addition to the below I’m praying for you and wish to share a prayer found in my book as I hope this helps..
“Lord, I pray that You would strengthen my husband to resist any temptation that comes his way. Stamp it out of his mind before it ever reaches his heart or personal experience. Lead him not into temptation, but deliver him from evils such as adultery, pornography, drugs, alcohol, food addiction, gambling and perversion. Remove temptation especially in the area of (name specific temptation). Make him strong where he is weak. Help him to rise above anything that erects itself as a stronghold in his life.”
“I pray that (husband’s name) will not be broken down by the power of evil, but raised up by the power of God. Establish a wall of protection around him. Fill him with Your spirit and flush out all that is not of You. Help him to take charge over his own spirit and have self-control to resist anything and anyone who becomes a lure. I pray that he will be repulsed by tempting situations. Give him courage to reject them. Teach him to walk in the Spirit so he will not fulfill the lust of the flesh,”
Continue to put ALL of your trust in the Lord! I am praying for you.
I would like to share my story. When my now ex husband were married 12 yrs ago, I was a happy woman. But something drastic happened after our son was born. When I had my after-birth follow up appointment, I tested positive for a STD! I was devastated but never, not even to this day, confronted him about. We divorced in August 2005 and now we remain as friends.Yet, I had sex with one of our coworkers while pending the divorce process. Believe me, I endured even more pain by making such poor choices because I felt worthless and unloved by my then husband.I must admit that I desire to marry again but I don’t trust men and Im so guarded when it comes to my heart. So, I can attest to your pain. As to this day, Im allowing God to work on me by allowing me to continue living as a celibate woman in Christ!!!
In addition to Da-Nay, Im praying for you, too. My God continue to give you the strength you need during this storm. The enemy is fighting so hard to break up marriages, families, churches and anything else that God created.