Dear Dr. Buckingham
I have been married 14 years. My husband recently cheated. We have been trying to work things out but I’m angry. He tried to find fault in me, to justify his affair. He admitted that, only after I beat myself up over and over trying to find out what I did to cause it. A part of me wants to just divorce him! What should I do?
Help me heal! Please!…Toya
Dear Toya,
It is understandable that you are angry and anyone in your shoes would feel the same. However, anger can and will debilitate emotionally, physically and spiritually if not dealt with effectively. In order to find peace and heal properly please consider the following recommendations.
First, I recommend that you find healthy mechanisms to cope with your anger so that you can process clearly. Do whatever works for you, but consider the following: pray for peace, speak with family members or friends who are willing and capable of providing words of encouragement or seek counseling.
Secondly, I recommend that you keep your head up and do not allow your husband to pass fault. I say this to remind you that cause and effect is not the same as influence and contribution. Every human-being including your husband has Free-will and are capable of making decisions free of others. Sometimes we do things that influence others’ behavior, but we cannot control individuals; therefore cause and effect does not apply to human behavior.
For example, some individuals claim that they cheat because they were denied sex or because they were not happy. While these factors might influence behavior, they do not cause individuals to cheat. This excuse or thinking is inaccurate because lack of sex or unhappiness does not cause cheating. Cheating occurs because individuals choose to cheat. The bottom line: your husband cheated because he wanted to. Think about what you can do different to improve your marriage, but do not take on what you are not responsible for.
Third, I recommend that you develop a list of pros and cons for sustaining your marriage. I encourage this because we have a tendency to focus on the negative aspects of our relationship when we are hurting. Divorce might feel like the best option now, but by allowing yourself time to process the pros and cons of your marriage you might find that it is worth saving.
Finally, I recommend that you do some research and invest in resources that can help you understand and gain insight into how to move forward. For example, if you have not already done so, I suggest that you secure a copy of Still Standing (DVD) by Lamar and Ronnie Tyler. The video is very encouraging and provides insight into how a diverse group of couples are STILL STANDING despite infidelity, chronic illness, financial crisis, blended families and more. I also suggest that you visit my website and secure a copy of my book Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship. From reading my book you will gain insight into what it means to receive and give unconditional love.
Some people argue that knowledge is power. I argue that the application of knowledge is power. Please equip yourself with power knowledge and apply what you learn. If you do these two things, I guarantee you that you will feel empowered. If none of the recommendations listed above help you heal, please do not hesitate to contact me for coaching.
Best Regards, Dr. Buckingham
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Leave. He chose to look outwards for satisfaction and then blame you. He has no regards for you. People don’t have reasons, they have excuses, and he did it because he wanted to and because he doesn’t care. It makes no sense to have sex outside of the marriage when things are not going right in the marriage, like cheating is a solution? A$$ backwards logic. Leave. We all have the capacity to make decisions and weight consequences, and he decided to risk his marriage for a side piece of A$$. That’s all it was worth to him. You can find someone who will be good to you. If he can throw away your 14 year marriage for that, you can for a piece of mind. If you take him back, he will have his cake and eat it with your forgiveness.
Well said. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to stay anyway
Regardless if you stay or if you go, please get tested for HIV and other STDs. If you have to protect your body as well as your heart.
I will never tell someone to leave their marraige…this has to be confirmed from God. Now is the time to pray for guidance..direction…and confirmation. If needed…seek counseling from a spiritually minded neutral party. Remember that what Satan makes for bad…God makes it good! He can resurrect any relationship and has the last say so! So lean on him!
I agree
Sooooo…. Satan made this guy turn his back on his vow to God by sleeping with another woman. Right. Satan made him do it. It’s called responsibility and accountability. If he loved his wife like Jesus loved the church, then he wouldn’t have done it. She should leave. He didn’t just cheat on her, he cheated on God. The devil presented himself as a portal between some woman’s legd and convinced him that he should disregard God and come inside. This strong satanic force made him pull his pants down, have sex and enjoy it with another woman. No wait, maybe Satan was a snake, but the kind in a man’s pants. He told the man to not bite, but dip into the forbidden fruit of another woman.
Right. People cheat because they want to, and are willing to gamble their lives, kids, marriage, and children’s foundations for a$$. They are not worthy of the powerful institution of marriage ordained by God. What a slap in His face.
You speak against god will
Anonymous @9:04p.m. is not speaking against God’s will. Their just giving you the cold hard facts that many women don’t want to face, but instead blame the woman he was cheating with, instead of holding the man accountable for his sick demonic behavior . God gives you free will to choose in a marriage whether to walk in line with his word or choose infidelity , this woman husband chose to walk with God’s enemy, point blank.
sound personal
So it is God’s will that you go against His word, vows you made to Him?
Silly wabbit
Dr. Buckingham would you still advise a person to work on their marriage if a child was created in the mist of the cheating?
I would
I agree with Anonymous @ 8:13p
The sad part about this so many woman are having this issue with marriage these days. These men are being raised with no morals and absolutely no values. Therefore the “streets” dictate their behavior and they have no common sense in regards to the danger they’re putting their wives in with the extent of contracting HIV, and other diseases. Stay strong in the Lord and cast your cares on him.
The devil has gone wild in them, the practice of pray has been put on the back burner. They have lost the value if self. If you don’t have good self control and morals the devil come with all of this fake attractions and these men a swept away because of the lust of their flesh.
There it is! You explained it to a T!!
Its not Satan its the choice of man. They know their wives will stay so why not have your cake and eat it too. Women always say they are staying to honor their vows to God but do they know if God ordained their marriage in the first place or was it their own free will.
This is what I’m dealing with. Was our marriage ordained by God? If it was, how could this have happened?
i love this, where do women learn to be wives? maybe it’s the quality of today’s women that has men looking elswhere and not just the fact that they are dogs? seems to me that wives are never wrong. not bashing, just talking…maybe you weren’t as good a wife as you think you were…believed your self delusion on what a prize you were and got shocked when your bubble popped cause no one acknowledges what a catch you are besides yourself and other women….no woman ever thinks any wouldnt be lucky to have her when quite frankly ALL women aren’t treasures as the media and pop culture would have you believe
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Stay in prayer my sister, make peace with this situation and ask God to help you forgive your husband, not for him, but for yourself. Also, on a personal note, don’t try to repay your husband with the evil that he did while committing adultery towards you and God, lay your head down at night and tell God to take care of this situation. Trust me, God’s justice is swift, I’ve seen it with my own spouse, our teenage kids don’t even speak to him anymore nor do they respect him, his health spiraled severely, financial problems (garnishments, bad credit), constant job problems, and his overall mental state is in disarray. He comes home from work now and sleeps in a separate bed room away from mine, and because no one speaks to him in our home, all he does is stare at the wall in his room all day until bed time. So I had no need to get revenge, because God moved in and knocked him off his feet. Now he’s begging me to work things out, but I will not allow my spouse to disrespect me, our wedding vows, our family unit, or wipe his feet on me by sleeping with a stripper and having an affair with two other women. I’m moving on to bigger and better things while mapping out me and my children’s exit plan, I’m also completing my Ph.D. to put me in a better position to increase my household income which will make up for his income when I leave. I wish you the best during this season in your life.
Good for you. God bless you and keep you.
It is very hard to forgive but it there gas been love in your marriage before and you give it to God it will wor. It’s hard work but it takes both people and a lot of JESUS. I too am fighting infidelity in my marriage so I feel you pain. I am struggling to shield the kids as we speak but I have given it to GOD and allowing him to do the rest. Healing starts with forgiveness. We have to recognise the plan of satan is to wreck GOD’S plan for marriages so you have to pray. Talk to your heavenly father he will work it out. I lost my job behind his infidelity. Still yet I know God’s in control. God will expose your wrong to draw you closer to him, so I believe God has a greater plan for us and it will come through.
Not every marriage is ordained by God. Its your choice and if you decide to stay you are honoring you. Not God if he didn’t ordain it initially
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